Engagement ring as med student?

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AthleteDoc7

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Hey all. I'm a third year US MD student in a serious relationship for the last few years. Marriage talks between the lady and I have ramped up recently, and while I feel more than ready to make that commitment, I'm not financially ready to buy an expensive engagement ring simply because I can't afford it on my loan money. I can tell she wants something nice because she sees all her friends getting amazing rings and she's hinted, so I feel bad either continuing to make her wait until I can afford more or getting her something she won't truly love. I know people will say "if she loves you she'll take whatever you can get her, it's the thought", and while I wholeheartedly agree with that, I just feel badly doing that to her and I'm not sure how pumped she'd be about that really. Im also pretty financially responsible so it feels kind of wrong making an expensive purchase like this knowing I have no income right now and have a ton of debt lol

Anyone out there buy a ring or get engaged lately that would like to share how they went about it? Any good finance options or something? I have a couple thousand saved outside of loan money, but it just isn't enough. Any tips? Thanks y'all

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Are there any close friends or family members of hers that you can pull aside and see what they think your SO would like? As in, if you spoke to her mother, would her mother be able to point you down the right path of "she would love this, she'd be fine with this, she'd hate this, etc" and then go from there price wise.

I agree with the previous comments. Get something affordable now and then upgrade later. During that "waiting" period, you can always keep an eye out for any deals or discounts and get what she really wants for less.
 
Can you buy a more affordable ring now, and then wait and buy a more expensive one when you start earning a salary? That would make a lovely story.
Give her the best you can afford. When you’re a doctor, you can upgrade.


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I've definitely thought about this before. Its something i'm heavily considering right now, but I guess i'm just exploring if there's someway to get a decent diamond straight away. I suspect not, but just wanted to hear some opinions lol
 
Are there any close friends or family members of hers that you can pull aside and see what they think your SO would like? As in, if you spoke to her mother, would her mother be able to point you down the right path of "she would love this, she'd be fine with this, she'd hate this, etc" and then go from there price wise.

I agree with the previous comments. Get something affordable now and then upgrade later. During that "waiting" period, you can always keep an eye out for any deals or discounts and get what she really wants for less.

I've looked at rings with her once before. She loved one ring, I flipped it over and saw $10k and almost had a heart attack. I think her expectations might be heavily tainted because of her friends, and that worries me a bit. I don't want to disappoint her so I'm trying to navigate this because frankly she's not getting that from me, it isn't possible, not right now at least
 
I wouldn't worry too much about your debt, if you have what's average for a lot of students at graduation, what's $300,000 vs $310,000? And then the growth during residency... it's a drop in the enormous bucket of suck.

To some extent, you need to accept that between loans, house payment (I never have a car I don't own outright), kids, etc, you'll have a fair amount of debt for 70% of your adult life or more. Don't let it ruin how you live for today. (Not saying go nuts with hookers & blow either).

But, I agree with everyone here, have a starter ring then an upgrade. You could get creative with the starter ring, (colored stones?) so it could even end up something she still wears on the other hand or finger without looking out of place. It doesn't have to just go into a jewelry box. Again, makes a good story.
 
Hey all. I'm a third year US MD student in a serious relationship for the last few years. Marriage talks between the lady and I have ramped up recently, and while I feel more than ready to make that commitment, I'm not financially ready to buy an expensive engagement ring simply because I can't afford it on my loan money. I can tell she wants something nice because she sees all her friends getting amazing rings and she's hinted, so I feel bad either continuing to make her wait until I can afford more or getting her something she won't truly love. I know people will say "if she loves you she'll take whatever you can get her, it's the thought", and while I wholeheartedly agree with that, I just feel badly doing that to her and I'm not sure how pumped she'd be about that really. Im also pretty financially responsible so it feels kind of wrong making an expensive purchase like this knowing I have no income right now and have a ton of debt lol

Anyone out there buy a ring or get engaged lately that would like to share how they went about it? Any good finance options or something? I have a couple thousand saved outside of loan money, but it just isn't enough. Any tips? Thanks y'all
Shop around in jewelry stores. And nearly all of them will have some sort of finance plan.

Also, if you want to save some time on marriage plans, just go to Las Vegas and have Elvis do the ceremony.
 
I've looked at rings with her once before. She loved one ring, I flipped it over and saw $10k and almost had a heart attack. I think her expectations might be heavily tainted because of her friends, and that worries me a bit. I don't want to disappoint her so I'm trying to navigate this because frankly she's not getting that from me, it isn't possible, not right now at least

Agreed, 10k is ridiculous. How much of that was because of the store name attached to it? Any chance you took a picture of it and compared that same ring (or stone at least) with other stores?
 
