How do you deal with parents who put pressure on you?

[Alakazam123]

Ever since I decided to take a 2nd gap year, my father will not shirk at an opportunity to bring that up and rub it in by face.

I have explained to him countless times that becoming a doctor is a long process, and that taking gap years is not at all uncommon. However, whenever I so much as mention the fact that being rejected from Medical Schools is a possibility, he goes into a tirade about how I'll end up taking a THIRD year, and I'll be applying forever.

To put salt in the wounds almost, he then starts talking about how other peers of mine have completed their undergrad and matriculated into medical school immediately without ANY gap years, and said that I really need to start thinking about my "weaknesses."

I'm frankly getting sick of my dad and just wish he'd shut the hell up, and stop ranting about something he has no clue about. He did not study in this country, he is not a doctor, and he makes NO EFFORT to try to find out ANYTHING about the medical career on his own.

When he doesn't understand something, he asks me for an explanation, and when I explain it to him, he gets upset about other stuff.

He is so unaware, that he literally thought that medical school and residency could be done in about 3 years COMBINED!!! When I told him that most doctors do a fellowship, he started flipping out about how much longer that'd take.

I've had it with his stupid attitude? It's spoiled my mood for the whole week. How do you deal with parents like this?

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[candbgirl]

Are you working and earning enough to support yourself? Do you live at home? If yes to both , move out. Visit occasionally throughout the week. Lead your own life.

 

[DokterMom]

"I understand your concerns Father, but if we are to have an intelligent discussion on the topic of medical school, I have to insist that you actually learn about the process. Here is a web site/article that explains the process. After you've read it, then - and only then - will I be willing to discuss it with you. Until then, the topic is closed."

Then leave the room.

 

[Angus Avagadro]

Can you elaborate on why you are taking gap years? That might provide some insight as to your parents frustration and allow us to provide more meaningful advice.

 

[NYCVillain]

what I do with my parents all the time is I always lower their expectations so they expect very minimal out of me

 

[FroYoOreo]

Is your dad close to retiring? Maybe he is just worried about the financial aspect of the family.

 

[Alakazam123]

Can you elaborate on why you are taking gap years? That might provide some insight as to your parents frustration and allow us to provide more meaningful advice.

My academic performance and extra-curriculars are not where I thought they'd be. However, I've been over this with him several times in the past and explained to him how I'll improve. He just never gets off my case, and always paints a doomsday scenario acting like I'll be taking gap years for the rest of my life.

It's frankly very discouraging when he rubs it in my face...idk. I get it that parents are worried, but he really takes it too far.

 

[LizzyM]

My academic performance and extra-curriculars are not where I thought they'd be. However, I've been over this with him several times in the past and explained to him how I'll improve. He just never gets off my case, and always paints a doomsday scenario acting like I'll be taking gap years for the rest of my life.

It's frankly very discouraging when he rubs it in my face...idk. I get it that parents are worried, but he really takes it too far.

Tell him you've decided not to apply to med school and that you've decided to become an actor, with a career as a poet as a back up plan. 😵 After you've gauged his reaction to that announcement, tell him that you might reconsider applying to med school in 2019. 😀

 

[Angus Avagadro]

As a parent, I can comfortably say the great majority of parents want to see their children achieve their goals. Apparently you are not on pace to achieve your goals, at least in your father's eyes. To comfort him, lay out where you are in your timetable, the positive results you have achieved, the positive results you expect to earn, and when you plan on applying. Have you taken the Mcat? This should relieve some of his anxiety. If you cant do this, then you are way behind schedule and his frustration is understandable. Keep us posted when you are accepted. Good luck and best wishes!

 

[deleted938090]

Your father is probably venting his frustrations on you. I think his line of reasoning is "When can I get my son out of my house and working?" and he may be just saying those things to provoke you to do something. He may not understand that you are working towards your goal; you'd have to explain that to him.

 

[Alakazam123]

As a parent, I can comfortably say the great majority of parents want to see their children achieve their goals. Apparently you are not on pace to achieve your goals, at least in your father's eyes. To comfort him, lay out where you are in your timetable, the positive results you have achieved, the positive results you expect to earn, and when you plan on applying. Have you taken the Mcat? This should relieve some of his anxiety. If you cant do this, then you are way behind schedule and his frustration is understandable. Keep us posted when you are accepted. Good luck and best wishes!

