Interviewer: Tell Me Your Best Joke

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BMW M3

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A physician, a hospital administrator and an HMO president arrive at the Pearly Gates.

“Why should you be premitted entrance?” says St. Peter. “Some of your patients were not treated with great charity”. The physician,”Yes, I know some decisions seem questionable. But I did the best I could under very trying conditions. Too much was out of my hands”. “Yes, I know,” says Peter, “Come in faithful servant.

The hospital administrator,”Yes, I know some decisions seem questionable. But I did the best I could under very trying conditions. Too much was out of my hands”. “Yes, I know,” says Peter, “Come in faithful servant.

The HMO President, “Look, I know things can look bad. But someone had to made these decisions. I did the best I could under demanding conditions. You should see that”. “Yes” says Peter, “I do. Come in. But you can only stay for three days”.
Click to expand...

Let see what you guys got ... we could all use a good laugh.
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you’re the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren’t veterinarians".
 
:laugh: That reminds me of a shirt that a friend of mine (a veterinary student) has:
It has a silhouette of a German shepherd and the words: "Veterinarians do it doggy-style"
 
Members don't see this ad :)
Pick-up line: "If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes"
 
A doctor and a paramedic are both using the restroom. The paramedic finishes his business zips up and heads for the door. The doctor calls out, "You know in medical school they taught us to wash our hands after we went to the bathroom". The paramedic stops, turns and looks at the doc and goes "You know in paramedic school they taught us not to piss on our hands."
 
iceman77_7 said:
Pick-up line: "If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes"
Click to expand...
Nice.....that's my new away message on Yahoo :meanie:
 
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
 
WantsThisBad said:
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
Click to expand...


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
Q: What's the difference between an HMO doc and a seagull?
A: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.
 
Whats the difference between god and a surgeon?

A: God knows he's not a surgeon.
 
IRS Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what appears to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service, ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

The genie asks, "What do you have to lose? "You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy replies, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
 
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked on his finger.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
 
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a guy with two left feet walks into a shoe store looking for a pair of flip-flips.
 
LifetimeDoc said:
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked on his finger.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Click to expand...

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
WantsThisBad said:
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
...
...
...
Click to expand...

If I were the interviewer I would cut you off after the first sentence and admit you right there. That is a great way to start off a joke. Talking about a midget in Texas who complained that his testicles always ache.

:laugh:
:laugh:
 
JennSong said:
What does the chorda tympani and the vagina have in common?

They both provide taste to the anterior 2/3 of the tongue!
Click to expand...
Nice..... 👍
 
How come all of your funniest jokes are about medicine??

Here's one for the beer drinkers

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"
 
My all time favorite. Why ? I dont know

A: Knock Knock
B: Who's there
A: Interrupting Cow
B: Interrup...
A: mooooooooooooo
 
three jokes, two medical, one stupid kid joke:

#1: how can you tell the difference between a surgeon and an EM doc? when trying to catch an elevator with the doors closing, the EM doc puts his arm out between the doors, and the surgeon puts his head.


#2: a med student is walking through the woods one day on a brief study break. she hears "hey! hey! down here!" and looks down to see a frog. the frog says to her "i'm not really a frog, i'm a prince that's been turned into a frog, and i need a pretty lady to kiss me and turn me back. please kiss me and i promise you i will stay with you forever and you will have great wealth and stature as my queen..." the med student picks up the frog, takes it home, and sets it up in a nice terrarium. the next day, the frog says "hey, hey lady! why won't you kiss me and turn me back into a prince?" the med student replies "i'm a med student. i don't have time for a relationship, but a talking frog is cool."

#3: a sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. the bartender says "i'm sorry, we don't serve food here"

boooooooo
 
1-Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's sure getting hot in here." The other screams, "OH MY GOD, a talking muffin!

2-Q: How do you sell chicken to a deaf man?

A: HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN??!!!!!!!

3-Q: What do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic?

A: About halfway.

4-A guy goes to the Olympics and sees a man carrying a long pole.

The guy asks - Are you a pole vaulter?

The man replies - No I'm German - how did you know my name is Walter?

Thank you, thank you, have a good night
 
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking its crotch. One man goes “I wish I could do that!” and the other replies “Don’t you think you should pet him first?”
 
One-question IQ Test...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

























He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." If you got this wrong......you should not tell anyone.
 
It's the French Revolution, and three men are up for the guillotine one afternoon.

The first is a preacher. "Would you like to face up or down?" the executioner asks. The preacher replies, "I want to face up, towards God, whom I've served my entire life." The preacher gets into the guillotine, facing up. The blade is released and it doesn't drop! The crowd calls out that it's a miracle, and the preacher is set free.

The second to be executed is a surgeon. "Would you like to face up or down?" the executioner asks. The surgeon replies, "I've faced death my entire life, so I'll face it once more." He climbs into the guillotine, facing up. The blade is released and again, it doesn't drop! Again the crowd proclaims a miracle, and the surgeon is set free.