Agreed, 10k is ridiculous. How much of that was because of the store name attached to it? Any chance you took a picture of it and compared that same ring (or stone at least) with other stores?

None based on store, it wasn't one of the major retailers. it was just a big rock (i think 1.5 karat diamond with a very nice setting) and I certainly wasn't looking for anything near that size haha. I took pics and will try to shop around for something similar looking with smaller stones and see what they go for.

I guess debt is what it is considering I'll have a lot of it regardless, just feels irresponsible. I kind of like this upgrade later idea though now that many of you are mentioning it and I think it'll add to the charm of our never so easy relationship once we make it to the promised land
 
I wouldn't worry too much about your debt, if you have what's average for a lot of students at graduation, what's $300,000 vs $310,000? And then the growth during residency... it's a drop in the enormous bucket of suck.

To some extent, you need to accept that between loans, house payment (I never have a car I don't own outright), kids, etc, you'll have a fair amount of debt for 70% of your adult life or more. Don't let it ruin how you live for today. (Not saying go nuts with hookers & blow either).

But, I agree with everyone here, have a starter ring then an upgrade. You could get creative with the starter ring, (colored stones?) so it could even end up something she still wears on the other hand or finger without looking out of place. It doesn't have to just go into a jewelry box. Again, makes a good story.

You make a solid argument and point here. All things to take into consideration. Half the debt is already from hookers and blow though so I should start being careful I guess now that things are getting serious..... hahah thanks for the POV
 
I've looked at rings with her once before. She loved one ring, I flipped it over and saw $10k and almost had a heart attack. I think her expectations might be heavily tainted because of her friends, and that worries me a bit. I don't want to disappoint her so I'm trying to navigate this because frankly she's not getting that from me, it isn't possible, not right now at least

I don't think that's too much for an attending's wife, but otherwise? No, not unless you can scrounge up that much loan money, even then, bad idea. Your loans typically don't cover a whole number of 4th year expenses like Step 2 CS and a flight for it, interviews, and residency relocation.

Check out Blue Nile website for diamonds. Sometimes it's better to buy the diamond and then have it set.

Also, call me crazy, but she can pitch in to "upgrade" whatever you can afford. Doesn't sound romantic, but neither is this situation, or her wearing a ring she doesn't like. There's ways for you to pay her back later. Start a fancy shoe account when you're an attending? Something frivolous for your first anniversary as an attending, another piece of jewelry? I dunno.

Family offered to chip in on a ring when I was engaged in med school.

We almost got a sci-fi/fantasy themed ring from Etsy (won't say the show for anonymity) for $300 as our starter ring, because we didn't take a starter ring that seriously, and it made a good story. We went with something else for $100. Which was great when the whole engagement fell apart.

I too wanted a very expensive ring, so I feel where she's coming from, but I was willing to wait for us to afford it (and as I was going to be the breadwinner wasn't going to put it ALL on him in any case, especially with a ridic ring). I'm more worried here that this seems to have more to do with keeping up with the Jones' than a lot of other considerations that matter more.

In today's day and age, old fashioned notions and tradition about the ring is great, and men often want to have the final decision on picking it out and have it be a gift they pay for. Just saying though, it's fine for it to be a joint venture like anything else in a marriage.
 
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You're gonna have to get more specific on what "decent" means to you (and her).

It amazes me how in fine jewelry you can look at two seemingly identical pieces, but one costs $1k and the other $10k.

So what does decent mean?

That said, here's what I found close to your budget in a couple minutes of procrastination. You can shave a lot of coin off the price of a ring -- to a point. No chance you're getting anywhere near 1.5ct at a $2k budget. That said, you can spend wisely and get some nice bang for your buck. What I've selected here in a round cut diamond at 0.7ct that clocks in at pretty darn good on all fronts. It won't win a gemology contest, but she and her friends will all ooh and aah over it and be none the wiser. No sense paying thousands of extra for crap you can't see without a microscope, unless you have thousands extra to burn.

Now here is the kicker: You can use the setting to buy you a lot of mileage from a low cost stone. Here I've selected a halo-style setting, essentially using a lot of small cheaper diamond to surround your primary stone and give the overall impression of something much larger. By surrounding the main stone with smaller ones, it also makes any imperfections in the center stone less visible.

Total cost $2745 before taxes.
Build Your Own Ring - Review | Blue Nile

The only question is whether or not she would like the style, and for that you're on your own!
 
