Financial Situation/Social Life/Dating as Resident? (esp.as a woman?)

[hopefloatsss]

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Hi,
I'm a little bit hesitant in posting on this thread with all of you residents/hope I'm not breaking any rules, but just wanted to ask about your financial situation/dating/social life as a resident - especially if you're a woman-because I'm terrified that I'm going to die single/alone/miserable/poor while my friends are all married. I know, stupid thing to worry about, but it's the only thing that worries me right now.

I don't know what triggered this - either having unlimited time doing nothing as I prepare for school, looking at wedding invites, or dealing with the "fade-out" of the last guy I was dating - I'm getting such scary cold feet about medicine/residency, especially as they relate to dating. Even if you think my problem is stupid (I'm sorry!), I'd love to hear your experiences dating as a resident/meeting people.

I'm 25 moving from a huge metro city (think NY, LA, Miami) where I worked relatively okay hours (50 hours a week, so had time to date, see friends, money to spend on things.) to a small town for medical school, with less than 100 people per class. I'm fine not dating as a medical student, but I've had so much time in one of the largest cities in the US to date and haven't found someone. What am I supposed to do as a resident when I'm older/everyone my age is taken/supposed to have less time/too busy? When all the guys will be dating younger? Am I doomed?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you, residents (especially women), have time to date? I've always been able to get out of work and meet a guy for drinks at 8pm or something. Is this life over? Will I not be able to date until I'm a full fledged doctor - at 33? While guys can always date younger, I'm not sure as a woman I'd want to or even can.

Do you feel like your dating life is different from those of your friends in other careers? Or similar?

If I don't meet anyone at medical school - do you feel like you're disadvantaged? My medical school class is too small and I've always dated older guys not in medicine. Is this not possible anymore?

Do you feel like you can meet other people outside of medicine? Do you have friends outside of medicine? Can you maintain them? Can you make dinners/happy hour plans with friends? I'm terrified that I will be lonely and not have any time to do anything with other friends besides those in medicine 🙁

Do you have any money to spend? Buy nice things sometimes? Go out to dinner? I was shocked to find that I'd be making 45k as a resident, when I made that right out of college... Do you feel it?

I know medicine will pay for me in terms of long term life - 30, 40, 50. I know it. I know it plays to my strengths/desires. I'm just terrified for whats to come in my 20s. Can y'all help? Women, especially who have dated/met people as a resident, I'd love to get your input.

 

[jhamaican]

no sane man wants a washed/used up career driven woman who "has always dated older guys not in medicine". Sure you can date younger guys but i guarantee they will not take your seriously...

If you are 25+, and just starting medical school as a female, I have some bad news. Your decline has already begun.

Recommended reading: http://therationalmale.com/2012/06/04/final-exam-navigating-the-smp/

How confused female medical students think it is: http://therationalmale.com/2012/06/12/smv-in-girl-world/

I would recommend you cut your losses and lower your standards.... or enjoy your cats

That being said, there are lots of beta males in medicine who will eagerly put a ring on your finger as they are so desperate for female attention (but these are probably not the guys you will find attractive after dating older men in a large metropolitan city)

So many female medical students/doctors have huge egos, but unfortunately time is against you. You are spending your prime years (as a female, different for guys), going through some of the most difficult schooling in the world.

at least you have common sense enough to be worried, and you should be. It's gonna be a hard road ahead. Completely different for men coming out of medicine in their prime, while most women, confused by society, chose to spend their best years career hunting - as they have been told by the media will make them happy

 

[deleted480308]

you are under the impression that 30yr old women can't find a date?...especially intelligent ones with a career?

 

[meerkat111]

you are under the impression that 30yr old women can't find a date?...especially intelligent ones with a career?

Sorry to interrupt the pity party here_ but this is the reason medical students and residents should not look down on Moms. With the exception of few family friendly residencies, moms are seen as "freeloaders" when in fact they work much much harder. It takes hardwork to build relationships, friendships and families, dot period.

