I just hate doing surgery

[overcastkidjuno]

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I'm in my 3rd year now so we are really getting into the thick of surgery. During 2nd year when we were practicing the skills I really struggled. I've always been really good at learning written material, I perform generally at the top of my class on most written exams. But in surgery I'm definitely towards the bottom. My dexterity and spatial awareness has always not been super great - I'm able to do basically all non-surgical procedures great and I can slowly but competently suture and ligature when needed. But the OR techniques feel nearly impossible for me to do right. I got yelled at so much in our draping lab last year that I left crying, and I failed the open gloving portion of the OSCE miserably. We also had an anesthesia lab where I panicked and blanked on everything and the professor noticed and repeatedly called me out in front of the group to answer every question. I'm not worried about making mistakes because I believe this is an important part of learning, but I can't really afford to make mistakes because of the humiliation / punishments / being mandated to master this to pass 3rd year. I'm still kept up at night by some of the humiliating incidents from 2nd year. They said I need to not demonstrate competency in surgical skills but MASTERY to pass.

Additionally, I find the whole atmosphere kind of unbearable. The tight gloves, face mask, and giant oversized bumbling gown make me want to strip naked and sprint out of the hospital to never return. The harsh lights and constant grating noises make me feel nauseous and I have had to leave to throw up several times in the past. I'm not trying to use my autism as an excuse or anything but I'm sure it's not helping. I won't go into the fact that the program they're making me participate in for junior surgery I'm completely morally opposed to... Surgery lab is on Thursday morning and Wednesday nights I'm completely frazzled from distress. I want to be good at surgery but I feel so miserable the entire time it's happening because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and get lectured in front of my classmates for some mistake I make again. It's genuinely making me wish I could quit vet school so I never have to go in an OR again even though I know 100% this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I don't even have an issue with "surgery" itself. And we are only 2 weeks into 3rd year...

How do I stop being such an incompetent bumbling idiot in my OR techniques? How do I learn to cope with all the gear strapped to me? I've practiced to the point of insanity on these skills but I'm starting to think I just have something innately wrong with me because I'm still not up to snuff. I practiced putting on the gloves well over 50 times and every time is still the same because my fingers just physically can't make the motions to get them in without contaminating them. I'm so sick of this. 😿

 

[pp9]

I don't know that I have a ton of advice here, but just want to offer support. You don't have to like surgery to be a vet, and there are many vets out there in clinical practice that do no surgery (or dentals, even) whatsoever if that's what you wanted. If you do want to be doing surgery out in practice then you just need to find what works for you.

-If there are physical limitations that prevent you from putting gloves on, some sort of accommodation is in order (ie a sterile assistant helps you glove in, Grey's Anatomy style). Even without limitations, getting gloves on through the sleeves of your gown is annoying at best.
-For me, I've found that disposable gowns are much thinner, softer and far easier to put on/glove up in than the thicker (borderline canvas material) reusable gowns. If you can get a hold of one of those, try it and see if you agree and then ask for that to be used during labs and practicals for you. They are also much lighter and you 'feel' them less.
-There are different materials/styles of gloves that feel and stretch differently (ie orthopedic-specific gloves are thicker and stiffer than standard surgical gloves). You might find that you do really well with a different material, ask your OR techs if they can give you a few different types to try out.
-Surgical gloves should be snug with no gaping, but if they are feeling tight/limiting movement and leaving indents in your hands outside of your gown cuffs/the wrist elastic, you're probably in the wrong size. But they can't be too big otherwise you lose dexterity and will end up cutting the fingertips off in surgery (this happened to me during my jr sx lab!).
-For noises - have you tried Loops earbuds? The downside is you have to tolerate wearing them, they're kind of pricy, and they don't mix well with a stethoscope. The upside is that they may be your saving grace, and you don't need a stethoscope when you're scrubbed in. I wore Loops a lot when I was in PP because the noise level was insane, and kept the little carrying case hooked onto my stethoscope so I could take them out easily. The current styles look bulkier than what I bought years ago, but I see people wearing them all the time so they must be comfortable.

Do you believe you are being singled out repeatedly in these group-learning settings? If so, that sounds like a bigger issue that needs to be brought to your school's attention.

 

[overcastkidjuno]

Thank you so much @pp9 ! I started practicing with some of the aids such as the different gown and glove materials and honestly found it has helped a lot in developing my skills. I think I was definitely wearing a size too tight before too and it was causing my fingers to get stuck in the palm. I'm still not great with my open gloving, but I think closed gloving is nearly to the competency I need. I really appreciate the help! It's given me more confidence and I think I really needed that to help get past the sort of mental block I've had. Before exams get too bad I'm trying to dedicate a lot of study time every day to practicing the skills so I can try to make the movements more natural.

I have Loop earplugs I use for sleeping, I never thought about using them for class before but that is such a good idea. I have a pair of the "experience" I used when coaching lacrosse so I will definitely try them out in my next lab on Thursday!

I don't think they're singling me out honestly, I think I just keep making some more "beginner" or obvious mistakes so they like to point them out, sometimes as a learning opportunity for everyone or sometimes to say I should know better by this point I think. I'm just kinda sensitive I guess and it makes me super self conscious when they do and I get myself stuck in a cycle of more anxiety making me perform worse and yada yada.

 

[battie]

I also hate surgery. Mainly cause I'm not a fan of anesthesia. But also just don't like how nitty gritty detail orientated every single step is.

This is one of those times I say you be good enough to pass. Whatever that means to the school is good enough. When you get out in practice and get some serious / real mentorship in surgery, you can adjust. Maybe you'll still hate surgery and that's fine. You gave it a shot and that's what matters.