Eleventh hour doubts

[stefspets]

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I am not the most frequent poster here but I hope you will indulge me for a minute while I get out some of my thoughts as I approach matriculation August 1st.

I am so grateful and thankful that I have been accepted this cycle, to my state school, where I felt completely at home. I do not take it for granted for one second, with this process being what it is, at times completely unpredictable. I knew there was not a guarantee even if I did everything perfectly that I would make it in. I was genuinely happy and excited that I was going to fulfill my dream to become a doctor.

As I get closer to starting, my excitement has turned to fear and doubt. I will be moving away while my husband stays in our current city (only 2 hours by car, but still). Am I being selfish to do this? Is the sacrifice going to be worth it? I am about to devote my life to this marathon, and my husband is totally behind me. What if I don't give enough to him and I lose him? Would it all be worth it then?

He's been through it, he knows what I am getting myself into. And he will join me in a year. Maybe I am just melodramatic. But no one can tell me with certainty that everything will be ok.

I could cut and run now--stay at home, have kids, be "normal". I'd be bored but I'd avoid the risk. I'm not seriously contemplating doing that but the thought has crossed my mind.

I don't exactly have a question here besides am I the only one? Is there anything normal here?

I think it is more fear of the unknown and of the risk I am taking than doubt about my career path. But I am still afraid, not to mention guilty that I am making this choice at the expense of my husband. I could use a kind word, encouragement, advice, if anyone here can relate to my current frame of mind.

 

[phltz]

I am not the most frequent poster here but I hope you will indulge me for a minute while I get out some of my thoughts as I approach matriculation August 1st.

I am so grateful and thankful that I have been accepted this cycle, to my state school, where I felt completely at home. I do not take it for granted for one second, with this process being what it is, at times completely unpredictable. I knew there was not a guarantee even if I did everything perfectly that I would make it in. I was genuinely happy and excited that I was going to fulfill my dream to become a doctor.

As I get closer to starting, my excitement has turned to fear and doubt. I will be moving away while my husband stays in our current city (only 2 hours by car, but still). Am I being selfish to do this? Is the sacrifice going to be worth it? I am about to devote my life to this marathon, and my husband is totally behind me. What if I don't give enough to him and I lose him? Would it all be worth it then?

He's been through it, he knows what I am getting myself into. And he will join me in a year. Maybe I am just melodramatic. But no one can tell me with certainty that everything will be ok.

I could cut and run now--stay at home, have kids, be "normal". I'd be bored but I'd avoid the risk. I'm not seriously contemplating doing that but the thought has crossed my mind.

I don't exactly have a question here besides am I the only one? Is there anything normal here?

I think it is more fear of the unknown and of the risk I am taking than doubt about my career path. But I am still afraid, not to mention guilty that I am making this choice at the expense of my husband. I could use a kind word, encouragement, advice, if anyone here can relate to my current frame of mind.

It's not quite the same as your situation, of course, but for what it's worth, I'm wrapping up my first year of medical school now. My girlfriend has been doing research abroad this year. It's been tough for both of us being apart, and it's certainly no cake walk to get used to med school while also getting used to suddenly being in a long-distance relationship. But now we're almost through it, and we're still going strong. When we started this year, we weren't sure what would come next, but it turns out she was accepted to the same school I'm in, and will be starting in the fall. Having a clear light at the end of the tunnel has made a huge difference.

It's not going to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. That's why it's worth doing.

 

[operaman]

What you're feeling is very natural at this point in the game and I would wager that all of us felt something similar.

I often hear about how hard med school is on relationships, and as a married med student I can attest to this, but I always wonder this: would the relationships that don't survive training have been wonderful and satisfying had they avoided medicine altogether? I don't really have an answer to that, but it's something I've often wondered.

That said, just be prepared to make sacrifices for your relationship as you prepare to sacrifice for your training. Most schools have counseling services available for students and many will offer couples counseling to the students and their partners. This might be worth doing even if there aren't any major problems just to keep things on track. I know for my wife it was nice for her to hear from many others that the amount of time and effort I was putting into studying was completely normal and that I wasn't trying to avoid her. It's still hard at times, and we have to plan our time together more than before med school. I'm sure taking time for my marriage has cost me a points on exams, but that's my choice and I'm okay with that.

