I am receiving ZERO support from those around me....should I give up??

[maximbella]

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Hello everyone! I have been lurking around here from the minute that I started thinking about a career change and this is my first post!

I am 26 (about to be 27 in a few days) and am seriously considering a career change to medicine (I currently work in the unrelated field of HR; graduated from business school undergrad in '03 with a 3.8 GPA). To be completely honest, I never thought about a career in medicine until I saw my little sister go through it. She is now a 4th year med student about to enter residency in Anesthesia. In addition, I had hands-on experience with a derm that intensified my interest. Given all of this, I called a local university to see what classes I would need (which is a lot, given that I had basically NO science as a business major). I know that it will take me about 3 years to fulfill all classes, on top of studying for the MCATs, etc. Needless to say, it will be a long journey, but one that I am passionate about and am definitely onboard for.

The only problem lies here....no one...and I mean NO ONE...in my support system thinks that this switch is a good idea. I first brought this up to my husband of 1 year and he basically laughed at me. The second time I brought this up, he told me that I was incredibley selfish and pulling a bait & switch given that we seriosly talk about starting a family in the near future. My parents and in-laws can't believe I would even think about this (as they say....my little sister is the doctor in the family and I should stick to HR b/c I'm so good with people). My friends think I am crazy for wanting all of this late in life.

This is an incredibly difficult decision for me and I have no idea what to do. I am literally in tears as I type this because it is so frustrating. Has anyone else gone through this? Did anyone else have no support system? I would think that this is critical, especially from those closest to you.... Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.

Thanks all!

 

[spooge]

You only get one shot at living your life. Do you think you will look back and feel like not going to medical school could be the biggest regret of your life? You could also drop this message in the womens topics in healthcare forum. You have a different perspective given the fact that the kids will be popping out of you if you want to have them. Time will pass either way. What do you want in ten years?

 

[okie]

If it is really something you want to do, then do it! Only you know what will make you happy. I would at least get your husband on board though, you definitely want him working with you and not against you, since you will be more stressed than any other time in your life once starting med school.

As for the kids thing, check out MOMMD.com for motivational stories of moms in medicine. The kids may have to wait unless he is wanting to be Mr. Mom for a little while. Try not to worry about all the relatives, they are probably just wanting to have some control if the opportunity arose. When dealing with parents and in-laws: Tell. Don't Ask.

My husband is a third year med student and has a 55 yo in his class, and a handful of other classmates who were teachers or nurses for 10+ years before entering medicine. Don't let your age discourage you, just be really sure it is what you want.

 

[nontrdgsbuiucmd]

I'm a bit further along but pretty similar background.. business experience, good income/career path from that, and somehow I kept hearing this little nagging voice bringing up medicine. For me, part of this was due to a sibling's death after a long illness + another sibling is an MD.

I'm not particularly religious in a traditional sense, but I am POSITIVE that this is the path that I'm supposed to follow. One of those things that makes sense when I saw all the coincidences and my particular strengths leading me toward medicine. My undergrad GPA was 3.7 so fortunately that wasn't a stumbling block, although I'd had probably 2 science classes undergraduate.

This was an interesting conversation with my wife of well over 10 years..she is about the only one who understands and is.. not exactly "rah-rah" supportive, but definitely she supports me and my feelings on this given how well she knows me. We sat down and talked it through at length in a quiet place after I'd told her I wanted to have a serious conversation, discussed why I was thinking that this was the right path, that I'd always felt helping people was very important and have always worked in a team/people oriented role, specifics on number of years before becoming a practicing MD, that I'd researched divorce stats for doctors (lower than average members of society, psychiatrists have higher divorce rates than others), the age of our children after finishing, anticipated salary after residency, that this path would financially more than breakeven & provide a good retirement cushion, etc.

My parents initial response was basically that they thought I was an idiot (dad) and stunned silence (mom). They're still not sure what to think. Siblings seem unsure too, my one MD sibling is supportive but graduated so many years ago that I'm hearing "when I was an undergrad we had to walk uphill to school 5 miles through snow every day" stories.

My suggestions are to get the buy-in of spouse, I don't believe this path is possible if one's spouse is opposed. Do your research, find a good time to talk quietly, find out specific objections, and answer those. I limit my parents time visiting when they are negative or actively change the subject. I try to surround myself with positive people, and found a group of them at my post-bacc school. Talk about an upbeat group! I love students. Make a plan on all those courses, it was around 15 total (counting labs separately) for me & took around a year fulltime.

by they way, likely the toughest part for me in this process (after being a mid-level career person) was going into the volunteer role that is REQUIRED by many schools although they don't explicitly state this anywhere..as a hospital volunteer, I found myself at the level of the janitor and hired security guards, it took months to break into the different groups (described as "cliquish" by an MD I got to know) and it gave insight into how a walmart clerk must feel initially. I loved the experience and gained greatly from that, fortunately.

 

[sunny1]

Out of everyone, you will need your husband's support the most for this to work.

Perhaps your husband (only having your sister as his reference to a medical career) thinks that most entering medical students are still fresh out of college? I would pull some numbers for him to demonstrate that the median age of entering medical school classes has risen over the past few years. It's a goal that many aspire to regardless of their age - also show him the nontrad age thread on this site as well - and they can achieve it, slowly but surely.