I am currently doing a Master's program. Thank you for the good wishes though.

I did not do well on my MCAT unfortunately. Like I said before, I understand that a parent would be concerned for their child. However, this is perhaps the 15th or 20th conversation I'm having with him regarding this matter and I am losing my patience. I've told him over and over again, that I can improve, and he keeps rubbing my failures in my face in return.

I'm not trying to discredit all parents or trying to say that they all don't know what they are talking about. However, it is emotionally difficult to deal with this when I too am not feeling too great about myself. That I have to just sit there and endure his tirades because I'm his son, is not something I agree with...

 

[Alakazam123]

Your father is probably venting his frustrations on you. I think his line of reasoning is "When can I get my son out of my house and working?" and he may be just saying those things to provoke you to do something. He may not understand that you are working towards your goal; you'd have to explain that to him.

I'm doing a master's program. I'm not just sitting at home and watching TV. I literally feel like crying with the way his tirades go on this matter. It's getting to be too much. The comparisons to other students, the exaggerations on how I'll be applying for the rest of my life, etc. It's just getting to be too much.

 

[Tenk]

Tell them you’re going to put them in a nursing home when they get older and never visit if they don’t lay off.

 

[deleted938090]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. It seems that you have done your share of explaining to him and he is not very receptive to what you say. Don't let this bring you down; I think this scene has a very good message:


If you're able to develop tolerance to things like this, you will become a stronger person if you're able to "use it like armor". The best way to deal with verbal assault is not let it affect you. Continue doing what you've set out to do, don't let what already happened from holding you back.

 

[Bubblepop]

I just want to say I sympathize. My parents are mildly against me going into medicine and strongly against gap years, so the "backlash" I receive is quite something. Especially when my younger sibling is making a 6-figure salary right out of college.

You haven't clearly stated this, but based on your responses I am going to assume you live with your parents. This throws a wrench into your options for handling this, but you can do it! First, remind yourself that you are indeed working towards YOUR goals. Not your dad's, but your own. Next, put your dad on an information diet. Do you like going on diets? Well neither will your dad, but it's a necessary process. This means stop trying to explain everything about what you are doing/need to do because it's obvious that he is not truly listening. Whenever you try to "argue" with real explanations about medicine, that opens the door for your dad's unhelpful-but-well-meaning criticisms. Instead, refer to @DokterMom 's beautiful response. And then EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. your dad confronts you, repeat that exact response. Do not stop until your dad's reaction changes.

And if you can for the sake of your sanity, consider moving out. I recognize that this involves a financial burden, but you may find that the material cost of rent is worth paying in return for your mental health. Best wishes to you!

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Your father doesn’t feel like his concerns are being heard. That’s why he keeps ragging on you.

This is a bit long, but bear with me. I’ve used this method myself and it works. It made my marriage a million times better. There is a great book my therapist recommended and that I learned a trick from. The book is called “feeling good together” by david burns (the guy who pioneered cognitive behavioral therapy). The trick is to deescalate the conflict and acknowledge your role in it.

With all due respect to the above posters, I strongly disagree with the responses that talk about stubbornly repeating the same mantra “educate yourself”—it is aggressive and standoffish, and will do nothing to assuage your father’s worries, and will only make him resentful. You may feel like he’s the only problem —but you can’t change him. The only response you can modify is yours. It did wonders for my own conflict resolution. And truly, any conflict requires two people. Both of you are “at fault” for perpetuating it.

So how to fix it...IN THIS ORDER...

1. Acknowledge a truth in what he is saying, even if it seems ridiculous. “Dad, you’re right—I have been taking a long time to pursue a goal that others appear to have achieved easily.”

2. Show empathy by trying to understand where he is coming from. “I understand how frustrating it must be for you, because it seems like you keep telling me the same thing over and over. It must seem to you like I am not listening because I am pursuing the same path of taking gap years.”

3. Show emotion —people respond to feelings, not thoughts. Say how this behavior makes you FEEL. This MUST be truthful emotion—say how you really feel, and do not overemphasize or lie. “When you compare me to other people who have taken different and shorter paths, it makes me feel like you are not proud of me. It makes me angry and hurt because it feels like you don’t trust me to pursue the right path for myself.”