Every person and relationship is unique and you'll definitely be challenged to find a balance and give time where it's needed. I think the fact you're concerned bodes well for your success. Ask for help early and often and nip problems in the bud early and you'll do fine.

 

[ejw5075]

First of all, congrats on getting accepted ☺

Your apprehensions are completely understandable and I think there are a lot of us who can identify with your situation.

No one can really tell you if your sacrifices will be worth it in the end but the alternative is to never try and then you get to live with the “what if”. If your husband is truly supportive of your dreams and you are dedicated to your marriage, you will not lose anything. Marriages do not just get up and walk away because someone decided to go to medical school, people decide to end things when it gets a little tougher than they are comfortable with.

If you do not “give enough to him” and you lose him, that is you making a decision to lose him. You can choose otherwise ☺ One year is not the end of the world, I survived my first year of medical school without my husband and half without my daughter and am going back for another so it can’t be THAT bad.

All I can say is, do NOT feel guilty.

 

[Chilaquiles]

Natural to worry.

You will be okay.

🙂

 

[nastys]

....

 

[Ashley1989]

I admire you for pursuing your dreams and taking risks. I have no experience in this but I hope that someday when I am hopefully starting medical school I can show strength like you. I'm sure you've worked really hard and made tons of sacrifices to get where you have, and I don't know much at this point in my life but what I do know is that there are too few risk takers left in this world. you seem to be a very strong person and I wouldn't be surprised if your husband loves that about you (just a guess 😉 ) but seriously though, I don't think you're being selfish, and I think that what you're feeling is completely normal. You're about to embark on a huge adventure, and maybe you're realizing that this is the start of a whole new road and the sudden, undeniable, unshakable realization is frightening!

Just so you know cousin started medical school at forty years old and had to spend several years apart from his wife but you know what, they're happy as can be now with a little cottage on the coast and two kids that are exquisitely beautiful and very well rounded and happy. 🙂

Anyways, I realize I have never even corresponded with you and this was an incredibly sappy post. I'm sorry haha.

So.... Go get em tiger! 😉

 

[yossarian444]

During your M1 year, try to find other students who have live-in significant others who are not in med school. Try to get your husband to meet with these non-med SO's on occasion so that he has a social base at least somewhat established before making the 2 hour move. (Host a couples party or game night or something on post-exam days as an alternate activity for ppl like you to do instead of the obligiatory class field trip to the bar to binge drink the younger students go on)

During med school. you hear stories of spouse's sitting at home, miserable, bored off of their mind all alone in a new city while their SO changes before their eyes into a new person (probably a rare extreme). Ideally, your husband will find some friends with partners in med school and they can stay up late complaining about how much med school sucks while you're all studying for the 14th straight hour. I believe there are books and probably internet sites with the theme of "what to expect when your spouse starts med school." Perhaps he should read some of those so he is not shocked when you aren't able to talk on the phone very often or don't have time to listen to his day. Bottom line: You'll be fine, don't turn back, many have gone before you with the same situation and thrived.

 

[Nadia83]

I am having similar thoughts - not because of a partner, but because of
- Cost (not going to state school; though my family is privileged and I will have no or minimal debt, it's still a huge amount of money)
- Lifestyle (I've been working for many years and the thought of Year 3, of residency, of not being able to take vacation or family leave if I need to is overwhelming)
- Being far from family I care about

I work in public health, and ideally will want to do a mix of public health work / advocacy and seeing patients. I love the science of medicine and loved one-on-one work when I did it, but the idea of leaving public health is terrifying also. It's not a question of "do I want to be a doctor" (in the ideal world) - it's a question of "do I want it badly enough for the sacrifice of time, money, and quality of life to be worth it" if it's possible I'll be in a similar place in 25 years than if I got a PhD???? That is such a hard question. I find myself jealous of trads who have never seriously considered another path or aren't facing the life/kids/family thing quite as immediately.

