Is being a mom really that hard?

[murfettie]

It seems the people I personally know find it difficult, but not bone crushing hard.
What aspects of motherhood do you find most difficult?
Why?
It's something I think about sometimes but sometimes people make it out like it's going to be harder than sainthood...

edit: I'm asking this question to strangers because I often feel a cognitive dissonance between the media portrayal of motherhood and my personal experience with the women in my life.

My own mom and my other female relative's lives are filled with children and pretty demanding careers, with several PhD's between my aunts. My mom is a doctor, my grandma retired as a physics professor
One of my aunt moved onto wall st. after getting a PhD in physics. She said she doesn't have huge ambitions at her job. She does her job well, study hard for new things, go to work on time, and come home before 6PM with the kids- she keeps getting promoted and raises. My other aunts make similar comments about their career and children: Neither kids nor work are easy, being in the office all day is annoying, but things are pretty smooth. All my cousins are very interesting smarties. (We are an immigrant family)

Then I heard people debate and scream that being a career woman with children is the hardest thing, then I hear "being stay at home mom is the hardest thing" a day later from random media outlet. I guess the theme I glean from both camps is - being a mom is the hardest thing, ever, whether you have a W-2 or not.

--- So, i just wanted to see what real people think about this, not the TV people.

---

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[canjosh]

I'm an involved Dad...the first 3-6 months are absolutely exhausting depending on your support and your particular child. After that, both you and the kid will hopefully be in a workable routine. That said, parenting will probably be the most difficult thing you've done in your life...but it is not impossible. There are definitely 'bone crushing' days and nights, but you tend to forget them as time goes on. Hopefully, you have more good days than bad.

Now, hopefully some mothers will chime in...since there is no way I could possibly know what I'm talking about with that Y chromosome and all.

 

[beckhunter116]

I'm not sure if you are asking about parenthood in general or parenthood as a medical student/resident/attending.

If it is the later then you may want to spend some time reading over here:
http://www.mommd.com/

Hope this helps!

 

[sgtbrushes]

Well, I'm a dude, and I don't have children, so I won't speak too much on this topic, but I live 5 miles away from a 1- and 4-year old nephew. And they are awesome. I love playing with them, and running around outside, and pushing them on the swings and stuff. Being an uncle is the best. Being a parent, however, is different. When you are a parent, your kids have no "off" button. I think that is what makes it the most difficult.

Your infant doesn't care if you have strep throat and an o chem test the next day; he will still soil himself every two hours.

 

[ForrestG]

I don't find it bone crushing difficult. I have a 12 & 5 yr old boy. The second one is kind of a turd, but the first one was very easy (less-so now that puberty is around the corner). I don't struggle too much with balancing parenting and working, personally, but I've been doing it since I was 19. . .

I also have a husband who is an equal participant in the child-rearing, and my parents are less than a mile away. Do not underestimate the benefit of relatives nearby!

 

[dotdash]

I would say that being a mom (or dad) is not inordinately hard; being a primary caregiver is generally hard. Of course that varies depending on how many and what kind of kids you have, the time and effort you put into it, the other resources you have available to you, the degree of spousal support, etc. On the one end, celebrity moms with three nannies per child; on the other end, single working moms with autistic kids.

But in general, yes, being the primary caregiver for children can be extremely challenging, both in terms of physical stamina (but that's mostly at the beginning) and in terms of emotional demands. Ask your own moms, and people you know who do it full time. I can say that out of all the jobs I ever had, including my PhD, being a fulltime caregiver has been hands-down the hardest. My work now is a breeze, comparatively speaking.

I should say that my experience, while I believe it to be within the normal range, won't be everyone's. Some have easier kids, more help, worse jobs, who knows...

 

[Catalystik]

What aspects of motherhood do you find most difficult?

When you are a mother in a career pipeline, the most difficult tasks are coordinating care among all parts of your support system, instituting backups in case one person fails, making time to be part of the child's nurturing team, and convincing yourself that you needn't feel guilty for splitting your attention with your career goals. Good time management is key here, and if you're going to have a doctorate level career, you're already good at that anyway. I had three children, 2.5 years apart, one during residency, one while doing shift ER work, and the last while in private practice. Somehow, it all worked out.

 

[EdLongshanks]

Having taken the position that parenting is not that hard in another thread. I'd like to tell the other side of the story.

After the first few weeks, a baby demands regular, though not constant attention. If he is spoiled to being carried and you give in to it, you will never be without him in your arms. But if you give him regular attention and ignore his demands for inordinate attention, he and you will have a very nice time. This is the golden time before the horror begins.