Discuss the finances around your potential decision. Does he make enough for you two to scale back and live on one income? If not, you could work part-time or full-time while you complete the prerequisites for example. That way you still have income over the next few years. You could also explain that you intend to apply to schools that are more tuition "friendly." And don't forget, while the compensation is measly, you do get paid 40kish during your residency years. After that point while you will certainly have a bundle of loans to pay back, you're fairly certain to be making more than you do right now in HR.

In terms of starting a family, also be sure to find posts on here and from mommd.com (and/or find have your sister help you find real, live people) who can provide testimonies to the fact that it is possible to be a parent and attend medical school. Obviously more difficult than the alternative, but it's been done before and people will continue to make it through. Unless he was under the impression that you were going to be a stay-at-home mom once you had kids. Then I can imagine his surprise.

Also be sure to address the term "selfish" that he used. While I certainly understand where he is coming from, every one has their own dreams that they want to fulfill. Some just realize them sooner than others. Make sure you can impress upon him that you want to minimize any impact this would have on him and your family as much as possible by explaining a possible plan, mapping it out for him, and providing backup evidence. But that above all, you can't go down this road without his support.

Heck, those first 1-2 years, you could even agree to think of it as a hobby of sorts. You work PT or FT and take a few classes on the side. If you do well and still have the interest, at that point he'll understand your dedication even more I would hope.

Just be aware that you won't be able to take Org Chem LABS while pregnant. So make sure you fit that into your timeline (the time it takes to be pregnant vs. when to take your Org Chem labs).

 

[GreenShirt]

Give your family a bit of time to digest what you have proposed. You are talking about a life change that is going to be a huge financial (at least 6 figs) and time (10-13 yrs of prep, education, and training) commitment before it bears any fruit.

Before you start the madness, you need to get a taste of what you're in for. You haven't taken any science classes since high school (?). I'd try a few of those to see how you do before you jump in. Maybe you can work out a compromise with your husband: a one year trail period where you explore your interest (taking prereqs and shadowing physicians) before you toss out the current job. If you still feel passionate about medicine once you've tackled chemistry you can revisit this idea with your family.

 

[177983]

Hey, maximbella. I'm sorry to hear about you not getting much support from family and friends. A few quick thoughts.

1) You're not old to be thinking about med school. 26 may feel old since you're done with college and all, but think of it this way: If you stick with your current field, you'll be working in it for ~40 years before you retire. 40 years is a hella long time to do something you don't like. So, yeah, med school will take some time, but even if it takes ~12 years, that's still 28 years you'll be fully practicing. That's longer than you are old. If you really want it, go for it.

2) You can take as many or as few years as you want. Take one class a semester and get the pre-reqs done in 3 years. Or, take out some student loans, do a post-bac, and be ready for med school in one. Many universities have official post-bac programs that let you take Gen. Chem in the summer, and everything else during the school year. Then, they help you apply that next summer. Bam, you've applied to med school within 15 months. That's what I'm doing. PM me if you want more details. Lots of schools have them, probably in your area.

3) If you really feel like med school is more of a struggle than it's worth, have you thought about looking into PA or NP school? People will rightly say that it's not being an MD, but I went back and forth for a long time on this before deciding on the MD. A PA especially would be a year or so of pre-reqs, plus 2 years of school and that's it. You get to diagnose patients, prepare and enact treatment plans, etc. Several doctors even recommended I be a PA because it's so much less time and money. Some state PA school are <20K per year, putting your final debt at a much more reasonable size than an MD. The final authority rests with you much less frequently, but it might be a worthy trade-off for family happiness. That entire sequence could be done in 4 years: 1 year pre-reqs, one glide year, 2 years in PA school. Not saying it's for you, but it might be something to consider.

Final thing: I highly recommend you do some shadowing or volunteering before even taking any classes. This more than anything will let you know if you enjoy the hospital/sick-person setting. I've loved all my shadowing so far, and it's strengthened my resolve to get into med school.

 

[lainey234]

I have to say that without a solid support system this path is unwise at best. It won't be a popular sentiment on these forums I'm sure - but I do think you are being a bit selfish. You are married, you are not talking about a boyfriend that may or may not stick around. You made a commitment to this person and if nothing else, you have to take his opinions/concerns seriously. Yes, if you don't do this 10 yrs from now you will certainly be 10 yrs older. But what if you do this and 10 yrs from now you are a doctor, but you lose your husband in the process? Are you okay with that possibility?

My husband and I have a solid relationship with two kids but I still lay awake at night sometimes wondering if I have made the right choice. I love my family and if I really thought this would hurt them in some way or get between us, I would choose something else.

If your husband comes around, then by all means - go for it. But if that doesn't happen, take a look and see if there is anything else you can do that would make you happy. Life is about balance and marriage is about compromise, and sometimes this means not getting what you want.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I understand completely where you are coming from, I too was married and unfullfilled with my life when I decided to go back to school, I was just fortunate enough to have everyone I love 100% behind me.

 

[sunny1]

Just a note about the suggestion for considering the route of a PA. I agree that it is tempting for nontrads; however, most programs tend to be designed for someone with clinical experience already (as an EMT, nurse, etc.) and have a requirement with respect to direct patient experience hours. Just something to be aware of when considering different paths, since I know you're an HR person. That said - you could certainly change jobs to gather that experience while completing prereqs.

 

[Sunfire]

However, there are a select number of PA programs that have no set experience requirements. That's not to say that they won't take those applicants who do have experience over those who don't, so don't think it's an automatic entry situation. Still, you'd have some time before application to gain some experience, even if it's just volunteering in the ED. And sunny1 is correct...you could always train as an EMT or CNA and work for a while before application. You'd still have plenty of time.

