MD Light at the end of the tunnel

[DarkBluMage]

Just looking for some insight from people that have started families during residency. If I stick with my chosen specialty I won’t be finished with residency/fellowship until I’m 39. The thought gives me anxiety/fear because I want a family. I keep hearing about 80hr work weeks in residency and not being able to be an active parent for those who have kids and basically relying on the spouse to care for the kids mostly. How realistic is it to be able to date/start a family in residency and actually be an active parent? I can’t imagine waiting until 40 since that pretty much dashes my chances of having kids and I’m honestly tired of putting my life on hold for education. Currently single and focusing on making it through med school.

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[Starbuxian]

I know many residents and fellows start a family before they get through. If a family is important, there is no need to wait until you start work. Heaven knows we sacrifice a lot but the gains are well worth the pains (so I hear! LOL).

You will have to have some honest conversations with your partner and perhaps make some trade-offs. For example, s/he can take a short career pause while the kids are young and you're still in residency/fellowship.

And many have babies in their 40s these days. Just FWIW.

 

[mistafab]

You can have kids anytime. Life is about choices and priorities. If it is a priority for you, make it happen. Get a partner on the same page and you’re golden.

 

[TragicalDrFaust]

I’m a third year medical student. My wife and I plan to start a family when I begin residency. after much discussion, we decided imperfect conditions (busy, resident salary) are far preferable to delaying or forgoing, based on our priorities.

I have several classmates who were pregnant or had pregnant patterns during medical school.

I have no advice on dating. I think it will depend on your gender and orientation. As a lgbtq woman, I strongly considered waiting until I was an attending and marrying someone younger and with fewer professional responsibilities to help care for kids. Im not sure if this option is as feasible or attractive for straight women.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

I think that part of being a physician is becoming comfortable with the fact that you WILL miss out on important events, milestones etc. but just being there when you can. I know that you mentioned that you’re interested in surgery, so this is even more so the case (based on what attendings have told me). You can be a good parent, but there’s no way you’ll be able to pick them up from school everyday, make every game/concert, be there for every important milestone.

 

[DarkBluMage]

I know many residents and fellows start a family before they get through. If a family is important, there is no need to wait until you start work. Heaven knows we sacrifice a lot but the gains are well worth the pains (so I hear! LOL).

You will have to have some honest conversations with your partner and perhaps make some trade-offs. For example, s/he can take a short career pause while the kids are young and you're still in residency/fellowship.

And many have babies in their 40s these days. Just FWIW.

Thanks for the insight. Idk how willing a guy would be to pause his career so we could have kids and I know it’s harder for women to have kids in their 40s though many do it. I honestly don’t want to marry someone just to end up not even being able to spend time with them or not be able to actually raise/parent my kids like they deserve. I don’t see the point in building a family that you can’t even spend time with and I feel like it’s not fair to put the burden of parenting on one person for so many years. I couldn’t live with myself if I was basically an absent parent in the home. Guess that means it’s not realistic. Lmbo how depressing

 

[ChordaEpiphany]

I think that part of being a physician is becoming comfortable with the fact that you WILL miss out on important events, milestones etc. but just being there when you can. I know that you mentioned that you’re interested in surgery, so this is even more so the case (based on what attendings have told me). You can be a good parent, but there’s no way you’ll be able to pick them up from school everyday, make every game/concert, be there for every important milestone.

You're not wrong, but let's not normalize this. There's no real reason why most attendings shouldn't have control of their hours. Our culture perpetuates this, and we should stop acknowledging it as anything other than an unfortunate reality that needs to change.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

I mean if you don’t normalize to some extent there will need to be more physicians (ie residency expansion) to be able to cover everything and salaries will plummet.

 

[LunaOri]

Thanks for the insight. Idk how willing a guy would be to pause his career so we could have kids and I know it’s harder for women to have kids in their 40s though many do it. I honestly don’t want to marry someone just to end up not even being able to spend time with them or not be able to actually raise/parent my kids like they deserve. I don’t see the point in building a family that you can’t even spend time with and I feel like it’s not fair to put the burden of parenting on one person for so many years. I couldn’t live with myself if I was basically an absent parent in the home. Guess that means it’s not realistic. Lmbo how depressing

I know several women surgeons who have families. All have husbands who were stay-at-home dads or worked from home.

 

[wondervisions]

Honestly sounds like you shouldn't do surgery.

 

[DarkBluMage]

Honestly sounds like you shouldn't do surgery.

Do you have anything to add regarding my question?

 

[DarkBluMage]

I know several women surgeons who have families. All have husbands who were stay-at-home dads or worked from home.

That’s interesting, maybe guys are getting more comfortable with being a stay at home parent.

 

[LunaOri]

That’s interesting, maybe guys are getting more comfortable with being a stay at home parent.

There are definitely men who value family above career. My husband was able to work evening shifts for a few years, and I worked part time for my first few years as an attending. While our careers might have suffered somewhat, we did both eventually reach director-level positions. You just have to decide what is important enough to sacrifice for.

