help me

[fsummer]

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SO i am stuck in a very strange situation...

I just graduated med school. still looking to match into residency. hopefully this year, fingers crossed. im drowning in a HUGE amount of medical school debt, as most of us usually are. ( 6 figures to be precise)

My fiance ( almost), who is not in the medical field, but is making a 6-figure salary himself, in texas, is a having a huge problem with my debt. He believes that it should be paid off BEFORE we get married. He knows that my loan will not become his responsibility, but says that if we were to go and buy a house or car etc, that my credit/debt would be looked at and would hurt matters. That, even if we were to buy it on his name ONLY, my credit/debt would still be looked at and affect us negatively. How true is this?
Also:
1. how am i supposed to pay it off such a huge amount of debt before residency? ( He knows I am applying and trying to get residency and after residency will have no problem paying it off)
2. My debt will not affect him and his finances as far as i am concerned and from the research i have done, correct?
3. Fortunately, if worse case scenario hits, I have family who have savings and will have no problem helping me pay it off later, if I ever need the help. They are my back-up, in a worse case scenario. BUT he insists I have my family pay it off NOW before we get married, or else we dont get married...does that even make sense? What kind of demand is that?
4. I kinda feel he wants the loan/debt to be gone so that when i do start making a decent living, it will go towards our common bank account, which would benefit him too. Meaning I kinda feel hes all about the money, rather than marrying me for me..? Doesnt it kinda sound like that too?

 

[EM_Rebuilder]

I think my first question is why are you graduated and not have a residency position? I assume there is some sort of red mark that kept you from matching?

Will the debt affect a possible spouse? Absolutely! Maybe he would legally not be responsible for it, but still the money you make has to go to that debt and not to your joint purpose of 'living happly ever after'...

I would normally say I would be really concerened about a possible marriage where a party is geuninely concerned about medical school debt as 99.9% of medical students will have little issue paying it off. However, given it sounds like you did not match, we have to think there is a real possiblity you end up never matching and thus never having a license to practice medicine....if that ends up being the case, a six figure debt is going to be a sincere life challenging burden. Kudos if you have family that will 'just pay it off for you'... I would be willing to bet that wont happen if it comes down to it, but I sincerely hope you are fortunate enough for them to come through.

So... I think the fiance has a legitimate concern about your debt. If I was a low income earner, and I had a fiance that was unable to match and had a six figure+ debt, I would be extremely apprehensive about the relationship.. love or not. Such a debt IS going to affect him GREATLY; that is something a lower income earner could spend 30 years paying off.... That would be a HUGE burden on having kids, a home, savings, security, etc....

 

[rhiannon777]

Ugh...I wrote you this big long reply and then it deleted when I tried to post it. Anyway, here goes a somewhat shorter version of what I said before...

Banks only look at both spouses' credit if you need both incomes to qualify for the loan. So if he's buying a car, his six-figure salary should qualify him for a $25k loan for a new car. The bank will only need to look at his income, debit, and credit. If the two of you decide to buy a half-million dollar house, you would probably need both incomes to qualify and the bank would look at your credit as well. However, many if not most banks have special considerations for residents and doctors because they know your debt-to-income ratio doesn't accurately reflect your future earning potential and ability to pay off a loan over time. My husband doesn't make anywhere near six figures, and we had no problem qualifying for a $250k home loan with great terms as soon as I started residency.

Certainly I can't judge your entire relationship based on one internet posting, but I am suspicious of your fiance's motives. Loving partners generally don't issue ultimatums, especially not of the bribe-me-to-marry-you variety. It's extra-sketchy that he wants your FAMILY to pay back this loan. I also wonder if he has some huge debts that he's hiding. If you do decide to marry him, seriously consider getting a prenup. You can propose it as a way to set his mind at ease about your debt, but it will protect you just as much.

 

[fsummer]

I think my first question is why are you graduated and not have a residency position? I assume there is some sort of red mark that kept you from matching?

Yes there is a slight red mark on my application in terms of scores that kept me from matching last year, but i have made improvements and worked hard to bettering my application, along with applying widely etc, etc, which will hopefully get me in this year.

Will the debt affect a possible spouse? Absolutely! Maybe he would legally not be responsible for it, but still the money you make has to go to that debt and not to your joint purpose of 'living happly ever after'...

It almost sounds like, a medical school graduate should not get married until completely clearing off medical school debt. I mean of course a part of my income would go to the med school debt, but the rest would go to our joint purpose of living. But isnt that how its normally done with every other medical school graduate out there? I mean some of these med school debts can take 30+ years to be paid off, does that mean they just never get married? does that mean that all of their income will always go only towards the debt? i dont think so...

