If you're married or in a serious relationship

Started by cozycleo
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cozycleo

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How has your spouse or significant other been about this whole thing? My husband has been practically bipolar about the idea. He's supportive, but worried. He wants me to go after my dream, but he also wants it to be a free ride. We keep having the same discussions over and over again. Everytime I think he's finally lightening up a bit, we fall back into the same old discussion.

It's driving me crazy! I haven't done a totally irresponsible thing since the day we met, yet now he's acting like I've gone completely mad. All he keeps talking about is the money. I admit things are tight, but we're not about to lose the house or anything like that.

He's freaking out big time. How do I calm his nerves about this? We don't have anyone we can relate to in either family on this. Nobody in either family has ever tried to do anything like this beyond engineering or nursing. I'm trying to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize, but I'm having a really hard time with his constant wigging out.

Advice?
 
cozycleo, fortunately, my husband was the one who encouraged me to pursue veterinary science, even though I was a graphic designer.

My husband just got a job very far away from any place that I have applied to. That means that we will be apart for almost 4.5 years starting now. I am so upset that I feel that maybe it is not worth my even trying to get into vet school. We will both have to get cars, rent apartments, plane tickets etc. It will be a financial burden, what with vet school fees.

My husband has not even once mentioned the expense but I feel tremendously guilty for both the expenses and the long distance that my going to vet school will incur on us🙁.
 
Sorry to hear that your guy is worried about the money. Everyone probably is (including me) but don't worry about it because there are loans and you'll be able to pay it off eventually. Just tell him that the majority of people go into vet school without having much money, and everything works out in the end for them. Let him know that this is a better path for you because you are pursuing a career that is in-demand and high-paying (for the most part).

My ex-boyfriend (I just broke up with him this fall) had never supported me throughout our 2.5 years together. He sometimes pretended to, but he never encouraged me to get experience with vets and animals and only complained about me never having enough time for him. He stated that "it's gonna stink when you get into vet school", etc.etc because it'd take away from time I could be spending with him. I can't be with someone who can't support me in my personal endeavors, especially something that REQUIRES so much of your time. Since he had no idea what career to choose (and being undecided major for a long time) he was jealous and never engaged in conversation with me whenever I talked about my future, applications, vet-related news, etc. Well, everyone else (friends and family) have supported me 100%.

But as for me ex, there were other problems. But when I thought about the fact that he hadn't supported me and probably wouldn't throughout my years in vet school and years actually in my career (not just a regular JOB!), I said... "BUH-BYE!"
 
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Something that may help you guys is to sit down and make a financial plan. How much everything is going to cost, how much is coming in, how much you'll have to get in loans etc. Maybe once it is black and white, you won't have to have the same conversation again and again.

Also, I think you can try and get scholarships. Our pre-vet club mentor said to look into the scholarships (book?) once you get into vet school because there are some scholarships that are offered in vet school that people never think of applying for.

What is your area of interest? I heard that they passed the veterinary student debt relief bill. If you were interested in underserved areas such as production animals you might be able to take advantage of that!
 
My husband is really excited about vet school. Although he doesn't always understand why I would want to go to vet school, he is still supportive and wants me to be happy with my career. We are also very excited about the possibility of moving, but we are both stressing a little about the current market situation and selling our house. With the market the way it is, it will be difficult to list our house in March and be able to move by August (or earlier if I get into UF). We know that we may have to rent it out until the economy is back on track, but for now, we are taking it one step at a time! Is anyone else is this situation? My husband also owns his own business, and we still havent really decided what to do about that when we move.

As for the money situation, I think everyone stresses out about student loans and paying them back, but look at how many people have done it before you! Just try to remind your husband that lots and lots of people have taken out student loans and paid them back, and that having a career in veterinary medicine will pay off in the long run!

Keep your head up and good luck! :luck:
 
I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband. We both knew when I got into an out-of-state school there would be a lot of sacrifices, and I often feel extremely guilty about the strain the distance puts on the relationship, as well as the financial burden. In the end we made the choices we made because we know we're a strong partnership (been together for 13 years), and while the next 4 years will be hard, we will keep busy doing the things we both love and see each other when we can. I wouldn't be able to do this without him.

