Hyper-competitive extended family/friends

[Dr. Scribe]

I need some advice on how to deal with overly competitive relatives and family friends.

It seems like whenever I accomplish something or progress towards a goal, all I ever hear about is how someone's child is doing something "better." I'm starting to get caught up in all of it and it is making me into a bad person with an inferiority complex.

I'll give an example:

For the past few months, I have started lifting again and am getting back into decent condition (some ab definition). When my aunt sees me she immediately starts talking about how her son has an 8-pack, 9.2% BF, etc. and the first thought that runs into my head is that I am still "better" because I will be going to a US MD program and he went to St. George's.

I don't like what I am becoming. What should I do? (besides keep lifting ofc lol)

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[DokterMom]

Try some flattery and exaggerated humility -- "I know I'll never be able to get the BFI or ab definition your Poopsie has, but I've been working at it." Or a simple "You must be so proud of him."

If they're just being contrary (pretty common) they'll then respond with either a compliment for you or a negative on Poopsie. Or if it's really more of a competitive thing, they'll just realize how much they like you because you share their high opinion of Poopsie. You'll never be able to fairly 'out-compete' Poopsie on accomplishments in their public commentary because their world views won't allow them to admit it -- true or not.

You just do you. (And know that Poopsie is getting an earful about how you're doing so much better than he is.)

 

[Dr. Scribe]

Try some flattery and exaggerated humility -- "I know I'll never be able to get the BFI or ab definition your Poopsie has, but I've been working at it." Or a simple "You must be so proud of him."

If they're just being contrary (pretty common) they'll then respond with wither a compliment for you or a negative on Poopsie. Or if it's really more of a competitive thing, they'll just decide how much they like you because you share their high opinion of Poopsie. You'll never be able to fairly 'out-compete' them on accomplishments in their public commentary because their world views won't allow them to admit it -- true or not.

You just do you. (And know that Poopsie is getting an earful about how you're doing so much better than he is.)

Solid advice, thanks!

 

[Wordead]

Solid advice, thanks!

Just follow your instincts and tell them that their kid was too dumb to go to a real medical school and ask how it feels to be on the hook for a 250K and get a worthless degree. Escalate until they cry. They'll stop eventually.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Bro. Ask them what their kid’s step 1 score + bench is. Watch them cry. Always works in my field 😉


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[Dr. Scribe]

Just follow your instincts and tell them that their kid was too dumb to go to a real medical school and ask how it feels to be on the hook for a 250K and get a worthless degree. Escalate until they cry. They'll stop eventually.

My cousin is quite older than me and is about to finish an anesthesiology residency this year with plans to do a pain management fellowship, so this response doesn't really feel appropriate lol

The first part (bolded) is usable, but I like my cousin and don't want to go there.

I wish all of the comparison making could just stop 🙁

 

[Dr. Scribe]

Bro. Ask them what their kid’s step 1 score + bench is. Watch them cry. Always works in my field 😉


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Wish I could, but he def out benches me.....for now lol

I am taller tho 😉

Damn it, did it again....haha

 

[IMreshopeful]

Family is hard. Part of being happy involves being confident in yourself and not giving a **** what others think of you. You don’t have to prove yourself to those who don’t value you anyway.

 

[Gibbward]

Dude there are some things that you just won't be able to control, especially when it comes to family. Think about it in their perspective. As much as they're happy about your accomplishments, what parents probably love doing the most is talking about how great their kids are. It's not necessarily about being competitive. It's just they're really excited that their kids are doing really well for themselves, and anytime a subject comes up where they can do that, they will. Your parents are probably doing the same and bragging about you to their friends when you're not around.

I mean I get what you're talking about. When I told my parents about getting into medical school, their first reaction was "Good job, BUT what about *insert more well known school that's more marketable to their friends and colleagues*". It's frustrating when there is this sense of competition, but at the end of the day, you just have to learn to be happy about what you've accomplished without comparing yourself to others.

 

[TRPMinus]

Handling this stuff is an art, and takes time/maturity. Having the “idgaf” mentality used to be my approach, but it’s a tough way to live. My answer is to have conviction about why you do things a certain way and to stick to your guns. It’s not about not caring about what people think; it’s about you doing you to a degree that it drowns them out a bit. Also, when you don’t approach situations with an idgaf mentality it gives you a chance to learn from others instead of alienating them. Very easy to talk about but difficult to live out.

 

[trobinsonmd]

This is pretty much the story of my life... all my cousins are in dentistry or primary care, and when I matched into derm, all the aunts and uncles were not happy and they became very defensive etc... when I'm with them, I try to build them up and make them feel good about what they are doing and I never talk about derm, if they ask about it, I will answer briefly and change the subject. The only reason someone wants to compete with you is because you are doing well. You already know you are doing well, so don't worry about it, just be humble and try to address your family's insecurities and shortcomings by building them up and boosting their confidence. All of this behavior stems from insecurity on their end

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Wish I could, but he def out benches me.....for now lol

I am taller tho 😉

Damn it, did it again....haha

Benching can be fixed. Height can’t (without tons of surgery). So don’t worry. Get after it. 😉


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[deleted547631]

Tell your aunt during dinner the story about how your grandpa told you that your mom or dad was always his favorite child.

 

[shapley]

This doesn't always work but for the past few years, I've actually confronted people about this and just ask them why they can't be happy for me or that person and why they always need to compare.

 

[medstud22]

I need some advice on how to deal with overly competitive relatives and family friends.

It seems like whenever I accomplish something or progress towards a goal, all I ever hear about is how someone's child is doing something "better." I'm starting to get caught up in all of it and it is making me into a bad person with an inferiority complex.

I'll give an example:

For the past few months, I have started lifting again and am getting back into decent condition (some ab definition). When my aunt sees me she immediately starts talking about how her son has an 8-pack, 9.2% BF, etc. and the first thought that runs into my head is that I am still "better" because I will be going to a US MD program and he went to St. George's.

I don't like what I am becoming. What should I do? (besides keep lifting ofc lol)

I mean she's not wrong, her son has an 8 pack with 9.2% BF, which you clearly don't. Just because you got into a US MD program doesn't automatically make you better than him. He's still leaner than you and outlifts you according to your own account.

 

[Jasmine2022]

I have gotten to a point where I just don't engage the conversation. Something like this would have me saying "that's awesome for him" and change the subject. If the person adamantly continues to boast, time to walk away. If I'm asked why I keep abruptly ending conversations, I'll explain kindly that I'm only in competition with myself and don't need the constant comparisons to become a better student, weightlifter, or whatever else.

Some people thrive off that competition, so remember that you'll be dealing with this mentality in so many aspects of life.

 

[Dr. Scribe]

I mean she's not wrong, her son has an 8 pack with 9.2% BF, which you clearly don't. Just because you got into a US MD program doesn't automatically make you better than him. He's still leaner than you and outlifts you according to your own account.

Don’t get me wrong bro, I’m mirin’ my cousin.

 

[Big Time Hoosier]

I mean she's not wrong, her son has an 8 pack with 9.2% BF, which you clearly don't. Just because you got into a US MD program doesn't automatically make you better than him. He's still leaner than you and outlifts you according to your own account.

Big Hoss

 

[nimbus]

If they are truly insufferable you can move to the opposite coast.