4. Ask for accuracy. “Does this sound about right?”

5. And then let them talk. Chances are, your first statement will deescalate any anger and your father, assuming he cares about your success (and he wouldn’t rag on you so much unless he did), will open up about the things bothering him. It shows receptiveness, which, without knowing him or you but from your words alone, is what he is missing from you. Once you engage in dialogue, you can introduce the idea of him learning a bit more about the process of med school, and why other people are different from you in their path.



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[Alakazam123]

Your father doesn’t feel like his concerns are being heard. That’s why he keeps ragging on you.

This is a bit long, but bear with me. I’ve used this method myself and it works. It made my marriage a million times better. There is a great book my therapist recommended and that I learned a trick from. The book is called “feeling good together” by david burns (the guy who pioneered cognitive behavioral therapy). The trick is to deescalate the conflict and acknowledge your role in it.

With all due respect to the above posters, I strongly disagree with the responses that talk about stubbornly repeating the same mantra “educate yourself”—it is aggressive and standoffish, and will do nothing to assuage your father’s worries, and will only make him resentful. You may feel like he’s the only problem —but you can’t change him. The only response you can modify is yours. It did wonders for my own conflict resolution. And truly, any conflict requires two people. Both of you are “at fault” for perpetuating it.

So how to fix it...IN THIS ORDER...

1. Acknowledge a truth in what he is saying, even if it seems ridiculous. “Dad, you’re right—I have been taking a long time to pursue a goal that others appear to have achieved easily.”

2. Show empathy by trying to understand where he is coming from. “I understand how frustrating it must be for you, because it seems like you keep telling me the same thing over and over. It must seem to you like I am not listening because I am pursuing the same path of taking gap years.”

3. Show emotion —people respond to feelings, not thoughts. Say how this behavior makes you FEEL. This MUST be truthful emotion—say how you really feel, and do not overemphasize or lie. “When you compare me to other people who have taken different and shorter paths, it makes me feel like you are not proud of me. It makes me angry and hurt because it feels like you don’t trust me to pursue the right path for myself.”

4. Ask for accuracy. “Does this sound about right?”

5. And then let them talk. Chances are, your first statement will deescalate any anger and your father, assuming he cares about your success (and he wouldn’t rag on you so much unless he did), will open up about the things bothering him. It shows receptiveness, which, without knowing him or you but from your words alone, is what he is missing from you. Once you engage in dialogue, you can introduce the idea of him learning a bit more about the process of med school, and why other people are different from you in their path.



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Hello sir, thank you for all your advice. I'll address the points one by one:

1. I did this each and every time in the 15 conversations we had, and I also let him know over and over again that the path to becoming a doctor is one of delayed gratification. I pointed to many instances of people who've succeeded after taking gap years and do my best to reassure him that I too can be successful.

2. This kind of builds off of one, and I said that I understand that I am taking a long time, but I explain each and every one of the factors that contribute over and over again.

3. I did, several times, explain how I feel. However, when he speaks I feel like I'm talking to the CEO of a company and not a father. There were good times in our relationship, don't get me wrong. However, I feel he's very robotic when dealing with me. He shows little to no interest in my pursuits in research, etc. When I bring up something cool that I read about, he is "suspicious" of me for "losing focus on medicine."

4. I've asked for accuracy countless times. I've conversed about 20 times with him on this matter.

5. I've let him talk, and he often starts off with a comparison, a long list of complaints, coupled with talking about how much I've struggled with other things in my life.

I've just gotten sick of his shenanigans and just wish I could make a billion dollars and never have to see him again.

 

[ciestar]

Well.. i moved out when I was 18 for college, never lived at home again and conveniently hit the “ignore” button when they call or ignore a text if I don’t feel like dealing with it. Granted, my parents never really acted as your dad did, but they were burdensome in other ways... so the above still worked for me.

 

[MyOdyssey]

I am currently doing a Master's program. Thank you for the good wishes though.

I did not do well on my MCAT unfortunately. Like I said before, I understand that a parent would be concerned for their child. However, this is perhaps the 15th or 20th conversation I'm having with him regarding this matter and I am losing my patience. I've told him over and over again, that I can improve, and he keeps rubbing my failures in my face in return.

I'm not trying to discredit all parents or trying to say that they all don't know what they are talking about. However, it is emotionally difficult to deal with this when I too am not feeling too great about myself. That I have to just sit there and endure his tirades because I'm his son, is not something I agree with...