Because a toddler can never get out of your sight. My wife and I had 3 toddlers at once. 1,2 & 3 years old. If they got out of bed before we did, then they would get into the kitchen and do horrible things. Throw the cereal everywhere, spread Criscoe on the floor, break all of the eggs against the cabinet, break the cabinet doors. Once they start to talk they will talk, and talk, and talk. On the other hand they are the funnest creatures ever to live. This is the time of life when they are most like to run up to you, throw their arms about you and say "I love you soooooo much"

The early and middle school years are another golden time. You're still the biggest authority in their life. They will accept the friends that you allow them to be with and most of their day is spent somewhere else. Helping with their school work is simple and they accept restrictions because they know that they aren't ready.

Teenage years can be challenging. I'm at the tail end of my kids, and sometimes I just want to sit down and cry. My opinions are wrong, wrong, wrong. They choose their own friends and you have only minimum ability to keep them away from troublemakers. You can, with maximum effort, tell them "No", but you'll have to repeat it several hundred times and back it up with threats that can be carried out if necessary.

One time my 19 year old daughter went out on a date with a guy that I didn't know. They went to a late movie and didn't come home till well after midnight. She didn't answer her phone, despite the fact that we called dozens of times. She had left it on silent and didn't see the flashing light or feel the vibration in her purse. I panicked and was on the phone to the police before we finally got into contact.

None of us got much sleep that night. It's a good thing that I did not have a test the next day, I was not in a clear frame of mind.

In some sense this is "hard", in the sense of frustration and worry. It isn't hard in the sense of back-breaking labor or unappreciated work. Your children will love you and return your affection, but conflicts are inescapable.

 

[gabeva]

Well being a mom is not easy, but it's not as hard as some people may describe it. It also depends on the person's own qualities. If you're hardworking individual who does well without full 8 hours of sleep, it should not be that bad. But if you are a whiner and selfish person, then being a mom might be ten times harder. It is all about how you perceive your life. I know mothers who complain non-stop, and moms who say that motherhood is easy.

 

[dotdash]

Well being a mom is not easy, but it's not as hard as some people may describe it. It also depends on the person's own qualities. If you're hardworking individual who does well without full 8 hours of sleep, it should not be that bad. But if you are a whiner and selfish person, then being a mom might be ten times harder. It is all about how you perceive your life. I know mothers who complain non-stop, and moms who say that motherhood is easy.

You don't think that the qualities of the children, the home, the spouse, the other stresses in their lives have anything to do with how hard people find motherhood? And everyone who finds it hard is a "whiner"? Wow. How many kids do you have, out of curiosity?

The larger issue isn't that caregiving is *that* hard -- Good Lord, women have been doing it since the dawn of time -- it's that it's harder than a lot of other jobs one can do.

 

[Trismegistus4]

But in general, yes, being the primary caregiver for children can be extremely challenging, both in terms of physical stamina (but that's mostly at the beginning) and in terms of emotional demands. Ask your own moms

My own mom says that the happiest time in her life was when I was a baby. She says she loved being a housewife and it was all she ever wanted to do. Once all 3 of us were in school, she had time in the middle of the day to go to aerobics classes, garden, and sit around and read novels, and still kept the house spotless and had dinner on the table every evening. She hated it when money got tight and she had to get a part-time job.

Count me in the skeptics' camp with all this "being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world" business.

 

[ForrestG]

You don't think that the qualities of the children, the home, the spouse, the other stresses in their lives have anything to do with how hard people find motherhood? And everyone who finds it hard is a "whiner"? Wow. How many kids do you have, out of curiosity?

I think you got it backwards. She said, "But if you are a whiner and selfish person, then being a mom might be ten times harder." Not if you think being a mom is hard, you are a whiner.

If the MOM is a spoiled brat, having kids, and thus having attention pulled away from the MOM's needs, is going to make motherhood suck for her.

Also - I'm not the dissenter who wrote the above, but of course the qualities of the children, home, spouse, and life stress DO matter for how hard motherhood is, but I think there's a line somewhere where it stops being motherhood that is difficult, and is just that life is difficult. What I'm trying to say is that so-and-so's life isn't hard because she birthed children and must raise them, it's hard because she married someone with a $20k/yr job. . .With that situation, her life would be hard with or without the j-o-b of raising kids. . .(I think we basically agree.)

 

[dotdash]

Such an interesting thread and of course everyone has different opinions based on their own experiences.

The only point I would like to reiterate is that just because motherhood can be demanding and kids can push every emotional button you ever had and it's difficult to balance work and family -- all that doesn't mean it doesn't add joy and love to every single day. My mother said she enjoyed that time of her life more than any other, but I don't kid myself that we were an easy brood to raise. And while I count myself an extremely lucky woman to have children and be able to spend time with them, I don't kid myself that the sailing is smooth all the time. Yes, it's life. L'chaim.