Also, one year would probably not be adequate time to get pre-reqs completed. Most PA schools require Gen Bio series (w/lab), Gen Chem series (w/lab), O-Chem (w/lab, altho some schools now only require the first O-Chem and will take Biochem as a substitute for O-Chem 2), Biochem, Microbiology (w/lab), Anatomy (w/lab), and Physiology (w/lab). Many programs also have additional requirements, such as Genetics, Statistics, Psychology, Sociology, and others. You're looking at somewhere around 90 units of work, for PA school pre-reqs.

PA is an excellent path, it's the one I've chosen. But would it be what you want? Would you forever wonder and wish?

As for your situation in respects to med school, I highly disagree with anything other than encouraging you to follow your heart. If your husband is someone who would laugh at you for considering your dreams, I'd give second thought to the marriage, to tell you the truth. I'm sure that he'd expect support from you, if he was to take on a similar type of attempt in his own life. As for raising a family, many Doctors do it. Further, the financial contribution you'd end up giving to your children would most likely be substantial.

And you've been well counseled...26 is hardly "late in life." Many people enter into medical schools in their 30s, some even up into their 40s. I myself went back to college when I was 30. If all goes well, I'll be graduating from PA school at 40. You're going to turn 40 either way...would you rather be 40 as what you want to be or not? There are really only two options.

 

[teddybear]

I have to say that without a solid support system this path is unwise at best. It won't be a popular sentiment on these forums I'm sure - but I do think you are being a bit selfish. You are married, you are not talking about a boyfriend that may or may not stick around. You made a commitment to this person and if nothing else, you have to take his opinions/concerns seriously. Yes, if you don't do this 10 yrs from now you will certainly be 10 yrs older. But what if you do this and 10 yrs from now you are a doctor, but you lose your husband in the process? Are you okay with that possibility?

My husband and I have a solid relationship with two kids but I still lay awake at night sometimes wondering if I have made the right choice. I love my family and if I really thought this would hurt them in some way or get between us, I would choose something else.

If your husband comes around, then by all means - go for it. But if that doesn't happen, take a look and see if there is anything else you can do that would make you happy. Life is about balance and marriage is about compromise, and sometimes this means not getting what you want.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I understand completely where you are coming from, I too was married and unfullfilled with my life when I decided to go back to school, I was just fortunate enough to have everyone I love 100% behind me.

Everything you're saying is great if somebody has an understanding partner and a great marriage like yours. But you don't know the first thing about the OP's relationship. Therefore you have no right to call them selfish. Shut it.

Oh and btw, OP, 26 is not late in life. I'd like to have some of whatever it is your friends are smoking.

 

[PunkmedGirl]

However, there are a select number of PA programs that have no set experience requirements. That's not to say that they won't take those applicants who do have experience over those who don't, so don't think it's an automatic entry situation. Still, you'd have some time before application to gain some experience, even if it's just volunteering in the ED. And sunny1 is correct...you could always train as an EMT or CNA and work for a while before application. You'd still have plenty of time.

Also, one year would probably not be adequate time to get pre-reqs completed. Most PA schools require Gen Bio series (w/lab), Gen Chem series (w/lab), O-Chem (w/lab, altho some schools now only require the first O-Chem and will take Biochem as a substitute for O-Chem 2), Biochem, Microbiology (w/lab), Anatomy (w/lab), and Physiology (w/lab). Many programs also have additional requirements, such as Genetics, Statistics, Psychology, Sociology, and others. You're looking at somewhere around 90 units of work, for PA school pre-reqs.

PA is an excellent path, it's the one I've chosen. But would it be what you want? Would you forever wonder and wish?

As for your situation in respects to med school, I highly disagree with anything other than encouraging you to follow your heart. If your husband is someone who would laugh at you for considering your dreams, I'd give second thought to the marriage, to tell you the truth. I'm sure that he'd expect support from you, if he was to take on a similar type of attempt in his own life. As for raising a family, many Doctors do it. Further, the financial contribution you'd end up giving to your children would most likely be substantial.

And you've been well counseled...26 is hardly "late in life." Many people enter into medical schools in their 30s, some even up into their 40s. I myself went back to college when I was 30. If all goes well, I'll be graduating from PA school at 40. You're going to turn 40 either way...would you rather be 40 as what you want to be or not? There are really only two options.

I completely agree with this. A poster previously stated that you are being selfish for wanting to pursue a career in medicine, but I don't believe that is true. Marriage is a compromise not you giving everything and getting nothing in return. You should really sit down and talk to your husband about this and make him understand that this is what you want and that you would like to have his support. I hope that everything will work out for you in whatever decision you make.

 

[unsung]

I have to say that without a solid support system this path is unwise at best. It won't be a popular sentiment on these forums I'm sure - but I do think you are being a bit selfish. You are married, you are not talking about a boyfriend that may or may not stick around. You made a commitment to this person and if nothing else, you have to take his opinions/concerns seriously. Yes, if you don't do this 10 yrs from now you will certainly be 10 yrs older. But what if you do this and 10 yrs from now you are a doctor, but you lose your husband in the process? Are you okay with that possibility?

My husband and I have a solid relationship with two kids but I still lay awake at night sometimes wondering if I have made the right choice. I love my family and if I really thought this would hurt them in some way or get between us, I would choose something else.

