Getting engaged before med school

[DeepVeeToMD]

I have just been accepted into a medical school across the country from where I am currently living now and have been in a relationship with the girl I love for 7 months now. Her and I were planning to move in together on this coast for this year (it was getting so late in the application process I didn't think I'd get in). We have been long distance for several months now and she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to remain long distance when I go.

Additionally, she has made it perfectly clear that she wants to start a family within 5 years. We have tried breaking it off a couple of times to protect ourselves but both of us feel that we are meant to be together. We have been through thick and thin together (it may be a short time but in that time much that shows the character of both of us has occurred).

In short, what all this amasses to is that the only way to be fair to her and her to move across the country with me would be to give her something more permanent (what she wants). As a result, it's basically an all or nothing deal. I really have no problem getting engaged with her but I don't want to get married for another year or so (mostly due to wanting to wait to tell my family as we are kinda young).

My question is this: have any of you gotten engaged or know someone who has before medical school? How did it turn out? What are the most difficult aspects?

Serious responses only please no trolling.
Thanks 🙂

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[VisionaryTics]

I have just been accepted into a medical school across the country from where I am currently living now and have been in a relationship with the girl I love for 7 months now. Her and I were planning to move in together on this coast for this year (it was getting so late in the application process I didn't think I'd get in). We have been long distance for several months now and she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to remain long distance when I go.

Additionally, she has made it perfectly clear that she wants to start a family within 5 years. We have tried breaking it off a couple of times to protect ourselves but both of us feel that we are meant to be together. We have been through thick and thin together (it may be a short time but in that time much that shows the character of both of us has occurred).

In short, what all this amasses to is that the only way to be fair to her and her to move across the country with me would be to give her something more permanent (what she wants). As a result, it's basically an all or nothing deal. I really have no problem getting engaged with her but I don't want to get married for another year or so (mostly due to wanting to wait to tell my family as we are kinda young).

My question is this: have any of you gotten engaged or know someone who has before medical school? How did it turn out? What are the most difficult aspects?

Serious responses only please no trolling.
Thanks 🙂

I know several people that got engaged before medical school who broke off the engagement and had to deal with a massive amount of drama M1 year. My friend who got married before medical school is contemplating divorce.

You've been dating a girl for 7 months (long-distance for part of that time), you're 22 or 23, and you're about to embark upon a massive realignment of your life that will drastically change the nature of your relationship. The stupidest thing you could possibly do is get engaged because she has some pre-planned idea of your life together.

 

[metallica81788]

I have just been accepted into a medical school across the country from where I am currently living now and have been in a relationship with the girl I love for 7 months now. Her and I were planning to move in together on this coast for this year (it was getting so late in the application process I didn't think I'd get in). We have been long distance for several months now and she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to remain long distance when I go.

Additionally, she has made it perfectly clear that she wants to start a family within 5 years. We have tried breaking it off a couple of times to protect ourselves but both of us feel that we are meant to be together. We have been through thick and thin together (it may be a short time but in that time much that shows the character of both of us has occurred).

In short, what all this amasses to is that the only way to be fair to her and her to move across the country with me would be to give her something more permanent (what she wants). As a result, it's basically an all or nothing deal. I really have no problem getting engaged with her but I don't want to get married for another year or so (mostly due to wanting to wait to tell my family as we are kinda young).

My question is this: have any of you gotten engaged or know someone who has before medical school? How did it turn out? What are the most difficult aspects?

Serious responses only please no trolling.
Thanks 🙂

I see where you're coming from with the whole "I love her and if she's going to move across the country for/with me I need to show her commitment" thing. That's what I was planning to do when I thought I was going far away for med school (we'd been dating for 5 yrs).

I got engaged the summer before med school and it worked out well, we are actually getting married on Saturday. Btw, if you do decide to go through with this, don't even think about trying to have a wedding anytime in this next year. Wait until summer after first year, it's one of the only times when you'll have time.

