Fraternizing with attending

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coyotelove

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Ok, here it is.

I have tried to ask for advice on confidential consult but my thread was never posted and that was almost a month ago.
I can't ask advice from within my program or they will all figure the situation out and that would not be good at this point.

Ok, so I became good friends with one of my attendings somehow. We just really hit it off during my rotation and continued socializing for months afterwards.

The relationship has turned phyisical between us and now it has turned from a teacher's pet innocent thing into a sneaking around, can't make eye contact during lectures thing.

I am graduating very soon. Should I stop seeing him and then see if it's for real after graduation? Then neither of us could get in trouble for it, right?

Would appreciate any experience, strength, hope on this. I don't need any %$sholes taking the moral highground. Believe me, I know this is not the ideal situation. But I think this might be the real thing, unless it turns out that he has been using me as a plaything and is planning to dump me anyway.

So, basically he is Dr McDreamy and I am just another resident...

HELP!!!!😕
 
Lol. 'Fraternizing with the attending.' Nice way of saying hooking up.

Are you a resident or a medical student?

And by finishing soon, do you mean in a month or next year?

It's hard to know what his intentions are. He could be using you for a good time. You'd be the best judge of that. But just poor judgement on his part since if you got pissed at him, you could levy a fair amount of complaints/sexual harassment claims.
 
coyotelove said:
Ok, here it is.

I have tried to ask for advice on confidential consult but my thread was never posted and that was almost a month ago.
I can't ask advice from within my program or they will all figure the situation out and that would not be good at this point.

Ok, so I became good friends with one of my attendings somehow. We just really hit it off during my rotation and continued socializing for months afterwards.

The relationship has turned phyisical between us and now it has turned from a teacher's pet innocent thing into a sneaking around, can't make eye contact during lectures thing.

I am graduating very soon. Should I stop seeing him and then see if it's for real after graduation? Then neither of us could get in trouble for it, right?

Would appreciate any experience, strength, hope on this. I don't need any %$sholes taking the moral highground. Believe me, I know this is not the ideal situation. But I think this might be the real thing, unless it turns out that he has been using me as a plaything and is planning to dump me anyway.

So, basically he is Dr McDreamy and I am just another resident...

HELP!!!!😕
Click to expand...

Sometimes writing this stuff down can help... re-read what you wrote, and see if your own words give you some direction.

But, what I'll say is this. You can tackle any life-problem from a number of angles. You've already said you'd rather not think of the "moral highground". So the question is... in your decision, which pathway to higher ground do you choose to take? Ethical, legal, academic-integrity, rational, pragmatic, spiritual, religious....? Or escapism? Whatever you chose, you have to make a choice.
 
I am a resident graduating next month. I rarely post on SDN; that is why I never updated my status from medical student to resident.

Regarding moral highground. I know it is wrong to sneak around with someone you are not supposed to be with. But these feelings are bigger than my decison making faculties.

I have lost all objectivity with this guy. I am out of control. He wants us to stay away from eachother until I graduate. Why didn't he think of that in the first place??? Why didn't I? The last few months of residency can be crazy; I think I just got a bad case of senioritis coupled with fear of the real world. And he is the perfect way of escaping; it is an incredible secret.

I have been a perfect medical student and resident up until the last 4 months. Now I am shameless.
 
coyotelove said:
I am a resident graduating next month. I rarely post on SDN; that is why I never updated my status from medical student to resident.

Regarding moral highground. I know it is wrong to sneak around with someone you are not supposed to be with. But these feelings are bigger than my decison making faculties.

I have lost all objectivity with this guy. I am out of control. He wants us to stay away from eachother until I graduate. Why didn't he think of that in the first place??? Why didn't I? The last few months of residency can be crazy; I think I just got a bad case of senioritis coupled with fear of the real world. And he is the perfect way of escaping; it is an incredible secret.

I have been a perfect medical student and resident up until the last 4 months. Now I am shameless.
Click to expand...

Oh geez. You have your answer already. He wants to stay away until you're completely done as a resident. Whether this means he doesn't want to be with you or he does and wants to wait isn't something we can answer.

Keep your $hit together for these last few months and quit acting like some love struck kid for the sake of your own career and reputation among your program. Try not to play this out like Fatal Attraction.
 
Anonperson,

Thank you for the sage advice. You are right; either it is over or it is postponed due to McDreamy suddenly growing a professional conscience.
Either way, I need to stay focused and graduate with some pride. I didn't walk through all this **** to end up a casualty of love.

I am gonna stay away from him if that's what he wants. I do not plan on embarrassing myself by acting like a lovestruck kid. I am a freaking physician at the end of a long road. I have a great job waiting for me this summer.

If what we have is real and meant to be, it will happen again when we are on a more level playing ground. I didn't have a chance with him; I would have run naked through the streets if he told me to. He's my Attending!

I am definitely not going the Fatal Atrraction way; I'm way too cool for that.
 
