My fiance is matching this year (in IM) in the city that I am currently living. The problem is that I will only be there for 1 more year, before I match. My fiance wants to get married, and then spend the rest of next year together. Once I match though, she says she hopes to transfer whereever I end up. However, she will only transfer if there is a PGY2 position open in that area. Otherwise, she just says that we can live apart for those 2 years while she finishes residency. I am curious to see if anyone else thinks it is as awkward as I do to have a married couple live in potentially different parts of the country for 2 years. Any thoughts or comments?
Married, but Living in Different Parts of the Country?
- Thread starter LRLA
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I've seen quite a few couples have to do that. Of course it's not ideal, but it worked out fine for them. I guess it depends on how strong your relationship is and how much meaning you really attach to wanting to spend the rest of your life together. 2 years is miniscule in the larger scope of things.
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Of our first 4 years of marriage, we lived 3 years apart. As so common in medicine, this was due to residency/fellowship/practice issues. It takes committment, communication, Soutwest airlines, cheap gasoline and Vonage, but it can certainly be done.
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My dh and I are trying to match his career (job trasnfer/new job) and my Match.
It might work, but I only have one or two programs near him that I would rank highly, and my personal number 1 is 1500 miles away. So we are deciding if he should get his #1 job and me my #3 (ish) and be together, me my #1 and him his #2 and be together, or both our #1 and be apart for 2-7years.... Plus, just becuase I rank a place #1, doesn't mean that I will end up there! So do I make my #2 and #3 based on my preferences, or his location? It is a tough decision, and I could see resentment at being "forced" to go somewhere else or having the SO "refuse" to compromise, as well as the frustrations of a LDR when working such long hours!
I really want my dh to have his dream job, but I want him with me too and I want my dream residency! 🙂 So we have some more thinking to do. (BTW, I entirely applied to residency where he thought that he could transfer/get a new job.)
I guess I am on the "other side" as I am the M4, not the spouse. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
Any advice for my situation?
It might work, but I only have one or two programs near him that I would rank highly, and my personal number 1 is 1500 miles away. So we are deciding if he should get his #1 job and me my #3 (ish) and be together, me my #1 and him his #2 and be together, or both our #1 and be apart for 2-7years.... Plus, just becuase I rank a place #1, doesn't mean that I will end up there! So do I make my #2 and #3 based on my preferences, or his location? It is a tough decision, and I could see resentment at being "forced" to go somewhere else or having the SO "refuse" to compromise, as well as the frustrations of a LDR when working such long hours!
I really want my dh to have his dream job, but I want him with me too and I want my dream residency! 🙂 So we have some more thinking to do. (BTW, I entirely applied to residency where he thought that he could transfer/get a new job.)
I guess I am on the "other side" as I am the M4, not the spouse. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
Any advice for my situation?
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For the OP--why don't you just try to match in the same city where your fiancee is matching and where you are now? That seems like the best solution as it would put you two in the same city for the first couple of years of your marriage. I'm not saying it can't be done successfully, but I think having a long-distance marriage as newlyweds would be really hard and put an unnecessary strain on your relationship, if it is at all possible for the two of you to be in the same place IMO that would be much better.
BTW, my dh and I are couples-matching both into IM this year...and wouldn't even consider living in different cities. I guess different people have different priorities, but the only way I could see living apart from him during residency would be if it was either that, or not match at all, which luckily doesn't appear to be the situation. I guess if you're in more competitive specialties, it might be much harder to both end up in the same place.
BTW, my dh and I are couples-matching both into IM this year...and wouldn't even consider living in different cities. I guess different people have different priorities, but the only way I could see living apart from him during residency would be if it was either that, or not match at all, which luckily doesn't appear to be the situation. I guess if you're in more competitive specialties, it might be much harder to both end up in the same place.
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My husband and I have had to live apart for a few years including 3 months when I lived in England to study abroad. I think it is totally doable as long as both of you are independent. What made it work for us is that we don't have the feeling that we can't live without the other. Yea, life is better when we are together, but we are our own people...getting married didn't blend two people into one.
This is not to say that it is easy. OMG it is SO not easy. But when it is necessary its worth it. Just make sure you dont grow apart too much...It can get easy to lose sight of how important they really are to you.
This is not to say that it is easy. OMG it is SO not easy. But when it is necessary its worth it. Just make sure you dont grow apart too much...It can get easy to lose sight of how important they really are to you.
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I'm starting to consider this VERY strongly
D
deleted109597
I'll get back to you in a year. And then, maybe I'll get back to you in 3 more.
Have I mentioned that I hate the couple's match?
Have I mentioned that I hate the couple's match?
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i think it can be done but you have to really stay on top of things...as mentioned, you have to make sure that you don't start to grow apart. this can happen even if you don't mean it to or want it to.
the nice thing about being apart is that you can really focus on your work. but there will probably be some adjusting when you meet back up again and in my experience, it is difficult to give up some of that independence once you've become used to it. your "me time" is essentially gone, again. 🙂
i also think it helps if you guys were really close to begin with (ie together for several yrs before the seperation or living together).
this sort of thing (time apart) is very common for medical couples (med school, residency, fellowship, practice...a thousand opportunities for time apart) but at some point you are going to have to put the relationship first and you guys as a couple need to decide what your comfort level with all of this is...every couple is different but ultimately.....outta sight, outta mind (i don't mean overnight or even over a year but with enough time and enough to keep you distracted (ie residency)). there is no way around the fact that a certain intimacy (and i don't mean just physical) is going to be lost. only you guys know how that will affect you.
maybe it will, maybe it won't. maybe it can be recovered or repaired or maybe not.
communication is the key. but yes, it can be done.
good luck.
the nice thing about being apart is that you can really focus on your work. but there will probably be some adjusting when you meet back up again and in my experience, it is difficult to give up some of that independence once you've become used to it. your "me time" is essentially gone, again. 🙂
i also think it helps if you guys were really close to begin with (ie together for several yrs before the seperation or living together).
this sort of thing (time apart) is very common for medical couples (med school, residency, fellowship, practice...a thousand opportunities for time apart) but at some point you are going to have to put the relationship first and you guys as a couple need to decide what your comfort level with all of this is...every couple is different but ultimately.....outta sight, outta mind (i don't mean overnight or even over a year but with enough time and enough to keep you distracted (ie residency)). there is no way around the fact that a certain intimacy (and i don't mean just physical) is going to be lost. only you guys know how that will affect you.
maybe it will, maybe it won't. maybe it can be recovered or repaired or maybe not.
communication is the key. but yes, it can be done.
good luck.
