Long distance marriage in med school

[cest la vie]

I understand previous threads of this topic have been made before and I've read through them. But I chose to start my own because it at least gives me somewhat of an outlet to vent my feelings.

I'll be starting med school this fall as I was lucky to gain a few acceptances despite being a somewhat lackluster applicant number-wise. I'm very thankful for the schools that have interviewed me or extended me offers, but I can't seem to get myself excited about med school because I keep thinking about my marriage and what's ahead. I imagined myself to be flipping out in joy at the sight of obtaining an acceptance, but the feelings have all been clouded. My spouse works in consulting/finance and so the best job prospects are in big financial-oriented cities. However, none of my current offers are in this type of environment so in order for us both to grow our careers would entail being in a long distance relationship (e.g. about a day's worth of airline travel to see each other from any of my schools). I understand that being married is technically more stable than just being in a relationship, though I'm still nervous and apprehensive of challenges ahead if I end up matriculating into a school at a location which is virtually impossible for my spouse to work in.

Is anyone else in this situation or will be in a similar situation? How did it work out for you in the end and how'd you cope with the situation? The application cycle is still not over for me yet as I'm waitlisted at a school in a highly desirable location for both of us. To be honest, all I care about at this moment is being able to live the next four years with my spouse. Rankings, curriculum, fit, etc are all moot because all that matters at this point is the ability to avoid long distance. We've been married for a little over a year now and can't really imagine how it will all pan out if we're separated for 4+ years.

Please don't take me the wrong way, I'm extremely fortunate for a successful cycle and I understand the situation could be worse.

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[prado]

I'd rather my wife work in a city where the job prospects may not be the best, but are sufficient enough for her to make decent money in order to live, and be able to live with her for the next four years rather than living apart because she chose to live in a big city. It's a marriage and with it comes compromise. It's not like she's going to be unemployed in the city where you choose to attend school, right?

I don't know which medical schools you got into, but surely there are SOME jobs available for her line of work?

 

[MusicJunkie]

I can't really help in this regard, as I'm not married. But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you may be separated from your spouse, OP. I do hope that you get off of the waitlist in the highly desirable city.

 

[EnginrTheFuture]

To be honest, all I care about at this moment is being able to live the next four years with my spouse. Rankings, curriculum, fit, etc are all moot because all that matters at this point is the ability to avoid long distance. We've been married for a little over a year now and can't really imagine how it will all pan out if we're separated for 4+ years.

You really shouldn't have applied to those programs if you had this mind set 6 months ago. I find it confusing that you would apply to programs that your wife simply couldn't follow you to.

Just to distinguish, being separated for 4 years is also different than being separated for 4 years of medical school. I honestly cannot see how a marriage could survive four years of medical school being long distance, especially if there is a significant time zone difference. I am not trying to make you feel down, but it looks like you want an honest opinion. A year, maybe two, one could survive with the flexibility of traveling once a month to see each other. But four years... I think it's too much.

Personally, given you are feeling the way you feel, I would think about re-applying and possibly expressing the situation to the school you are wait listed at.

 

[cest la vie]

I'd rather my wife work in a city where the job prospects may not be the best, but are sufficient enough for her to make decent money in order to live, and be able to live with her for the next four years rather than living apart because she chose to live in a big city. It's a marriage and with it comes compromise. It's not like she's going to be unemployed in the city where you choose to attend school, right?

I don't know which medical schools you got into, but surely there are SOME jobs available for her line of work?

It might be hard to believe but my spouse works in a very focused and narrow field and the job prospects in many of these locations are tiny to none. I understand compromises will have to be made and it's possible that something can be worked out, but I'm not sure how or when.

I can't really help in this regard, as I'm not married. But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you may be separated from your spouse, OP. I do hope that you get off of the waitlist in the highly desirable city.

Many thanks.

You really shouldn't have applied to those programs if you had this mind set 6 months ago. I find it confusing that you would apply to programs that your wife simply couldn't follow you to.

Just to distinguish, being separated for 4 years is also different than being separated for 4 years of medical school. I honestly cannot see how a marriage could survive four years of medical school being long distance, especially if there is a significant time zone difference. I am not trying to make you feel down, but it looks like you want an honest opinion. A year, maybe two, one could survive with the flexibility of traveling once a month to see each other. But four years... I think it's too much.