 

[murfettie]

When you are a mother in a career pipeline, the most difficult tasks are coordinating care among all parts of your support system, instituting backups in case one person fails, making time to be part of the child's nurturing team, and convincing yourself that you needn't feel guilty for splitting your attention with your career goals. Good time management is key here, and if you're going to have a doctorate level career, you're already good at that anyway. I had three children, 2.5 years apart, one during residency, one while doing shift ER work, and the last while in private practice. Somehow, it all worked out.

Extended families are pretty awesome for this purpose.
I was at various grandparents and aunts/uncles houses when my mom is working overnight at the hospital and my dad is overseas.
Sometimes, my mom would ask one of her cousins to come to our place and spend the night there with me. She lets me stay up and watch horror movies....
It was fun. It was like a little break from my mom and getting to know other adults beyond my parents was interesting for me as a child as well.

Working moms needn't feel so guilty about split attention, your child needs a break from you too. They learn things from other adults as well.

 

[doctorhouse]

It seems the people I personally know find it difficult, but not bone crushing hard.
What aspects of motherhood do you find most difficult?
Why?
It's something I think about sometimes but sometimes people make it out like it's going to be harder than sainthood...

edit: I'm asking this question to strangers because I often feel a cognitive dissonance between the media portrayal of motherhood and my personal experience with the women in my life.

My own mom and my other female relative's lives are filled with children and pretty demanding careers, with several PhD's between my aunts. My mom is a doctor, my grandma retired as a physics professor
One of my aunt moved onto wall st. after getting a PhD in physics. She said she doesn't have huge ambitions at her job. She does her job well, study hard for new things, go to work on time, and come home before 6PM with the kids- she keeps getting promoted and raises. My other aunts make similar comments about their career and children: Neither kids nor work are easy, being in the office all day is annoying, but things are pretty smooth. All my cousins are very interesting smarties. (We are an immigrant family)

Then I heard people debate and scream that being a career woman with children is the hardest thing, then I hear "being stay at home mom is the hardest thing" a day later from random media outlet. I guess the theme I glean from both camps is - being a mom is the hardest thing, ever, whether you have a W-2 or not.

--- So, i just wanted to see what real people think about this, not the TV people.

Yes, it is hard work. No one can "have it all". Sacrifices are made whether it's less time with the kids, less time at work, skipping your kids' recitals, getting a babysitter more often, becoming sleep deprived while getting up nights for the baby and being tired on the job.....unless they get help from other family members or outside the family. Of course, it can be done, but to think being a parent is easy is quite naive.

 

[punkiedad]

Mobility. Once the kids have mobility, everything changes.
The good times are the best thing in the world.....the bad are the worst.

Don't get too high on the highs nor too low on the lows.

It can be done......at least I still think so 😉

 

[EdLongshanks]

. What I'm trying to say is that so-and-so's life isn't hard because she birthed children and must raise them, it's hard because she married someone with a $20k/yr job. . .With that situation, her life would be hard with or without the j-o-b of raising kids. . .(I think we basically agree.)

I think that you hit the nail on the head with talking about LIFE being hard. Children just magnify the difficulties. I've mentioned that I once lived in a cardboard box, and that was hard. But, frankly, it isn't the worst time I've ever experienced. I had only myself and as long as I had shelter, food, a blanket, and a place to shower, I was going to be ok. A worse time of my life was when I was the single earner for the home. The pipes froze in the leaky house. My wife was cold and the baby was unhappy. Now THAT is hard. I've spent every winter since then thanking God for warm running water.

 

[jinx520]

I think that what makes any job hard depends on how any given individual defines "hard". For me personally, the sucky parts about being a SAHM include a lack of intellectual stimulation and a sense of monotony. What sucks about being a working mother is not having enough hours in the day to get everything done to my standards. Are any of these issues bone-crushing? No, just another annoyance to be dealt with.

But what makes motherhood the hardest job I've ever had is the fact that these little people, whom I love more than life itself, are my responsibility. My job is to raise them to be responsible, loving, and well-balanced adults, which of course means I have to be one myself. Believe me, this doesn't come easy for me. Every moment is an opportunity to teach my kids how to make good choices, how to live a full life...my tendencies to be impulsive, unkind, irresponsible, must be tamed in order for me to set a good example for them.

Every night I go to bed hoping that I did a good enough job, or kicking myself if I had a bad day. Or worrying that I'm not doing enough about global warming, or how the world would be when they grow up, or how I can balance keeping them safe and teaching them how to fly.