If your husband comes around, then by all means - go for it. But if that doesn't happen, take a look and see if there is anything else you can do that would make you happy. Life is about balance and marriage is about compromise, and sometimes this means not getting what you want.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I understand completely where you are coming from, I too was married and unfullfilled with my life when I decided to go back to school, I was just fortunate enough to have everyone I love 100% behind me.

Wow, I don't see how the OP is being selfish at all. First, she mentioned that she doesn't have any kids. So it's not as if pursuing this course of action would have any kind of immediate impact on these nonexistent kids. Second, yes pursuing a career, ANY career may put some strain into a relationship. But the fact that this guy is her *husband*, as opposed to her boyfriend, supposedly should mean the guy is MORE committed/devoted to supporting her, NOT less.

I think that initial reaction from a spouse of "are ya crazy??" to some extent is natural. But once they see that you're serious and intent on it, I would think most spouses would do their best to be supportive. It almost sounds like to me, if your husband were to say "no, I don't approve", you'd drop your medical school dreams just like that. Valuing a relationship supposedly should go both ways! Like another poster said, it's not about the woman giving 100% and getting nothing in return. If the man values the relationship, he should also be prepared to be supportive in this situation.

Think about the reverse. How many MEN decide to just forego even *attempting* to pursue their dream careers because they're afraid it might strain their marriage ? I can't even think of anyone. It's great that you're so considerate and all... but sometimes I think it pays to be, and I don't think selfish is the right word here, perhaps ambitious works better.

No one questions the guy that says I want to be more than a husband and a father... I want to make something of myself and make an impact out in society. I understand women are socialized to feel guilty for wanting the exact same thing... but that is so wrong. And it's especially wrong to perpetuate that by guilt-tripping other women. I'm sure she feels bad enough without other WOMEN ripping into her.

Ultimately, for me personally, I could not conceive of being with someone who did not respect my career goals enough to be supportive of me in that situation. I know of so many guys who WOULD be supportive in that situation, to the extent of even volunteering to work & pay for class tuition & freeing their spouse to study full-time. It just would boggle my mind to be with a guy who places so little importance on something I valued so deeply. Granted, all relationships are different. But the "dilemma" that is posed is just something so alien and incomprehensible to me. Yeah, an initial reaction of shock is natural. But if after a long, intimate discussion, my spouse was just completely unsupportive- even of my registering for one evening class, for example, I'd have to re-evaluate that relationship! Seriously.

Anyway, to the OP: you're at the perfect age. You're established in the job market so you have a way to feed yourself & support yourself while taking classes. That is Great! You're young and you don't have kids yet. The alignment of the planets is not going to get any better than this with the passing of years... this is not to say you should dive in head first. But if you are thinking of going for it, might as well get started soon! Start volunteering in some capacity. Maybe start with one evening class. You've got a younger sis who has been through it all and so you've got all her experience to help you out.

As for the part about not having people's support, I think really the first step is figuring out what YOU want. It seems like you're at that point where you're thinking about this, but haven't done enough exploration to commit yourself to it. For your husband to be convinced, or your family to be convinced, I would think you would first need to convince yourself. Having a support system is nice... but if the reason you really crave it is because you are totally uncertain yourself, then that's no good. You can't expect other people to give you the certainty or confidence in yourself if you don't already have it. Why not take an evening class? Discuss it with your husband and make sure you guys are on the same page at least... if a relationship can't even endure you going back to school to take one single class, then there is just something wrong with that relationship! But FIRST, decide for yourself what you want. It all starts with YOUR desire... that desire has to be strong and steady, or else that flame won't burn for long enough to get you through the many obstacles up ahead. Good luck!

 

[Ishiguro]

Maximbella, I'm in a similar situation to you (about the same age, just beginning this path [and still not completely sure if I'll wind up in medicine, at all]). I'm in a long-term relationship and coming around to the realization that my boyfriend and I can't continue to make all of our life decisions based on potential for individual advancement-- that's not a partnership and is probably not the way to long-term happiness. But compromises are possible.

I won't assume anything about your relationship, and I don't think it's necessarily terrible that you haven't received support yet. Frustrating, sure. But begin taking the pre-requisites and start getting some experience in a medical setting. Keep an open mind about the endeavour and let your husband know that you aren't commiting to anything yet, but just trying to see how this hunch you have about medicine might lead to a career shift. Later on, you'll certainly need his support and understanding, but give it time.

 

[lainey234]

I expected to be flamed a bit for my response, that's okay - everyone is entitled to their opinion. I did not, however, say that she should sacrafice while her husband does nothing. What I said was marriage involves compromise - that means on BOTH sides.

If they can discuss it and come up with a solution (either he backs her plans or she chooses a less time intensive route such as PA, RN, etc) then great. But if he says adamantly that he does not want to go through the stress, cost, time involved in supporting her decision than it can not work. By definition, choosing to pursue her career would then be "selfish" ie putting her self first. That does not mean her husband is in the right or that he is not being selfish as well.

No one likes reality. 60% of marriages end in divorce and it's this kind of stuff that is a deal breaker for alot of couples. In the end, you work together or you don't. All I said was she needed to decide if this was something she wanted that bad. Flame away.