 

[deleted116380]

Sorry to interrupt the pity party here_ but this is the reason medical students and residents should not look down on Moms. With the exception of few family friendly residencies, moms are seen as "freeloaders" when in fact they work much much harder. It takes hardwork to build relationships, friendships and families, dot period.

Single mom in residency trying to date? Yeah, seems like all their free time is taken up by their kid so the chances of dating (especially as an intern) is next to nil in that case. Not sure how my program helped out moms and if they were what you consider a family friendly residency or not. I have zero desire to get married and have kids for at least another 10 years (close to 30 now so late 30s timeframe for me). I think people having kids and getting married in their early and mid 20s is crazy, but whatever floats their boat.

 

[Neuronix]

Don't be crazy, keep yourself in good shape, and have reasonable standards. If you meet those three (heck even 2 out of the 3 really), you'll be fine.

 

[DrCharlemagne]

Prognosticating your future dating life as a resident before you have taken your first test is putting your cart before the horse. I think you're spot on that this is leftover relationship angst, probably fueled by a little anxiety over medical school, just looking for a reason to hang on. You're about to undergo several huge changes in your life, and fretting about the future at least gives you something to do.

You will meet people in medical school, in professional organizations, at conferences, in bars, at parties, on vacation, while visiting family, and everywhere in between. You might wind up alone, but you might also be hit by a bus, and worrying about either won't influence whether they occur. Focus on your studies and keep yourself well mentally and physically. There are plenty of d00ds who will be single and your age in your community at any given point in time who would love to take you out and show you a good time, provided you're an engaging, if busy, lady who decides to make the time for those opportunities.

You will have money (eventually). You will have fun (probably sooner than you think). You will have an excellent career and a lot to offer in a relationship when the right person arrives.

 

[SweetD2014]

no sane man wants a washed/used up career driven woman who "has always dated older guys not in medicine". Sure you can date younger guys but i guarantee they will not take your seriously...

If you are 25+, and just starting medical school as a female, I have some bad news. Your decline has already begun.

...

I would recommend you cut your losses and lower your standards.... or enjoy your cats

That being said, there are lots of beta males in medicine who will eagerly put a ring on your finger as they are so desperate for female attention (but these are probably not the guys you will find attractive after dating older men in a large metropolitan city)

So many female medical students/doctors have huge egos, but unfortunately time is against you. You are spending your prime years (as a female, different for guys), going through some of the most difficult schooling in the world.

at least you have common sense enough to be worried, and you should be. It's gonna be a hard road ahead. Completely different for men coming out of medicine in their prime, while most women, confused by society, chose to spend their best years career hunting - as they have been told by the media will make them happy

Dude. Ewww.

OP, I have good news and bad news. The good news is: being in medical school, residency, and in general being a career-driven person won't hinder your chances at finding Mr. Right. The bad news is: you may never find Mr. Right, regardless of what you do or do not do. So, it's easier said than done, but focus on making yourself happy. Feel alive and comfortable in your own skin. I just suffered through my second divorce, am starting my intern year, and am asking myself a million questions about what I've done right or wrong (how could I have not seen that raging alcoholism in my partner coming 3 years ahead of time? hm?) At the same time, I have plenty of friends who have strong marriages, children, and are happy... and plenty of friends who are single and never even dated seriously in med school, who are happy. And plenty of friends in both camps who are fracking miserable. The type of woman who is content to stay at home and raise kiddos is not going to be satisfied with the same type of partner that you will be... it's comparing apples to oranges to question whether adopting some sort of homemaker role would make you happier. Regardless of whether you get married/get religion/read a million self-help books/go to therapy every week/buy a Vitamix and use it daily... there's no right answer. No one size fits all. And certainly no one on here can answer your question, for you.