I spent around 3,000 in college on a nice .75 karat ring. She initially wanted a full karat because her sister and mom had that, but once we brought expectations back to a realistic level she was thrilled with the ring. Looking back, the whole ring thing is pretty hyped. Tell her what the budget is and give it a few weeks for her expectations to come back down to earth lol.
 
Cubic zirconia

Edit: Those after doing a little looking these aren't as cheap as I thought
Is this even considered diamond because I got some pretty nice results.
 
Highly recommend the online ones like Blue Nile, Ritani, or James Allen. I didn't end up going with them because my fiancee and I had a connection to a brick and mortar store but had I not had that I would've done it. You can get some pretty good prices comparatively. I personally went bigger just because I had saved up some money from living at home during a gap year but definitely would not have if I didn't have that cushion. Plus we'll make back the money eventually regardless
 
Highly recommend the online ones like Blue Nile, Ritani, or James Allen. I didn't end up going with them because my fiancee and I had a connection to a brick and mortar store but had I not had that I would've done it. You can get some pretty good prices comparatively. I personally went bigger just because I had saved up some money from living at home during a gap year but definitely would not have if I didn't have that cushion. Plus we'll make back the money eventually regardless
And if you don't mind me asking, how much did you ended up spending?
 
And if you don't mind me asking, how much did you ended up spending?
Honestly I spent more than I probably should have... haha but like I said I saved up a good amount before hand living at home for a couple years and I got a great deal. Plus it was her dream ring she picked out and I view it more as a long term investment
 
Honestly I spent more than I probably should have... haha but like I said I saved up a good amount before hand living at home for a couple years and I got a great deal. Plus it was her dream ring she picked out and I view it more as a long term investment
So like 20 k?
 
Maybe you have some relatives and she can wear a family ring until upgrade? Those rings always compete well in a "keeping up with the Kardashians" ring-off between girls, if only on sentimentality points, plus the vintage look.

Nothing says you're special like wearing gramama's ring.

I know a couple that are newly attendings, and she proudly wears his grandmother's ring, which is quite beautiful. Upgrading was on the table, but she loves the ring and being entrusted with it.
 
Keep in mind legally speaking, that in general gifts cannot be ungiven in the event of break up, but engagement rings are generally in a different category, "a gift in the consideration of marriage," so if the marriage doesn't happen she has to give it back. This usually happens anyway, or dude lets it go.

If you get married, she can keep it. Not sure this spplies to a family ring, however. I suspect you are able to get those back.

State laws do vary.
 
You're gonna have to get more specific on what "decent" means to you (and her).

It amazes me how in fine jewelry you can look at two seemingly identical pieces, but one costs $1k and the other $10k.

So what does decent mean?

That said, here's what I found close to your budget in a couple minutes of procrastination. You can shave a lot of coin off the price of a ring -- to a point. No chance you're getting anywhere near 1.5ct at a $2k budget. That said, you can spend wisely and get some nice bang for your buck. What I've selected here in a round cut diamond at 0.7ct that clocks in at pretty darn good on all fronts. It won't win a gemology contest, but she and her friends will all ooh and aah over it and be none the wiser. No sense paying thousands of extra for crap you can't see without a microscope, unless you have thousands extra to burn.

Now here is the kicker: You can use the setting to buy you a lot of mileage from a low cost stone. Here I've selected a halo-style setting, essentially using a lot of small cheaper diamond to surround your primary stone and give the overall impression of something much larger. By surrounding the main stone with smaller ones, it also makes any imperfections in the center stone less visible.

Total cost $2745 before taxes.
Build Your Own Ring - Review | Blue Nile

The only question is whether or not she would like the style, and for that you're on your own!

Not sure if she just likes what she likes or what, maybe learning more she can get away from spendy pre-done store rings. Building your own can save money but also get you something you like better.

4 C's of diamond appraisal:
Color
Clarity
Carat
Cut

It was Blue Nile, or the internet, that taught me the highest color and clarity that is practical, where beyond that, you can't tell the difference practically speaking.

The cut can make a difference on those points, as well as setting.

Put this by her, have her play on the sites. You can print something from Blue Nile that shows the approximate carot size for the various cuts.

Princess and round cut look "brightest" and have a rainbow effect. I think round cut is cheapest of the 2. They hide flaws in the diamond better, one reason you see them so much. The store can get a higher profit margin on these. You also "lose" less weight on the starting diamond cutting these.