Is your masters program linked to one or more medical schools?

 

[dr_kateb]

what I do with my parents all the time is I always lower their expectations so they expect very minimal out of me

I did that throughout middle/high school lmao. I was also a delinquent in middle school where I racked up a about dozen suspensions in both 6th and 7th grade so whenever I got a detention my parents didn’t care at all. Doesn’t exactly work now in college and beyond where grades matter a lot more.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Hello sir, thank you for all your advice. I'll address the points one by one:

1. I did this each and every time in the 15 conversations we had, and I also let him know over and over again that the path to becoming a doctor is one of delayed gratification. I pointed to many instances of people who've succeeded after taking gap years and do my best to reassure him that I too can be successful.

2. This kind of builds off of one, and I said that I understand that I am taking a long time, but I explain each and every one of the factors that contribute over and over again.

3. I did, several times, explain how I feel. However, when he speaks I feel like I'm talking to the CEO of a company and not a father. There were good times in our relationship, don't get me wrong. However, I feel he's very robotic when dealing with me. He shows little to no interest in my pursuits in research, etc. When I bring up something cool that I read about, he is "suspicious" of me for "losing focus on medicine."

4. I've asked for accuracy countless times. I've conversed about 20 times with him on this matter.

5. I've let him talk, and he often starts off with a comparison, a long list of complaints, coupled with talking about how much I've struggled with other things in my life.

I've just gotten sick of his shenanigans and just wish I could make a billion dollars and never have to see him again.

Sorry to hear that. The steps work, but all together in that order, not separately.
And it sounds like you are still placing blame on him. Take ownership of the conflict.
Also, I’m a woman, not sir 🙂



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[sunshinefl]

My dad still does this and I’m an M2. When we talk he asks me how my grades are and I give the generic fine. And he yells at me. Basically he wants me to be top of the class. I give him the speech about how we’re all the best and brightest now in the same room, and that half the class by definition will be the bottom 50%. Anyway, when it gets to be too much I hang up. That’s it! That’s the magic! Since I turned 18 and moved out 15 years ago, I can just hang up.

 

[Bubblepop]

Hey Alakazam, looking back, my suggested response might have been a bit aggressive. I certainly believe you that you already attempted multiple times using the de-escalation methods in a respectful and patient way. Although the de-escalation method works well for working with MOST people, I have personally found that the method breaks down in conversations or people that are mentally/emotionally abusive. Not trying to label your dad or his actions, just noting that it's clear this is having a large impact on your emotional and mental health.

Wanted to mention that sometimes, disengaging (which is not realistically possible living together) with such events and people might be the best if not only solution. Do you happen to know if your school provides counseling? It might be a way to be able to talk to someone, and acquire new communication skills to deal with such difficult situations until you are able to create some distance. Once again, best wishes.

 

[dr_kateb]

This has Asian dad written all over it. I don’t think there’s much you can really do except ignore him. You could just turn it on him and talk about his shortcomings but that’s probably not a good solution and might make the relationship more toxic. My dad was kinda like this with the comparisons to other students/relatives but he didn’t really do it as an insult, rather motivation. It was still annoying but not abusive like what’s going on here.

 

[Boola Boy]

Also sounds like my Nigerian dad.

Good luck

 

[MerYangBey]

Sometimes you have to accept that they might not ever see things from your point of view as difficult as it might be for you. Also he might not think that he’s doing anything wrong and that the way he’s treating you is perfectly fine.

 

[Yuma7131]

Ever since I decided to take a 2nd gap year, my father will not shirk at an opportunity to bring that up and rub it in by face.

I have explained to him countless times that becoming a doctor is a long process, and that taking gap years is not at all uncommon. However, whenever I so much as mention the fact that being rejected from Medical Schools is a possibility, he goes into a tirade about how I'll end up taking a THIRD year, and I'll be applying forever.

To put salt in the wounds almost, he then starts talking about how other peers of mine have completed their undergrad and matriculated into medical school immediately without ANY gap years, and said that I really need to start thinking about my "weaknesses."

I'm frankly getting sick of my dad and just wish he'd shut the hell up, and stop ranting about something he has no clue about. He did not study in this country, he is not a doctor, and he makes NO EFFORT to try to find out ANYTHING about the medical career on his own.