The third in line is an engineer. "Would you like to face up or down?" the executioner asks. "I've worked with machines all my life, so I'm not afraid to face this one," the engineer replies. He gets into the guillotine, facing up. "Wait a minute!" the engineer calls out. "I see the problem."
 
2 jokes:

1) Abe, an old penny pincher from way back, was dying. On his deathbed, peering up thru his cataracts, he asked, "Is my wife here?"

"Yes, I'm here next to you," she answered.

"And the kids?"

"We're here, Daddy," the youngest answered.

"Is the rest of the family here too?"

Around your bed," his wife assured him.

At that, Abe sits up and yells, "So why is the kitchen light on?"

2) What do you get when you cross a python w/ a porcupine? Ten feet of barbed wire.
 
how do you make a hormone?



dont pay her.


(not sure if its entirely appropriate for a med school interview)
 
What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

_____

In the back of an intro-biology class, a freshman sorority chick is rudely reading the newspaper.

As the professor is describing the constitution of semen, the young woman perks up an interrupts, "Sugar!? Sugar!? Then why doesn't it taste sweet!?"

After two seconds of dead silence, the entire class bursts out laughing. Chagrin, the girl turns bright red, quickly packs up her belongings, and heads for the door. As the girl is leaving, the professor responds, "because the taste buds for sweet are on the tip of your tongue...not the back of your throat."
 
Two of my favorites:

-What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
-walk him and pitch to the rhino

-What do you call cows masturbating in the pasture?
-beef stroganoff
 
A pirate walks into a bar. As he starts walking up, the barman notices that he has a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He can't help but stare, and blurts out "Hey, man you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants. Why is it there??? Doesn't it bother you?!?!" To which the pirate replies, "Yarr... It's drivin' me nuts!"
 
What's the difference between Englishman Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" and the Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud! Get offa ma ewe!"
 
A guy gets pulled over for speeding. The cop comes up and and asks for his license.
"I don't have it," says the driver.
The cop asks for his registration.
"I don't have it," says the driver, "And by the way, this is a stolen car and I have a dead body and illegal weapons in the back of the car.
The cop gets scared and decides to call for backup. The backup cop comes up to the car and asks for his license.
"Sure, here you go," says the driver, and he hands it to him.
The backup cop asks for his registration.
"Sure, here you go," says the driver, and he hands it to him.
"Hold on," says the backup cop, "That cop told me that you didn't have your license or your registration, and that this is a stolen car and you have a dead body and illegal weapons in the back of the car!"
"Yeah, I bet he also said I was speeding," says the driver.
 
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
 
seadizzle said:
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
Click to expand...
Along the same lines:
A proton and a neutron walk into a bar. They both order drinks. The proton pays his tab and the neutron asks the bartender "How much do I owe ya?"

The bartender replies "For you? No charge!"
 
seadizzle said:
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
Click to expand...

Another one along similar lines as this one:

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all in town for a conference, and they all happen to be staying at the same hotel. In the middle of the night, the engineer wakes up and smells smoke. Sure enough, he looks in the hall, sees the fire. He looks for a second longer, sees a fire hose, and immediately drenches the fire and goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist wakes up smelling smoke. He gets up, looks in the hall and the same fire must have restared, because it's in a blaze. He looks closely and sees the fire hose, sits down to calculate how to put out the fire with a minimum amount of water, and puts out the fire as efficiently as possible.

The same night, the mathematician wakes up smelling smoke and goes out into the hall. He sees the fire blazing again, and looks around a little more. He then sees the fire hose and immediately declares "Ah! A solution does exist!" and goes back to bed.



A little less clean:

One day bob looks over at his neighbor washing his car, and notices that it's all dented up and there is grass, mud, and blood all over the place. "Hey dan, what'd you do to your car?" he asks. "Ahh... it was terrible, I hit a lawyer on the way home from work today. " he replies.

"Well, that explains the blood and dents, but how'd you get all that grass and mud all over the place?" Bob inquires. "I had to chase him through the park first."


And even less clean:

One day two long lost friends run into eachother and decide to have lunch the next week. Upon showing up for the appointment, each observes that the other's left eye is all bruised and swollen. "Wow, what a coincidence. How'd you get your black eye Dan?"

"Aww, it was this weird tounge twister thing. I was at the ticket teller the other day and what I meant to ask for was a 'Ticket to Pittsburgh' but the teller was the gorgeous blond with an amazing rack, and what I accidentally said was 'could I get a picket to tittsburgh' and she straight out decked me."

"How ironic!" declares Bob, "mine was all due to a tounge twister too! The other day I was having breakfast with my wife and what I meant to say was 'Honey could you please pass me the wheaties' but what I accidentally said was 'You fvcking b1tch you're wrecking my life..."
 
Here are some random ones

"Are you a derivable function? Cuz I'd love to be tangent to your curves"
_____________
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live?. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
____________

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's stomach, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
______________
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

"Wow, how did you guess?" asks the male doctor.

"I didn't feel a thing."
____________________
 
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