Here's what I do know, in my extremely limited experience: I have met many people on their death bed, and thanks to the specialty I am going into have spent more than my fair share in facilities where people are approaching the end of their lives. Truly, the greatest regrets are over the things not done out of fear, or complacency, or lack of ambition. Honestly, anyone can get married in their 20s and raise a pack of kids (granted, it's not so easy to do it well). A few of these women, indeed, make a career out of it (I'm sorry, but it's true). (This is NOT a career mom vs career woman argument, btw... there are plenty who do both and do it well, and plenty who do either and do it miserably.) Very few can become a physician and have the honor of supporting the restoration of health to countless patients. One bit of advice to you: do not stick with someone, much less marry them, simply because you are afraid of being alone. My dear, you will NEVER be alone unless you choose to be. I have drawn support, health, and happiness from my patients without their even realizing it; I have witnessed strength and dignity in people suffering from injury and disease that I would have never imagined possible. I have laughed and cried with colleagues, and shared some of my most special moments with residents I barely know but have bonded with quickly simply by virtue of shared experience. I've experienced incredible intimacy with partners that I've had, and enjoyed relationships where mutual respect is the foundation, and the men that I've dated aren't threatened by an intelligent, ambitious parter (I'll be honest, looks do help here, lol. Indeed, keep in shape, if for no other reason than that it will bring you confidence). I have been told so many times that I was destined to become jaded by medicine, miserable and wiped out and bitter at all of the sacrifice for so little gain. I've simply stopped waiting for it to happen. I am blessed beyond measure with a $44,000 salary, tasteless free hospital food, and being at the bottom of the totem pole. Someday I'd love to have a family and know what the joy of motherhood, etc. feels like - but even if I never knew another source of happiness, this life would be enough. You have no idea what lies in store for you - and maybe medicine won't make you happy. But there is no guarantee that marrying at 25 would, either. Be thankful that Mr. Fade-Away took off when he did... take advantage of the opportunity to explore what your new life will be like, and enjoy the ride as much as you can.

 

[EMDO2018]

You will have choices, your days of being extremely picky are over though. Be emotionally mature, keep yourself in shape, have reasonable standards, and you'll be okay.

 

[correctlywrong]

Don't take dating advice from SDN!

There really is someone for everyone. At 25, you are way too young to be freaking out about being single forever. Guys who try to tell you that women have a short shelf-life are exactly the dorkweiners that you don't want to date. You would be better off alone than with a creep like that.

Just focus on doing what you need to do to get yourself established. When you are ready to date, there are a lot of good ways to meet men that you would actually want to have a family with. I've seen female residents date successfully during residency. It can be done.

 

[ThoracicGuy]

 

[cognitus]

Don't take dating advice from SDN!

There really is someone for everyone. At 25, you are way too young to be freaking out about being single forever. Guys who try to tell you that women have a short shelf-life are exactly the dorkweiners that you don't want to date. You would be better off alone than with a creep like that.

Just focus on doing what you need to do to get yourself established. When you are ready to date, there are a lot of good ways to meet men that you would actually want to have a family with. I've seen female residents date successfully during residency. It can be done.

This. You'll also have stuff to do, so you may have less time for dating. I'm a guy, so I don't know how applicable this is to you, but my dating life actually IMPROVED dramatically in medical school. However, I also went to medical school in a HUGE city. I wouldn't worry though. You are seeing enough married female doctors, correct? They are all over the place.
Money should be less of an issue for you. You're a woman, so I assume that you will have many of your dates paid for.

 

[DokterMom]

One other tidbit -- Once you become an attending, you will also have the financial freedom to select a man who prioritizes family over career. Yes, seriously. There are many wonderful secure men who will be proud of you and your accomplishments and are secure enough in themselves to date a woman who is more financially and professionally successful than they are, and these men can make wonderful partners.

Not saying you have to or even should go that route -- just that there are some true gems that fall into that category who you might be tempted to overlook if you limit yourself to just MD/Law/Wall Street types.

 

[Law2Doc]

One other tidbit -- Once you become an attending, you will also have the financial freedom to select a man who prioritizes family over career. Yes, seriously. There are many wonderful secure men who will be proud of you and your accomplishments and are secure enough in themselves to date a woman who is more financially and professionally successful than they are...

...and six months later you will be frustrated that they have so little ambition compared to your friends' guys... It's kind of rare for these role reversal relationships to work out long term in my experience. Two equals is probably the ideal here.