I would normally say I would be really concerened about a possible marriage where a party is geuninely concerned about medical school debt as 99.9% of medical students will have little issue paying it off. However, given it sounds like you did not match, we have to think there is a real possiblity you end up never matching and thus never having a license to practice medicine....if that ends up being the case, a six figure debt is going to be a sincere life challenging burden. Kudos if you have family that will 'just pay it off for you'... I would be willing to bet that wont happen if it comes down to it, but I sincerely hope you are fortunate enough for them to come through.

Fortunately my family is there as my back up. I know that alot of ppl are not this fortunate. Of course, morally/ethically I would never think of going to them unless I was in a very "worse case" situation, where I was repeatedly not matching into residency and needed to get the loan out of the way, basically a desperate situation. But they are just my back up. My fiance on the other hand, wants them to pay it off now, without even waiting for me to get into residency and pay it off myself. He doesnt believe that they will come around to paying it off later, if needed. ( I guess I can understand his point of view in this case)

So... I think the fiance has a legitimate concern about your debt. If I was a low income earner, and I had a fiance that was unable to match and had a six figure+ debt, I would be extremely apprehensive about the relationship.. love or not. Such a debt IS going to affect him GREATLY; that is something a lower income earner could spend 30 years paying off.... That would be a HUGE burden on having kids, a home, savings, security, etc....

[/QUOTE]

I think what boggles my mind the most is that my fiance himself is making a 6-figure salary with great potential to increase his salary in the very near future. So he doesnt fall under "low income earner". He lives in texas where things are basically cheaper than other parts of the country. Hes got a new house, on which the mortgage is quite low, a couple car payments and the usual utilities. Thats it. So why is my med school debt, where part of income will go to the debt and the rest to our joint purpose of living, such a huge issue for such a high income earner?

On top of all this, I am not the first med school graduate, with a med school loan debt, who is taking a slight bit longer to match into residency, wanting to get married. I mean Im sure there are many out there in the same predicament as myself? how do u all deal with it? I mean do u just never get married? I dont get it.

 

[fsummer]

and we had no problem qualifying for a $250k home loan with great terms as soon as I started residency.

I guess I just need to get into residency before getting married...

Certainly I can't judge your entire relationship based on one internet posting, but I am suspicious of your fiance's motives. Loving partners generally don't issue ultimatums, especially not of the bribe-me-to-marry-you variety. It's extra-sketchy that he wants your FAMILY to pay back this loan. I also wonder if he has some huge debts that he's hiding. If you do decide to marry him, seriously consider getting a prenup. You can propose it as a way to set his mind at ease about your debt, but it will protect you just as much.

I agree. My debt has been bothering him for quite some time now, but eventually he gave me an ultimatum which really shocked me. And yes I completely agree, its very sketchy to me that he would almost demand that my family pay off this debt or else we can not move forward and get married...I mean I understand that he is worried that if I NEVER get into residency, this will become his responsibility. But legally it will never be his responsibility. And like i mentioned before, worse case scenario if I NEVER get into residency, I would look for jobs in other medically related fields, such as pharmaceuticals or research or whatever and have my family help me out as well. The point is that he himself is "high income earner", why is my measly med school loan debt such an issue for him?

 

[O2Doc]

My debt has been bothering him for quite some time now, but eventually he gave me an ultimatum which really shocked me. And yes I completely agree, its very sketchy to me that he would almost demand that my family pay off this debt or else we can not move forward and get married...I mean I understand that he is worried that if I NEVER get into residency, this will become his responsibility. But legally it will never be his responsibility. And like i mentioned before, worse case scenario if I NEVER get into residency, I would look for jobs in other medically related fields, such as pharmaceuticals or research or whatever and have my family help me out as well. The point is that he himself is "high income earner", why is my measly med school loan debt such an issue for him?

I wouldn't call it "measly", but I don't see how any med school grad (even in residency) could be expected to pay off all their loans before starting to practice. I mean yes, you have your parents; most people don't have family who would be able/willing to just hand over 6 figures on the spot like that.

This ultimatum makes no sense to me. I could understand wanting to delay marriage until you get into residency, honestly. But requiring you to pay off your entire school loans immediately is unreasonable.

 

[fsummer]

I wouldn't call it "measly", but I don't see how any med school grad (even in residency) could be expected to pay off all their loans before starting to practice. I mean yes, you have your parents; most people don't have family who would be able/willing to just hand over 6 figures on the spot like that.

This ultimatum makes no sense to me. I could understand wanting to delay marriage until you get into residency, honestly. But requiring you to pay off your entire school loans immediately is unreasonable.

yes you're right its not quite "measly". But for most med students its quite the norm. and he is quite familiar with what med students and graduates accumulate in terms of loans, bc hes got doctors in his own immediate family. Anyway the ultimatum is what totally threw me off. I agree, if he were suggesting we wait to get married til after I get residency, that would've been a heck of a better and more understandable suggestion. But giving me an ultimatum and almost taking advantage of the fact that my family can somehow help me out with the loan if needed, is just shallow and ridiculous.

