Hi there,
I'm 28 and married. Not to sound high and mighty or anything, but I really don't understand how people think marriage is "hard." I would think if you really loved your spouse, and if you knew through extensive discussions that this person was truly compatible with you, marriage would be effortless--no "work" involved. For us, marriage is effortless. In the five years we've been together, we've never had to "work" on anything. True, there's less romance in the relationship than I'd like, and I'd sure love it if my hubby planned more dates for us, but other than that, I'm truly happy and in love and couldn't be more content to be married. In fact, today while I was at work, a fellow co-worked who I didn't know asked me if I was married and when I said yes, she said, "I've heard marriage is really hard." What? I thought that question was a little extreme. No, marriage isn't hard if you're with the right person. I also don't understand how someone can marry someone--make a lifetime committment--unless you're absolutely, positivel 100% sure about someone, and sure that you really and truly "know" someone--their quirks, their insecurities, their hopes and dreams, their deepest darkest thoughts, etc.
As for the person who commented that "sometimes it's a pain to live with someone who does things differently than you do," I don't really understand that either. Isn't the point of dating to make sure you and your partner are 100% compatible before sealing the deal? Through dating, don't you find out how your partner "lives" and how your partner handles/reacts to different situations? For me, I can truly say that there has not been a single surprise in our marriage. There is nothing new I've discovered since being married that I did not already know. I already knew how my husband handles/reacts to things from dating him for 2.5 years prior to marriage and through countless "deep" conversations that we had about how we want our lives to be before we got married. I can truly say that my husband and I agree on nearly everything. Our values are the same. Our goals and dreams are the same. Our personalities are the same. Although many people think that "opposites attract," I am a firm believer that "likes" live in better harmony.
Also, I think it is vitally important to live with your partner before marriage. I know some people object to this on religious grounds, but for me, I would never have married anyone who I didn't live with first. How can you buy the goods without trying them on? I didn't want any surprises in marriage--I wanted to know what my future husband was like as a roommate. I think some people underestimate this. Yes, you're husband and wife but you're also roommates and friends. I lived with an ex-boyfriend as well, and it was through living together that I realized I could never be married to him.
It seems like perhaps you rushed into marriage too soon before you were ready. Maybe also you were too young to get married, in the emotional maturity sense. I waited until I felt 100% ready in mind, body, and soul, and that occurred for me at age 26 (got engaged) and age 27 (got married.) But that's besides the point for you, since you're already married.
My personal theory about why there is so much marital discord in our generation at least, is because people focus too much on finding a partner with the right physical chemistry, to the detriment of ignoring whether or not this person is your best friend. Is your partner someone you can lean on in times of hardship? Will this person make a good parent for your children? Is this person the one you want to be roommates forever with? Do you like palling around with this person? Passion cools--it's just inevitable--and at the end of the day you need to be sure that there's a lot more there than lust and physical attraction. I also think part of the reason there's so much marital discord is because people don't date enough before choosing a life partner--they don't have a wide enough applicant pool from which to choose. How can you know which shoe fits the best if you have only tried on a few pairs? That's why I think Internet dating sites are the best thing since sliced bread. My theory is that people who meet their mate online have the best chance for marital success, because they're not confined to "meeting their mate at a bar" or wherever else most young people find partners, and also because they have the opportunity to date lots and lots of people before they come up with a general idea of the qualities they're seeking.
I also guess I don't understand why you think a) learning disabilities mean someone is not smart, and b) your wife will be a "housewife" and is not driven because she "only" wants to be a nurse. That sounds pretty darn driven to me! Plus, you said she wanted to live with your parents so she could focus her finances on school. That sounds very responsible to me. Aren't you being a bit harsh? Just because she won't be a doctor doesn't mean she isn't "smart," or "driven." That seems a little judgmental on your part. Many women want to work part time and be moms, even many female doctors and lawyers want to do that. Some doctors quit medicine all together and become stay at home moms, because they decide that's where their priorities are.
There is an excellent book that I have on my bookshelf, called "Intellectual Foreplay." It's a book of questions--deep, meaningful questions--that you can ask your partner to get more insight into their values, how they want to live their life, etc. My husband and I used it a lot while we were dating, it was a great springboard into deep conversations about what we both wanted. you should check it out. Maybe through these discussions, you'll realize you're more in-tune than you think.
Just my two cents.
pmb said:
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am now more confused than I was to begin with
This wasn't an arranged marriage, but we didn't really have a lot of time to get to know each other because of my busy life trying to start a new career in medicine. And the reason she was living with my parents was because we were engaged and she wanted to go to school full time without having to pay for rent. She is driven in the fact that she wants to become a nurse so that she can work 2 days a week and then be a mom the rest of the time. It is hard though because she has a learning disability and I don't know how to deal with that very well since medical students generally are pretty smart people. Anyway, there are more issues that I could go into but I will save for some counceling.
Just an FYI...I prayed for month's before we got married if she was the one and I never really got peace about it.
Thanks again.
I think I can help you my friend. Right now you're simply in a cold season in your relationship: you should both spice it up a bit by either visiting your local Swinger's Club or hitching a ride to Bangkok, Thailand. You'll never be the same. If you go to Bangkok, be sure to stop in the "Kitten Club" and tell the bar owner who happens to be British that Shaw-Dog sent you. You'll get a free Mai-Tai and discounted rates on the rooms upstairs. 
