Master Bedroom: Let the wife stay at home or send her to work?

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drusso said:
Currently, the wife sees patients in the pain clinic 2.5 days per week doing CBT and other mental health work with the altered comfort and quasi-addicted crowd. It's burning her out. She'd rather stay at home, shop online, and pick out new draperies.

What's your next move?
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Easy.....'Happy Wife, Happy Life'.....let her stay home.

No use having the both of you burn out.
 
Master Bedroom: Let the wife stay at home or send her to work?
drusso said:
Currently, the wife sees patients in the pain clinic 2.5 days per week doing CBT and other mental health work with the altered comfort and quasi-addicted crowd. It's burning her out. She'd rather stay at home, shop online, and pick out new draperies.

What's your next move?
Click to expand...

You are ****ing kidding, right?

Listen to her, explore her options with her, and support her choice, whatever it is.
 
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have her (suggest to her) open up a private clinic to shrink heads for patients that actually pay.

i can see how she would burn out doing this sort of work. which is why we can never find any good psych people.

also, FWIW, if my wife and i worked in the same office, we would kill each other. kudos to those of you who can do it.
 
drusso said:
Currently, the wife sees patients in the pain clinic 2.5 days per week doing CBT and other mental health work with the altered comfort and quasi-addicted crowd. It's burning her out. She'd rather stay at home, shop online, and pick out new draperies.

What's your next move?
Click to expand...
Happy wife, happy life.
 
My wife commuted 3 hours to work a day and was miserable. She then stayed at home for 5 months and was bored out of her mind and wanted to go back to work. Now she's back and seemingly is better..for now..until something happens. It is what it is.
 
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drusso said:
Currently, the wife sees patients in the pain clinic 2.5 days per week doing CBT and other mental health work with the altered comfort and quasi-addicted crowd. It's burning her out. She'd rather stay at home, shop online, and pick out new draperies.

What's your next move?
Click to expand...
I've always felt I (and my marriage) have more to gain long term from helping and allowing my wife find her own happiness, than by standing in the way of that by enforcing a short term agenda of my own. That being said, a couple has to find what works for them in their own marriage. What works for me and mine, may not be the same and for you and yours. Do what makes the most logical sense and what feels right. If those two are the same thing, your decision is easy.
 
If she can do CBT for pain, there are a lot of neat things she could be doing, especially if she doesn't need to make a living doing them. Doing less work with nicer clients might be what she needs more than retiring.
 
SeniorWrangler said:
If she can do CBT for pain, there are a lot of neat things she could be doing, especially if she doesn't need to make a living doing them. Doing less work with nicer clients might be what she needs more than retiring.
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Here's the thing: Her background is hardcore child protection services. She's used to suit up with Kevlar and run into crack houses with the Sheriff Department to rescue neglected and abused kids. She's at home hanging out with child molesters and wife-beaters at Taco Bell during their supervised family visits. Frequently asked to testify in drug and family court. In other words, she can tolerate a range of sociopathy/personality disorders and still find the good in people. We were made for each other. Yet, despite all this, 2.5 days per week in the pain clinic is burning her out. Let that sink in for a minute...
 
Your skepticism implies something else drusso...you mad at your wife or something? Is this a case of “my burn out is bigger than your burn out?”


The only thing that keeps me going in clinic is the hope that the majority of my patients get better and what I do won’t be meaningless. Maybe she’s lost that hope. At least in CPS she could visualize those kiddos having a future.
 
drusso said:
Here's the thing: Her background is hardcore child protection services...
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People change. My patients used to abuse drugs but now they only take what I prescribe...

It sounds more like she's losing her sense of purpose based on the way you make it sound with that patient population of the "altered comfort and quasi-addicted crowd." Why do this if you don't think you're helping?
 
Seriously, we have some rental properties and the net ROI on them is pretty good. However, it will just be more work for you. My wife handles the tenants 70% of the time, but I have to handle the contractors, maintenance, etc.
 
