Advice from those that are married

[Dr. Pineal Gland]

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[Lifeblood_20]

It’s certainly hard to comment on martial problems online.

Have you talked to her about how you feel?

What do I do about this without offending her?

Ideally you should be able to talk to your spouse about whatever bothers you. Even if that leads to taking offense and arguments, it is sometimes necessary to have conflict in a relationship to come to a common ground. If it were my spouse I would talk to them and say what you wrote here and we would have a calm discussion.

 

[lagunabeach26]

I am sorry, this is probably the wrong place to post this. Do you folks have challenges with your spouses ?

Okay , first of I really love my wife. She's a sweet, loving, and genuinely great person but unfortunately she's been through a lot in her life and it's caught up to her as an adult. I'm the type of person to be super ambitious, I work a lot I go to the gym; I wake up early to go to the gym and start my day to get a lot done. She doesn't quite have the emotional maturity that I have, often taking minor negative interactions way too far causing her to ruminate and call me crying she doesn't want to work anymore. She has an okay job but she's not like me and pushes herself to the limits for a successful career. She's just kinda going day to day. She has plans to get a certification but always has an excuse and has put off studying for it. In my culture you work your ass off and push through, particularly to higher achieving careers. I feel like her background does not have much of an emphasis on that.

Also she is not very intellectual. Her downtime is spent on TikTok or watching mind numbing shows. Her humor is very sophomoric and she doesn't seem to have any interest in reading or learning because it "feels like homework". She has a lot of trauma, and she's done a good job working through it. But saying she has too much anxiety to work full time and once I finish residency and get a full time career (I'll be able to support us) , she's gonna go to part time because "she won't need to work full time". I feel like she's using me a little bit and being lazy. There is some more stuff but this is just the brunt of it for now.

What do I do about this without offending her?

this is definitely the wrong place to post this. it sounds like you just don't like your wife as a person - calling her lazy, less mature, not intellectual. re-read this post and ask yourself if you are even into the relationship anymore.

 

[EthylMethylMan]

Have you talked to her about how you feel?

This is the most important first step. The “communication is key” advice is cliche for a reason. Because it’s true.

Obviously I don’t have total insight into your situation, but her going to part-time wouldn’t necessarily be using you. There is plenty of legitimate work to be done as a homemaker and stay-at-home mom (if and when you guys have kids).

As for the critiques you have about her hobbies, what did you guys do together when you were dating? Surely you had some common interests back then. You could always revisit those and do those activities together.

 

[Mr.Smile12]

Note we do have a forum. Maybe it could help?

Spouses and Partners

A support forum for the spouses and significant others of health professions students. Co-hosted with AMA-Alliance.

forums.studentdoctor.net

 

[DO2015CA]

Agree it’s not the right forum to go all in. I will say my wife scrolls TikTok a lot and she holds it down as a very busy doctor and mother so TikTok itself as a hobby isn’t bad. Likewise I read a ton for my job day to day so I seldom if ever read for fun because it feels like more work. If there is a book I’m interested in I’ll usually grab an audible version for my commute. I don’t see myself as lazy.

I can’t offer any other advice besides that because marital problems are much better handled with communication and offline.

 

[Hollow Knight]

It doesn't really sound like you're having marital problems persay. It sounds like you just don't really like who your wife is. Nobody can help you with that; she is who she is, and you can't change her.

There's no real right answer here. If you're religious like me and you think people are supposed to keep their marriage vows- well, encourage your wife to seek treatment for her mental illness in a healthy way. But you can't make her. And you definitely shouldn't scold her. Be supportive. You definitely should NOT tell her you think she's lazy or using you. Maybe go look up some of the resources for healthy relationship communication from the Gottman Institute. Basically, never attack who she is as a person; just bring up your concerns.

I mean you could just divorce her. But I sense from your signature that's not an option for you. In which case I would be as supportive as possible and hope she changes, but if she doesn't...... well, you're the one who said "In sickness and in health" and all that. Treat her with love, generosity, and kindness regardless of how she treats you (outside of abuse/adultery of course). Be a man of integrity (I'm assuming here you believe in all that stuff, if you think marriage is temporary, do whatever the heck you want)

At the same time, don't let her drag you down. I almost dropped out of medical school because I was trying to help my (soon-to-be ex) wife's emotional state. Well, she needs a therapist and a psychiatrist; I can't heal her anxiety and depression. That was INCREDIBLY foolish of me. Be good to your wife, but don't sacrifice your own health and well being to do so. It's OK for you to work out, have friends, a career, etc.

Edit: oh, also, don't you dare have kids with this woman. At least until you get your relationship sorted out

Edit2: oh and I'm not saying your wife is mentally ill. I'm just saying there's nothing wrong with people getting treated for anxiety or depression. But it's also possible she just isn't as into the grind as you are, and that's completely fine.

 

[SurfingDoctor]

This all sounds no bueno for either one of you if its this early in the marriage.