It's definitely NOT easy, though...he just left yesterday after visiting for the weekend and I won't see him for another month🙁
 
Im sorry to hear about your troubles! I wont go into a long post about how fantastic my situation is, or how supportive my guy is (even though he's fabulous) because I know that's not what you want to hear.

My best advice is this. If money is a huge thing for him then try to reassure him about the finances. If you go to an instate school (I assume?) it will probably cost you around 60K for tuition for all four years (Im going off my instate for that number, CSU at 14k per year*s 4 years=56K). But as a vet, you'll be making at least 60K per year if not a heck of a lot more depending on what you decide to do. That's not a huge gamble financially at all.

When we purchased our house, the banks reccomended taking out a loan that was equal to or less than 3.5x's our annual salary...so in those terms, its not as big of a financial risk as it feels...especially if you have a two income household. It may take some saccrifices (for instance a new car is nowhere near my future...) but with some smart planning it is definately doable.

Believe me, Im as concerned as anyone else about the cost involved. But it also costs something not to go. Happiness, resentment, and dissatisfaction knowing you didnt follow your dream because of the finances. Those all take a toll and they are something you'll have to weigh into your decision.

On the upside, there are a BUNCH of scholarships and grants you can apply for while in school. Foundations as common as the AKC or Purina give away money to vet students every year. With some proactive thinking and a realistic plan, it's doable...and people do it every day. My best advice is to have an open, emotionless talk with him and adress all of his concerns. If, in the end, you guys cant come to an agreement, I guess you'll just have weigh everything out and decide what's best. Good luck to you!!
 
have you thought about therapy? a third set of ears can be really useful.
 
I also worry about this... I am currently a junior undergrad, where my boyfriend and I are already 4 hours apart. We've made it 2.5 yrs, but 4hrs isnt bad. Currently, I am looking at 4 years in the Air Force after undergrad (ROTC), where he will follow me. But after that, who knows? I am really interested in Ross U in St. Kitts, and fear that an off shore school will be my best chances for admission. But how can I expect him to follow me there? He needs to start his career sometime too. We'll both be 26 by the time vet school comes around, I worry that lives, careers, family, and money may strain that decision. 4 years with him in the Midwest and I in the Caribbean could be extremely tough..
 
Hi,

Just thought I should add my 2 cents.

I agree with another poster who said that it costs a lot to go to vet school, but it'll cost a lot more if you don't go, you might end up regretting it for a long time afterwards and feel resentful of the person who made you change your mind.

As for moving away from your significant other for vet school. It's hard, but it can be done, it just requires a lot of trust and a good phone plan. I've been with my bf for 5 years now and most of it has been long distance (as in 3 hour time difference 5 hour plane ride apart), he's pretty supportive of my decisions, but seems to change his mind sometimes and complains about how we won't be living in the same city until I'm done all my schooling. Oh well..some days are good and some are bad.
 
Thanks everyone. We had a heart-to-heart the other night and I think his nerves are calmed. Things have been a bit tense since I took a different job to focus on school and he's got a lot going on at his job. We've both been a little on edge. But we had a long talk and overall I think it went well.

My squirrel approves. 😀 Seriously, it's been a very long day, another death in the family, I thought some humor would be good.
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I chuckled at this. I just spent the summer working with squirrels, and released some in my backyard this week! Too funny!
 
Thanks everyone. We had a heart-to-heart the other night and I think his nerves are calmed. Things have been a bit tense since I took a different job to focus on school and he's got a lot going on at his job. We've both been a little on edge. But we had a long talk and overall I think it went well.

My squirrel approves. 😀 Seriously, it's been a very long day, another death in the family, I thought some humor would be good.
Click to expand...

I chuckled at this. I just spent the summer working with squirrels, and released some in my backyard this week! Too funny!

Sorry to hear about the death though.
 
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In all honesty, 4 years isn't terribly long in the grand scheme of things...and other jobs can create distance for the same length of time. My husband and I started dating in 2005. I worked for NOAA and went out to sea for 2-4 weeks at a time. I would call from the docks and say "i'll be gone for a few days" and he wouldn't hear from me for 4 weeks, and my parents would drive him nuts calling him. He insists vet school will be a breeze compared to that.

