Having trouble supporting partner and potential LDR

[phdandme]

I'm a PhD student and met my partner in his first year of residency. Three years later, we live together and he's looking for clinical jobs while I finish my degree. We are in our late 20s, very happy together, and serious about the future.

My partner has struggled to feel at home in medicine -- miserable throughout med school, switched out of his specialty because he hated it -- but has finally found a path he enjoys. His mentors have encouraged him to apply to an amazing, competitive two-year fellowship. However, it would require that he relocate to another state, and potentially to pretty undesirable places.

I really want to be excited for him... but, as his partner, I'm very anxious about being separated for so long. We've been LDR short-term during his rotations, and it has been hard for me to feel connected. It is also unlikely that I can follow him to this fellowship, given that I have my own training and academic job ambitions. He doesn't know when he'd apply for this fellowship, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but it feels like something that should be addressed up front.

When I've brought up reservations about his moving away in the past (e.g., for rotations), he has gotten very defensive and resentful. To be clear, I do not want to hold him back from doing what he wants, and my intention is not to guilt him. I just want to be transparent about how I feel and what these decisions mean for our relationship. For the record, he has made major, unsolicited compromises for me, including staying in our city when switching specialties and while looking for jobs. However, he's very pragmatic and can't make guarantees about the future.

Am I reasonable in my concerns? How can I have these conversations in productive ways? Basically, how can I support my partner in his goals if they aren't aligned with our relationship? Any advice would be helpful.

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[colbgw02]

I'm a PhD student and met my partner in his first year of residency. Three years later, we live together and he's looking for clinical jobs while I finish my degree. We are in our late 20s, very happy together, and serious about the future.

My partner has struggled to feel at home in medicine -- miserable throughout med school, switched out of his specialty because he hated it -- but has finally found a path he enjoys. His mentors have encouraged him to apply to an amazing, competitive two-year fellowship. However, it would require that he relocate to another state, and potentially to pretty undesirable places.

I really want to be excited for him... but, as his partner, I'm very anxious about being separated for so long. We've been LDR short-term during his rotations, and it has been hard for me to feel connected. It is also unlikely that I can follow him to this fellowship, given that I have my own training and academic job ambitions. He doesn't know when he'd apply for this fellowship, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but it feels like something that should be addressed up front.

When I've brought up reservations about his moving away in the past (e.g., for rotations), he has gotten very defensive and resentful. To be clear, I do not want to hold him back from doing what he wants, and my intention is not to guilt him. I just want to be transparent about how I feel and what these decisions mean for our relationship. For the record, he has made major, unsolicited compromises for me, including staying in our city when switching specialties and while looking for jobs. However, he's very pragmatic and can't make guarantees about the future.

Am I reasonable in my concerns? How can I have these conversations in productive ways? Basically, how can I support my partner in his goals if they aren't aligned with our relationship? Any advice would be helpful.

It sounds like you have a reasonable, sensible outlook. Is there something keeping you from having this conversation with your partner?

Regarding the bold, this is written as if his goals and your relationship are distinct, when it's much more like a Venn diagram. If the two don't overlap, then that needs to be reconciled. Lay out what's important to you and learn what's most important to him. Start with common goals and find areas where you're potentially willing to sacrifice.

My spouse, who is also a professional, sacrified her career for mine early in our relationship. I'll admit that later, when I had flexibility in my career, I felt like I owed her and made choices accordingly. You mentioned that he made compromises for you, so is it possible that he feels like it's time you do the same for him?

For what it's worth, being away for a rotation and moving away for at least two years are totally different animals in my book. Assuming you approach him thoughtfully, he cannot reasonably become resentful and defensive about discussing this.

TL;DR: talk to him.

 

[togaedere]

I think the fact that he gets defensive and resentful when discussing him potentially moving says boat loads about what he feels about his career prospects and wanting to go after them. From what you say here it seems like he’s really ready to pursue opportunities that he enjoys as its already been a struggle. I think the best thing for both of you is to encourage him to pursue whatever opportunities arise for him despite what it may mean for the relationship.

Long distance relationships are hard but not impossible, and two years is not an insurmountable amount of time to be away. My fear is that if you put pressure on him to prioritize the relationship over pursuing his own career opportunities his resentment will only grow — and result in either an eventual breakup or clearly dissatisfying relationship of endurance even though you two are in the same city.

If he does pursue the fellowship opportunity and you do end up in a long distance relationship, you may end up breaking up because of the distance and career strains. Or he could end up feeling so supported by the move that you two grow closer than ever despite the distance. It’s very hard to say at this point, plus you don’t even know if he will get into the fellowship as he hasn’t even applied. The best thing in my estimation is to, as hard as this is, support him through whatever he feels he wants to pursue and be there for him no matter the outcome.

