Good first sentence in personal statement?

[PhysicianScientist]

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What do you think of this first sentence in a personal statement? Does it get your attention or does it sound stupid? It is supposed to be describing the scene of an accident.

Imagine a runway covered in crumpled pieces of metal, shattered glass, and blood. This is unfortunately what I saw when ..(..rest of PS)

Is this okay or does using the word "imagine" sound too commanding? This is probably a stupid question but I want to be safe.

 

[gyngyn]

Don't do it.

 

[IlyaR]

You shouldn't have to prompt the reader to imagine anything, rather the language should convey vivid imagery

 

[deleted393595]

What do you think of this first sentence in a personal statement? Does it get your attention or does it sound stupid? It is supposed to be describing the scene of an accident.

Imagine a runway covered in crumpled pieces of metal, shattered glass, and blood. This is unfortunately what I saw when ..(..rest of PS)

Is this okay or does using the word "imagine" sound too commanding? This is probably a stupid question but I want to be safe.

How about "I was one of the first to arrive at the scene of the accident. Metal, shattered glass and blood were strewn everywhere." ?

EDIT: Fixed grammar

 

[gyngyn]

How about "I was one of the first to arrive on the scene of the accident. Metal, shattered glass and blood were strewn everywhere." ?

Have you ever said the word "strewn" out loud?

 

[ndafife]

You're not a novelist. You are writing a personal statement, not a murder-mystery thriller. You don't need to be setting the scene for some dramatic story.

And either way remember, a good first sentence means nothing if the next hundred suck.

 

[deleted393595]

Have you ever said the word "strewn" out loud?

Sadly, yes.

 

[LizzyM]

The runway was covered in crumpled pieces of metal, shattered glass, and blood. I scanned the scene and I....

Leave out "unfortunately".

Can you see how this is stronger and just as evocative.... I'd want to read more.

 

[PhysicianScientist]

The runway was covered in crumpled pieces of metal, shattered glass, and blood. I scanned the scene and I....

Leave out "unfortunately".

Can you see how this is stronger and just as evocative.... I'd want to read more.

Yes I see it! It also avoids using the second person 'imagine'. Thanks for the great advice!

 

[gannicus89]

Begin in media res... Lizzy M's way works.

 

[The Real SVB]

This is what people mean when they say, "Show, don't tell."
Just say the damn thing you saw. Same thing for the rest of the PS

 

[The Real SVB]

crumpled pieces of metal, shattered glass, and blood

Christ is this a Final Destination movie or what

OP needs to deliver the rest of PS. The public demands it

 

[HighPriest]

Definitely go more noir. Use words like "dreary," "shadowed," and "dame." Lots of metaphors about your alcoholism and your ex wife.

 

[onceawolverine]

Does using the word "imagine" sound too commanding?

But srsly, I would revise your first sentence (and perhaps a few others, if the rest of your PS follows suit) to be a little more like ElCapone's, or LizzyM's suggestions.

 

[22031 Alum]

If you'd like, I would be happy to look over your PS for you. Copy and paste it into a PM ("Conversation"). Based on the threads you've started, you need a little criticism and guidance.

 

[CaliforniaDreamer]

"Kablam!" The sound of the burning jet fuel reverberated across my persona.

 

[deleted393595]

"Kablam!" The sound of the burning jet fuel reverberated across my persona.

"Kablam!" The sound of the exploding jet fuel was as fierce as my passion for medicine.

 

[CaliforniaDreamer]

"Kablam!" The sound of the exploding jet fuel was as fierce as my passion for medicine.

The burning napalm on my skin couldn't burn hotter than my desire to serve as a primary care physician in a rural area.

 

[Easonred57]

Have you ever said the word "strewn" out loud?

Yes, often. It's a southern thing... >.<

 

[vellez]

I've read a few PS this cycle. I notice that many people seem to like starting them out with a story. I don't like this...I feel like often the entire first paragraph could be taken off. Maybe that's just my style.

 

[IlyaR]

Boom! As I exploded out of my mother's uterus and scrubbed in for my twin's arrival I knew that I wanted to become a doctor

 

[gyngyn]

I've read a few PS this cycle. I notice that many people seem to like starting them out with a story. I don't like this...I feel like often the entire first paragraph could be taken off. Maybe that's just my style.

I must admit, the bloody accident opening scene has been done so often that I skip right to the next paragraph.
This has the effect of 1st paragraph deletion.

 

[HCHopeful]

"After staring at the crumpled metal, shattered glass, and still-wet blood for what seemed like hours, I changed. No longer was I the person who inhabited this body just ten minutes before. I was different; everything was different. As I scanned the area, I began to see truth for the first time. I was in the movie Die Hard, and my true identity was John McClane. Finally realizing my purpose, I quickly took off my shoes and walked across the broken shards of glass. All the while, in the back of my mind only one phrase rang true, 'Yippee Ki-Yay, Mother Fu*****!'"

 

[gyngyn]

Boom! As I exploded out of my mother's uterus and scrubbed in for my twin's arrival I knew that I wanted to become a doctor

I have seen some almost this wacky. Actually, wackier...

 

[hoihaie]

I have seen some almost this wacky. Actually, wackier...

Examples. please, please, pleaseeeeeee

 

[gyngyn]

Examples. please, please, pleaseeeeeee

I am tempted, but they are so bad and rare that they would be instantly recognizable to the author.

I can say that there are a few every year that bear a startling resemblance to the Unabomber manifesto.