So, when I finished my NOAA job, we thought we would have time together. We were married a few months later...then his job with a Fortune 100 company (a familiar three-letter company) sent him out of town constantly. In the six months following our marriage we spent exactly 5 overnights together; he would arrive at the airport at 11pm, then fly to another city on the red eye the next morning. The stress was killing him.

Then, just to make matters worse, a fire took out the house we rented out in another state. I quit my job to repair/remodel the house. I moved 2.5 hours away for the next 3 months. Then, he was offered a job in Charlotte (14 hours away) with an immediate start date. He moved in June, I moved in October.

At least with vet school we figure that we can determine schedules and arrange to see each other.

As for finances, have you started looking at options such as doing a PhD combo that would provide for tuition and stipend? Or a contract with something like Banfield? Having a realistic financial plan might soothe his nerves, even if that plan includes loans and calculations of repayment based on average graduate income.

We can easily afford for me to attend vet school (shockingly, but mostly due to the house remodel/sale) but I am still looking at payment options including PhD programs and sponsors.
 
cozycleo said:
How has your spouse or significant other been about this whole thing? My husband has been practically bipolar about the idea. He's supportive, but worried. He wants me to go after my dream, but he also wants it to be a free ride. We keep having the same discussions over and over again. Everytime I think he's finally lightening up a bit, we fall back into the same old discussion.

It's driving me crazy! I haven't done a totally irresponsible thing since the day we met, yet now he's acting like I've gone completely mad. All he keeps talking about is the money. I admit things are tight, but we're not about to lose the house or anything like that.

He's freaking out big time. How do I calm his nerves about this? We don't have anyone we can relate to in either family on this. Nobody in either family has ever tried to do anything like this beyond engineering or nursing. I'm trying to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize, but I'm having a really hard time with his constant wigging out.

Advice?
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I have been almost exactly where you are. My husband (then fiancee) was supportive of me going to school but very worried about finances, stress, and distance taking a toll on our relationship. He now feels very differently and states that he would rather have a wife that has achieved her dreams and is content with herself than one who stuck around for him and let resentment build.
Unfortunatly you won't know how your relationship will respond to the stress of vet school until you are actually in it, but it can work out fine. What I did (and being different people than yourself and your SO take this with as much salt as you think its worth) was just listen to him vent his fears and just reassured him that as long as we kept communicating honestly about our feelings, we would deal with things one at a time as they came up. Hope this helps. Good luck with everything.
 
sumstorm said:
As for finances, have you started looking at options such as doing a PhD combo that would provide for tuition and stipend? Or a contract with something like Banfield? Having a realistic financial plan might soothe his nerves, even if that plan includes loans and calculations of repayment based on average graduate income.

We can easily afford for me to attend vet school (shockingly, but mostly due to the house remodel/sale) but I am still looking at payment options including PhD programs and sponsors.
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Err, combined PhD/DVM programs are not an easy way to get a free ride and stipend or a "payment option". They are designed for people with an interest in research, academia or clinical applications of research. I'd be wary of any adcom that lets someone into one of these programs without a significant amount of research experience and a (at least semi!) clear goal that requires such a degree. You damn sure have to enjoy scientific research, because really that's what a PhD is all about.

Not to mention that some schools will only pay for the PhD portion and not the DVM, some will require you to pay back some portion if you don't complete the PhD, some will only guarantee support for a certain number of years, and a number of other stipulations.

I don't know what your background is personally so I mean, if you want a PhD for an actual reason and think you're competitive for a VSTP program, then yeah by all means go for it! The field needs more people who are enthusiastic about research and teaching!! 🙂

I'm really just clarifying that it really isn't the type of thing that you should just advise jumping into to pay for your DVM when that's all you actually need.
 
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nyanko said:
Err, combined PhD/DVM programs are not an easy way to get a free ride and stipend or a "payment option". They are designed for people with an interest in research, academia or clinical applications of research. I'd be wary of any adcom that lets someone into one of these programs without a significant amount of research experience and a (at least semi!) clear goal that requires such a degree. You damn sure have to enjoy scientific research, because really that's what a PhD is all about.