Now as for whether you should do it or not, 7 months with some long distance when you're young is not a lot of time at all. My former roommate is doing this and nobody I know agrees with it. You just need to let her know you can't be going and starting a family in the next 4 years - pure and simple. You're young and don't need to be dealing with kids during med school. At the risk of sounding douchey, it does sound kind of odd that she wouldn't even try doing long distance even for a short time (say 1 year), but if she's willing to move that's cool.

Good luck.

 

[DeepVeeToMD]

I know several people that got engaged before medical school who broke off the engagement and had to deal with a massive amount of drama M1 year. My friend who got married before medical school is contemplating divorce.

You've been dating a girl for 7 months (long-distance for part of that time), you're 22 or 23, and you're about to embark upon a massive realignment of your life that will drastically change the nature of your relationship. The stupidest thing you could possibly do is get engaged because she has some pre-planned idea of your life together.

I appreciate your honest answer. And to be honest it isn't just her that has a pre-planned idea. I know it's weird coming from a dude but I have always wanted to find my spouse relatively young (my parents and their friends married old and now they are mostly divorced and unhappy).

I know the 7 months sounds like a short time but I have been in much longer relationships (over three years) and haven't felt the connection we have. I also understand that med school is a huge life change and commitment, and it may be impossible to balance both.

The people that you know, how did they cope with the breaking of their engagement? Because at this point breaking up would pretty much be like breaking the engagement for the way I feel about her (I know a breaking of an engagement would be far more devastating for her though).

Does anybody else know of any that worked out? Or, are they pretty much destined to fail?

 

[DeepVeeToMD]

I see where you're coming from with the whole "I love her and if she's going to move across the country for/with me I need to show her commitment" thing. That's what I was planning to do when I thought I was going far away for med school (we'd been dating for 5 yrs).

I got engaged the summer before med school and it worked out well, we are actually getting married on Saturday. Btw, if you do decide to go through with this, don't even think about trying to have a wedding anytime in this next year. Wait until summer after first year, it's one of the only times when you'll have time.

Now as for whether you should do it or not, 7 months with some long distance when you're young is not a lot of time at all. My former roommate is doing this and nobody I know agrees with it. You just need to let her know you can't be going and starting a family in the next 4 years - pure and simple. You're young and don't need to be dealing with kids during med school. At the risk of sounding douchey, it does sound kind of odd that she wouldn't even try doing long distance even for a short time (say 1 year), but if she's willing to move that's cool.

Good luck.

There's no way I'd allow kids during med school. I'd at least need to have the modest pay of a resident before I would be ok with that, and she knows that.

That being said thanks, it's comforting to know that it is a possible thing to do. I just want to have all the information I can before making a commitment or breaking two hearts.

 

[metallica81788]

There's no way I'd allow kids during med school. I'd at least need to have the modest pay of a resident before I would be ok with that, and she knows that.

That being said thanks, it's comforting to know that it is a possible thing to do. I just want to have all the information I can before making a commitment or breaking two hearts.

Yeah, it's really not that bad being the guy. If she plans most of the wedding stuff you're really not responsible for all that much and can study as much as you need.

If you take care of your business and treat school like a job, you'll have plenty of time to spend with her if she's around. Sometimes it is rough for significant others to understand in the beginning when you first make the adjustment to med school studying and having a little less free time than you're used to - but then they get used to it, too.

 

[BigRedDeal]

Here is my story:
My then boyfriend (now husband) and I had been talking of getting married a few months after meeting. We had the same goals in life, we met each others mental check lists so to speak, and we loved each other very much. But I needed a ring on my finger before I chose to go to the med school that was closer to his family and very far from my family. In exchange he would go National Guard instead of Active Duty. We got engaged right before I graduated (1 year and 3 months after dating). He was a year in school younger than I, so we did long distance my first year in med school. We chose to get married on our winter break because he is in the military and we weren't sure if he would have any time after his graduation for a wedding. So I single-handedly planned our wedding during my first semester in med school. But if your the guy, its more than doable, especially if the bride doesn't expect or want much help. We plan on having a baby in 4th year and in residency. Im not waiting until after residency to have kids. In the end, its not about what others think you should do, its about doing what you and your SO want, and making everything else work. For all those that say blah blah blah its too hard blah blah are pansies and shouldn't be in medical field in the first place.


