Fear Harassment by Ex at Work

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DoctorsSister

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Hello everyone,

Essentially, my sister is afraid to break up with her current live-in partner, because she fears that he will harass her/stalk her at her various general surgery rotations. He is ex-military, and so she fears that no matter what measures she takes that he will somehow find her at work. She is not exactly afraid of physical violence, but that he will make a large ruckus/scene and she fears that that will reflect badly on her to the attendings/interns. She is also afraid that if he harasses her at work, this will potentially ruin her career prospects. She has 1.5 years of residency left, and she is seriously considering staying in this toxic relationship until she can effectively move to a new hospital system/practice. However, it is imperative that she leave him as soon as arrangements can be made for a new place to live, etc.

She also fears immediately filing a restraining order, because she fears that will "set him off" even more, and basically augment the problem.

So, my question is, what support systems does a hospital system have for women with "crazy ex-boyfriends?" What are some possible solutions? Any advice at all is welcome.

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No kids?
He's not a hospital employee?

Then Just leave. If he contacts someone at work or shows up in the parking garage, then it's time to involve the legal system. Hospitals are pretty secure places, particularly once someone has been trespassed. As for ex-mil, that's really irrelevant unless he's currently law enforcement. He won't affect her job prospects.

If she thinks he's dangerous, restraining orders are not effective. Simple things like staying with friends for a couple months and valet parking at work (quite common at hospitals now) are helpful. Staying with someone who scares her isn't safe either.
 
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I agree. I think she's overly worried that this would reflect badly on her, rather than on him. That said, talking to her PD prior might be a good idea. If one of my residents brought this issue to me, I'd be prepared for it should it happen, alert security, etc. And, if it didn't happen, then no big deal.
 
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How would he be able harass her during her rotates? As said above, it's pretty difficult to get into the areas of the hospital you would need to to harass a physician, especially one on surgery, unless they are an employee. Security will shut that down quick. And if I saw a guy causing trouble around one of my coresidents, I'd more likely believe that he was the 'bad' person than her, and would seek to understand the situation rather than think poorly of her.

She needs to get out of the toxic relationship for her own mental health, and embrace her supports at work to help her through the next year and a half.
 
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Part of her concerns stem from the absolute mind**** that can result from an abusive, toxic relationship. Her belief that his actions could reflect negatively on her or that her previous decision to be in a relationship with him could reflect negatively on her are part of the distortion of reality that occurs over time in an abusive relationship. It can be difficult for those who have never been through the experience to understand why someone would stay with an abuser but this is part of it.

Agreed with those above. She should alert her PD and if she is close with any of her co-residents she should also confide in them. That way if there are any questions about what is going on, those people can have her back if this guy tries to start trouble and/or causes any incidents at work that might need explanations to other residents or hospital staff.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is sometimes more mental than physical because you've spent so much energy previously convincing yourself of why you need to stay. But surgical residencies usually breed closeness among the residents through shared experience and hopefully she can rely on the support of her colleagues more than she realizes. If this happened in my program my fellow residents would respect her courage to finally take a stand for herself and would be a great support system.
 
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Your sister is right to be afraid: leaving a relationship like this (or attempting to) is in itself dangerous. That is not to say she shouldn't leave the relationship: of course she must. But she needs to do it in a way which is as safe as possible. There are resources out there for women in these situations: try the local women's refuge or domestic violence helpline for advice. Your sister does not need to have been physically beaten up to use these resources, the fact that she is in a relationship against her will for fear of what an emotionally abusive and controlling boyfriend will do is quite sufficient.

Your sister needs to have a safe place set up to go to, and to get to it before she gives the boyfriend any indication that she is leaving. She then needs to make it clear to him that the relationship is over and that she wants no more contact. She needs not to go back on that statement by agreeing to meet him for any reason whatsoever or in any circumstances whatsoever.

A heads-up to her PD is a good idea. She does not need to go into details: it can be as brief as "I have left a relationship with this person, I am concerned about his stability and potential to stalk me at the hospital. He has a military background. I would be grateful if security could be made aware that this is a potential problem."
 
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Let her take protection order against him at court. They will let him sign on not to contact her by any mean. No text, calls or physically work with her. She should take this step and let the work also know they have this protection order against him so they will give it to the hospital security to prevent him from coming and in the same time they will never ruin your opportunity based on his behavior


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The only way that I can see him impacting her reputation is on these websites where people "rate" their doctors.

Again, that doesn't change what needs to be done and the timing of it in this situation at all.

There are ways of dealing with reviews on these sites.

Sorry, not to be a Negative Nancy, just one thing that came to mind. If I ever had a real "enemy" in life this would just be something I would look to mitigate down the line.
 
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