See if she is interested in working from home screening your new patients before they schedule. Can stay home, can use her skills, protect her family (you), bring in income for the family. Should not be too intense and might even be fun?
 
Dr. Ice said:
Woman generally don't know what they want. My wife commuted 3 hours to work a day and was miserable. She then stayed at home for 5 months and was bored out of her mind and wanted to go back to work. Now she's back and seemingly is better..for now..until something happens. It is what it is. Sometimes I think God should have stopped with Adam...
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Seriously?
 
tell her to look for volunteer work that she is truly interested in, and as soon as she finds it, quit. remind her its not about the money, but about finding something to make her happy.

oh and:
People change. My patients used to abuse drugs but now they only take what I prescribe...
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that's what we hear happens, usually it doesn't. don't let them delude you - make them prove it.
 
hyperalgesia said:
So if drusso's "choice" is to quit his job and stay home and not work, should his wife support that choice as well?
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Are you assuming she takes no responsibility for the family's financial health? Or that she's so selfish she would refuse to 'pull her own weight' in one form or another if Drusso could be worked a little harder?

If that's what your wives are like, I pity the fools that married them.
 
DokterMom said:
Are you assuming she takes no responsibility for the family's financial health? Or that she's so selfish she would refuse to 'pull her own weight' in one form or another if Drusso could be worked a little harder?

If that's what your wives are like, I pity the fools that married them.
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It is the reality of most male
physicians that their families financial
health both present and retirement is completely dependent on them. So yes she takes no responsibility as she has none. 98% of male physicians are in this position.
 
DokterMom said:
Are you assuming she takes no responsibility for the family's financial health? Or that she's so selfish she would refuse to 'pull her own weight' in one form or another if Drusso could be worked a little harder?

If that's what your wives are like, I pity the fools that married them.
Click to expand...
How do you think a spouse would "pull their own weight" if not working at all? If there are 3 young children that's one thing but there's no mention of that...

I know several female docs whose husbands have stopped working and stayed at home for extended periods. Snoring when she went to work and dirty dishes in the sink when she got home.

My position is that this kind of thing is common and not fair.
 
Pain physicians are in a relatively blessed position of good income without having to spend all night in the hospital. Surely one of the benefits of this is being able to cut your spouse some slack if they want to do something different? I don't know if you're paying a mortgage or college tuition, but if not, why not give your loved one the freedom to do what she wants?
 
Acting responsibly with regard to the family's financial health and/or pulling one's own weight in a marriage are not necessarily the same thing as bringing home a large paycheck.

As I said earlier --

If that's what your wives are like, I pity the fools that married them.
 
61November said:
Men spend so much time trying to "please" their wives, bending to every irrational whim...until they wake up, divorced at 50 with child support and she's shacking up with the guy at the gym or off on some eat-pray-scissor kick and wonder what the hell happened.

You are a man. Be brave. Be ambitious. Take no prisoners and sweep the field before you. She will follow. And be happier doing it.

- ex 61N
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Allowing someone to find their own happiness, is very different that "trying to please" them.
 
DokterMom said:
Acting responsibly with regard to the family's financial health and/or pulling one's own weight in a marriage are not necessarily the same thing as bringing home a large paycheck.
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Please elaborate. How would a person staying at home and not bringing any money to the household pull their own weight in a marriage? Assuming no kids. Should the wife cook and clean up after her husband in that scenario?
 
It’s a team - you can work together and accomplish your goals - being financially free really. Kids complicate the picture. What drives me nuts is the “#metoo” approach that women take to a relationship not being fair/equal - one the partners works too much, or one is watching the kids more than the other, etc. In my opinion, it’s a team effort, with each person having strengths and weaknesses (personal and professional). You either build something great together or watch it all burn down (some just like chaos/confusion as it draws away from their own flaws).

Some people feel like life should be a Norman Rockwell painting or show of Brady bunch where everything works out in the end nicely and everyone gets what they want (and are happily ever after).