Here is my school's story:
In a class of less than 80, 2 engagements broken off, 2 people married during winter break (including myself), 6 people married summer between M1 and M2.

 

[betsywetsy]

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[BigRedDeal]

DeepVee,
Do you love each other? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Do you have the same goals/plans? Does she understand what being a med students wife is like? Does she understand you may not have kids in 5 years?

Have you talked about short term long distance? Get engaged now or soon and then have her move when you got married? A lot of the kids in my class who were engaged and getting married this summer did long distance until they got married. Once married they moved in together. In the off chance you broke off the engagement, she would not have already picked up her life and moved.

 

[DeepVeeToMD]

DeepVee,
Do you love each other? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Do you have the same goals/plans? Does she understand what being a med students wife is like? Does she understand you may not have kids in 5 years?

Have you talked about short term long distance? Get engaged now or soon and then have her move when you got married? A lot of the kids in my class who were engaged and getting married this summer did long distance until they got married. Once married they moved in together. In the off chance you broke off the engagement, she would not have already picked up her life and moved.

These are things to discuss. I appreciate all the input. I definitely have a lot to think about but it helps to get all this information. I will definitely discuss that second possibility, as if things did take a turn for the worse at least she wouldn't have rearranged her life already.

And in response to her knowing what it's like I told her to read Hot Lights Cold Steel but if anyone else knows of some other books that highlight the dynamic of being with a doctor.

 

[Lil Mick]

Good luck, and congrats on getting in 🙂

A lot of my friends in medical school (mine and ones from high school/undergrad at different schools) are married, and some have had children during medical school. It's definitely doable. But they had been dating for years, not months. School can be very stressful and unpredictable, and about half of the young couples I've known in medical school have ended up breaking up/divorcing during school.

My own two cents: I tried this my senior year of high school (soldier shipping out to Iraq before I'd start college), and it ended up being a disaster that I had to deal with my first year of college. Security while moving away isn't a great basis for a marriage, and it is a worse mess after getting married than it is when you're dating. You need a good foundation to survive the stress of school and work while starting family life...

 

[dukejen04]

Although I am tempted to suggest that you shouldn't rush into things, if you feel this strongly it doesn't matter what other people think. If you really feel like she's the one, get engaged, show her you're committed and move in together and experience life together. No book can truly prepare her- let her experience what it is like to be with a medical student, and see if she thinks she can handle this part of your life for the next 10 years. It also might be good for you to see how you deal with a committed relationship when you have other commitments as well. I wouldn't rush the wedding- it is a lot easier to break an engagement than to go through a divorce. You don't have to get married the summer after first year, you can certainly do it another time in med school (although you may have to delay the honeymoon!). I know people who have done it after boards and during M4. If someone else's planning, all you need is a weekend and you can do it anytime!

Good luck!

 

[Sheldor]

My wife and I got engaged after dating for four months. When you know, you know. We've been happily married now for almost four years and have a beautiful son who keeps us very busy 🙂 If you know she's the one don't hesitate because of medical school. Having a spouse during med school has been amazing. She is my rock during all this mess we have to go through.

If your not sure she's the one, then, only you can really figure that out.

Hope it works out! If you have any questions let me know...

 

[feral druid]

My wife and I got engaged after dating for four months. When you know, you know. We've been happily married now for almost four years and have a beautiful son who keeps us very busy 🙂 If you know she's the one don't hesitate because of medical school. Having a spouse during med school has been amazing. She is my rock during all this mess we have to go through.

If your not sure she's the one, then, only you can really figure that out.