Not to mention that some schools will only pay for the PhD portion and not the DVM, some will require you to pay back some portion if you don't complete the PhD, some will only guarantee support for a certain number of years, and a number of other stipulations.

I don't know what your background is personally so I mean, if you want a PhD for an actual reason and think you're competitive for a VSTP program, then yeah by all means go for it! The field needs more people who are enthusiastic about research and teaching!! 🙂

I'm really just clarifying that it really isn't the type of thing that you should just advise jumping into to pay for your DVM when that's all you actually need.
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👍 +1 nyanko

Same thing with the military. You HAVE to know what you're getting into. They tend to turn down a lot of people with no military experience or military experience in the family. Or so I hear...I think last year three people from our class applied for the scholarship and the only one who got it was the one who had been in the Army for like 8 years already. Same thing for research. You have to have serious undergrad research experience before a PI is going to turn you loose in their research lab as a grad student, particularly since grant money is so hard to come by. Washing dishes, autoclaving, making solutions, etc doesn't really count as serious experience. JMHO.
 
hmmm....didn't say it was easy. Also no idea about how research experience became 'washing dishes....'

However, from seminars with other pre-med/pre-vet students, I have realized that quite a few individuals DO have research experience. Some just because that experience helps them stand out, others because they attended colleges that require capstone experiences, and a host of other reasons. Many of these students never consider the option of joint programs, often because they don't know funding may be available. Others because there isn't a lot of discussion about joint programs.

I mention it because I wouldn't have known that it was a option coming out of undergrad. From my perspective, neither of my parents graduated from high school, and I was the first person in a large extended family to attend college, and I did graduate with a lot of research experience, enough to earn me an international fellowship for research. If you come from a background like mine, knowledge of options in higher education are limited, so it is worth putting it out there, in case this individual has that as an option.
 
Actually I am looking at a possible DVM/MPH program.

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and wisdom. Very much appreciated.
 
sumstorm said:
hmmm....didn't say it was easy. Also no idea about how research experience became 'washing dishes....'

However, from seminars with other pre-med/pre-vet students, I have realized that quite a few individuals DO have research experience. Some just because that experience helps them stand out, others because they attended colleges that require capstone experiences, and a host of other reasons. Many of these students never consider the option of joint programs, often because they don't know funding may be available. Others because there isn't a lot of discussion about joint programs.

I mention it because I wouldn't have known that it was a option coming out of undergrad. From my perspective, neither of my parents graduated from high school, and I was the first person in a large extended family to attend college, and I did graduate with a lot of research experience, enough to earn me an international fellowship for research. If you come from a background like mine, knowledge of options in higher education are limited, so it is worth putting it out there, in case this individual has that as an option.
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I did research when I was an undergrad and I got honors in my biology degree for it. Talking to many others who did "research" as an undergrad, the extent of most of their "research" was usually doing the bitch work (like washing dishes or making solutions) and maybe tagging along with a grad student to help on their projects. I'm not saying it's bad for undergrads to do (in fact, I loved having an undergrad minion in grad school, muhahaha! 😀) but it's NOT nearly to the same level of intensity or responsibility in grad school.

Ask anyone involved in research these days, funding is EXTREMELY hard to come by. My faculty adviser from grad school is on CNN, MSNBC, 20/20, etc etc regularly talking about bisphenol A as he's about the world's expert on it, but he's got almost no money right now. Many faculty members are obliged to pay lip service to allowing undergrads to do a research "project," but many are quite terrified that they will screw up. 🙄 Whether that's the right or wrong attitude is up to them, I suppose, but even though I got to run two fairly large projects by myself in undergrad, it's not the same as grad school. They even made a point of saying that on my interview for grad school as well that most undergrad research projects aren't much, to be honest. I was sorta shocked they said that at the time, but looking back, I see what they meant.
 
Electrophile said:
They even made a point of saying that on my interview for grad school as well that most undergrad research projects aren't much, to be honest. I was sorta shocked they said that at the time, but looking back, I see what they meant.
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I actually was told the same (by DVM adcom members and such), and my undergrad research was also independent and tough, and I wrote and defended an honors thesis on it. I was kinda steamed at the time, but yeah...it's definitely not the same as the kind of responsibilities I have now, and the amount of time and effort I put into it now.