I am panicking so much I'm considering deferring (which wouldn't solve it but...) so anyways, I feel you. I have no idea how to deal with it and I don't want to seem ungrateful for the opportunity. Just scared out of my wits 🙂

 

[startoverat40]

some opportunities come along in life only once, and the regret of not taking advantage of the chance might be as bad or worse than any guilt for going for it.

 

[Matt In The Hat]

Glad to hear that I'm not alone in these fears. But, I think startover makes a great point - compare the feeling you have now to the feeling that you would have on your 75th birthday if you don't make a run at med school. It takes a great amount of sacrifice from everyone, but you have to make up your mind that your family will survive this, and be better off for it.

 

[realmeaning]

What I hear you saying is that you really want to do the doctor thing, but are scared and want comfort. That's natural. That's why we're here. You can do it, and it IS worth it. Good luck!

 

[stefspets]

Thank you all. I appreciate your kind words.

I know that my choices as a med student are going to involve studying less to make more time for my husband. I truly don't want to neglect him. There will be lots of Skype in our future, even if we do visit every weekend, just to feel like we spent a little time together.

I feel a bit better, more positive. If I didn't go to med school I would seriously regret it. I can't see myself doing anything else.

 

[SeekerOfTheTree]

After anatomy most of the stuff you could do from home. Don't even need to watch lectures and you will be fine. You can do it. One guy at our school would come in only to take exams and would go back to home five hours away.

 

[alamo4]

Medicine IS very hard on relationships. If you want an example of physician lives, this is an excellent documentary:

http://video.pbs.org/video/1114402491/

They follow several doctors over the trajectories of their careers and family lives.

At the same time, half of people get divorced anyway. Not to be too pessimistic, but relationships are hard in general. Just work at it as much as you can, You don't want to be home with crying kids in four years resenting the hell out of you husband and having a bad relationship for that reason.

 

[alamo4]

During your M1 year, try to find other students who have live-in significant others who are not in med school. Try to get your husband to meet with these non-med SO's on occasion so that he has a social base at least somewhat established before making the 2 hour move. (Host a couples party or game night or something on post-exam days as an alternate activity for ppl like you to do instead of the obligiatory class field trip to the bar to binge drink the younger students go on)

This is great advice! Just prioritize your relationship, and find your peer support group for each of you.

 

[Lefty Doodle]

Hi,
Thanks for starting this discussion. I was feeling the same way a few weeks ago. Like, I have changed my mind about what to do (for major/careers) so many times, what makes me think I won't change my mind this time? But I thought about it and remembered my life before this, how everything I tried before was stuff I did because I couldn't "fail" at it and required little investment. And I've been working for a doctor this year and love it.

But for me it was important to, every step of the way, say "just because it took this this and this to get to this point doesn't mean this is a done deal." of course, after matriculation it will be, but I am confident that I am doing the right thing.

Life is so short and imperfect, you just gotta make your decisions and roll with them or else you wake up and realize you haven't done anything.

 

[QofQuimica]

The feelings you have are normal, and everyone has them. Some people are just more honest and open about how they feel than others. But anyone who tells you that they are not afraid sometimes about the process of becoming a doctor is a liar.

The fear doesn't get any less the farther down this road you travel, either. The responsibility and the expectations just keep on ramping up. I'm nervous about being a junior resident in just over one month. It's hard enough keeping up with my own work; now I'm going to be expected to supervise interns and take on even more of a role in teaching medical students, too. It doesn't help that everyone keeps saying that second year is so much tougher than first year, either.

The best advice I can give you as someone who is several years farther down the path is to take things one day at a time. The long-term results you get are based on the decisions you make on a daily basis. Decide to remind your family that you love them, even if you only have time to send a quick text message. Decide to put forth the effort to excel in school, even if you find that "excelling" means just passing. Decide to take care of yourself. Most of all, decide not to give up even when you feel like giving up. Four years of making these decisions will result in you being a physician and will also give your marriage the best possible chance of succeeding.