Hope it works out! If you have any questions let me know...

inspirational

 

[PTPoeny]

I started dating my now husband 8 months before I moved for medical school. I knew I was leaving so it started out with both of us "knowing" it was just going to be a short term fun thing as we had known each other for three years and liked each other that whole time but for various reasons hadn't gotten together before that. When it came time to start medical school we talked about it and we both wanted to stay together.

It was a slightly different situation for us as we both had moved to go to college and he needed to move to get a job in his field anyways. There wasn't anyway that either of us were going to stay in the town where we went to college or move particularly close to our parents after graduating (no medical school or jobs in his field in any of those places). So he had known for a while that he was going to need to move to a large city on the coast, moving with me was therefore less of an issue.

He proposed after M1 and we got married during my PhD years, but people make weddings happen during medical school without too much difficulty. Summer after M1 is popular, there are also fall and spring breaks during M2. I also had a bunch of friends get married late in fourth year as you have a lot of vacation time then.

You can definitely make kids work during medical school but it sounds like you don't want to at this point. I promise it really isn't the end of the world if you change your mind in a few years.


EDIT: I completely agree with sheldor, having a spouse during medical school has really made it easier for me.

 

[TOcho118]

I am engaged and starting med school in August. We are getting married in September. So you are definitely not alone. While I get some odd looks and responses for being young (I'm 23, she's 22), neither of us has had any hesitation about our commitment. From your story, however, there are a couple things you need to check off before making a commitment of this level.

1) Are you doing this for the right reasons? You should definitely think long and hard about whether you wish to get engaged simply because it's the "convenient" thing to do, or the "most logical next step." If she is the one you truly want to spend the rest of your life with then go ahead.

2) Are you absolutely sure that you're ready? Obviously no one can be 100% certain that they are ready but remember that she will be moving across the country for you. Basically leaving everything and everyone you know for a guy is huge. You mentioned that you have tried to break things off before...this will no longer be an option as she will no longer have her safety network of friends, family, familiar places, etc.

3) Finally, as long as both of you are extremely upfront about your feelings and expectations I see no reason you shouldn't go for it.

Congrats on finding "the one" and I hope everything works out.

P.S. Just remember not to sweat the small stuff and keep an eye on the bigger picture...Good luck!

 

[UAAWolf]

I have just been accepted into a medical school across the country from where I am currently living now and have been in a relationship with the girl I love for 7 months now. Her and I were planning to move in together on this coast for this year (it was getting so late in the application process I didn't think I'd get in). We have been long distance for several months now and she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to remain long distance when I go.

Additionally, she has made it perfectly clear that she wants to start a family within 5 years. We have tried breaking it off a couple of times to protect ourselves but both of us feel that we are meant to be together. We have been through thick and thin together (it may be a short time but in that time much that shows the character of both of us has occurred).

In short, what all this amasses to is that the only way to be fair to her and her to move across the country with me would be to give her something more permanent (what she wants). As a result, it's basically an all or nothing deal. I really have no problem getting engaged with her but I don't want to get married for another year or so (mostly due to wanting to wait to tell my family as we are kinda young).

My question is this: have any of you gotten engaged or know someone who has before medical school? How did it turn out? What are the most difficult aspects?

Serious responses only please no trolling.
Thanks 🙂

You've only known each other 7 months? No offense brah, but I've been in 3 2yr relationships....at the 7 month is all of those I thought "I knew"...LOL.

Disregard females, Acquire MD

 

[todds]

I have just been accepted into a medical school across the country from where I am currently living now and have been in a relationship with the girl I love for 7 months now. Her and I were planning to move in together on this coast for this year (it was getting so late in the application process I didn't think I'd get in). We have been long distance for several months now and she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to remain long distance when I go.

Additionally, she has made it perfectly clear that she wants to start a family within 5 years. We have tried breaking it off a couple of times to protect ourselves but both of us feel that we are meant to be together. We have been through thick and thin together (it may be a short time but in that time much that shows the character of both of us has occurred).