Some people are just not ever happy regardless of the situation - working full/part time, not working, school - doesn’t matter, those people would do well with a therapist, a touch of Zoloft and to delete their social media accounts.

I like to work and provide for my family - I don’t want to have to come home and tend to a pt 24/7 at home
 
People claiming how it “should be” miss the point. People are different. Couples are different. Each couple has to find what works for them. That’s what’s going to make things last. To hell with whatever other people think you should be doing. Do what works for you as a couple.
 
My wife works with me as well. She manages the office. The only way she survives is that she doesn't put up with their BS and it becomes very obvious that she has no time for nonsense. They often complain that she is rude but I encourage her to not pull any punches. I'm not saying anything you all don't already know, but pain patients can suck the life out of a dead body. They could such the life out of a mummy. Drusso, I cannot even imagine how exhausting it must be for your spouse to do the warm and fuzzy behavioral stuff with these folks. If she is accustomed to working, she won't stay home for long and will likely find something she enjoys more than dealing with a very difficult population of individuals.
 
NJPAIN said:
Drusso, I cannot even imagine how exhausting it must be for your spouse to do the warm and fuzzy behavioral stuff with these folks. If she is accustomed to working, she won't stay home for long and will likely find something she enjoys more than dealing with a very difficult population of individuals.
Click to expand...

In between episodes of Guy Fieri's Grocery Games my wife (JR) has been reading this thread over my shoulder: I will take dictation...

  • She finds it amusing that its devolved into a pissing match about gender roles.
  • She says that she prefers and embraces traditional gender roles and rejects modern feminism as an ideology polluted by identity politics and burdened by the false equivalency that sexually dimorphic traits and abilities are fungible between humans. In other words, boys are good "boy things" and girls are good at "girl things" and the skills and talents of both sexes are needed to ensure the success/survival of the species. (BTW, I really do love this woman...).
  • She says that she thinks women should make an economic contribution to their marriages commensurate to their economic abilities. She's accepted long ago that she's "tied to the oars" with me and complaining about it might be more work than just rowing...
  • She says that she's not so much burned out with the chronic pain patients as she is with the health system in general. In her previous roles in the criminal justice system/child protection there was an ultimate authority---ie the Law: Take something as simple as getting a UDS from a patient. In her old professional life, if a client didn't feel like pee-ing she would ask a judge to throw him in jail until he or she felt inspired to micturate. In health care, it's like a half an hour of cajoling and soothing patients..."Gee, honey, it's not like Dr. Drusso thinks you're a bad person or anything, but if you want your meds refilled today, you're gonna have to pee..."
  • Finally, she says she understands that I'm not asking her to wear a Burka or anything (although she also says that if wearing a Burka was REALLY something that mattered to me, and it would bring shame, disgrace and humiliation to our family if she protested or refused, she would just wear it...) but that I should understand that there are "direct," "indirect," and "in-kind" marital contributions any woman makes to their relationship and I ought to consider and proportionally weigh all factors in the equation.
In other words, I think that she's going to get the new drapes she wants for the living room...and I'm going to pay for them.
 
drusso said:
In between episodes of Guy Fieri's Grocery Games my wife (JR) has been reading this thread over my shoulder: I will take dictation...

