Help with personal statement

[Kend]

Hello everyone!
I was wondering can someone please help me revise my personal statement? I'm not good at this, I did ask multiple English teachers help me revise my paper, but I'm not sure my content is good enough.

P/S: I want to thank you in advance for helping me out! I appreciate your precious time!
Ken

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[Danielqta]

What does your paper consist of?

 

[Kend]

Thank you for reply!
Here is the content that i included in my paper:
How living in America shaped i and my family life.
Hardships that i and my family went through.
How I became serious and diligent about my studies.
The last paragraph I concluded how dentistry is the right choice for me.

ken