I hate to be a buzz-kill, but I find it highly unlikely that people don't know in the program. I saw the exact same situation in my residency, and even without anyone saying a word or without any of what I thought were blatent signals, the women of the program figured out which attending this resident was seeing.

don't let this ruin your future, cool your jets since he says he wants to wait till after you graduate, then see what happens.
 
Just chill until July. if it is real it will still be there.
 
(1) There are people in the hospital that know about you two. Hospital grapevines are NOTORIOUS for this.

(2) If he doesn't want to see you "for now," he's not interested.

(3) It's not worth it. Find a boyfriend that will respect you, in a relationship that you don't have to keep as your dirty little secret.
 
It's only a couple of months. Just wait until you are finished with residency, and then see what happens. And don't beat yourself up about this...hopefully the "physical stuff" was good. It's really not that big of a deal. If he dumps you, he was a chump anyway. If he doesn't, he'll probably be even more in to you after waiting for a couple of months...guys are just that way..LOL.
 
Ok, I have a couple comments..

The physical stuff was exquisite, by the way. I wouldn't trade it for anything. We had a very very very good time. And it being forbidden made only magnified the euphoria.

The lidocaine before the scalpel? Meaning the real pain is yet to come? Meaning a bloodletting? Meaning a cure? A full disclosure? Exposure?

Thanks, fellow docs, I appreciate the comments; helped put this into perspective. I think the worst part was not being able to talk to ANYONE about it, not even my BFF.

If this was a dump he is not doing a very thorough job. He still calls everyday and we still flirt via text all day long. And he still wants to know what I'm doing when and who with, blah blah blah . What the hell?

Should I just cease contact with him and see if the spark is still there after graduation? Or should I continue to play his games, walk around incredibly sexually frustrated for the next month, and wait to see if I am just another distraction that he got bored with in his ADD life...
 
does the phrase "dont $#!+ where you eat" mean anything to anyone? I suspect this thread has more to do with seniorits than anything else.
 
Seems like your attending is making a distinction, then, between the physical and the emotional component of your relationship. Have you asked why? And if so, did the answer make any sense?
 
Don't you have any good friends out of state/out of the country you can talk to about this? LOL.
I can't believe you have time to text him all day, and I wonder what residency you are doing. I also wonder what kind of attending job he has that he has time to do this...
Just be cautious. You can't think clearly @this point in a relationship because the sex euphoria has not worn off yet. If you still like each other after 4-6 months that means you really like each other.
 
dragonfly99 said:
Don't you have any good friends out of state/out of the country you can talk to about this? LOL.
I can't believe you have time to text him all day, and I wonder what residency you are doing. I also wonder what kind of attending job he has that he has time to do this...
Just be cautious. You can't think clearly @this point in a relationship because the sex euphoria has not worn off yet. If you still like each other after 4-6 months that means you really like each other.
Click to expand...


And thats why I'm thinking this thread has more to do with senioritis, than anything else. :whistle:
 
jdh71 said:
it is interesting to note the differences between the men and the women in this thread
Click to expand...

I'd only chimed in because I thought the OP was just a med student. But now... :corny:
 
I'm not sure what the problem is.

There is absolutely nothing "forbidden" about a faculty member dating or having a relationship with a resident. It's not illegal, immoral, or unethical in any way. As a PD, the only problem is that you would no longer be able to evaluate or be evaluated by that faculty member. If you're in a very small program, perhaps that would be a problem. Also if you're in a surgical program where you spend time in the OR together, that could be problematic. If not, then we just make sure that going forward you don't end up on the same teams.

Note the same is true for residents and medical students.

No question that you open your life up for some potential drama with this. If the relationship goes "bad", it could affect your work life. That would be unfortunate, and it's a risk you take.
 
aProgDirector said:
I'm not sure what the problem is.

There is absolutely nothing "forbidden" about a faculty member dating or having a relationship with a resident. It's not illegal, immoral, or unethical in any way. As a PD, the only problem is that you would no longer be able to evaluate or be evaluated by that faculty member. If you're in a very small program, perhaps that would be a problem. Also if you're in a surgical program where you spend time in the OR together, that could be problematic. If not, then we just make sure that going forward you don't end up on the same teams.

Note the same is true for residents and medical students.

No question that you open your life up for some potential drama with this. If the relationship goes "bad", it could affect your work life. That would be unfortunate, and it's a risk you take.
Click to expand...

Not necessarily true. One of the hospitals where I previously trained had a policy that faculty could not have a romantic relationship with a student or resident. Not sure there was any rule(s) regarding residents having relationships with students (doubt it). The problem with having a rule like this is that people are bound to violate it, and then the administration has to decide whether they want to selectively enforce it or not. I think it's stupid to have a rule like that because you really can't stop people from doing what they are going to do.
 