When he doesn't understand something, he asks me for an explanation, and when I explain it to him, he gets upset about other stuff.

He is so unaware, that he literally thought that medical school and residency could be done in about 3 years COMBINED!!! When I told him that most doctors do a fellowship, he started flipping out about how much longer that'd take.

I've had it with his stupid attitude? It's spoiled my mood for the whole week. How do you deal with parents like this?

I would probably try telling him exactly how you are feeling about your interactions with him.

 

[Alakazam123]

This has Asian dad written all over it. I don’t think there’s much you can really do except ignore him. You could just turn it on him and talk about his shortcomings but that’s probably not a good solution and might make the relationship more toxic. My dad was kinda like this with the comparisons to other students/relatives but he didn’t really do it as an insult, rather motivation. It was still annoying but not abusive like what’s going on here.

The twisted thing is that my dad genuinely believes he's motivating me by pointing out my flaws and comparing me to people who've done better. I'll never understand him....

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

As a parent, I can comfortably say the great majority of parents want to see their children achieve their goals. Apparently you are not on pace to achieve your goals, at least in your father's eyes. To comfort him, lay out where you are in your timetable, the positive results you have achieved, the positive results you expect to earn, and when you plan on applying. Have you taken the Mcat? This should relieve some of his anxiety. If you cant do this, then you are way behind schedule and his frustration is understandable. Keep us posted when you are accepted. Good luck and best wishes!

I'm also a parent, and I don't think his frustration is understandable if OP is actually moving towards applying, which it seems like he is. The father seems unwilling to learn about the process and overreacts with frustration at reasonable decisions and timelines. Frustration that your kid isn't doing things according to your own timeline is not helpful. My own mother was very impatient with me initially and constantly expressed frustration with me not doing things quickly enough. It did nothing to help, and in fact put me in more debt than I'd be in now if I had followed my own plan. She finally relaxed the reigns and let me find my own way, and we have a much better relationship, and I'm on track to med school with an already successful military career underway.

And if this account is accurate:

Hello sir, thank you for all your advice. I'll address the points one by one:

1. I did this each and every time in the 15 conversations we had, and I also let him know over and over again that the path to becoming a doctor is one of delayed gratification. I pointed to many instances of people who've succeeded after taking gap years and do my best to reassure him that I too can be successful.

2. This kind of builds off of one, and I said that I understand that I am taking a long time, but I explain each and every one of the factors that contribute over and over again.

3. I did, several times, explain how I feel. However, when he speaks I feel like I'm talking to the CEO of a company and not a father. There were good times in our relationship, don't get me wrong. However, I feel he's very robotic when dealing with me. He shows little to no interest in my pursuits in research, etc. When I bring up something cool that I read about, he is "suspicious" of me for "losing focus on medicine."

4. I've asked for accuracy countless times. I've conversed about 20 times with him on this matter.

5. I've let him talk, and he often starts off with a comparison, a long list of complaints, coupled with talking about how much I've struggled with other things in my life.

I've just gotten sick of his shenanigans and just wish I could make a billion dollars and never have to see him again.

It doesn't sound like his frustration is appropriate.

 

[Angus Avagadro]

I'm also a parent, and I don't think his frustration is understandable if OP is actually moving towards applying, which it seems like he is. The father seems unwilling to learn about the process and overreacts with frustration at reasonable decisions and timelines. Frustration that your kid isn't doing things according to your own timeline is not helpful. My own mother was very impatient with me initially and constantly expressed frustration with me not doing things quickly enough. It did nothing to help, and in fact put me in more debt than I'd be in now if I had followed my own plan. She finally relaxed the reigns and let me find my own way, and we have a much better relationship, and I'm on track to med school with an already successful military career underway.

And if this account is accurate:



It doesn't sound like his frustration is appropriate.

