the main reason i'm not quitting is that i have some nobel laureate on my ass and if i quit now all my active projects would have no where to go and i'd be fvcking everyone over.
while i'm possibly frustrated, i'm not completely devoid of all sense of moral responsibility
Ah, sluox, that sounds like the endless justification that en-sepulchers us into those institutional beings that we could become, those stony-winged creatures that inhabited the cornices of the buildings where you went to college.
The invocation of moral responsibility would make a sophist spin, but I hope you don't really believe such sententious rhetoric: you're making an equivalent,
mutatis mutandis, of Pascal's Wager. As many others are as well, given that the experience of training is often different from what was expected, and no one knows exactly what lies on the other side.
Of a large set of individuals who matriculate into MD/PhD programs, fear, arrogance and intelligence are powerful impetuses: a fear of closing doors, a palpable sense of arrogance about
simply having an MD, or for the truly brave,
just a PhD, and the intelligence to sustain their misguided belief in the latter while providing the crippling foresight that is at the root of the former.
These factors may allow, nay, insist! on excellence during college and the training program itself, but this unhappy triad loses its coordinated flow forward as the options grow murky and real choices must be made: each is a master in its own right, each possibly leading down its own road.
Before that road grows murkier, students in MD/PhD programs are amongst the most opined about their own training and critical of those who have moved beyond it. Of the former trainee who forges into the world of basic research alone, foregoing residency training, they are admired for their intelligence and fortitude even if the wisdom of their decision is questioned--until they are established. Those who engage in "translational research" (the kind said with disdain) are criticized for their inability to close a door and just do one thing well - why be mediocre in both? Finally, those who leverage their degrees to join the upper echelons of academic medicine without doing
real research, a competitive (read: well paying, reasonable hours) specialty, or private practice(!) are criticized for needing to be in an environment where their dual-degree status alone is heralded, while the cool pragmatism of their decision in a world of uncertainty can't quite be questioned. Admired is the trainee who becomes the revered physician-scientist--at the top of both fields--inspiring respect as they inhabit the role of the triple-threat physician-scientist-educator. And we know how rare that is; a good aspiration, surely, but what are the chances that things will turn out that way?
These sentiments, of course, don't represent the entire corpus of thought that drives MD/PhD's, but they are real currents that can be seen throughout the process. And while this would seem to be aimed at MD/PhD aspirants and trainees, I think it exposes some of the structural faults of training physician-scientists in this manner.
As cynical as this read of the situation can get, it's worth a pause to consider the qualities, besides fear, arrogance and intelligence (half-jokingly) that this set of people I've described possess. Living in NYC, I'm surrounded by people --friends, acquaintances, strangers-- who make up a broad spectrum of professions, thought, and ways of considering the world. And it isn't at all a given that they think the world can be made better, that it's worth their time to help someone (even if the remuneration makes it seem worthwhile), or that thought and creativity are to be valued. On occasion, this contrast puts my colleagues in medicine and science in high relief, and limns around them a common light of relative beneficence, reminding me that there is something about what we do that seems worthy of some self-absorption and focus. And that this latter point can succor us and supersede those negative sounding qualities in the paragraphs above.
But this doesn't mean that comments and complaints about the training are unwarranted, in fact, it's critical. To say, "if you find it so frustrating, why don't you leave" ("if you don't like what America does, why don't you leave?") ignores an opportunity, through the eyes of the frustrated, to see problems that may or may not genuinely exist. That, yes, this process is structurally inefficient, and there isn't an easy, obvious solution. That there is a great degree of uncertainty about what lies ahead, and we, half-breeds of romantics and pragmatists find our dual nature constantly wrestling within ourselves. That we see the opportunity-cost of choosing this route over others that maximize different qualities that we want: more family time, more money, more security, more flexibility, more creativity, more. That it is long, and we change over time, and the reasons we thought something made sense years ago may not persist as we grow. That simply continuing nearly guarantees a modicum of success that is difficult to turn away from. That the success might not be great enough.
MD/PhD... is it worth it? For you, I don't know. Know who in you is holding the reigns, and may your weaknesses never blind you. For me, I don't know. But I do know that these past years here have been full of life and all of its vicissitudes. My program has been a
part of that. Living here has been extraordinary, I've met many life long friends, and I think differently. Those who know me would never describe me as panglossian, but despite not knowing if it will have been 'worth it in the end', it's worth it now. And that's worth something.
-antinomian