In short, what all this amasses to is that the only way to be fair to her and her to move across the country with me would be to give her something more permanent (what she wants). As a result, it's basically an all or nothing deal. I really have no problem getting engaged with her but I don't want to get married for another year or so (mostly due to wanting to wait to tell my family as we are kinda young).

My question is this: have any of you gotten engaged or know someone who has before medical school? How did it turn out? What are the most difficult aspects?

Serious responses only please no trolling.
Thanks 🙂

Well the very fact that she is willing to move with you across country is very telling...So she is quite serious about you too which is a good thing...I think thats half the battle..

Being able to see one another in person often and if you are living together, everyday, trumps all.

MANY of your fellow medical students will be engaged or married prior to coming into MS-I. As long as you make a priority to make time everyday for your significant other which is doable, you should be fine...Just tell them ahead of time what to expect with 3rd year clerkship and internship in residency..

It will require sacrifice from both (she is sacrificing by moving with you) and you may need to sacrifice by not studying all the time and just not worrying about exam grades all the time. If it turns out that you guys get married, you have to perhaps make a sacrifice in location of residency etc..but if its worth it, you will do that anyways. Good luck!

 

[natashana]

Read your post again from an outsider's point of view. Does your relationship sound mature enough to be talking about engagement? Does it sound like you are communicating with your SO? I understand she doesn't want to move without a ring, but unfortunately it sounds like she has a pre-planned view of what she wants her life to be and this is all more about that then wanting to make sure you are the correct partner to be her husband. There is a lot of pressure to get married at that age and in the midst of change that doesn't have anything to do with finding the right partner.

 

[DeepVeeToMD]

Read your post again from an outsider's point of view. Does your relationship sound mature enough to be talking about engagement? Does it sound like you are communicating with your SO? I understand she doesn't want to move without a ring, but unfortunately it sounds like she has a pre-planned view of what she wants her life to be and this is all more about that then wanting to make sure you are the correct partner to be her husband. There is a lot of pressure to get married at that age and in the midst of change that doesn't have anything to do with finding the right partner.

To be fair I have been overly simplistic to give the general gist of the situation. If I went in detail about all the points it would probably be more of a PDF than a forum post. Essentially I wanted to hear the stories of others which have been presented and are allowing me to make the right decision.

 

[surftheiop]

What do both of your parents think? obviously your parents aren't going to run your life, but having family on board makes these things infinitely easier.

 

[havo2202]

I can't offer any advice about whether you should or shouldn't get engaged before starting medical school. You should do what is right for both you and your girlfriend However, the fact that you admit to being in a relatively "young" relationship (both in terms of length and age) and you are seeking advice about a major life decision on the internet from people who know nothing of your situation makes me think you need to sit down and have a few more conversations with your girlfriend before making any decision.
What I can offer is my story. I married my wife just before starting med school and haven't regretted it once. She has been my main support as well as motivation for success and medical school wouldn't have been the same without her with me every step of the way. Having a spouse to come home to everyday (especially one not in a medical field) gives a great opportunity for keeping a stressed medical student grounded and sane. Currently, I am finishing up my 3rd year clerkships which contained a lot of long hours and time away from or unavailable to my wife, but prior to beginning 3rd year we had already talked at length about how things would be and there have been no problems all year. Looking forward, we plan on starting a family sometime in the near future and family interests are playing heavily in my decision making process for residency.
In the interest of full disclosure, I did a two year master's between undergrad and med school, so we were 2-3 years older than you probably are now and had been dating for 6 years, 2 of which were semi-long distance (during the master's). We had numerous conversations over the years about how things were going to be with me in school and her working, which made for a very smooth transition for both of us. Additionally, both of our families were on board with our decision to marry when we did and if I could offer one piece of advice, that would be it. Family support is invaluable for a new marriage even without the unique stressor of medical school thrown into the mix.
I hope my story can be helpful as you look to begin a new phase in your life. Marriage and medical school are both life changing experiences that require quite a bit of work and preparation but they are both very rewarding and don't have to be mutually exclusive. Congratulations on getting into medical school and good luck in the future.