Personally, given you are feeling the way you feel, I would think about re-applying and possibly expressing the situation to the school you are wait listed at.

No worries, your comment doesn't make me feel worse. I went into the application cycle to apply broadly as well as reach schools which would be best for us. My stats were not the best so I had to apply all over in hopes of gaining at least one acceptance from an MD program. Of course not being able to stay with my spouse would be upsetting but having to be rejected from all of my applications if I had only applied to these certain programs would certainly be worse than matriculating at a school and doing long distance (we both felt this way). I was lucky to receive interviews at two very reach-y schools in better locations - was rejected from one and WL at the other. A reapp for me is definitely out of the question.

 

[erutha95]

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[wanderedtoolong]

Is anyone else in this situation or will be in a similar situation? How did it work out for you in the end and how'd you cope with the situation? The application cycle is still not over for me yet as I'm waitlisted at a school in a highly desirable location for both of us.
Please don't take me the wrong way, I'm extremely fortunate for a successful cycle and I understand the situation could be worse.

I'm in a sort of similar situation. My fiance has 2 yrs left in his PhD here, and I've only been accepted far away. I thought my state school was a likely option but they haven't come through (no decision yet, not looking good). I guess for me it's a bit more tolerable because I know the separation is finite and as soon as he's in "writing mode" he can come be wherever I am, and then post-doc there. I actually think it might be healthy to be on my own for the first year or so- I'm more likely to reach out and make friends that way, and I won't feel bad about my fiance being home alone in a new place when I'm at the library until midnight.

 

[justkeepswiming]

I'm not sure that I have anything helpful to contribute myself, but I'm also interested in hearing other people's thoughts on this, as there's a very real possibility I'll be in this situation next year when I'm an MS1 and my SO is starting med school in whatever city there's an offer.

I agree with prado, though, that it would probably be preferable to be in the same city with diminished earning prospects than to be long distance for 4 years. Long distance sucks, and it takes a toll on the relationship, especially if you can't just hop on a bus or train and be there in a couple of hours.

That said, if her moving to your new city will completely obliterate her job prospects and future career potential way down the road, then you have a tougher choice to make. If she absolutely can't get a job where any of your schools are located, is there any way to compromise by reducing the distance? (i.e., if you're currently on the west coast looking at all east coast schools, could she find a job in a big east coast city that's within weekend commuting distance of your school?) It sounds like a logistical nightmare--both moving away from your home to separate cities--but something like that could potentially make sense when considering your relationship for the next several years.

Edit- Sorry- didn't see some of your responses before posting this. Ignore my middle paragraph then 🙂 I like the idea also of contacting your state school with a strong LOI explaining the situation, too. I hope this works out for you!

 

[sinombre]

I'm in a similar situation OP. I'm looking at potentially moving to the other side of the country if I don't get off of a waitlist. It's going to be hard, and the odds aren't in our favor. But it is what it is. I'm just reminding myself that I'm lucky to be in this position, and accepting what I can't change.

 

[MusicJunkie]

It seems like a lot of people are in a similar situations.

I met someone at one of my interviews that wants us to try dating long distance (opposite coasts) because we chose to go to two different schools. He is so calm about the situation, while I think the idea is a bit terrifying. I guess doing the long distance thing is more commonplace than I thought.

 

[Mt Kilimanjaro]

I understand previous threads of this topic have been made before and I've read through them. But I chose to start my own because it at least gives me somewhat of an outlet to vent my feelings.

..........

Please don't take me the wrong way, I'm extremely fortunate for a successful cycle and I understand the situation could be worse.

Maybe "moving to a place with few finance job prospects" is what Meatloaf meant by "that."

Misery loves company, so let me assure you this situation is common. After reading this post, I immediately thought of 4 couples in my wife's residency program that spent at least part of their training in long-distance marriages. There's almost certainly more, because I don't go around parties saying "so, tell me about the personal struggles you faced on your epic journey to be a doctor." We were in that situation for a few years due to my job. Part of that time I was in Asia. As a result she got better pre-clinical grades, but it was not easy.

I think it's useful to think about it as a deployment. Since 2001, hundreds of thousands of servicemembers have deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan because their careers demanded it. Not going was not an option. Most of them did not want to leave their families behind for 9-15 months. Your situation is better because you can text and email all day and see each other at least once a month. If you happened to have a baby, your husband would not have to watch the birth on Skype. Unlike enlisted military people, you also have the certainty of six figures in around a decade to keep you motivated about your current financial decisions. "Deploying" to a remote location in the US might be the only way to make your career happen. Make the short-term sacrifice for long-term happiness and fulfillment.

