Frustrated with a tricky paragraph in an essay... help!!

[meadow36]

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I'm working on an essay question about unique qualities within myself. After writing one of my better essays talking about my personal qualities, I'm having trouble with the last paragraph. It starts out like this:

"This represents a small window that looks into my personality. A person is only as deep as you want to see into them. We are all unique; no two personalities are alike. I am no exception."

Does this sound like it is worded right? I am having trouble organizing it. I think I am getting a little punchy with all these essays to write!!! Somebody offer up some advice, please!!! 😀

 

[dyachei]

I'm working on an essay question about unique qualities within myself. After writing one of my better essays talking about my personal qualities, I'm having trouble with the last paragraph. It starts out like this:

"This represents a small window that looks into my personality. A person is only as deep as you want to see into them. We are all unique; no two personalities are alike. I am no exception."

Does this sound like it is worded right? I am having trouble organizing it. I think I am getting a little punchy with all these essays to write!!! Somebody offer up some advice, please!!! 😀

Hard to say without seeing the rest of the essay, but if sounds a little choppy to me. Can you make it flow a little smoother? perhaps combine sentences or something. Also seems a little repetitive with the middle sentences. Do you need to say both of them? Is there a way to say that in a less wordy way? Not really sure if the 2nd sentence helps you all that much. Like I said though, it would help to see the rest of the PS.

 

[meadow36]

It's not a personal statement; just an answer to an essay on a supplemental. I really don't want to share the whole thing due to plagerism (sorry). But basically I talk about some of my life experiences and how they influenced my personality.

 

[aretoo]

Maybe something like:

"This represents but a small window into my personality. A person, after all, is only as deep as one looks. We are all unique; no two personalities are alike- I am no exception."

Sounds cool, good luck!!

 

[PrimalMU]

I often find that, when regular editing doesn't work a complete rewrite is in order. Unless you are in a hurry, don't work on the essay for a few days and come back to it with a fresh mind and discard what you've already written.

 

[Nexx]

"This represents a small window that looks into my personality. A person is only as deep as you want to see into them. We are all unique; no two personalities are alike. I am no exception."

You're right it's a bit odd sounding. I might suggest re-writing it to something like:

A person is only as deep as you what you make them out to be, and this represents a small window looking into my personality. We are all unique; no two personalities are the same, and I am no exception.

 

[david594]

"This represents a small window that looks into my personality. A person is only as deep as you want to see into them. We are all unique; no two personalities are alike. I am no exception."

Here is how it came across to me....

"This represents a small window that looks into my personality."
.... I understand this and like it. Good closer.

"A person is only as deep as you want to see into them."
..... So if the reader doesnt find you "deep" from the essay its there fault?

"We are all unique; no two personalities are alike."
.... Seems more of a intro type statement as this is something that would have been illustrated in the essay.

" I am no exception."
.... Seems kind of repetitive.

It really sounds to me like this is more a paragraph trying to explain why your essay on how your unique doesn't actually show how you are unique.

Sorry for the less than favorable comments. I still haven't even started that essay yet. 🙁