 

[DrMona]

As for the part about not having people's support, I think really the first step is figuring out what YOU want. It seems like you're at that point where you're thinking about this, but haven't done enough exploration to commit yourself to it. For your husband to be convinced, or your family to be convinced, I would think you would first need to convince yourself. Having a support system is nice... but if the reason you really crave it is because you are totally uncertain yourself, then that's no good. You can't expect other people to give you the certainty or confidence in yourself if you don't already have it. Why not take an evening class? Discuss it with your husband and make sure you guys are on the same page at least... if a relationship can't even endure you going back to school to take one single class, then there is just something wrong with that relationship! But FIRST, decide for yourself what you want. It all starts with YOUR desire... that desire has to be strong and steady, or else that flame won't burn for long enough to get you through the many obstacles up ahead.

Maximbella, all of the responses in this thread are giving you some excellent insight into this potential career choice, especially the remarks from unsung. However, let me present an additional viewpoint about starting the medical school process late in the game.

I had originally planned on switching career paths (from psychology to medicine) just as I was finishing my senior yr in college. I was single and had no issues of marriage or children to interfere with my choice. Yet, I let myself be intimidated and frightened by the negative views of my parents and family, who did not want me to place myself into such a difficult career path (despite the fact that I had been an honors student in high school, with As in all of the science courses).

Nevertheless, I did not believe in myself at that time, so their "tactics" worked well on me -- I actually started to think that I would not be able to cope with the stresses of medical school and subsequent medical training. So I attempted to pursue what I thought would be a viable alternative -- went back to my original plan of earning a doctorate in psychology, as I was already in my mid-30s.

At the time that I started work on my doctorate, I also had gotten married to someone who had not known about my earlier medical career aspirations. Well, as much as I tried, I could not "make myself be happy" with this choice, because deep inside my heart, I knew that I had "sold out" on my own dreams.

Morevover, the more I tried to forget medicine and be content with psychology, the more depressed I became with my own life. I got to the point that I could not "stand myself", because I felt as if I were an ultimate failure. Yet, I thought that I could resign myself to this fate and that everything would eventually be alright.

Nevertheless, it took a crisis period with my spouse dealing with an active addiction problem for my entire world to start crumbling. With God's grace he got into recovery and started to live a new life without addiction.

But while he was getting better, I started to go downhill emotionally. I had convinced myself that my life was terrible because of his addiction. When that problem was removed, I was left without a scapegoat to blame for my troubles. Essentially, I ran right into a brick wall of reality -- realizing that I was so unhappy because I had given up on my own dream of becoming a physician.

So slowly, I started to allow myself to think about the possibility that my dream was not lost after all. Because I had supported my husband during his active addiction and stayed with him during the early years of recovery, I received the full support of my husband in this newly revived goal of becoming a doctor. While he supported me in this endeavor as his way of making amends to me, he also knew that if I did not do this for myself, then I would not be much good at being a supportive partner and soulmate for our relationship. Essentially, we would not have had a chance in hell for a solid married relationship, if I did not do this for me.

It was not easy making this transition to "officially" becoming pre-med again, because my family members initially were totally opposed to this "idiotic" plan and were constantly reminding me with all the negativity that they could muster that I was going to ultimately fail at this goal.

Nevertheless, the big difference in this situation now was that I was filled with enthusiasm and confidence toward achieving this goal, and was not going to be swayed by ANYONE to stop pursuing this dream. I still had to deal with the negativity, but I was able to handle it because I now believed wholeheartedly in ME. And I was not going to allow anyone to use any argument ("you're selfish, "you're being unrealistic," etc.) to dissuade me from pursuing this goal.

You see, it did not really matter if I ultimately would not get into medical school. It was the realization that I could live with myself, as long as I knew that I had at least TRIED!

And guess what? I finally got accepted to medical school in my mid-40s and proved that all of my critics had been wrong! This road has been tough at many different points, but I have been sustained by the overwhelming sense of empowerment that I gained from having achieved this goal.

So you can't give up on your dreams, because you can't give up on yourself!!!

 

[maximbella]

WOW, thank you all so much for all of the posts and support/feedback! I cannot believe how many strangers can offer support at times when the closest around you do not...

First of all, I want to offer some clarification on my husband and my marriage. We have been married over a year and dated for 4 years prior to getting married. When we first met, I was extremely happy and fulfilled in my career (blame it on being young & naive to what was out there). My husband (being 6 years older than me) is very successful (is a partner at a large investment firm) and has worked so hard his entire life for his future family and for his wife not to "have" to ever work (he grew up in a very old fashioned home where his mother also stayed at home and "took care" of the family). That being said, we have endlessly discussed how great it is that he has such an amazing career and how great it is that mine is flexible (can work part-time, work from home if needed, etc.) and how conducive that is to having the family that we both want. So, I can obviously see how he was first shocked at me basically changing the plan...but at the same token, I believe that I am entitled to that. I can tell you that if he wanted to drop everything and go to get his MBA, I would be so proud of him and support him every step of the way. I guess that is why I am so saddened at the way that he has handeled everything. All of that aside, and to be perfectly honest, money is not an issue...I do not want to go to med school/be a doctor for the money....it is something that I am truly passionate about and feel would truly enrich my life. I do not, however, want to lose my husband to this...and thus, I am torn.

I think the right next step, as many of you mentioned, is to start taking the coursework and volunteering. You are right in that I have to be 100% committed to this and in turn, other people will understand and will hopefully be supportive of my decision. Can someone please tell me if there is a good post-bacc program in Dallas, TX? I could not find one online. Also, where is the best place for me to start volunteering?

Thank you guys again for all of the warmth and compassion. For the first time in months, I finally believe that I can actually do this again....thank you for that.

 

[teddybear]

Sorry I got emotional. I just have this thing about people who will tell someone they can't do something. You're the only one who will have to get up every day and go to your job. Nobody else.

