Hi. English is not my native language. Sorry for grammatical errors.
It's late night here, I can't sleep. So I decided to write this.
Sorry for take your time. I'm not seeking some magical advice. i know such things don't exist.
But I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Please don't judge me. I know that I have a life that so many people would like to have. But I can't take it anymore.
I have 23 years and graduated in medical school few months ago.
I've been treating depression for a long time (~8 years). During the last 2 years of graduation I had a pretty bad fall. For several times I thought in suicide. i have never tried because I don't have the guts to do so.
My family is really supportive, though I rarely speak with them about my problems. I live alone in another city.
They found a very good psychiatrist for me, in a time that I almost couldn't leave home...
Today, I use 4 medications. The symptoms decreased a lot. At least, I have energy to get up, do things, take care of my patients, study. I don't have suicidal thoughts for a while. But my life is meaningless.
I don't feel pleasure in anything. I don't want to be a doctor. I have fear about my future.
I Always was 1 in class. High grades, plenty of extracurricular activity, published some medical papers with teachers. Patients seem to like me and my work. But I feel unhappy and without a purpose.
I don't know why I choose medicine... Back there, seemed a good carrier. Very difficult, but I always liked challenges. During graduation, apparently, I was liking what I was doing. Well, in the last 2 years I have absolute no idea what happened, but I can't stand this routine anymore.
I'm sad, don't know what to do. My parents payed my bills until now. I can't leave my graduation bills for them to pay. Also, everyone expects so much about me... I wouldn't know how to tell them that I'm dropping medicine. I don't have any other profession in mind. I just don't feel that I'm in the right place doing the right thing. I used to like medical research, neuroscience, technology. I lost pleasure in everything.
Public health in my country is at a critical moment. Never in the history medicine was so devalorized. Government don't give a **** about people health. Doctors are treated like dogs...I don't like to live here. But my English is far from good to try another country. I can't speak fluidly. Plus, it's not that simple... What would I do to pay my bills? It may me simple for some people, but I can't even make a plan...
To make things worse, I got addicted in Ritalin. My psychiatrist prescribed Ritalin because I had so much sleepiness, and modafinil simply didn't work for me. I didn't told her, but I use 10 times more than she prescribes me (I prescribe myself, and I know it's very wrong). I take between 8-12 cp day. i don't use it anymore to stay awake, neither to improve concentration (in fact, it has no impact in my cognitive abilities). I use it because of the pleasure it gives me 30 min after I take it. It's the closest sensation the I have of not being dying... It lasts only for 30 minutes. And each time, I must increase dosage, because of tolerance. As result, I eat very little and I keep losing weight (currently with 54kg -119 pounds). I know it's wrong. I know that I can't prescribe myself psychotropics. I know all the side effects. But I don't care anymore. Any minute away from my hideous life is precious to me.
i don't talk about myself with anyone. My psychiatrist knows the minimal amount of info to treat me. I have extreme difficulty to open myself and tell people how I feel. Also, most of them wouldn't understand. In fact, a lot o people can't understand why I'm so "depressed"... They say that I have everything that one could want. Young, Doctor, promising future, have a relative good income.
But yeah, I don't feel living this life is worth it. And I have no clue how to change it...
Any advice about what to do would be welcome. Please, just don't judme. It was a sacrifice to come here and write this. I couldn't do it in some national forum...
Sorry to bother you.
Regards.
L.
It's late night here, I can't sleep. So I decided to write this.
Sorry for take your time. I'm not seeking some magical advice. i know such things don't exist.
But I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Please don't judge me. I know that I have a life that so many people would like to have. But I can't take it anymore.
I have 23 years and graduated in medical school few months ago.
I've been treating depression for a long time (~8 years). During the last 2 years of graduation I had a pretty bad fall. For several times I thought in suicide. i have never tried because I don't have the guts to do so.
My family is really supportive, though I rarely speak with them about my problems. I live alone in another city.
They found a very good psychiatrist for me, in a time that I almost couldn't leave home...
Today, I use 4 medications. The symptoms decreased a lot. At least, I have energy to get up, do things, take care of my patients, study. I don't have suicidal thoughts for a while. But my life is meaningless.
I don't feel pleasure in anything. I don't want to be a doctor. I have fear about my future.
I Always was 1 in class. High grades, plenty of extracurricular activity, published some medical papers with teachers. Patients seem to like me and my work. But I feel unhappy and without a purpose.
I don't know why I choose medicine... Back there, seemed a good carrier. Very difficult, but I always liked challenges. During graduation, apparently, I was liking what I was doing. Well, in the last 2 years I have absolute no idea what happened, but I can't stand this routine anymore.
I'm sad, don't know what to do. My parents payed my bills until now. I can't leave my graduation bills for them to pay. Also, everyone expects so much about me... I wouldn't know how to tell them that I'm dropping medicine. I don't have any other profession in mind. I just don't feel that I'm in the right place doing the right thing. I used to like medical research, neuroscience, technology. I lost pleasure in everything.
Public health in my country is at a critical moment. Never in the history medicine was so devalorized. Government don't give a **** about people health. Doctors are treated like dogs...I don't like to live here. But my English is far from good to try another country. I can't speak fluidly. Plus, it's not that simple... What would I do to pay my bills? It may me simple for some people, but I can't even make a plan...
To make things worse, I got addicted in Ritalin. My psychiatrist prescribed Ritalin because I had so much sleepiness, and modafinil simply didn't work for me. I didn't told her, but I use 10 times more than she prescribes me (I prescribe myself, and I know it's very wrong). I take between 8-12 cp day. i don't use it anymore to stay awake, neither to improve concentration (in fact, it has no impact in my cognitive abilities). I use it because of the pleasure it gives me 30 min after I take it. It's the closest sensation the I have of not being dying... It lasts only for 30 minutes. And each time, I must increase dosage, because of tolerance. As result, I eat very little and I keep losing weight (currently with 54kg -119 pounds). I know it's wrong. I know that I can't prescribe myself psychotropics. I know all the side effects. But I don't care anymore. Any minute away from my hideous life is precious to me.
i don't talk about myself with anyone. My psychiatrist knows the minimal amount of info to treat me. I have extreme difficulty to open myself and tell people how I feel. Also, most of them wouldn't understand. In fact, a lot o people can't understand why I'm so "depressed"... They say that I have everything that one could want. Young, Doctor, promising future, have a relative good income.
But yeah, I don't feel living this life is worth it. And I have no clue how to change it...
Any advice about what to do would be welcome. Please, just don't judme. It was a sacrifice to come here and write this. I couldn't do it in some national forum...
Sorry to bother you.
Regards.
L.