I guess its red flags like this i should've seen earlier.

 

[pem8erly]

Sounds like your fiance may be thinking that in some way he'll be paying towards your medical school debt. Which to be honest is not unreasonable as once you're married anything either of you do financially affects the other person. There's a whole other thread about whether a spouse is legally responsible for the other's debt that was incurred prior to marriage but my personal feelings is that as long as my spouse knew about the debt beforehand and knows that paying down that debt is part of life together then we don't have an issue. Once you're in residency, completed and licensed, your income will contribute to the lifestyle of both you and your spouse so I do feel it is unreasonable to ask that you pay off your loans prior to marriage.

 

[Tenesma]

he is probably intimidated by the huge chunk of debt that is coming with marrying you... but it is an investment into your future earnings.

he is not legally responsible for your debt, even if you are married - as the creditors won't go after him, only after you.

and applications for mortgages/car-loans, etc won't be affected by your debt as long as you are not a co-applicant for the mortgages... (you can still share the title w/ him though)

i think he is making a very big fuss about this - and it could be out of
1) fear/ignorance

OR
2) he is all about the money - remember that most divorces occur because of financial stressors, so if he is stressed w/ this prior to marriage, not a good omen for later on.

 

[The White Coat Investor]

Two issues here:

1) You have a ton of debt and no job. I'd be worried if I were him too. Also, many women, particularly those that put off family through their whole 20s often want to go part time or stay at home to enable them to have the experience of being a mom. It's REALLY tough to service a big debt if you're not working full time. Perhaps another concern.
2) I'm not sure you want to be married to someone that would give such a silly ultimatum. Nobody pays off debt prior to residency. If you wait until your debt is gone you'll probably be 35 or 40 before you get married...a bit late for a family. Are you sure this is the one? Especially when he suggests your family pay off the debt before getting married? Like a dowry or something? What culture are you guys from?

Sounds like red flags abound on both of you to me!

 

[TexasPhysician]

If medical students couldn't get married while in debt, few physicians would get married before 35-40.

 

[touchadream]

SO i am stuck in a very strange situation...

I just graduated med school. still looking to match into residency. hopefully this year, fingers crossed. im drowning in a HUGE amount of medical school debt, as most of us usually are. ( 6 figures to be precise)

My fiance ( almost), who is not in the medical field, but is making a 6-figure salary himself, in texas, is a having a huge problem with my debt. He believes that it should be paid off BEFORE we get married. He knows that my loan will not become his responsibility, but says that if we were to go and buy a house or car etc, that my credit/debt would be looked at and would hurt matters. That, even if we were to buy it on his name ONLY, my credit/debt would still be looked at and affect us negatively. How true is this?
Also:
1. how am i supposed to pay it off such a huge amount of debt before residency? ( He knows I am applying and trying to get residency and after residency will have no problem paying it off)
2. My debt will not affect him and his finances as far as i am concerned and from the research i have done, correct?
3. Fortunately, if worse case scenario hits, I have family who have savings and will have no problem helping me pay it off later, if I ever need the help. They are my back-up, in a worse case scenario. BUT he insists I have my family pay it off NOW before we get married, or else we dont get married...does that even make sense? What kind of demand is that?
4. I kinda feel he wants the loan/debt to be gone so that when i do start making a decent living, it will go towards our common bank account, which would benefit him too. Meaning I kinda feel hes all about the money, rather than marrying me for me..? Doesnt it kinda sound like that too?

They won't look at your debt if you are not on the loan he takes out, but that's not much of a marriage. Just my opinion.
1. You are not. I married my husband when I was debt free, made a lot more than he did (he was a resident, then fellow), then our money paid our debts.
2. Everything about you will affect him when you are married. Its a package deal. Ditto on your side. For richer, for poorer.
3. Creepy.
4. If he seriously thinks that you are not worth the dollar cost of your medical school education, do you seriously want to marry him? You clearly have a strong sense of independence, integrity, intelligence and drive enough to get into and through med school, and confidence to deal with imperfect current situation. Sounds to me like you have a correct but not overinflated self assessment. Sounds to me like he wants to tweak a few things about you before you are quite right for his inflated view of self. Does HE have a guaranteed income for life (disability insurance that will support the two of you if he can't work tomorrow due to a car accident once you marry him?) Does HE have proof that he won't become as big a financial liability through unforeseen circumstances as you are now? If you are convinced you are in love with this guy, please, please, hammer out a prenuptial agreement with him to see what he is really made of, AND most especially to make sure he doesn't get any of your hopefully wonderful future earnings as alimony. Hope I'm wrong, but think you need to trust your gut and you put it out there...