 

[Drjc1977]

I am sorry, this is probably the wrong place to post this. Do you folks have challenges with your spouses ?

Okay , first of I really love my wife. She's a sweet, loving, and genuinely great person but unfortunately she's been through a lot in her life and it's caught up to her as an adult. I'm the type of person to be super ambitious, I work a lot I go to the gym; I wake up early to go to the gym and start my day to get a lot done. She doesn't quite have the emotional maturity that I have, often taking minor negative interactions way too far causing her to ruminate and call me crying she doesn't want to work anymore. She has an okay job but she's not like me and pushes herself to the limits for a successful career. She's just kinda going day to day. She has plans to get a certification but always has an excuse and has put off studying for it. In my culture you work your ass off and push through, particularly to higher achieving careers. I feel like her background does not have much of an emphasis on that.

Also she is not very intellectual. Her downtime is spent on TikTok or watching mind numbing shows. Her humor is very sophomoric and she doesn't seem to have any interest in reading or learning because it "feels like homework". She has a lot of trauma, and she's done a good job working through it. But saying she has too much anxiety to work full time and once I finish residency and get a full time career (I'll be able to support us) , she's gonna go to part time because "she won't need to work full time". I feel like she's using me a little bit and being lazy. There is some more stuff but this is just the brunt of it for now.

What do I do about this without offending her?

Your words suggest this is a not healthy relationship. Further, your comments regarding her are ones of disrespect, i.e.. "she is not very intellectual,," "she kinda goes day to day", "No interest in learning or working". If fact as I reread your comments, I get a feeling of arrogance from your words. If you intend to stay in this relationship I would strongly suggest individual or marriage counseling ASAP.

 

[Crayola227]

What's interesting is the way you are attacking her values, or as you see it, lack of values.

I see physicians do this all the time. The only partner right for them is successful in traditional terms of career achievement, is intellectual like they are (there are many types of intelligence) and want to put their nose to the grindstone.

What if it's your values that are the issue? Did she really change from the person you fell in love with and to whom you made what seems to you like a sacred oath before God? It sounds like you are in training. Are you sure you're not the one who's changed?

Most people who go through training find it a very profound experiences that changes them greatly.

It's OK for partners to grow apart, it happens and not much to do about that. HOWEVER and as suggested, it's possible to work on maintaining your bond and also finding directions that you can grow together.

We hear this from spouses of medical personnel ALL the time. Their spouse never has time for them, is always tired, frequently in a bad mood, seems to care about career more than anything including their partner and their feelings, treats their partner's interests, career, etc as less "important" than what it is to be a physician and its perceived prestige, acts entitled because of it and its income, expects spouse to do more in the household and emotional labor, only has work or medical stuff to talk about... sound familiar? That they've changed into not only someone they don't recognize, someone who doesn't meet their needs anymore, but a burden in their own right. No offense but I feel I can see a lot of this in your post.

Have you considered how much it might suck for her to be with you?

I knew a med student married to a construction contractor and felt bad for them. Could they really be really be as smart and intellectual? Could they really connect as equals? I see now in hindsight how childish that was. My pre-judgments and standards. Meanwhile my now ex-fiancee who was a professor at a prestigious university with a research lab, cheated on me for years. And now I am married to a construction contractor 🤣 Turns out I was wrong about a lot of things. Also my values changed. I can tell you I'm a lot happier for it.

The values you use to judge someone can change. The values you use to judge your partner can as well.

Perhaps there is a lot of truth to what you have said about her, that she doesn't like to read. There might be some truth to what I said. I second others, get some counseling.

 

[Neuronix]

You can either accept her as is which is likely to be a stay at home mom or part-time worker without ambition, or you can bail on this marriage now before you start making the big attending bucks and have to pay a lot to separate.

She is showing you who she is or at least wants to be. It's unlikely that you're going to convince her otherwise.

 

[J ROD]

Hopefully, she does not read SDN...........

 

[premedBF]

Man some of the comments are naive. Maybe his assessment of his wife is just correct? If so, then he deserves some sympathy and I'd hate to have jumped on him when I'm in no position to judge his wofe better than he is

 

[Drjc1977]

Man some of the comments are naive. Maybe his assessment of his wife is just correct? If so, then he deserves some sympathy and I'd hate to have jumped on him when I'm in no position to judge his wofe better than he is

All I have done is comment on his comments that he made in a public forum. Assuming all of the comments are true, it definitely shows disrespect which is out there for the people who known him/her can read.

 

[battie]

Man some of the comments are naive. Maybe his assessment of his wife is just correct? If so, then he deserves some sympathy and I'd hate to have jumped on him when I'm in no position to judge his wofe better than he is

The wording lends itself to a tone of disparagement. Homegirl doesn't like to go to the gym, puts in the baseline for work, and likes to scroll tik tok. Doesn't make her lazy or un-intellectual. There's actually more solid advice of people pointing out the two of them not really being compatible at their individual levels.