THAT is what I find bone-crushing--wanting to make this world a perfect place for my kids and knowing that I can't; knowing that adversity will build their character but having to hold their hand when they go through it rather than bearing it for them. And although it is the hardest job, it is, bar none, the best job I've ever had.

 

[Trismegistus4]

For me personally, the sucky parts about being a SAHM include a lack of intellectual stimulation and a sense of monotony.

The lack of intellectual stimulation thing is another SAHM-related complaint I've never gotten. I've worked a variety of jobs, from manual labor to corporate IT, and am now in 3rd year of medical school seeing patients every day, and I have never found any of these experiences remotely intellectually stimulating. The workplace is a positively intellectually stultifying environment, and IMO you get a thousand times more intellectual stimulation from reading a good book (which a SAHM has time to do) than you do in an office.

 

[jinx520]

Wow, if you can get more intellectual stimulation from talking to toddlers than from your third year of med school, your kids must be prodigies. You can read a good book whether a SAHM, working, or in school, but time is definitely an issue there. There may be people out there who manage their time better than I do, but with two toddlers, "quiet time" is when somebody is cracking eggs into the floor vent or squirting a whole can of mousse on the keyboard. I've been trying to read 'Zen and the Brain' for a while now--I figure I'll finish chapter 1 by next year.

 

[Crelal]

I have a friend who once said "any idiot can be a parent, that's biology. To be a good parent is the difficult part". Well said. You can parent from a couch and make sure your child is fed, bathed, and receives medical attention when needed. Or you can be an active member of their lives, get down on the floor and play with legos, Dora, or whatever else is the toy of the moment. You can get outside and do stuff with your kids, or you can stay inside and do nothing.

I have three small children, and yes, med school + kids is hard. But I wouldn't change it for the world; I have an outlet which keeps me from obsessing about school, grades, exams, etc. I have wonderful kids (not teenagers, yet 😉) who make me proud, laugh, and cry.

Most important to me is staying on top of what's going on- we totally missed the family picnic and registration day for my oldest's new school b/c it was my first week of classes, and my mind was elsewhere. But we made parent teacher conferences and open house.

It's a trade off, and the biggest part, IMHO, of being a mom and having a career, is accepting that you are not superwoman.

 

[ShyRem]

Well said.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

i have said it many times to friends, but your child will bring you more joy and happiness than you can imagine. they will also bring more stress and headache than you can imagine.

 

[EBAMom]

I second a lot of what was said above. The difficulty of parenting is highly dependent on the parent, the child, how much your spouse participates, and how well you deal with stress and the unexpected. As for me, I have an awesome husband, a child who at least wants to cooperate (he's 2), and I tend to roll with everything that happens, making it easier to cope on days when I have an O Chem test the next day, my son and husband have the flu, and everything feels like its going down the tubes. Mostly, being a parent has been an incredible ride - I enjoy my son's company and taking him to do things. I've had to find ways to divide study time and family time, because a 2 year old just knows that mommy's home and wonders why I'm not playing with him. Mostly, the last two years of school have been fairly easy with balancing family and school, but this last semester, I've done this same balancing act while also being pregnant, which has made things substantially harder. Dealing with morning sickness, exhaustion, exams, 2-year old temper tantrums, child care issues, and other unforeseen circumstances has quickly made this last semester my most difficult so far.

So, while being a parent can be great most of the time, its important to remember that having children introduces a lot of opportunity for things to go awry. If your kid gets sick and can't go to daycare, who covers? If you're pregnant and suffering from major morning sickness, how do you rearrange your life to minimize the effects of your pregnancy on the rest of your life? Its one thing to spend hours in the bathroom, its quite another when you think about what you miss while you're sick. Its the unpredictability of the situation that makes it the most difficult for me.

 

[yadayadadude]

The short answer is, no.

The long answer is, it depends.

Basically the poster above me has it right. Being the mother to one or two mellow/happy/healthy kids with a partner who pulls his own weight isn't anything like bone-crushing. I'm an intern in internal medicine and the mother to a toddling boy. As it happens, my kid is chill and sweet; more to the point, he doesn't have special needs/developmental delay/chronic health problems. My husband is a phenomenal hands-on dad who works at a flexible (albeit full-time) job. We have plenty of money for household help and top-notch childcare and my life (by design) is logistically uncomplicated. Being a mom like this is a snap. Easy as pie. It's by far the best, most hilarious, most joyful thing I've ever done.

Having said that, I can certainly imagine scenarios in which it might be bone-crushing to be a mother. Large brood of kids, no spousal support, no money ... throw in a few special needs or medical problems. It could get bone-crushing pretty fast.

PS. To the poster who thinks being a SAHM is more intellectually stimulating than being a third year medical student, you kill me. I've been laughing all morning at that. Seriously, you slay me.