 

[MSmentor018]

WOW, thank you all so much for all of the posts and support/feedback! I cannot believe how many strangers can offer support at times when the closest around you do not...

First of all, I want to offer some clarification on my husband and my marriage. We have been married over a year and dated for 4 years prior to getting married. When we first met, I was extremely happy and fulfilled in my career (blame it on being young & naive to what was out there). My husband (being 6 years older than me) is very successful (is a partner at a large investment firm) and has worked so hard his entire life for his future family and for his wife not to "have" to ever work (he grew up in a very old fashioned home where his mother also stayed at home and "took care" of the family). That being said, we have endlessly discussed how great it is that he has such an amazing career and how great it is that mine is flexible (can work part-time, work from home if needed, etc.) and how conducive that is to having the family that we both want. So, I can obviously see how he was first shocked at me basically changing the plan...but at the same token, I believe that I am entitled to that. I can tell you that if he wanted to drop everything and go to get his MBA, I would be so proud of him and support him every step of the way. I guess that is why I am so saddened at the way that he has handeled everything. All of that aside, and to be perfectly honest, money is not an issue...I do not want to go to med school/be a doctor for the money....it is something that I am truly passionate about and feel would truly enrich my life. I do not, however, want to lose my husband to this...and thus, I am torn.

I think the right next step, as many of you mentioned, is to start taking the coursework and volunteering. You are right in that I have to be 100% committed to this and in turn, other people will understand and will hopefully be supportive of my decision. Can someone please tell me if there is a good post-bacc program in Dallas, TX? I could not find one online. Also, where is the best place for me to start volunteering?

Thank you guys again for all of the warmth and compassion. For the first time in months, I finally believe that I can actually do this again....thank you for that.

congrats on the 1st step of becoming a doctor...the planning! it's marathon and your time table is pretty much correct. 3 yrs pre reqs, a little volunteer time here and there and the dreaded mcat.
you can just take courses at your local college, the pre reqs for med school will be adjusted with your previous undergrad courses. the only courses that matter are the ones the school REQUIRES. each school is diff, some want biochem, some adv bio...etc. although you have to submit all your grades/gpa on amcas, you can pick and choose for the individual schools. it'll give you a little gpa boost. good luck!

 

[lainey234]

Sorry I got emotional. I just have this thing about people who will tell someone they can't do something. You're the only one who will have to get up every day and go to your job. Nobody else.

I'm sorry it came across that way. I don't doubt for a minute that she CAN do it. I was just trying to play Devil's advocate so that she was sure she WANTED to do it. There's nothing worse than living with regret, but I think if she rushed in without her husband's support she might regret that down the line as well. Anyway, i have taken in to PM's, sorry if I upset anyone.

 

[sunny1]

maxim, you don't need to do a formal post-bacc necessarily. You just sign up to take classes at your local 4-year university. That would probably be UT-A or UT-D or UNT. So your first step would be to meet with an advisor to make sure you apply/enroll under the best option for you (you can do non-degree seeking undergrad, degree-seeking undergrad, etc.). There are financial and registration benefits to consider when determining what status to apply for. There are premed or prehealth advisors too that you can meet with to be sure you're enrolling for the appropriate courses at your school.

UNT has a MMS program - but this is for people who have completed the prerequisites already and not found success in applying. You do not want this program at your point. You want to complete the prerequisites.

 

[odamae]

Before you draw a line in the sand with your spouse about this issue, I would get my ducks in a row. Get going with pre-req classes, meet with a pre-med advisor and do significant volunteer work (no hospital gift shop- the ER is a good place to start). The volunteer work is critical- whether you pursue an MD, RN, PA or whatever heathcare field. Certification in CPR, phlebotomy and maybe an EMT are good to have too. Then sit down with your husband and present your case- show him you are serious and want his support. Tell him you would do the same for him if he wanted to pursue his passion. But to wax whimsically about being an MD without demonstrating you are dead serious by taking deliberate important first steps, it is easy for him to blow holes in your argument and not take you seriously. Becoming an MD was an all-consuming endeavor for me- I was older when I started (35) and it was not easy keeping up with the whippersnappers in my class fresh from undergrad used to pulling all-nighters, etc. and no family responisbilities.

Anything is possible if there is a will- you need to prove you have the will and determination to do this. I believe your husband will come around if he sees your committment.

 

[unsung]

I think the right next step, as many of you mentioned, is to start taking the coursework and volunteering. You are right in that I have to be 100% committed to this and in turn, other people will understand and will hopefully be supportive of my decision. Can someone please tell me if there is a good post-bacc program in Dallas, TX? I could not find one online. Also, where is the best place for me to start volunteering?

For volunteering, check out this:

http://www.volunteermatch.org/


I found the current volunteering I do (crisis hotline) online. If you're interested in mental illness at all, I would highly recommend this. Usually you go through training (ours was 50 hrs), then you get to work as a crisis counselor and speak to all sorts of callers- depressed, suicidal, schizophrenic, people with relationship problems, etc. It's just really good experience, and it counts as clinical volunteering.

Personally, I prefer it to something like hospital volunteering, which most of the time isn't that exciting (no real interaction with patients beyond surface contact, no real learning). But that's just been my experience, ymmv. Certainly, you can never go wrong with hospital volunteering. It's probably more important to get some hospital experience if you haven't had experience in healthcare at all. If you do want to go this route, just call up the hospital you want to do it at and see when their orientation program is. Most hospital websites will also have this info. Try to start this piece of the process ASAP!

