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- May 1, 2011
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I am nearing the end of my doctoral years now. I find that as I get closer to the end, I regret having done the PhD. For all the work that I have put into this, I am not sure I see the benefit. What is it that I can do that a MD with a research fellowship (before or after residency) cannot do? Sure, the MD may struggle in the initial years to establish an independent lab, but frankly so will I. For goodness sake, I am going to be years out from the lab (because of clinical years and residency). How does this help me become an independent scientist any faster? Even if it does, isn't the difference negligible? A matter of just a few years?
People have tried to console me lately with the idea that I will be more competitive for residency positions than my fellow MD-only applicants. But, I am not sure that there is any advantage that I will receive for doing my PhD when it comes to residency applications. In fact, some residency directors have given seminars at our program to let us know that the larger publication quantity of MD/PhDs is not compared on a one-to-one basis to the MD-only cohort. What this means is that MD/PhDs are compared to other MD/PhDs while MDs are compared to other MDs, in this regard. This makes logical sense, but also means that any perceived advantages I had compared to my MD-only classmates are non-existent.
I am also frustrated by the career-path being presented to me. When I started, I was under the impression that the 50-50 model for physician-scientists was possible. While there may be some individuals who accomplish this, it is evident to me now that many faculty are actually pushing us toward a 80 (research)-20 (clinic) or 100 (research)-0 (clinic) model. My years doing the PhD have convinced me that I absolutely do not want to pursue this route. If anything, I am leaning towards a 20 (research)-80 (clinic) model. I don't want my career beholden to the whims of the federal budget process. I also flatly enjoy patient interaction.
The frustrating thing is that I still enjoy science and I am excited by the process of discovery. I am naturally a curious individual and I don't think that will ever waiver. I just don't want to to have my paycheck depend on it. I hate to say it, but it almost feels like I want to do research as a hobby and to satisfy my curiosity. I still believe that there are branches of research that only physicians can do. Clinical research and translating ideas from the bedside to bench are examples of such. But my training has not been in this, as is the case for most MD/PhDs. We are trained as basic science PhDs first and foremost. In this aspect, the MD-only physician scientists may even have a leg up on us.
I just don't know. Maybe I will change my mind when I have been away from research. Right now, I am in the thick of things and everything maybe seems darker than it actually is. But for all the reasons above, and more, I keep asking myself, "Why the hell did I do this?"
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
People have tried to console me lately with the idea that I will be more competitive for residency positions than my fellow MD-only applicants. But, I am not sure that there is any advantage that I will receive for doing my PhD when it comes to residency applications. In fact, some residency directors have given seminars at our program to let us know that the larger publication quantity of MD/PhDs is not compared on a one-to-one basis to the MD-only cohort. What this means is that MD/PhDs are compared to other MD/PhDs while MDs are compared to other MDs, in this regard. This makes logical sense, but also means that any perceived advantages I had compared to my MD-only classmates are non-existent.
I am also frustrated by the career-path being presented to me. When I started, I was under the impression that the 50-50 model for physician-scientists was possible. While there may be some individuals who accomplish this, it is evident to me now that many faculty are actually pushing us toward a 80 (research)-20 (clinic) or 100 (research)-0 (clinic) model. My years doing the PhD have convinced me that I absolutely do not want to pursue this route. If anything, I am leaning towards a 20 (research)-80 (clinic) model. I don't want my career beholden to the whims of the federal budget process. I also flatly enjoy patient interaction.
The frustrating thing is that I still enjoy science and I am excited by the process of discovery. I am naturally a curious individual and I don't think that will ever waiver. I just don't want to to have my paycheck depend on it. I hate to say it, but it almost feels like I want to do research as a hobby and to satisfy my curiosity. I still believe that there are branches of research that only physicians can do. Clinical research and translating ideas from the bedside to bench are examples of such. But my training has not been in this, as is the case for most MD/PhDs. We are trained as basic science PhDs first and foremost. In this aspect, the MD-only physician scientists may even have a leg up on us.
I just don't know. Maybe I will change my mind when I have been away from research. Right now, I am in the thick of things and everything maybe seems darker than it actually is. But for all the reasons above, and more, I keep asking myself, "Why the hell did I do this?"
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
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