First, thank you for your service.
I think we are in agreement, OPs Father is frustrated with his sons admitted lackluster performance. Dads frustration is understandable to me. 6 years and still hasn't applied to med school? That would have sent my Dad through the roof. OPs Dads frustration is understandable, his behavior is not. He clearly isn't interested in confusing his opinion with facts. Living at home and going to school is challenging.
This is why I only took summer courses while at home as I had a dual major. After OPs follow up post, I think he needs to move out into a modest apt, and concentrate on doing his best and improving his app. I think their relationship should improve. Afterwards, I would not discuss med school grades with Dad.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

First, thank you for your service.
I think we are in agreement, OPs Father is frustrated with his sons admitted lackluster performance. Dads frustration is understandable to me. 6 years and still hasn't applied to med school? That would have sent my Dad through the roof. OPs Dads frustration is understandable, his behavior is not. He clearly isn't interested in confusing his opinion with facts. Living at home and going to school is challenging.
This is why I only took summer courses while at home as I had a dual major. After OPs follow up post, I think he needs to move out into a modest apt, and concentrate on doing his best and improving his app. I think their relationship should improve. Afterwards, I would not discuss med school grades with Dad.

Fair enough. Saying the same thing in different words, though I feel that the level of frustration he must be experiencing to behave that way is a little much. Some frustration with your kids is totally understandable. Mine frustrate me daily lol. But I think we’re on the same page.

 

[Alakazam123]

First, thank you for your service.
I think we are in agreement, OPs Father is frustrated with his sons admitted lackluster performance. Dads frustration is understandable to me. 6 years and still hasn't applied to med school? That would have sent my Dad through the roof. OPs Dads frustration is understandable, his behavior is not. He clearly isn't interested in confusing his opinion with facts. Living at home and going to school is challenging.
This is why I only took summer courses while at home as I had a dual major. After OPs follow up post, I think he needs to move out into a modest apt, and concentrate on doing his best and improving his app. I think their relationship should improve. Afterwards, I would not discuss med school grades with Dad.

This is my first gap year after undergrad, so I haven't reached the 6 year mark yet. I'd be applying at the end of this year. But I want to make sure my grades and MCAT are in order before I follow through and just apply. Otherwise, it's not wise to apply. I made the mistake of giving into my dad's pressure to take the MCAT early, and I dropped from a 505 to a 496. He's seen the effect of putting too much pressure, and he hasn't relented.

Frankly I want to get into neurosurgery as a specialty because they are busy as hell. That way I won't have to worry about my dad nagging me until I'm in my mid-30s about grades, where I'm studying next, etc.

My father made me download an app on my phone so that he can track my movements on campus, to give you an example of how neurotic he is. He is clearly doing it out of concern, but he's gone over the top.

For the record, I don't live at home, I live about an hour away. When I mention financial independence, he gets offended, and views it as a "threat." Then he goes into a tirade about how "American families," as though they are all the same, fall apart because parents aren't there for their children, and children just abandon their parents, etc.

Not to mention, he is ardently religious. So, when I am at home visiting, he makes me say the prayers regularly, otherwise he yells at me for not chanting the prayers, etc. I am SICK of his silly and petty control over my life. Frankly the one thing I'm thankful for his the financial support of my family. Beyond that, I'd be willing to trade everything in for more independence.

 

[sunshinefl]

This is my first gap year after undergrad, so I haven't reached the 6 year mark yet. I'd be applying at the end of this year. But I want to make sure my grades and MCAT are in order before I follow through and just apply. Otherwise, it's not wise to apply. I made the mistake of giving into my dad's pressure to take the MCAT early, and I dropped from a 505 to a 496. He's seen the effect of putting too much pressure, and he hasn't relented.

Frankly I want to get into neurosurgery as a specialty because they are busy as hell. That way I won't have to worry about my dad nagging me until I'm in my mid-30s about grades, where I'm studying next, etc.

My father made me download an app on my phone so that he can track my movements on campus, to give you an example of how neurotic he is. He is clearly doing it out of concern, but he's gone over the top.

For the record, I don't live at home, I live about an hour away. When I mention financial independence, he gets offended, and views it as a "threat." Then he goes into a tirade about how "American families," as though they are all the same, fall apart because parents aren't there for their children, and children just abandon their parents, etc.

Not to mention, he is ardently religious. So, when I am at home visiting, he makes me say the prayers regularly, otherwise he yells at me for not chanting the prayers, etc. I am SICK of his silly and petty control over my life. Frankly the one thing I'm thankful for his the financial support of my family. Beyond that, I'd be willing to trade everything in for more independence.