Also, here's a thought. If you work in HR, could you possibly somehow find a job working in HR in a healthcare system? Just being in that environment sort of gives you more credibility in the eyes of the Adcoms, and probably it would give you something to talk about in your application essays, since you would have some firsthand experiences with the admin side of healthcare.

With pre-reqs, I would lean toward doing an informal post-bacc on my own rather than a formal program, maybe out of financial concerns. If money isn't an issue though, formal post-bacc could be the way to go. But even just doing an informal post-bacc at the state university shouldn't take that long. Say you would go to school half-time. Year 1 gen chem & physics, year 2 o-chem & biology. I'm assuming you've taken some math too. If you do full-time, conceivably you could get it all done in a yr. The requirements are less difficult to meet than you might think.

 

[nontrdgsbuiucmd]

Yep, the next few years will be a good time to take the classes (and see how they go) and do the volunteer work (and see how you like it) and speak with your husband about this plan (and see if he's coming around)

writing as a guy, I'm a little put off by some comments above about guys doing whatever we want, whenever we want, etc. Not all of us do. If my wife was dead against this, I would not be doing it. She has a say in our life together just as much as I do, she'll be the one living on my nonexistent income for years as a med student.

And I can understand your husband taking time to get used to this..if "the plan" has always been that he works insane hours & brings in the $$, and you are more the stable force managing the home front, this (becoming an MD) is a massive change. My spouse & I are similar level professionals; we both work reasonable hours, both chip in at home, both tend the kids, etc. But several of my family members & friends are executives (both women and men) who travel and work very long hours, and rely on spouses with flexible jobs with shorter hours.

Please be patient, recognize that it takes a while for some guys to have things sink in, and address this in a way that he'd be able to understand/synthesize it. If he's an investment guy, I'd rely on research; we data people would likely be swayed by salary, employment stats, yrs required to train, hours typically worked, etc.

And good luck! PS We've not totally established if we will definitely leave this city when I'm accepted (or if I should only apply to the 1 local school with my solid stats), due to wife's job.. sounds like you'll be addressing that in the future too. That's a "biggee".

 

[CultureDoc]

Hey there,

Lots of great advice dispensed here already. I would like to add that, depending on specialty, medicine may offer you some options that your husband isn't aware of, in terms of schedule. My mom's family doc and my husband's aunt (an internist) both are in private practice and work "half-time" . . . the days they do work are long ones, but they are then home with their kids at least 4 of the 7 days in a week (mom's doc just had her 7th child(!); husband's aunt has 4). Naturally, it would take a while before you could be in that kind of position, but it's good to know there are options like that available. (also, you mentioned derm, and you could definitely have a nice schedule with that, but FYI, it's super-competitive in terms of getting a derm residency).

As for volunteering, I would consider a local free clinic or community health center. It's a rewarding experience, you get to see a lot, and you may get to do more than you would at a hospital. I've also been told that med schools like to see that you've had some experience with underserved populations. First and foremost, though, is to do what will get you some good exposure to the field and will work with your schedule. (If you need night and weekend hours, volunteering in an ER might be a better choice.)

Best of luck with all of this . . . it's a big decision. Take it slowly, and give your husband some time to get used to the idea and get on board. I have to admit that I was kind of dismissive when my longtime boyfriend (now husband) decided he wanted to be an architect (umm . . . his two undergrad degrees are in music theory and accounting!), mostly because I didn't get his motivation for it - it felt like it came out of the blue. But as I saw him work really hard toward that goal, and as I saw how freaking good he was at it and how perfect it really was for him, I was convinced. (Funny how the tables have turned, and it's his turn to be supportive of me now . . .)

Oh and I have to say that it's a little ironic that people think you should stick with HR because you're so good with people . . . have they stopped to consider that that's also the #1 qualification for being a great doctor?!

 

[DrJosephKim]

The luxury of NO financial barrier or burden is an amazing luxury. You really have a tremendous opportunity. I would continue to discuss/explain/compromise/and pursue. Discuss and re-evaluate priorities and the importance of family, career, your role, etc. At the end of your life, you won't want to look back with any regrets. Some regret decisions they made that led to compromises in family life. Others look back with regrets about career decisions. Best of luck.

 

[ZincFingers]

Maximbella,

In addition to the usual advice of live-your-own-life-to-the-fullest and so on... I can only offer this.

I decided to make the big try for med school at age 27. And you know what? I had no support either. In fact, nobody knew about it at all. I didn't tell my parents because it would just get their hopes up, and I figured it was a huge long shot... and as for my siblings, they would have just wanted me to fail anyway. And as for other loved ones... they didn't exist.

So it was all on me. Which granted me an interesting perspective.

Ultimately, such huge decisions in your life are not about your husband or your siblings or your friends. They are about one person and one person only -- you. Only yourself will be there during those endless nights studying for those O-Chem finals, for the MCAT, writing your essays, pounding the pavement for letters of rec. And it will come down to you, your smarts and your determination to beat the finals for biochemistry, anatomy, histology, internal medicine, surgery, to be there on those long call nights, counting your hours of sleep like a beggar counting his dollar bills.

Yes, your family is there (in theory) to help and support you, and it is good that you do have a support system. I am sure they would all eventually lay down everything they have to back you because they love you. But in the end, it won't be them sitting there under the fluorescents in front of the Scantron sheet or the computer filling out one of many hundreds of exams worth tens of thousands of study hours on the path to a medical degree. It's all you.

