How to decline an offer from a school that doesn't want me?

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desidoc_

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So I was really torn up deciding between two schools - my top two choices. I recently however, was accidentally sent a very rude email chain from someone at one of the schools. In the email chain a couple people detailed that they were unimpressed with me and were no longer interested in putting effort into recruiting me. Of course, this was amazing news. Their f*ck up did me a huge favor and now I will be accepting an offer from the other school that actually wants me.

I'd like to, however, politely let them know that they sent me this email chain. Of course, part of me wants to make them feel guilty about sending that email along. I'm not hurt, but I am passive aggressive. I am also just baffled at the sheer foolishness on their part. Perhaps they will be more careful in the future and any prospective students they are unexcited about will remain blissfully ignorant to the fact that nobody in the program actually wants them to come.

If I ensure that my (emailed) rejection is perfectly polite in language and in tone, will any of y'all give me your blessing in doing so? I'm not worried about burning bridges because they've already done that and deserve to know it, even if accompanied by a painfully artificial smile.
 
Um... wow. How unfortunate for all parties involved. I would be tempted to be less than passive aggressive and be more overt in CC'ing all parties involved with my very obvious decline of their offer. High road generally recommended - but would be very tempted to be more obvious.
 
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I'm sorry you had to experience that. It was unprofessional and careless. In my experience, taking the high road is always the best decision. You're less likely to regret doing what you know to be the right thing. I would, however, absolutely let them know that you received the email chain. Just my two cents.
 
am so sorry that you received those emails. Aside from the fact you should have never seen those emails, it sounds like they were not constructively evaluating you as potential student. That must have been difficult to process. I can see how you might want to be passive aggressive, but the fact that you are questioning it by posting here tells me you know that isn't what you think is right. As theSteppenwolf said above, I think you should absolutely let them know that you received the email (either by reply all or to the training director and the PI directly). This may be a good opportunity for faculty to reflect on how their words hurt a potential student and may prevent this from happening again.
 
It would be reasonable to let them know that their unprofessional actions were the reason you do not want to go. Don't do it snarky though; it is a small field and you don't want to burn bridges because you were insulted.

It is worth noting (to you I mean, not to them in the email) that if this is a state school their emails actually could be requested in an investigation, if you were to have sued for something or they came up otherwise in an investigation. They really should not be communicating like that about applicants via email. This is what the "email is not a secure means of communication" that we put at the end of emails of for, haha.
 
theSteppenwolf said:
I'm sorry you had to experience that. It was unprofessional and careless. In my experience, taking the high road is always the best decision. You're less likely to regret doing what you know to be the right thing. I would, however, absolutely let them know that you received the email chain. Just my two cents.
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I think this and MC Parent's answers are imo, most spot on. You dont want to burn bridges at all. For all we know, one of their current fac members who didnt say anything negative but may learn of this situation might end up in 5 years at a postdoc you want to be at, and how you handle this situation could still be relevant then. That said, I think in particular how you handle this is somewhat dependent on who it is that's saying unprofessional things about you? Is it the DCT, fac members, or grad students?

Assuming the DCT isnt involved, I think notifying them of your reception of the email is appropriate. If the DCT was involved, why even bother if they're setting that low of a bar for themselves as it seems unlikely to change anything. There's not opportunity (that will likely work) for corrective action. Your email wont change their behavior, and is unlikely to give them pause and get them to question themselves. If its one of their faculty members, they hold a certain position of authority over them.
 
Wow.

I agree with others that what's called for is a succinct, professional letter to the PI, maybe cc'ing the DCT, letting them know that you somehow became a party to the email chain and think it best not to join their program. They've made it very easy for you to take the high road and walk away. Don't look back.
 
This is actually the second time in the past few weeks that I've heard of something like this! My friend is an MD who is finishing up fellowship and is currently applying to nyc hospitals. She accidentally received an email chain between a few senior MDs who were discussing how "her personality is just not tough enough to handle the atmosphere here, oh, and she sent very similar cover letters to my colleagues over at so and so...."

Yikes. Sorry you had to get that feedback, but I'm sure this is a real blessing in disguise for you @desidoc_ !
 
Thanks everyone for your advice! It really was a blessing. I was at a loss trying to choose between two programs that I absolutely loved, and this mistake made it incredibly easy for me to choose which school I want to attend. I will take all of your advice and contact the program director. Should I CC both of the faculty members in the email with the director as well? Should I first email my PI(s) individually declining the offer, and then email the program director individually regarding the email chain?
 
"Given the information I received in the email from professors, I believe it is our mutual best interests for me to further my education in another venue. I would like to thank everyone for their professionalism and adherence to such standards."

copy and paste the assessment of you below. Send to the dean. Wait for a phone call.
 
PSYDR said:
"Given the information I received in the email from professors, I believe it is our mutual best interests for me to further my education in another venue. I would like to thank everyone for their professionalism and adherence to such standards."

copy and paste the assessment of you below. Send to the dean. Wait for a phone call.
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Well said.

OP I'm so sorry you had this experience. But like others have said, at least now you know how they operate.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
 
Wow. Sorry you went through that! Just out of curiosity, was any part of the email intended for you? I can't wrap my head around how something like this could happen!
 
psyched2graduate said:
Wow. Sorry you went through that! Just out of curiosity, was any part of the email intended for you? I can't wrap my head around how something like this could happen!
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Yup, first part of the email was for me and when I scrolled down on the message I saw the rest of the thread below, which had accidentally been copied over I suppose. That, or they "accidentally" sent it to me on purpose to get me to decline their offer so they could go with their 3rd choice applicant (I was 1st alternate on the waitlist after their first choice student declined the offer to go elsewhere).
 