That said, marriage is about compromise. I'm a stay at home dad, despite saying for several years that this is the one job I could never do. I keep myself busy with Coursera, the library, craft beer, the gym, and Family Guy. Your spouse could find plenty of things to keep him/herself occupied, even if that does not include staying on the fast track to Managing Director.

One practical situation I see is for the spouse to stay in the finance job for a year or two, live frugally, save up a bunch of money, then move back for part of school. Transferring is not a realistic option, as it seems fewer and fewer schools even let people try.

When making these kinds of decisions, I constantly think "at the end of my life, will I regret this decision." Choosing to be away from my newlywed spouse for 4 whole years is a decision I know I would regret, but your results may vary.

Good luck!

 

[imcanadaian]

Not married yet (engaged!) but we decided to push back our wedding date from this summer (where it would have been extremely rushed and crazy!) to until after M1. At this point, it will mean being apart for one year, either across the country, or split between norcal/socal if I get off the waitlist at my top choice. No idea what that's going to be like, but she plans on moving to wherever I am after we get married

EDIT: On the prospect of being apart from her for 4 years of med school--that sounds absolutely TERRIBLE. I'd much rather we both compromise to be together and deal with shortcomings in career/med school/location

 

[erutha95]

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[Eiot]

You really shouldn't have applied to those programs if you had this mind set 6 months ago. I find it confusing that you would apply to programs that your wife simply couldn't follow you to.

Just to distinguish, being separated for 4 years is also different than being separated for 4 years of medical school. I honestly cannot see how a marriage could survive four years of medical school being long distance, especially if there is a significant time zone difference. I am not trying to make you feel down, but it looks like you want an honest opinion. A year, maybe two, one could survive with the flexibility of traveling once a month to see each other. But four years... I think it's too much.

Personally, given you are feeling the way you feel, I would think about re-applying and possibly expressing the situation to the school you are wait listed at.

Basically what I was going to say.

 

[Wifey1985]

OP, have you two thought about splitting the time? Your wife stays in the finance-oriented city for the first 1-2 years and then joins you and makes the best of her career wherever you are? Obviously not ideal, but maybe better than the alternative.

I think the success of a long-distance relationship is really couple-specific, but obviously it can be--and has been--done. And maybe it's not the worst time to be apart, if you're both going to be so busy and focused on your respective careers. I know that might sound counter-intuitive, but in my own experiences I've found that it's easier to be apart when neither partner has much down-time.

P.S. - *Major eyeroll* @ all of the people who commented that you "shouldn't have applied to those schools in the first place." 🙄

 

[sinombre]

OP, have you two thought about splitting the time? Your wife stays in the finance-oriented city for the first 1-2 years and then joins you and makes the best of her career wherever you are? Obviously not ideal, but maybe better than the alternative.

I think the success of a long-distance relationship is really couple-specific, but obviously it can be--and has been--done. And maybe it's not the worst time to be apart, if you're both going to be so busy and focused on your respective careers. I know that might sound counter-intuitive, but in my own experiences I've found that it's easier to be apart when neither partner has much down-time.

P.S. - *Major eyeroll* @ all of the people who commented that you "shouldn't have applied to those schools in the first place." 🙄

👍👍👍

Especially the bolded part.

 

[MusicJunkie]

OP, have you two thought about splitting the time? Your wife stays in the finance-oriented city for the first 1-2 years and then joins you and makes the best of her career wherever you are? Obviously not ideal, but maybe better than the alternative.

I think the success of a long-distance relationship is really couple-specific, but obviously it can be--and has been--done. And maybe it's not the worst time to be apart, if you're both going to be so busy and focused on your respective careers. I know that might sound counter-intuitive, but in my own experiences I've found that it's easier to be apart when neither partner has much down-time.

P.S. - *Major eyeroll* @ all of the people who commented that you "shouldn't have applied to those schools in the first place." 🙄

I agree. 👍

 

[erutha95]

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[MusicJunkie]

I think this piece of advice shouldn't be so quickly discarded. With so many people counseling pre-meds to apply broadly, it is very important to add the caveat that you shouldn't apply somewhere unless you are actually willing to attend the school. Applying to schools that you don't really want to go to in the hopes of just getting in SOMEWHERE in the current cycle severely hurts one's chances of getting in to a more preferable school in a later cycle.