Nobody but you.

If this thought -- it being all on you -- scares you... reconsider your decision.

If, on the other hand, it thrills you... then hit me up for advice on the MCAT. It isn't as bad as people say.

Currently a fourth-year med student at age 32, against all odds...

 

[maximbella]

Thank you all again so much for all of your help & feedback! I have decided that I am going to start my classes next semester (missed the cutoff for Fall enrollment....grrr!). In the meantime, I am going to be a ED and hospice volunteer. My husband is coming around as well. As someone above mentioned, he is not "rah-rah" about it, but is willing to support me in the classes and see where that takes me. Thanks again to everyone and best of luck to you all!!!

 

[Omashu]

Wow, I don't see how the OP is being selfish at all. First, she mentioned that she doesn't have any kids. So it's not as if pursuing this course of action would have any kind of immediate impact on these nonexistent kids. Second, yes pursuing a career, ANY career may put some strain into a relationship. But the fact that this guy is her *husband*, as opposed to her boyfriend, supposedly should mean the guy is MORE committed/devoted to supporting her, NOT less.

I think that initial reaction from a spouse of "are ya crazy??" to some extent is natural. But once they see that you're serious and intent on it, I would think most spouses would do their best to be supportive. It almost sounds like to me, if your husband were to say "no, I don't approve", you'd drop your medical school dreams just like that. Valuing a relationship supposedly should go both ways! Like another poster said, it's not about the woman giving 100% and getting nothing in return. If the man values the relationship, he should also be prepared to be supportive in this situation.

Think about the reverse. How many MEN decide to just forego even *attempting* to pursue their dream careers because they're afraid it might strain their marriage ? I can't even think of anyone. It's great that you're so considerate and all... but sometimes I think it pays to be, and I don't think selfish is the right word here, perhaps ambitious works better.

No one questions the guy that says I want to be more than a husband and a father... I want to make something of myself and make an impact out in society. I understand women are socialized to feel guilty for wanting the exact same thing... but that is so wrong. And it's especially wrong to perpetuate that by guilt-tripping other women. I'm sure she feels bad enough without other WOMEN ripping into her.

Ultimately, for me personally, I could not conceive of being with someone who did not respect my career goals enough to be supportive of me in that situation. I know of so many guys who WOULD be supportive in that situation, to the extent of even volunteering to work & pay for class tuition & freeing their spouse to study full-time. It just would boggle my mind to be with a guy who places so little importance on something I valued so deeply. Granted, all relationships are different. But the "dilemma" that is posed is just something so alien and incomprehensible to me. Yeah, an initial reaction of shock is natural. But if after a long, intimate discussion, my spouse was just completely unsupportive- even of my registering for one evening class, for example, I'd have to re-evaluate that relationship! Seriously.

Anyway, to the OP: you're at the perfect age. You're established in the job market so you have a way to feed yourself & support yourself while taking classes. That is Great! You're young and you don't have kids yet. The alignment of the planets is not going to get any better than this with the passing of years... this is not to say you should dive in head first. But if you are thinking of going for it, might as well get started soon! Start volunteering in some capacity. Maybe start with one evening class. You've got a younger sis who has been through it all and so you've got all her experience to help you out.

As for the part about not having people's support, I think really the first step is figuring out what YOU want. It seems like you're at that point where you're thinking about this, but haven't done enough exploration to commit yourself to it. For your husband to be convinced, or your family to be convinced, I would think you would first need to convince yourself. Having a support system is nice... but if the reason you really crave it is because you are totally uncertain yourself, then that's no good. You can't expect other people to give you the certainty or confidence in yourself if you don't already have it. Why not take an evening class? Discuss it with your husband and make sure you guys are on the same page at least... if a relationship can't even endure you going back to school to take one single class, then there is just something wrong with that relationship! But FIRST, decide for yourself what you want. It all starts with YOUR desire... that desire has to be strong and steady, or else that flame won't burn for long enough to get you through the many obstacles up ahead. Good luck!

Well, well said - I would have said the same exact thing. VERY GOOD ADVICE!!!!

 

[nontrdgsbuiucmd]

Thank you all again so much for all of your help & feedback! I have decided that I am going to start my classes next semester (missed the cutoff for Fall enrollment....grrr!). In the meantime, I am going to be a ED and hospice volunteer. My husband is coming around as well. As someone above mentioned, he is not "rah-rah" about it, but is willing to support me in the classes and see where that takes me. Thanks again to everyone and best of luck to you all!!!

Hey - if classes haven't started, or if they just recently started, (like the past few days) you can likely still enroll this semester; I'd enrolled in two full classes last semester by speaking with the instructor, showing up at class, & hoping other students dropped (which some always do). If the rules say you can't enroll due to missing a deadline, I'd speak with a dean to get an exception, they tend to be reasonable about this, especially if one has a good GPA already and would be a good addition to the school/class.

I'd not advise this if they're more than a few days into the semester, but it seems the first day of class, in general, not much important stuff is actually done. good luck!

ps be prepared..I decided to go this route after running a service business w/heavy customer contact for years. I found sitting in a library studying alone for many hours to be the antithesis of what I wanted (patient contact & interaction), and it took effort to stay focused on memorizing physics and ochem stuff that seemed so far from medicine. But in retrospect, it's a means to an end (gotta know that material to ace the MCAT, which serves to weed out the uncommitted)