Would sending to the dean be a little much? Like someone else said, there are other great faculty in the program who I may work with in the future, plus I will be seeing all of the individuals involved at conferences over the next several years. I'd rather just email the program director...but if the dean is the right person to go to in a situation like this then I suppose I will go to the dean?
 
I think what I would be most concerned with after deciding to decline the offer is notifying the DCT of the offense as simply as possible. My intention would be to prevent this from happening to another applicant and not to throw anyone under the bus. They made the error here, but as many have already stated, this will likely not be the last time your paths will cross. My mindset would be: the less I escalate the situation, the cleaner I am walking away from it. Modeling good behavior may pay dividends down the road.
 
Unfortunately, this sort of situation happens more than one would think and definitely more than it should in academia. You will likely find a considerable amount of similar behavior during your training tenure. Some of the most unprofessional and Cluster B feature behavior I ever encountered occurred during my graduate training - both in clinical psychology and nursing.

An appropriate, succinct response to this indiscretion is indeed warranted, IMO.
 
desidoc_ said:
Would sending to the dean be a little much? Like someone else said, there are other great faculty in the program who I may work with in the future, plus I will be seeing all of the individuals involved at conferences over the next several years. I'd rather just email the program director...but if the dean is the right person to go to in a situation like this then I suppose I will go to the dean?
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I am one of the most aggressive psychologists here. And I am self employed. You may want to take those factors into account before considering my opinion.
 
If it were me, I doubt that I would bring this to anyone's attention and just decline the offer and move on. There will likley be similar problems that are run into down the road. I know I did and there are times to stand up and challenge and there are times to just get through it. Much of the time during training and education the power differential is so great and the stakes are so high for my career that most of the time I just kept my head down and pushed forward.
 
Given you don't want to go there, I'm not sure I see much of anything to be gained by going over their heads/beyond the department. A dean might apologize, but they're not going to monitor their emails moving forward, nor can they do much for you if you are going elsewhere. As much as it sucks, this was clearly a careless/rude mistake and not the sort of thing that is likely to cost anyone their job unless they were on extremely thin ice in the first place.

I'd just reply all (or cc those you have been talking to) and say "given the below, I think it's best I pursue my education elsewhere" and leave it at that. Those capable of learning would experience appropriate shame, someone might get a talking to and you aren't as likely to burn bridges with people you might have contact with in the future. I'm not sure elevating it would change anything besides the latter. I wouldn't even bother with the DCT unless they are one of the ones you have been in communication with.

Sorry this happened to you.
 
desidoc_ said:
I'd like to, however, politely let them know that they sent me this email chain. Of course, part of me wants to make them feel guilty about sending that email along. I'm not hurt, but I am passive aggressive.
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I totally get where you're coming from - I think I'd feel the same way in your shoes. With that being said, I wouldn't recommend copying the dean on your reply. Obviously they were in the wrong for forwarding this info to you, but they're also likely to be defensive once they realize their error, and it's human nature for them to look for reasons to minimize their mistake. Keep in mind that you have no control over how anyone in the program feels about this situation. Focus instead on how you want to feel about yourself afterwards, and handle it in the most dignified way possible.
 
I would send the following to the PI:

"I want to thank you for your offer of acceptance into your program. While I was very excited at the thought of attending and working with__________, in light of recent communications (please see attached/forwarded below), it seems in the best interest of all involved that I respectfully decline your offer. Fortunately, I have received and will be accepting an offer to attend another program. Again, I'd like to thank your for your time and the interest you showed in me.

Best,
Desidoc_"

As far as cc'ing others, I'd maybe (just maybe) consider the Director of Training, but probably wouldn't. If the email came from the PI, I think the above will point out her/his error. If it came from others, the PI will follow-up (or not) as s/he sees fit, incluiding contacting the DT if necessary.

If you didn't have another offer, I'd suggest other steps. As it is, be done with it and take the high road.

Also- Congratulations on acceptance into a program that you are excited about!
 
Thanks everyone for your advice! I anticipate sending the offer decline email next week, and I will probably be following @ClinicalABA's advice most closely. I'll let you know what happens!
 
Yes, it is generally best practice to politely decline as soon as possible so other people can be notified/offers made before they accept elsewhere and so on. I wouldn't wait until next week now that you've decided on your course of action.
 
I like ClinicalABA's email, but I would DEFINITELY copy the DCT on this. A PI may just go "whoops" and not change their behavior or tell anyone else that it happened. A DCT can tactfully (if it's a good one) make comments that "no emails should be sent about applicants" to all faculty next year to prevent this kind of thing from happening to someone else.
 
Honestly, this is a great lesson for how to approach all new ventures: with cautious optimism. You never really know what people think.

Even though you are obviously now going to go accept your other offer, you don't necessairly fully know what your chosen program thinks of you because you weren't privy to an uncensored email chain.

Regardless, it was very unprofessional for them to forward this to you. I have experienced something similar in residency and though far more benign than your experience-- it's definitely eye opening and a reason to scroll all the way down when you read emails!
 
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