Wow. Delete that app ASAP.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

This is my first gap year after undergrad, so I haven't reached the 6 year mark yet. I'd be applying at the end of this year. But I want to make sure my grades and MCAT are in order before I follow through and just apply. Otherwise, it's not wise to apply. I made the mistake of giving into my dad's pressure to take the MCAT early, and I dropped from a 505 to a 496. He's seen the effect of putting too much pressure, and he hasn't relented.

Frankly I want to get into neurosurgery as a specialty because they are busy as hell. That way I won't have to worry about my dad nagging me until I'm in my mid-30s about grades, where I'm studying next, etc.

My father made me download an app on my phone so that he can track my movements on campus, to give you an example of how neurotic he is. He is clearly doing it out of concern, but he's gone over the top.

For the record, I don't live at home, I live about an hour away. When I mention financial independence, he gets offended, and views it as a "threat." Then he goes into a tirade about how "American families," as though they are all the same, fall apart because parents aren't there for their children, and children just abandon their parents, etc.

Not to mention, he is ardently religious. So, when I am at home visiting, he makes me say the prayers regularly, otherwise he yells at me for not chanting the prayers, etc. I am SICK of his silly and petty control over my life. Frankly the one thing I'm thankful for his the financial support of my family. Beyond that, I'd be willing to trade everything in for more independence.

Bro. You need to cut ties and take out loans. That is some crazy **** that goes way being being religious. Cut him out for a while so he can see what it’s like to not have you in his life anymore. Maybe that will chill him out. Either way you can be more independent. It’s time to be an adult.

 

[Angus Avagadro]

I'm sorry for your situation. However, neurosurg is highly competetive and demands elite applicants. I now understand why you are taking such care to ensure your application is the best possible. I'm sure you realize your current scores are average for most established DO schools. Having said that I know a person who did a post bac at temple, went to med school and now in a well known neurosurg residency. Might want to consider that route, also could be a chance to cut the apron strings from home. Good luck!

 

[Medic741]

It's pretty simple. One day you wake up and...

>Stop being financially dependent. Get used to living on a budget & living with less than you are now. Lots of people do it, and heads up -- they're totally fine.
>Make your own choices and live as you damn well please

 

[Tommy1234]

This is my first gap year after undergrad, so I haven't reached the 6 year mark yet. I'd be applying at the end of this year. But I want to make sure my grades and MCAT are in order before I follow through and just apply. Otherwise, it's not wise to apply. I made the mistake of giving into my dad's pressure to take the MCAT early, and I dropped from a 505 to a 496. He's seen the effect of putting too much pressure, and he hasn't relented.

Frankly I want to get into neurosurgery as a specialty because they are busy as hell. That way I won't have to worry about my dad nagging me until I'm in my mid-30s about grades, where I'm studying next, etc.

My father made me download an app on my phone so that he can track my movements on campus, to give you an example of how neurotic he is. He is clearly doing it out of concern, but he's gone over the top.

For the record, I don't live at home, I live about an hour away. When I mention financial independence, he gets offended, and views it as a "threat." Then he goes into a tirade about how "American families," as though they are all the same, fall apart because parents aren't there for their children, and children just abandon their parents, etc.

Not to mention, he is ardently religious. So, when I am at home visiting, he makes me say the prayers regularly, otherwise he yells at me for not chanting the prayers, etc. I am SICK of his silly and petty control over my life. Frankly the one thing I'm thankful for his the financial support of my family. Beyond that, I'd be willing to trade everything in for more independence.

"download an app on my phone so that he can track my movements on campus" That's crazy. Have you thought apply to Caribbean med school?

 

[PeleHonuaMea]

Your relationship is hanging by a thread and I really pray and hope it will improve sooner rather than later... for your sake, his sake and especially your mother’s sake. She’s probably hurting silently, watching the most important men of her life fight with each other.

Are you able to sit him down, tell him you love him but you’re not able to discuss anything related to medical school anymore? If he wants to discuss it, you just leave the room Or hang up the phone?

*Btw, really interested to hear your fathers side of the story...*

 

[RNtoMD87]

I'd just cut them out of my life.

 

[Kodite]

Frankly I want to get into neurosurgery as a specialty because they are busy as hell. That way I won't have to worry about my dad nagging me until I'm in my mid-30s about grades, where I'm studying next, etc.

I'd just like to add that you don't need to pick a specialty with crazy high average hours/week if you want to work a crazy high average number of hours/week. No one will stop you from putting in more hours than your specialty's average—you can be an outlier.