 

[Feria32]

I agree with many of the posts here: if family is a priority then you will find the time and means to create one. As someone with three children starting in second year of medical school, it is certainly possible with the right partner and perspective. It requires sacrifice, living within financial constraints, and living more intentionally. It does mean missing out on events and opportunities that are more readily available to those with more free time, discretionary income, and fewer responsibilities, but I frequently hear from colleagues how they have wanted to start a family but just haven’t made the jump yet. I wouldn’t trade having my family for anything else, but I always knew I wanted to have a family and sooner rather than later. Time will pass whichever way you choose to use it. spend it on things that are truly important to you.

 

[DarkBluMage]

I agree with many of the posts here: if family is a priority then you will find the time and means to create one. As someone with three children starting in second year of medical school, it is certainly possible with the right partner and perspective. It requires sacrifice, living within financial constraints, and living more intentionally. It does mean missing out on events and opportunities that are more readily available to those with more free time, discretionary income, and fewer responsibilities, but I frequently hear from colleagues how they have wanted to start a family but just haven’t made the jump yet. I wouldn’t trade having my family for anything else, but I always knew I wanted to have a family and sooner rather than later. Time will pass whichever way you choose to use it. spend it on things that are truly important to you.

I definitely understand your point but I was looking for feedback from residents specifically because I haven’t started a family yet and I don’t want to start a family that I can’t tend to and basically force my future husband into being the sole care provider for the kids for 7 years. I just find that to be far too selfish to push all the parental responsibility onto one person just so I can have a family or someone to come home to. I couldn’t live with being an absent parent in the home and that’s basically the consensus on what happens in residency from those who have reached out to me. I’m just not ok with that so I’ll be waiting until after residency as much as I hate the idea. Wish things could be different but it is what it is.

 

[Feria32]

I definitely understand your point but I was looking for feedback from residents specifically because I haven’t started a family yet and I don’t want to start a family that I can’t tend to and basically force my future husband into being the sole care provider for the kids for 7 years. I just find that to be far too selfish to push all the parental responsibility onto one person just so I can have a family or someone to come home to. I couldn’t live with being an absent parent in the home and that’s basically the consensus on what happens in residency from those who have reached out to me. I’m just not ok with that so I’ll be waiting until after residency as much as I hate the idea. Wish things could be different but it is what it is.

I’m currently in my fourth year of training with several more years to go so I’ve been there with kids in med school and residency (now fellowship). You wouldn’t be forcing anyone into parenting if they shared the same values, goals, and perspective that you did. I agree that if the priority for both partners is to advance the career then that makes creating a family very difficult. Over the last few decades we’ve been told that we can have everything. Unfortunately that isn’t the case as many of us have come to find out. We have to make the choice and then live with the consequences. My partner has been an amazing parent but struggles sometimes with wanting to contribute financially; we find ways to adapt to every season as needs change. There’s no easy decision in all of this but ultimately you’re the only one who can decide what you are willing to do to live out your values and goals. I knew I wanted a family, that I wouldn’t be making fistfuls of money, and that I wanted to have a decent worklife balance. I dated, married, and selected my specialty based on this. Despite some very hard times I am very happy with where I am in life now. It doesn’t work out that way for everybody despite their best efforts. I’m hoping this is helpful to you.

 

[DarkBluMage]

I’m currently in my fourth year of training with several more years to go so I’ve been there with kids in med school and residency (now fellowship). You wouldn’t be forcing anyone into parenting if they shared the same values, goals, and perspective that you did. I agree that if the priority for both partners is to advance the career then that makes creating a family very difficult. Over the last few decades we’ve been told that we can have everything. Unfortunately that isn’t the case as many of us have come to find out. We have to make the choice and then live with the consequences. My partner has been an amazing parent but struggles sometimes with wanting to contribute financially; we find ways to adapt to every season as needs change. There’s no easy decision in all of this but ultimately you’re the only one who can decide what you are willing to do to live out your values and goals. I knew I wanted a family, that I wouldn’t be making fistfuls of money, and that I wanted to have a decent worklife balance. I dated, married, and selected my specialty based on this. Despite some very hard times I am very happy with where I am in life now. It doesn’t work out that way for everybody despite their best efforts. I’m hoping this is helpful to you.

It was definitely helpful! I realize I’m just not ok with being an absent parent even if my spouse is willing/ok to be a stay at home dad. I can’t justify starting a family during residency knowing I can’t contribute the way they would deserve. I appreciate the feedback

 

[LunaOri]

It was definitely helpful! I realize I’m just not ok with being an absent parent even if my spouse is willing/ok to be a stay at home dad. I can’t justify starting a family during residency knowing I can’t contribute the way they would deserve. I appreciate the feedback

Several of the residents I work with are planning to have eggs frozen for later use. Might make sense to consider, since you are planning to be a resident until 40+

 

[DarkBluMage]

Several of the residents I work with are planning to have eggs frozen for later use. Might make sense to consider, since you are planning to be a resident until 40+

I’ll look into it, thank you for the suggestion