 

[atomi]

...and six months later you will be frustrated that they have so little ambition compared to your friends' guys... It's kind of rare for these role reversal relationships to work out long term in my experience. Two equals is probably the ideal here.

This. See this all the time. Nice young girl marries nice non-doctor during or before med school. Later in med school or residency, her Italian designer-clothes wearing "friends" talk about their desire to marry tall rich men, usually other doctors, who want to live in NYC. These slowly become her wants as well. She drags her husband along with her to dinners and other engagements with her friends and co-workers, and they all ignore him. Soon her friends bring up the D-word and talk about setting her up with Dr. so-and-so. Girl starts to believe her guy is not ambitious because he's not earning 6 figures even though he typically has a stable job in a respectable field. Then the affairs begin and she leaves him. Poor slob never knew what hit him.

 

[Neuronix]

😵 SDN relationship threads always show me how strange other people are.

 

[DokterMom]

...and six months later you will be frustrated that they have so little ambition compared to your friends' guys... It's kind of rare for these role reversal relationships to work out long term in my experience. Two equals is probably the ideal here.

That's what I assumed while I was still married to Hubby #1 - let's just call him WSA for Wall St. Anatomical-part. He was ambitious and financially successful all right, but his idea of the perfect life could be concisely described with a $___. Though I had a successful career of my own, the loneliness was indescribable. Fortunately, a conversation I had shortly after my divorce was finalized with a girlfriend (a psychiatrist, incidentally, married to a surgeon) really hit home. I had recently started dating a "just for fun" guy whose company (cough, cough) I was really enjoying, but didn't consider seriously because of his blue-collar career. She pointed out that oftentimes, there wasn't room in a marriage for two serious careers, and that statistically, high-powered women often found themselves very happy with less career-oriented men.

WSA's big paycheck and boundless ambition certainly hadn't bought me any happiness. After considering it for a few weeks, I realized I could be financially secure on just my own paycheck, and decided to keep an open mind with regard to Fun Guy (aka Hubby #2) - and I can honestly say that that was the single best decision in my entire life.

 

[ram006]

That's what I assumed while I was still married to Hubby #1 - let's just call him WSA for Wall St. Anatomical-part. He was ambitious and financially successful all right, but his idea of the perfect life could be concisely described with a $___. Though I had a successful career of my own, the loneliness was indescribable. Fortunately, a conversation I had shortly after my divorce was finalized with a girlfriend (a psychiatrist, incidentally, married to a surgeon) really hit home. I had recently started dating a "just for fun" guy whose company (cough, cough) I was really enjoying, but didn't consider seriously because of his blue-collar career. She pointed out that oftentimes, there wasn't room in a marriage for two serious careers, and that statistically, high-powered women often found themselves very happy with less career-oriented men.

WSA's big paycheck and boundless ambition certainly hadn't bought me any happiness. After considering it for a few weeks, I realized I could be financially secure on just my own paycheck, and decided to keep an open mind with regard to Fun Guy (aka Hubby #2) - and I can honestly say that that was the single best decision in my entire life.

Ouch. Or not? I can't tell. Blue collar "fun guy" doesn't seem like a flaterring description but, then again, who cares if you're both happy. Such is life...

 

[DokterMom]

Ouch. Or not? I can't tell. Blue collar "fun guy" doesn't seem like a flaterring description but, then again, who cares if you're both happy. Such is life...

You've never dated anyone assuming the relationship would not go the long haul? So just for fun? Turns out, there was/is much, much more to him, but I was short-sighted at first. And never under-rate the long term value of fun.

 

[ram006]

You've never dated anyone assuming the relationship would not go the long haul? So just for fun? Turns out, there was/is much, much more to him, but I was short-sighted at first. And never under-rate the long term value of fun.

Ha, ya you're right.

 

[Silent Cool]

I hate these stupid f*#$&$^ threads.

 

[VenusinFurs]

I got laid for a bit as a resident.

I screwed it up by having a dumb brain though?

 

[reedsposer22]

Dude. Ewww.



.

thanks for the good read. I am horrified that I will never find a wife. I want one bad, but feel to busy to date seriously.

 

[NeedToStudy]

story of my life.