You’ve already mentioned it’s been difficult to find his niche in medicine — I think it’s important to realize what a game changer for a person being in the right environment is. A way to have this conversation is to reframe the discussion to prioritize the other person first — that is, with the understanding that it’s going to be upsetting and hard to manage a long distance relationship, it will be much harder in the long run to be with someone who feels like they had missed opportunities. Your feelings on the distance should take a backburner to how he feels about the opportunities he has presented to him. You can acknowledge the feelings, but also say that you’re not going to let them get in the way of him pursuing what is best for him. Especially because what you fear (strain from the distance, etc) may not even be realized.

I'm a PhD student and met my partner in his first year of residency. Three years later, we live together and he's looking for clinical jobs while I finish my degree. We are in our late 20s, very happy together, and serious about the future.

My partner has struggled to feel at home in medicine -- miserable throughout med school, switched out of his specialty because he hated it -- but has finally found a path he enjoys. His mentors have encouraged him to apply to an amazing, competitive two-year fellowship. However, it would require that he relocate to another state, and potentially to pretty undesirable places.

I really want to be excited for him... but, as his partner, I'm very anxious about being separated for so long. We've been LDR short-term during his rotations, and it has been hard for me to feel connected. It is also unlikely that I can follow him to this fellowship, given that I have my own training and academic job ambitions. He doesn't know when he'd apply for this fellowship, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but it feels like something that should be addressed up front.

When I've brought up reservations about his moving away in the past (e.g., for rotations), he has gotten very defensive and resentful. To be clear, I do not want to hold him back from doing what he wants, and my intention is not to guilt him. I just want to be transparent about how I feel and what these decisions mean for our relationship. For the record, he has made major, unsolicited compromises for me, including staying in our city when switching specialties and while looking for jobs. However, he's very pragmatic and can't make guarantees about the future.

Am I reasonable in my concerns? How can I have these conversations in productive ways? Basically, how can I support my partner in his goals if they aren't aligned with our relationship? Any advice would be helpful.

 

[phdandme]

Is there something keeping you from having this conversation with your partner? Regarding the bold, this is written as if his goals and your relationship are distinct, when it's much more like a Venn diagram. If the two don't overlap, then that needs to be reconciled. Lay out what's important to you and learn what's most important to him. Start with common goals and find areas where you're potentially willing to sacrifice.

We've had tense discussions about these topics in the past, so I just want to make sure I am approaching this situation carefully. Prefacing the conversation like this would be useful.

You mentioned that he made compromises for you, so is it possible that he feels like it's time you do the same for him?

That's a great point. I should also mention that he has never tried to hold me back from my goals. However, I'd be willing to adapt (e.g., applying for short-term travel grants instead of an extended visiting scholarship) in service of our relationship.

My fear is that if you put pressure on him to prioritize the relationship over pursuing his own career opportunities his resentment will only grow — and result in either an eventual breakup or clearly dissatisfying relationship of endurance even though you two are in the same city.

This is exactly my fear, and his, too.

The best thing in my estimation is to, as hard as this is, support him through whatever he feels he wants to pursue and be there for him no matter the outcome... Your feelings on the distance should take a backburner to how he feels about the opportunities he has presented to him.

I'm afraid this is the only true way forward, short of breaking up preemptively. Unfortunately, the outcome that would make him happy would require my own unhappiness.

Thank you both for your helpful insight!

 

[shopsteward]

I think you could start by thinking through why you had reservations about your partner moving away for rotations? A temporary move such as that seems to me to be an odd thing for you to have had reservations about; a potential two year separation is rather different. As those shorter separations seem to have worked out OK for you both in the end, so perhaps you can work out what your concerns were, how they were or were not realised and what coping measures were appropriate and worked for you both. If you can then discuss all that with your partner, so that you are both clear on how and why the shorter separations worked, you will then be in a better position to consider together how to deal with the geographic needs of your careers going forward. I would caution against trying to go straight into discussing the bigger issue of a potential two year separation without having cleared the air on the earlier cause of defensiveness and resentment.

Your partner may have to move to get the clinical job he wants, either as a first or second job, so this discussion about geography is unlikely to be one which is only tied to this one possible fellowship and this one possible application.

 

[BGDino]

I’ve been in a similar yet different boat to you, OP. Hubby and I are both Aussie docs, his training required 6 monthly rotations in regional Australia, while I had to stay in the city for mine. I suppose the biggest differences between our situation and yours are that he had no choice and it was temporary short term. But I completely understand where you’re coming from in regards to the unhappiness. There were nights where my husband would watch me cry my eyes out over FaceTime because I was so unhappy about the enforced separation and there was very little he could do to make it any better. When I look back on that I don’t know how we got through it. I think it’s important that your partner understands how unhappy you were while he was away and the two of you make plans for dealing with that. For us it was very long FaceTime calls where we would just be “there” studying/eating/doing laundry or whatever not necessarily with conversation, just as if we were at home together. And allocating all spare money to plane tickets for regular visits. Whatever you decide, there’s never a clear cut right or wrong choice, only what works for you both.