I think taking a year off to strengthen an app is often a better solution than going somewhere you don't want to be for 4 years, but once you are accepted that's pretty much the kiss of death for later cycles.

Fair point!

 

[cest la vie]

Thanks to all of you who contributed. I'm happy to hear that there are many that can relate, though of course I sincerely hope you all make it through or have the most ideal scenario work out for you!

In regards to the people who told me I shouldn't have applied to certain schools or should reapply, I put a lot of care into my school list from the beginning to try to cover all grounds as well as tweaking and optimizing my application. I didn't naively just apply to schools blindly where I thought my stats matched up while giving no consideration to my spouse. I have no regrets about anything this cycle and I'm only thinking about what's best for moving forward. Again, reapplication is not an option because no guarantee I will even get accepted again if I choose to reapply, let alone being accepted at a more ideal location.

Anyways, I'm not terribly hopeful about the WL and will have to prepare for the worst case scenario and decide from the schools that I have right now. It just sucks being stuck in limbo with some very important decisions in front of us. I just want to wish everyone in a similar situation the best and hope it all works out for you and a big thanks to everyone who had advice or something to contribute. Regardless, we should all be thankful. 😉

 

[Mt Kilimanjaro]

I think this piece of advice shouldn't be so quickly discarded. With so many people counseling pre-meds to apply broadly, it is very important to add the caveat that you shouldn't apply somewhere unless you are actually willing to attend the school. Applying to schools that you don't really want to go to in the hopes of just getting in SOMEWHERE in the current cycle severely hurts one's chances of getting in to a more preferable school in a later cycle.

I think taking a year off to strengthen an app is often a better solution than going somewhere you don't want to be for 4 years, but once you are accepted that's pretty much the kiss of death for later cycles.

I think the eye roll is because those comments are retrospective and do nothing to help the OP's current dilemma. In retrospect, yes, this probably would have been good advice prior to the application cycle. But OP is already admitted to geographically distant schools and trying to figure out how to make it work out.

 

[cest la vie]

I think this piece of advice shouldn't be so quickly discarded. With so many people counseling pre-meds to apply broadly, it is very important to add the caveat that you shouldn't apply somewhere unless you are actually willing to attend the school. Applying to schools that you don't really want to go to in the hopes of just getting in SOMEWHERE in the current cycle severely hurts one's chances of getting in to a more preferable school in a later cycle.

I think taking a year off to strengthen an app is often a better solution than going somewhere you don't want to be for 4 years, but once you are accepted that's pretty much the kiss of death for later cycles.

I understand what you're trying to say and I could relate better had I been straight out of undergrad. But I'm a bit non-traditional and it's time for me to move my life forward. Don't get me wrong, I said I was thankful for my acceptances and would be happy to attend any of the schools on my list. It's just a matter of wanting what's most ideal.

 

[cest la vie]

I think the eye roll is because those comments are retrospective and do nothing to help the OP's current dilemma. In retrospect, yes, this probably would have been good advice prior to the application cycle. But OP is already admitted to geographically distant schools and trying to figure out how to make it work out.

👍

 

[UTsksk]

Lol at least your wife hasn't said that she doesn't want to move because she doesn't find you a good enough support system. I might be in your shoes next year, but I already got that bomb dropped on me.

The closest med school to where I live is 5 hours away.

 

[prado]

Lol at least your wife hasn't said that she doesn't want to move because she doesn't find you a good enough support system. I might be in your shoes next year, but I already got that bomb dropped on me.

The closest med school to where I live is 5 hours away.

Well, I guess that's that. Time go back on the prowl!

 

[Wifey1985]

I think the eye roll is because those comments are retrospective and do nothing to help the OP's current dilemma. In retrospect, yes, this probably would have been good advice prior to the application cycle. But OP is already admitted to geographically distant schools and trying to figure out how to make it work out.

Nailed it.

 

[sinombre]

Lol at least your wife hasn't said that she doesn't want to move because she doesn't find you a good enough support system. I might be in your shoes next year, but I already got that bomb dropped on me.

The closest med school to where I live is 5 hours away.