  • She finds it amusing that its devolved into a pissing match about gender roles.
  • She says that she prefers and embraces traditional gender roles and rejects modern feminism as an ideology polluted by identity politics and burdened by the false equivalency that sexually dimorphic traits and abilities are fungible between humans. In other words, boys are good "boy things" and girls are good at "girl things" and the skills and talents of both sexes are needed to ensure the success/survival of the species. (BTW, I really do love this woman...).
  • She says that she thinks women should make an economic contribution to their marriages commensurate to their economic abilities. She's accepted long ago that she's "tied to the oars" with me and complaining about it might be more work than just rowing...
  • She says that she's not so much burned out with the chronic pain patients as she is with the health system in general. In her previous roles in the criminal justice system/child protection there was an ultimate authority---ie the Law: Take something as simple as getting a UDS from a patient. In her old professional life, if a client didn't feel like pee-ing she would ask a judge to throw him in jail until he or she felt inspired to micturate. In health care, it's like a half an hour of cajoling and soothing patients..."Gee, honey, it's not like Dr. Drusso thinks you're a bad person or anything, but if you want your meds refilled today, you're gonna have to pee..."
  • Finally, she says she understands that I'm not asking her to wear a Burka or anything (although she also says that if wearing a Burka was REALLY something that mattered to me, and it would bring shame, disgrace and humiliation to our family if she protested or refused, she would just wear it...) but that I should understand that there are "direct," "indirect," and "in-kind" marital contributions any woman makes to their relationship and I ought to consider and proportionally weigh all factors in the equation.
In other words, I think that she's going to get the new drapes she wants for the living room...and I'm going to pay for them.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you've got a keeper
 
drusso said:
  • She says that she thinks women should make an economic contribution to their marriages commensurate to their economic abilities. She's accepted long ago that she's "tied to the oars" with me and complaining about it might be more work than just rowing...
  • She says that she's not so much burned out with the chronic pain patients as she is with the health system in general.....
Click to expand...
BTW...I think I love this woman too. 🙂 (Brilliant answers..I too am burned out on health system in general.)

I begged my wife to quit for about two years before she finally caved and did. She seems more busy now than when she had a full time job (she worked health care as well). I'm so glad she quit.

She recently decided to drive for UBER/LYFT a few hours a day and loves that.

Anyway, I hope you "make" her quit.
 
drusso said:
In between episodes of Guy Fieri's Grocery Games my wife (JR) has been reading this thread over my shoulder: I will take dictation...

  • She finds it amusing that its devolved into a pissing match about gender roles.
  • She says that she prefers and embraces traditional gender roles and rejects modern feminism as an ideology polluted by identity politics and burdened by the false equivalency that sexually dimorphic traits and abilities are fungible between humans. In other words, boys are good "boy things" and girls are good at "girl things" and the skills and talents of both sexes are needed to ensure the success/survival of the species. (BTW, I really do love this woman...).
  • She says that she thinks women should make an economic contribution to their marriages commensurate to their economic abilities. She's accepted long ago that she's "tied to the oars" with me and complaining about it might be more work than just rowing...
  • She says that she's not so much burned out with the chronic pain patients as she is with the health system in general. In her previous roles in the criminal justice system/child protection there was an ultimate authority---ie the Law: Take something as simple as getting a UDS from a patient. In her old professional life, if a client didn't feel like pee-ing she would ask a judge to throw him in jail until he or she felt inspired to micturate. In health care, it's like a half an hour of cajoling and soothing patients..."Gee, honey, it's not like Dr. Drusso thinks you're a bad person or anything, but if you want your meds refilled today, you're gonna have to pee..."
  • Finally, she says she understands that I'm not asking her to wear a Burka or anything (although she also says that if wearing a Burka was REALLY something that mattered to me, and it would bring shame, disgrace and humiliation to our family if she protested or refused, she would just wear it...) but that I should understand that there are "direct," "indirect," and "in-kind" marital contributions any woman makes to their relationship and I ought to consider and proportionally weigh all factors in the equation.
In other words, I think that she's going to get the new drapes she wants for the living room...and I'm going to pay for them.
Click to expand...

drusso,

Why not have your wife manage aspects of your practice from home? Will save you paying an office manager. You've also stated that behavioral/social services in chronic pain management are not reimbursed adequately correct?

I think you previously stated your wife was a tri-athlete. Why not have her oversee the Regen. Med. component of your practice? The joy should return immediately.