Of course not all undergrad experiences are like this - my SO contributed some really good things to his field (computer science - specifically computer vision) during undergrad years (and was published for it multiple times and consequently sought after by a lot of grad schools), and I know people who did really really good stuff as an undergrad. But most of the time that isn't the case.
 
During freshmen orientation they told us that most of the people in our class that had significant others would break up. So far it's been true. No divorces (yet) but many relationships ended. With exception to the 4 or 5 people that got married this summer, most of the other relationships didn't work (even a few engagements were ended... well, at least one). It's definitely something you must consider.... don't think it can't be you (that's what my friends said 'yeah a lot of people will break up but it won't be me'). On the other hand there are a few people in our class (married or just serious) doing long distance relationships and it is working for them. Food for thought.
 
sofficat said:
During freshmen orientation they told us that most of the people in our class that had significant others would break up. So far it's been true. No divorces (yet) but many relationships ended. With exception to the 4 or 5 people that got married this summer, most of the other relationships didn't work (even a few engagements were ended... well, at least one). It's definitely something you must consider.... don't think it can't be you (that's what my friends said 'yeah a lot of people will break up but it won't be me'). On the other hand there are a few people in our class (married or just serious) doing long distance relationships and it is working for them. Food for thought.
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Wow, that's horrible. I wonder what the stats were on those that didn't make it v. those that did? (age, distance, length of time together, etc etc) Hehe, might make an interesting undergrad research project...
 
sofficat said:
During freshmen orientation they told us that most of the people in our class that had significant others would break up. So far it's been true. No divorces (yet) but many relationships ended. With exception to the 4 or 5 people that got married this summer, most of the other relationships didn't work (even a few engagements were ended... well, at least one). It's definitely something you must consider.... don't think it can't be you (that's what my friends said 'yeah a lot of people will break up but it won't be me'). On the other hand there are a few people in our class (married or just serious) doing long distance relationships and it is working for them. Food for thought.
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At one of my interviews, my interviewers made a big deal about this. It was kind of random because I didn't have an SO, they assumed I did because I was about to graduate from a small religious school known for its "ring by spring" tendencies. I assured them that there was no ring on my finger, but one continued to talk about how she broke up with her fiancee during vet school, how marriages will end, engagements will break off, etc.
 
I'm engaged right now and I'll be getting married this summer (which I am hoping will be the summer before vet school). Maybe I'm crazy, but I really think we have what it takes to last. But we are also both going in knowing that it is going to be really hard. So I'm hoping that will help...
 
I'm in the same boat elephante. We're just hoping we will live in the same place next year (he's applying to grad schools near the vet schools where I applied). and our wedding will be in June. I think I'd be a lot more worried if we hadn't been together for 7 years already (since I was 19!). But it still is scary.
 
I'll grant that anything is possible, but I honestly don't think we'll end up divorced over this. We are very committed to one another and always have been. I wouldn't be doing this if I really didn't think I had his support. I understand his financial concerns, and quite honestly I think it's normal given the huge debt burden we're looking at.

Anyway, we seem to be on the same page now. We both know sacrifices will have to be made, but it's for our future. He knows I was miserable working in law, and he wants me to succeed.
 
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Well it helps a little bit to be dating a vet 🙂 . However, it's still hard. He would have to relocate, which he said he wants to do, but i would never expect that of him. He's also got his own ambitions and things he wants to do - how could I ever stand in his way? The reality is, it may not work, but if it does, you know you'll be the type of couple that can handle anything life throws at you after that. 🙂
 
Just for what it's worth...

I spent 17 years with someone who didn't support my education goals, so am now a "non-trad". Luckily, I met someone who is so supportative of my vet school dream, he even looks for reference books for me at second hand stores!

Don't forget what made you decide to enter all of the craziness of the vet school "chase". If you are working harder on your relationship than your homework, you will fail - at both!

Take a good hard look at your life with and without your "other" as well as with and without a career as a vet. Are you hyperventalating in one or more of the situations? Then it's time for a change.
 
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