Best of luck, and prepare yourself for a wild ride. 🙂

 

[CopToEM]

To be honest, if you weren't scared/fearful of this entire process you would have to be at least slightly stupid. The fears you have are completely understandable and are valid. For example, it has been difficult for me to explain to people the gamut of emotions that you go through upon acceptance. For me, it was shock, disbelief, relief, stress, fear, and now I'm kind of in an 'impending doom' state.

Think of all the single mothers with children, the military wives/husbands who get accepted and can't bring their spouse, and many other situations that are common amongst medical school classes each year. You're not blazing a trail here but rather walking along one that has been blazed for you by many generations of successful, happy physicians. Are there stories of spouses splitting up? Absolutely. Just stay strong, stay true, stay focused, and come out on top!

Supporting you every step of the way! 👍

 

[Nadia83]

"To be honest, if you weren't scared/fearful of this entire process you would have to be at least slightly stupid.... For me, it was shock, disbelief, relief, stress, fear, and now I'm kind of in an 'impending doom' state."

THIS is exactly how I feel! I think part of my struggle as a non-trad is:

- I have lived life as an adult, and worked jobs that did not fully fulfill me, but that gave me an opportunity to HAVE a life. I know I can survive that, that it's what most people do...I know there is a whole world of possibility out there and I could potentially have a fulfilling, meaningful career without being a physician (and that if I have a family, how much I hate life in an office might matter less?). Given that, I'm afraid the sacrifices wont' be worth it. Everyone says, "Don't do it unless it is the only thing that will make you happy" but that's RIDICULOUS. No one can possibly try out all related careers and verify whether this is true or not. If you've been exposed in the world enough to realize this... it's a leap of faith no matter what.

- I don't think that most traditional students really understand it the same way - because they've had blinders on for the most part. So I am terrified, and I feel like it's RIGHT to be terrified - that given the realities of medicine today and the demands of training everyone should be terrified - but then I wonder whether or it means I shouldn't be doing this.

Eeks. I know I worked hard to get here and gave up a lot - to finish my pre-reqs, take the MCAT - applied - so many hours, so much grief! But I didn't want those barriers to be why I didn't go to medical school. Now that they feel so distant... it's hard to explain. I don't want to give up because I'm afraid, but I don't want to move forward just because I've done everything I needed to do!

 

[montessori2md]

I had doubts when I started 4 years ago, but I'm glad I stuck with it!

First of all, once you get over the initial shock, the pre-clinical years will not be as time-consuming as you think. My school was 2 hours from home, but I lived at home except during anatomy, and went to class 2-3 days/week most of the year. Lecture wasn't mandatory and it was recorded. During my hospital years we lived nearby (years 3 and 4).

I have the world's greatest husband, so this was not a problem for our marriage. He's very proud, and never complained about my hours, though he was sometimes surprised.

I think it's extremely important that non-trads in particular not put their lives on hold for medicine.
Assuming you are not trying to get perfect board scores to match into plastics, there is NO good reason to put off childbearing, personal time, etc, in medical school. It only gets harder as you go forward. If med school is "too hard" for you to live your life, you are never gonna live your life. Figure out how to balance school and home by the end of your first semester. You'll be glad you did.

 

[liquidmosaic]

Don't give up your dreams for anyone. The thought of somebody doing that breaks my heart. I'm not married, but 11 years ago I left my family (in Australia) and everything I knew to pursue a dream of being an artist in New York (I was 22). It was the best thing I could have ever done. My dreams have changed somewhat since then (I just sat my MCATs and am finishing up my premed postbac) but I am still living in NYC and I'm still close with my family (skype is great).

I think it speaks volumes that you are concerned with not giving enough to your husband. You must be a nurturing and loving person -- really important qualities for a doctor to have. But remember that relationships are about give and take. If you loose sight of your dreams, you are loosing sight of part of yourself, and that is very risky because it could ultimately hurt your relationship more than anything else.