And, some may not see this as a serious concern, but in the event that one of your patients goes off the deep end, and something were to happen at the office, better that both of you are not there at the same time.
 
drusso said:
In between episodes of Guy Fieri's Grocery Games my wife (JR) has been reading this thread over my shoulder: I will take dictation...

  • She finds it amusing that its devolved into a pissing match about gender roles.
  • She says that she prefers and embraces traditional gender roles and rejects modern feminism as an ideology polluted by identity politics and burdened by the false equivalency that sexually dimorphic traits and abilities are fungible between humans. In other words, boys are good "boy things" and girls are good at "girl things" and the skills and talents of both sexes are needed to ensure the success/survival of the species. (BTW, I really do love this woman...).
  • She says that she thinks women should make an economic contribution to their marriages commensurate to their economic abilities. She's accepted long ago that she's "tied to the oars" with me and complaining about it might be more work than just rowing...
  • She says that she's not so much burned out with the chronic pain patients as she is with the health system in general. In her previous roles in the criminal justice system/child protection there was an ultimate authority---ie the Law: Take something as simple as getting a UDS from a patient. In her old professional life, if a client didn't feel like pee-ing she would ask a judge to throw him in jail until he or she felt inspired to micturate. In health care, it's like a half an hour of cajoling and soothing patients..."Gee, honey, it's not like Dr. Drusso thinks you're a bad person or anything, but if you want your meds refilled today, you're gonna have to pee..."
  • Finally, she says she understands that I'm not asking her to wear a Burka or anything (although she also says that if wearing a Burka was REALLY something that mattered to me, and it would bring shame, disgrace and humiliation to our family if she protested or refused, she would just wear it...) but that I should understand that there are "direct," "indirect," and "in-kind" marital contributions any woman makes to their relationship and I ought to consider and proportionally weigh all factors in the equation.
In other words, I think that she's going to get the new drapes she wants for the living room...and I'm going to pay for them.
Click to expand...
Okay, let's just cut through the bullcrap and get to the heart of the matter. If she gets her way, do you get more or not?
And yes, you know exactly what I mean. Because we've all been tiptoeing around the edges, but that's what it really comes down to or not, right?
Let's face it, getting your way, sometimes just isn't worth it if you lose the war, if you know what I mean. Just make two columns:

Column A: How much you're gonna get if you "win" and she stays or gets more unhappy, versus,
Column B: How much you're gonna get if she gets her way and is generally happier and more relaxed.

Marriage is a negotiation. Do the math. Choose whichever is a bigger number. Case closed.
 
I would never marry a woman that didn't want to work, there are plenty of freeloaders out there
 
I married a fellow medical student. We both did 5 years of residency / fellowship. We had kids, more than I wanted (What? You're pregnant again?). She worked part time (10 hrs/wk) while I busted my tail to afford the essentials - big house, maid, nannies, private school. She made $35k the last year we were married. The court wouldn't impute additional income to her even though all kids in school. Now I'm paying five figures a month between alimony and child support to an MD with a yoga habit. Be careful what status quo you establish bro.

Flannel to camisole ratio. It's a euphemism for sex. How many nights per week/month she puts on the flannel pj chastity belt vs the sexy cami. If you have to ask, you're getting more than most of us. Her not working may translate into more sex, just not with you.
 
ParaVert said:
I married a fellow medical student. We both did 5 years of residency / fellowship. We had kids, more than I wanted (What? You're pregnant again?). She worked part time (10 hrs/wk) while I busted my tail to afford the essentials - big house, maid, nannies, private school. She made $35k the last year we were married. The court wouldn't impute additional income to her even though all kids in school. Now I'm paying five figures a month between alimony and child support to an MD with a yoga habit. Be careful what status quo you establish bro.

Flannel to camisole ratio. It's a euphemism for sex. How many nights per week/month she puts on the flannel pj chastity belt vs the sexy cami. If you have to ask, you're getting more than most of us. Her not working may translate into more sex, just not with you.
Click to expand...

WTF. How on earth can a court not impute more income to a doctor? Does she have some kind of disability or chronic pain she's claiming???
 