Emerald cut, my fave, has a more vintage look, doesn't look as "bright", but it "draws the eye deeper into the diamond." It also "throws more dramatic flashes of light" off when moved about. It takes a larger starting size diamond to be cut compared to others, and to be clearer and whiter. However it still tends to be slightly cheaper than the other cuts because it's not as popular (more unique among friends!)

I can't remember the last most common cut.

It can really help price when you know just what you want for diamond and setting.

I'll let the sites help you compare settings.

If you go white gold it is cheaper than platinum, but will need to be refinished at some point (it's regular gold that's been plated with silver for color).

Every metal but titanium and platinum are mixed with some amount of nickel, and could be a problem with metal allergy, at any point in the future.
:prof:
 
Honestly, I purchased mine on black Friday a few years ago. It was extremely discounted (searched how much the type of ring normally costs) and they had a special payment plan with no interest for the first year. Just another option. I know that many of the jewelers had this type of thing going on at the time.
 
So are golden rings really out of style?
 
Ask her! Since she simply can't have her ultimate ring now, there are compromises that have to be made, and which would she prefer them to be? Tell her how much you can afford to spend now-ish and see what she has to say.
  • Colored gemstone - sapphire? emerald? tanzanite?
  • Man-made diamond (genuine carbon, but lab-created)
  • Synthetic diamond - some CZs are truly beautiful, and if well-set, will fool anyone
  • Smaller stone with plans to upgrade later
  • Buy from a private seller - Craigslist? Get the specs online, arrange to meet in person at the appraiser's
  • Skip the whole ring thing altogether and use the money more responsibly
  • Bundle the Ring, Wedding and Honeymoon and shrink one to grow the other(s)
  • Wait to get 'officially' engaged
  • Have her chip in (wouldn't bother me in the least)
If she can't handle a compromise, she's not the one. But if she's going to be your life partner, seek her input.

Good Luck!
 
I bought my wife's engagement ring last year when I was an MSI entirely with loan money, so its do-able. I obviously had to cut back on some other things to make it possible though. My advice is to shop around and do your homework. Don't go to the national chains! Find local jewelers with good reviews. Let them know your budget limitations and they can work with you. Also if you're willing to put in the work and research you can save lots and lots of money by buying the stone and setting separately. Everything all total I spent around $2500 on the finished ring, and it would have been in the ball park of around $4500-$5000 if I had bought a similar ring outright from a different store.
 
Man. Instead of putting money in a roth ira where the magic of compound interest works for you, the corporate overlords have your nuts in a grip, making you spend a ton of cash on something useless. After you buy that ring, see how much the dealer will pay for it to get it back. Chumps.
 
So are golden rings really out of style?
I want a gold band with a solitaire, so while it's not the most popular choice these days, it's definitely what I want. My best friend was married a year ago, and she too has a gold band with a solitaire. I think gold is just so incredibly timeless.
 
My girlfriend works and makes money. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna end up writing me a check to add to what I can afford. Many people would think this is horrible but that type of practicality is part of the reason I know she is the one. We discussed and she would rather do that than have an upgrade later down the road.
 
You're gonna have to get more specific on what "decent" means to you (and her).

It amazes me how in fine jewelry you can look at two seemingly identical pieces, but one costs $1k and the other $10k.

So what does decent mean?

That said, here's what I found close to your budget in a couple minutes of procrastination. You can shave a lot of coin off the price of a ring -- to a point. No chance you're getting anywhere near 1.5ct at a $2k budget. That said, you can spend wisely and get some nice bang for your buck. What I've selected here in a round cut diamond at 0.7ct that clocks in at pretty darn good on all fronts. It won't win a gemology contest, but she and her friends will all ooh and aah over it and be none the wiser. No sense paying thousands of extra for crap you can't see without a microscope, unless you have thousands extra to burn.

Now here is the kicker: You can use the setting to buy you a lot of mileage from a low cost stone. Here I've selected a halo-style setting, essentially using a lot of small cheaper diamond to surround your primary stone and give the overall impression of something much larger. By surrounding the main stone with smaller ones, it also makes any imperfections in the center stone less visible.

Total cost $2745 before taxes.
Build Your Own Ring - Review | Blue Nile

The only question is whether or not she would like the style, and for that you're on your own!

my goodness, you are a genius. that looks dangerously like the one she liked lol. i might owe you my life sir. will be looking into this MUCH more. thank you so much!
 
many, many amazingly helpful responses (including the diamond ring haters that i half way agree with lol). can't thank y'all enough for taking the time. feel free to keep chiming in. i'm digging the creativity
 
Have you looked into moissanite? It's a hard, colorless stone that should probably be considered a "diamond alternative" rather than a "fake," but she would have to be okay with the fact that it is decidedly not a diamond. Have heard people say they are even more brilliant than diamonds though, and you can get a larger stone for much less money than an equivalently sized diamond.
 