Some places forbid it because after the fact, when there is a power differential in the relationship it is hard to prove it wasn't sexual harassment and some institutions don't want to deal with the BS. For the resident, if this attending is already breaking rules with this relationship and sending mixed signals, don't rule out that s/he is somewhat crazy (maybe not axis I but kind of a mess anyway). You actually have the upper hand here, I think, so take a real break (no texting or messages either) and if your attending can't respect that I'd consider it them not respecting your boundaries.
 
dragonfly99 said:
Not necessarily true. One of the hospitals where I previously trained had a policy that faculty could not have a romantic relationship with a student or resident. Not sure there was any rule(s) regarding residents having relationships with students (doubt it). The problem with having a rule like this is that people are bound to violate it, and then the administration has to decide whether they want to selectively enforce it or not. I think it's stupid to have a rule like that because you really can't stop people from doing what they are going to do.
Click to expand...

Interesting. I wouldn't think it's legal to tell people whom they can date and whom they can't. I can see the problem that can arise when a supervisor dates a subordonate -- if they get a promotion, everyone assumes it's because they slept with the boss whether they deserved it or not. Still, there are ways around that (i.e. have someone else in charge of deciding the promotion). In addition, the supervisor should know that if things get ugly (i.e. the subordinate claims sexual harrassment / discrimination) that their job is on the line -- so obviously it's best avoided. If you outlaw it, you need to fire everyone who breaks the rule...
 
It seems like the prudent thing to do is wait until July - you're so close to graduating that it's worth just waiting it out. And if it's not there, you had some fun, got to do something "forbidden" which made it exciting. That's not the worst thing to have happened. Maybe you'll be pissed for a couple weeks and then find someone else. Or it might turn out to be something real. Either way, just wait it out.
 
Fraternize the hell out of him 🙂
 
coyotelove said:
If this was a dump he is not doing a very thorough job. He still calls everyday and we still flirt via text all day long. And he still wants to know what I'm doing when and who with, blah blah blah . What the hell?

Should I just cease contact with him and see if the spark is still there after graduation? Or should I continue to play his games, walk around incredibly sexually frustrated for the next month, and wait to see if I am just another distraction that he got bored with in his ADD life...
Click to expand...

It almost sounds like this guy is married and that is the real issue. If he was worried about getting caught in the last month before you completed residency, then instead of saying "let's not see each other til after graduation" but call/text you, he would have said a much more reasonable "let's not socialize at the hospital for the next month and just have lots and lots of fraternization at my/your place". 😕

Personally, as a girl, I'm of the mindset if you can text me all day, you can see me at night. If you don't want to see me, you don't need to text me. Sounds like a real conversation about what you both want out of the relationship is in order. If it's just lots of... fraternizing... then if that's what you want go for it. If you want more and he wants less, you're just going to be hurt and you might as well throw in the towel now.

:luck:
 
this thread made my day. literally thank you everyone.

I was going to go into a little bit of exposition about this but I'll keep it simple and I'm not being mean but I think someones biological clock is getting them them.


Just saying 🙄
 
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Buzz Me said:
(1) There are people in the hospital that know about you two. Hospital grapevines are NOTORIOUS for this.

(2) If he doesn't want to see you "for now," he's not interested.

(3) It's not worth it. Find a boyfriend that will respect you, in a relationship that you don't have to keep as your dirty little secret.
Click to expand...

Relationships do best when they are out in the light. Hush hush things never seem to end well. Cut your loses and end this thing.

Cambie
 
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So this guy you were seeing -

1) is controlling (he's calling and texting every day and wants to know who you are with and what you are doing, even after ending your relationship),
2) has ADD, and
3) has something in his life (marriage? rules of employment?) which mean he has to sneak around to see you in breach of those rules.

And you are still calling him Dr McDreamy?

Please, wake up and smell the **** here. However good the sex, this man has some serious sorting out of his life to do before he is worthy of you.
 
shopsteward said:
this man has some serious sorting out of his life to do before he is worthy of you.
Click to expand...

I don't know...I think they deserve each other.
Everybody is just mad because you landed a "mcdreamy" I see no reason this wont work out.
 
This. Thread. Is. Epic.

I doubt this is real. Nevermind the situation. Dr. McDreamy? BFF? Exquisite physical relationship resulting in euphoria? Running through the streets naked? What sort of soon-to-be attending talks like that? Sounds like someone is trolling, and doing an excellent job of it. Congrats.
 
colbgw02 said:
This. Thread. Is. Epic.

I doubt this is real. Nevermind the situation. Dr. McDreamy? BFF? Exquisite physical relationship resulting in euphoria? Running through the streets naked? What sort of soon-to-be attending talks like that? Sounds like someone is trolling, and doing an excellent job of it. Congrats.
Click to expand...

ding ding ding ding!!!! The only sort of soon-to-be-attending that talks like this is one thats got senioritis, and is otherwise bored out of their mind.
 
Are you two still fraternizing?
 
So being a doctor is like Grey's Anatomy???
 
PlutoBoy said:
Are you two still fraternizing?
Click to expand...
god i wish i had someone to fraternize with these days.

hooking up with married attendings when you are not the person married to them is seriously overrated.
 
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