ParaVert said:
I married a fellow medical student. We both did 5 years of residency / fellowship. We had kids, more than I wanted (What? You're pregnant again?). She worked part time (10 hrs/wk) while I busted my tail to afford the essentials - big house, maid, nannies, private school. She made $35k the last year we were married. The court wouldn't impute additional income to her even though all kids in school. Now I'm paying five figures a month between alimony and child support to an MD with a yoga habit. Be careful what status quo you establish bro.

Flannel to camisole ratio. It's a euphemism for sex. How many nights per week/month she puts on the flannel pj chastity belt vs the sexy cami. If you have to ask, you're getting more than most of us. Her not working may translate into more sex, just not with you.
Click to expand...
Five figures for several kids could be worse. A doc friend of mine has an ex who's got him by the cojones in California. She's got the daughter, the boyfriend, the free money, the bulldog lawyer. I think he's paying 100k+ in alimony and CS. The ex never worked. Even though he's allowed to share custody of the kid, in reality she holds the key and uses this power to taunt and otherwise torture him. They live in different states and she insists on traveling with the daughter on visits.
 
ParaVert said:
I married a fellow medical student. We both did 5 years of residency / fellowship. We had kids, more than I wanted (What? You're pregnant again?). She worked part time (10 hrs/wk) while I busted my tail to afford the essentials - big house, maid, nannies, private school. She made $35k the last year we were married. The court wouldn't impute additional income to her even though all kids in school. Now I'm paying five figures a month between alimony and child support to an MD with a yoga habit. Be careful what status quo you establish bro.

Flannel to camisole ratio. It's a euphemism for sex. How many nights per week/month she puts on the flannel pj chastity belt vs the sexy cami. If you have to ask, you're getting more than most of us. Her not working may translate into more sex, just not with you.
Click to expand...

This is terrible! It is one reason that my wife and I did extensive pre-marital counseling with an attorney/a relationship specialist/rabbi before we tied the knot and banged out: Life insurance, disability, durable powers of attorneys, wills, my student loans, her pre-existing debt, her student loans, my pre-existing debt, prior legal matters from a previous relationships, and yes a PRE-NUP. With her background in family court, she'd seen BOTH men and women screwed-over by divorce judges.

We meet every other year with our family attorney and go over everything. I would say the initial investment was $3K ten years ago and the re-occurring biennial meeting is $450. Chump change and cheap insurance in comparison to the catastrophic situation @ParaVert describes above...

These are essential pieces of any long-term agreement. It is not romantic, but before any potentially high-earning MD/DO ties the knot (man or woman), you must iron out this stuff. Always remember: What's your out?
 
That's 5 figures a month, bro. A lot of guys here in the Bible belt get stuck with LIFETIME alimony for 10+ years of marriage. Not me. Still, there's a lot of TFESIs between me and freedom.

Chris Rock said that women, children, and animals are loved unconditionally. A man's value is in what he can provide. At no point in my life was that more true than inside the courtroom. All that hard work chasing the cat was rewarded with more hard work (euphemism courtesy of George Clinton and the P Funk).

Athol Kay's MMSLP, Rational Male, NMMNG, red pill / blue pill paradigm. Taking the red pill may make your relationship better, but not necessarily your current relationship. You can't change someone by changing yourself. Just like the psychiatrist's light bulb - it has to want to change.
 
61November said:
I think marriage to your average "modern" woman is all risk and no reward. The only reason to get married is if you want kids, and even then your life can still be hell.

I say this as a married man, with a traditional Catholic wife.

The courts and the state have become big Daddy and many women mercilessly abuse the powers they should never have been granted, to the great detriment of themselves, their families, and our society as a whole.

The Rational Male

The above website may help some of you guys move that flannel:camisole ratio in the right direction

- ex 61N
Click to expand...

My wife has basically told me what this article says when we talked about our past relationships.
 
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