Humor to help cheer you up

[Amy B]

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Here are some funny things I thought you might like reading as you take a break from filling out applications and secondaries.



Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.


"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

I think I'm going to throw up.


"This may smart a little."

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?


"This should fix you up."

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.


"Everything seems to be normal."

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.


"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...


"There is a lot of that going around."

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."

I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

 

[Amy B]

The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
patients' medical charts:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

2. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

[Amy B]

The following statements were supposedly found on patient's charts during a
recent review of medical records. These statements supposedly were written
by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or
two at several major hospitals:

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is
presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles."

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The
patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker
instead."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress."

 

[premeddo]

those are funny!! Thanks for sharing!

 

[Twitch]

Could consolidate some of those.

Amusing nevertheless

 

[OnMyWayThere]

Especially the first post, they were great!!! Thanks Amy for cheering us up 🙂