Yeah, same for me. Actually I work at a medical school, but their "mission" is so focused that I never really had a chance. Time to change your status to "single and ready to mingle"

 

[MelonMan]

Long distance is terrible. Be weary, for feelings can change, and new people will be met...

 

[that redhead]

(So I'm vet instead of med, but same idea.)

I was in your exact position. We'd been together a long time short-distance so the prospect was daunting to say the least. It isn't fun, and a handful of my classmates broke up with their SOs during first semester of first year. But my SO and I made it work - we even got engaged after first year - by making time for each other. We talk on the phone for at least 30mins every night, sometimes text a few times a day. I'm home for summer break and winter break and we meet up at least once a semester on my long weekends.

And honestly? I'm kind of glad I came up here alone. It was intimidating at first, but in the end I think it was the right choice. School is such a huge time committment (both hours in class as well as out of class) that I know I would feel guilty not getting to spend any time with him or pay attention to him or anything. It's also somewhat of an emotional committment and I know during exam time I'm just in cram/caffinate/stress mode and that's no fun to be around. The time I do get to spend with him is when I don't have to worry about school (at least directly) and it's better quality time.

Yeah, it's scary right now. But if you can commit to communicating daily and being unfront if you're having issues, it can absolutely work.

 

[sinombre]

Long distance is terrible. Be weary, for feelings can change, and new people will be met...

Very true. But this happens in non-long distance relationships as well. I think age and life experience are extremely important factors in the feasibility of long distance relationships. I'm not at all nervous about being in a long distance relationship come fall, but I doubt I would have been able to do it if I were in my early 20s. ymmv.

 

[EnginrTheFuture]

I forgot to say good luck. Even though my comment might have been a little pessimistic, I will keep every finger and toe crossed. I've been there with relationships (not a marriage) and it is tough. Both making decisions and living out those decisions. Love is a crazy thing, and I sincerely hope yours works out.

 

[cest la vie]

I forgot to say good luck. Even though my comment might have been a little pessimistic, I will keep every finger and toe crossed. I've been there with relationships (not a marriage) and it is tough. Both making decisions and living out those decisions. Love is a crazy thing, and I sincerely hope yours works out.

Thank you and thanks to everyone else! Really made me feel a lot better to hear your opinions and unique opinions on the topic. 😀

 

[1012526fs]

Been there as well, married and separated for 3 years straight due to school and work. Some people make it, and some don't, but keep a few things in mind: It takes 2 to make a relationship, and both of you will need to be committed to your relationship as much as to your schooling and careers. Also, sit down sometime and have a very open-minded and honest discussion about each of your expectations and needs while you're going to be apart. Do you both even agree on how often you should visit? Or call or text? Or what is acceptable or not when hanging out with friends while apart? You'd be surprised, if you haven't discussed a lot of the details before. And be open to those expectations changing, so long as you discuss them along the way and readdress anything as needed. It can work, if you both want it to. Good luck to you both.

 

[eHombre]

Anyways, I'm not terribly hopeful about the WL and will have to prepare for the worst case scenario and decide from the schools that I have right now. It just sucks being stuck in limbo with some very important decisions in front of us. I just want to wish everyone in a similar situation the best and hope it all works out for you and a big thanks to everyone who had advice or something to contribute. Regardless, we should all be thankful. 😉

I was lucky to receive interviews at two very reach-y schools in better locations - was rejected from one and WL at the other. A reapp for me is definitely out of the question.

I had a similar situation. Recently married, got into a great school that would have required us to keep two households, and waitlisted at the school that would let us live together in the same city. What did we do? While we made preparations for the first school, I wrote a bunch of letters to the WL school—including a letter of intent ("if accepted I will attend") and a "hey, check it out, my new summer address is already in your city!"—and essentially explained the situation. After an agonizing wait, I eventually got in during the early summer.

I guess I just want to say: don't give up on that WL. Late in the game, adcoms like to accommodate situations such as yours (this was explicitly conveyed to me after the fact).

 

[me1234]

Looking at the same situation, as my SO is an engineer in silicon valley and I will be going to med school on the other side of the country.

I think its totally doable if you are in a stable relationship and both of you really work to keep your communication up. Also the fact that your wife will have a job helps a lot in terms of being able to afford to fly back and forth frequently.

Its less than ideal, but people make it work! Good luck!