I knew that my wife would prefer an emerald over a diamond. I bought her a nice, simple 1-carat emerald ring from GemsNY. My advice would be to look around at some of the wholesalers and consider alternatives to diamonds. You should be able to find something nice that she'll like on your budget. And as others have suggested, you can always upgrade later when you're making more money.
 
My feelings about the diamond industry and $10k engagement rings aside, I strongly believe that if you are going to marry someone you should be able to have an open and honest conversation with them about finances, including the finances associated with an engagement ring/wedding. Talk to your SO about your financial situation and the fact that while you want to get her a ring she loves, you have some budget constraints that make certain sizes/settings not an option at the moment. Given this, would she rather wait (potentially quite a while) for you to be able to save up to buy her the exact ring she wants, go for a stone other than a diamond, or perhaps get a “starter” ring right now and upgrade for say a 5-year wedding anniversary?

I know that we are all conditioned by Hollywood to think that engagements and weddings are 100% romance and fancy trips and pretty rings, but in the real world most of us can’t have everything we want right when we want it and as such we have to have honest conversations with our SOs about the finances of these big events. You’ll both be much better off in the long run for it!

Also, as others have mentioned the prices of diamond rings often seem completely arbitrary the more you look at different jewlers, so definitely shop around to see what’s out there.
 
Just a heads up for anyone considering buying a diamond online:

If you do so then make sure it comes with a certificate and that the certificate matches the stone. Once you have it, a professional jeweler should be able to match the certificate number with the number engraved on the stone (every diamond sold with a certificate should have an inventory number laser-etched into it). Additionally, many jewelers will do a free appraisal at the same time and give you a ballpark value of how much they think it's worth. You can get some great deals online, just make sure there is a return policy and that you get it checked out with a reputable jeweler in-person before you finalize anything.
 
OP - Is your GF sentimental, wanting huge bling or pragmatic? Ask her, ask her family/friends if you're close to them. Then depending on your GF's desires you could do any of the following:

-Small ring now, trade up later. Use the original ring as a right-hand ring, save it to give to a daughter, cannibalize the stones for a necklace or earrings.
-Very nice ring now with moissanite or colored gemstone center with a promise to replace the center stone with a real diamond at your third or fifth anniversary. Jewelers could just pop out the center stone and add back a similarly sized real diamond. Some moissanite settings have diamonds around the edges of the ring and the settings are very nice and identical to those sold with real diamond centers. Many rings are sold in jewelers without the center stone allowing the buyer to add a center stone of their choosing.
- An antique engagement ring (from a family member or from a jeweler) with a diamond or gemstone center. Some of these rings would be good right-hand rings later. Look at the online retailer Brilliant Earth for ideas.
 
It's ridiculous how expensive a relatively common rock can be, simply due to advertising and jealousy.

Sit her down and tell her a med student’s fiancé doesn’t get a $10k ring. If that’s a problem for her she will be more trouble than she’s worth

Man. Instead of putting money in a roth ira where the magic of compound interest works for you, the corporate overlords have your nuts in a grip, making you spend a ton of cash on something useless. After you buy that ring, see how much the dealer will pay for it to get it back. Chumps.

Say it louder for the ppl in the back :claps:
 
Ask her! Since she simply can't have her ultimate ring now, there are compromises that have to be made, and which would she prefer them to be? Tell her how much you can afford to spend now-ish and see what she has to say.

If she can't handle a compromise, she's not the one. But if she's going to be your life partner, seek her input.

Good Luck!

Bolded the most important parts of @DokterMom ’s wise post. If this woman loves you and is a reasonable human being, she’ll recognize that you have to balance making her dreams come true with what’s actually feasible.
 
Say it louder for the ppl in the back :claps:

While I don’t entirely disagree with you or @Psai, I think there can be mitigating circumstances. Certainly, OP should talk to his intended fiancée about finances and what they realistically can afford, and possible alternatives. However, in some cultures (mine included), especially if the woman comes from a wealthy family, a small ring that doesn’t “fit” her status is seen as extremely insulting to the woman and the family, like the man doesn’t care about the woman enough. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is not up to me or anyone to judge...I am familiar with this situation, having faced it myself...so just a thought. If cultural/ethnic issues are not at play, then by all means, OP should do what is most financially sound.


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