Fiance Ultimatum

[NCBI]

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Hey all. I'm gearing up for the 4 year of my medical curriculum. Currently all on track and qualified for a neurosurgical residency. Neurosurgery was my intention before starting medical school. It was intention throughout my entire PhD, and it is my intention now. Recently, I bought a ring for my GF of 4 years. She knows of my interest in surgery, though she doesn't like when school is all I talk about. Anyway, online anecdotes of the neurosurgery/family life brings up bad and good articles (mostly bad). This is perpetuating her uncertainty in us going further. Her biggest fear is that when she's pregnant (if she gets pregnant), she will be alone. Second to that, she doesn't want to raise the kids on her own. Financially, I come from a background where there money, and I have no loans thanks to MTSP, so hiring a nanny or au pair is totally an option. Even with that idea proposed she is skeptical and showing some big red flags of concern. I'm 29 years old right now, and she's 31. At the end of residency she will be 38...in her books that a no go for baby making. I love this girl and I want to make it work. I don't want her to feel alone. And the residency that I am spot that gearing for (and am on very good terms with the director) isn't even a top academic program -- I am specifically applying their because it allows my GF to be within an hour of her family. She is still skeptical.

I am not asking so much of "is it possible to have a life and work nsurg" -- I am fully aware of the time commitment, hours, personality, ego, and focus it takes to do what I want to do - and know that it will test my future family. What I'd like to hear more about, is how your family life is of your specialty. Nsurg and GenSurg have their reputations..but I am sure all residencies have a life draining, time demanding aspect to them. So tell me about them. Did you have babies during residency? Did you wait? Did you have them during medical school? Is your wife in the medical field? Is she a stay at home mom? Did you have family help? Did you decide you shouldn't have kids ? - (I really want kids) - . Was she skeptical about you choosing your residency? I'm feeling a little bit trapped, and I don't have anyone to go to. I don't want to talk to my parents or peers about this because they all know I just bought a ring (I haven't asked her yet) -- if I were to tell them that my soon-to-be finance is doubting our future -- they will inevitably pass judgement on me, and more so on her, and I don't want that.

I'm not willing to change my residency of interest. I'm hoping you guys all time me your residencies are just as crappy as mine will be, and that way I can say "hey look, I talked to a internist/radiologist/neurologist/otolaryngologist and they said residency tested their relationship too"...I guess if I can win on that sell... the final factor will be convincing her that 7 years isn't that long (even though I have an extensive research background, if they let me I'm still doing a research year). Thanks for the advice guys/gals. I really appreciate it.

One side note - girlfriend is in optometry school, she's college educated, and prepped to also have a busy career

 

[cpants]

I will say residency is not easy especially with regard to family life. It is possible to have kids, and many residents do it, but your spouse is going to have to be on board with picking up a lot of the slack. You will be in the hospital a lot of nights. You will miss a lot of doctors appointments and events. She will have to be the primary caregiver for a child. You are smart to have these discussions with her before marriage. Something is going to have to give, and she better be on board with it (regardless of your specialty of choice, but especially with a surgical subspecialty).

 

[Pir8DeacDoc]

I'm going to come about this from a slightly different angle. I don't presume to know you, your relationship, or anything else. Just a different angle to consider.
One facet of being married to someone is understanding their job and the pros and cons of that. That's pretty easy for most people to manage because they work a 9-5, 40 hour week and that's that. But medicine, and neurosurgery especially, is an entirely different animal. Even if you can find a cushy job once out in practice (I'm not sure what that means for NSurg- maybe spine?) you are still going to have to make 7 years of life work with someone who is very hesitant before things have even gotten bad. It sounds like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Lots of things can be right about a relationship, but having a mate who understands the demands of your job (especially as a physician) is really important IMHO. Good luck. I realize this sort of stuff sucks. But better to get it all hammered out now than down the road.

 

[Smurfette]

Closing crossposted thread; users who wish to comment can do so in the Allo thread.