 

[havo2202]

oops, accidentally posted twice.

 

[OpalOnyx]

sounds amazing havo, best of luck to you as you move forward in life! 🙂

 

[willen101383]

I got engaged the 2nd week of med school and am getting married this jan. Of course...weve been together for 5 years now....have been friends since we were 14...own a house together etc....oh and we are both 27.

As others have stated, 7 months is not enough time to get engaged. I understand the desire to give your girl a commitment....but its not the time right now. You will be moving/busting your ass for school. If she stays with you despite all the late nights,not cuddling etc..than maybe it will be time. But you cant say you have been through thick and thin together over the course of 7 months....

 

[DrLeon]

There never is a right time for marriage, only your time. If you guys can truly say you want to spend the rest of your lives together and mean it, then I support your decision. I got engaged a week ago to the love of my life and we have only been dating a little under a year and a half. Many people told me it was too soon, but when you know, you know. We met during our Masters program that we just finished up so we're a little older than you (I'm 25 she's 24). I do feel there is some truth to the age issue. When I was 22 and 23 I was a drastically different person than I am now. I had a lot to get out of my system and a lot of maturing to do in order to seek a wife (she had a lot more maturing to do to seek a husband). We have been kinda long distance for the majority of the relationship and we have used this time to do some serious talking and planning for the next 4 years. Because she already understands the time sacrifice we will have to make for med school she has already stated that she wants my studies to come before anything else and she will take whatever time is left. All I can say to you is this is no simple undertaking. You should be ready to marry her the day you giver her that ring and you must be confident that your bond can persevere through any hardship med school will throw at you.

 

[cpants]

The huge warning sign for me is that you are not willing to tell your family about the engagement. If you aren't willing to own the decision and be confident about it with your family, you just aren't ready.

 

[startswithb]

My cousin just called off his wedding (5 days before the date) because they got engaged after only 6 months and the infatuation period clouded their judgement.

 

[Envix]

I am getting married this summer, 9 days before my orientation starts, and we're both 22.
I agree with the sentiment that it is a warning sign if you don't feel able to tell your family, though. My mother has explicitly told me that she doesn't think we're mature enough to get married, but she supports my decision and recognizes that the only way for me to be happy is to be with her.
Essentially, the reason to get engaged should be because you couldn't imagine NOT spending the rest of your life with her, not because it's fair to do. And at that point, no impracticality will stop you anyways!

But, I'm 22, so I'm only pretending that I know what I'm talking about 😉

 

[sindadel]

The huge warning sign for me is that you are not willing to tell your family about the engagement. If you aren't willing to own the decision and be confident about it with your family, you just aren't ready.

This.

And if she were asking me if she should move, I would advise against it. Do long-distance for 6 months, or formally take a break from the relationship and re-evaluate. If you still want to be together _then_ make decisions about moving/engagement etc.

And FWIW, I got married at 21, so I'm not anti-young-people-getting-married. But we'd been dating for nearly 4 years and engaged for a year.

 

[Mean Muggin]

I told her to read Hot Lights Cold Steel but if anyone else knows of some other books that highlight the dynamic of being with a doctor.

Wow, you told her to read a book? What a guy!

lolzzzzzzzz

 

[runawayclock]

I have a more mundane question for people who got married in med school (especially the lady students): Did you change your last name? I'd imagine it's not much of a problem while IN med school, since you haven't gotten your degree yet, but what about the people who get married after getting their full license? Is it a pain in the ass to change it or is it a relatively simple process?

 

[Medicine4Bruhs]

While I don't think you should get married yet, you should definitely try to at least get her pregnant and have a couple of babies and see how that goes before you go all "mister and misses" on her. Even if it doesn't work out, I think its a reasonable middle ground for both of you.