Med School and Relationships

[tara14]

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I've read a lot of the posts on this forum and I noticed that a few of you are in relationships or married and I was wondering how supportive your significant other was with you attending medical school. I am living with my boyfriend right now, and we have talked about getting married (eventually) and I'm worried about how attending med school is going to affect our relationship in the long run (i.e. studying all the time and no time for him, finances, etc...). I would appreciate any advice or your own personal experiences in this regards, and if you think a relationship can sustain the rigors of med school and residency. Thanks 🙂

 

[daveyjwin]

For comparisons sake.

My Brother got in the U of M Law (high ranking law school) and his fiance was getting her MPH from U of M as well. They lived off of student loans, with neither of them working, for the better part of 3 years. I don't recall them having any problems that I was privy to. They got married and lived happily ever after.

Myself, my fiance is about half done with her BSN, and will likely get a job and move out to live with and get married to me after the graduates. Then she will be supplimenting my Student Loans with her income from nursing, so hopefully that will work out well. If not, just roll with it, and make sure to make time for your SO.

 

[Captain Fantastic]

My wife was the medical student. We married after she finished her M1 year. The first two years of medical school were easy -- it was basically just like it had been in college. Classes were 4 hours a day, with the rest of the day spent studying. No biggie. The third year was a bit of a culture shock with overnight calls, etc. But it was very doable. The M4 year was a lot lighter. We elected to have a kid that year.

I was working full time (hurray software engineering) and she took out loans for medical school. Money didn't seem like an issue. We lived better than we did in undergrad! My wife's medical school had a family support group for those who needed it. SO's as well as spouses were welcome.

Then residency struck and well -- it sucked. The intern year wasn't as bad as PGY2 (but she had 7 months of inpatient wards the 2nd year -- ugh). Really though, you have a month of a hard rotation, then you get an easy elective and you have time to spend with your SO/spouse. It just rotates through. Some months suck. Other months are really awesome.

Then you're an attending and the world is a happy place once again. We made it and now I'm going back to school as a pre-med student. 🙂

 

[Amy B]

Wow what a great and encouraging story for those of us with spouses and kids. I am worried about residency more than I am with 3rd and 4th year. Glad to hear things worked out for you and that is also wonderful to hear you are now throwing your hat into the med school ring. I wish you all the best on your adventure. 👍

 

[ambernikel]

I am married and have always been concerned to what effects med school may have on our relationship. When I met my husband I had come out of a serious relationship with someone who refused to move away for my school. So before we even started dating, my hubby and I had long talks about my goals and dreams and the commitment involved. He is SO supportive of med school. I really think that is the most important thing. If they aren't commited to school also, then you will probably have more problems. It is a sacrifice on both ends, but for us it is worth it.
We had a lot of adjusting in undergrad school because I went from working and school full time to part time working and more full time school and lots of ECs. I think my hubby expected me to be around more and had a hard time understanding that school/study time is like work time. But once we got used to it things really seem to work out well.
I think anytime you really change roles and schedules to a great extent you will have adjustment periods. But they are workable regardless of the situation if you are both willing.

 

[misparas]

I'm currently applying and I have been married for more than a year and a half. My wife is very supportive and we will finish undergrad together this april. We are mostly living off of student loans right now. I'm sure medical school will be about the same at first. My wife may even work on a masters while I'm in school. Our big decision will be about kids.

Thanks to all who have posted with their success stories.

 

[tara14]

Thanks everyone for your posts. I'm glad to hear about the success stories and that it can work. Med school is hard enough without having to worry about your relationship falling apart. I, too, have had talks with my boyfriend about this and my concerns, but I am worried that it's going to be hard on him when I'm not around all the time. Right now I work full-time and I'm not in school so he's used to me not being busy and studying like a mad woman. But these post gives me some encouragement.

 

[mshheaddoc]

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but I also know a few relationships that didn't last through medical school. Actually had a lecture on it at a conference I was at. It takes alot out of you but if you BOTH are aware and you BOTH make an effort it will work. His marriage wasn't so lucky and a few other marriages were on the line. The speakers said that school/residency took a toll on their lives but some found a way through it, others moved on.

I'm concerned about my relationship only due to the fact that my fiance and I are 4 years apart. When I apply to med school, he'll be applying to residency. Obviously he'll want to stay close to me and vice versa, but we don't have much of a choice. Hopefully things will work out. I suppose I'm more concerned with the "family" aspect of when to have kids than the relationship itself because both of our personalities are suited for that. I feel we know each other well enough to work things out. Then again, I know a few med students who were in relationships then broke off with them due to the SO not really being fully prepared for the sacrafice.

I actually am an optimist about relationships and family. I think more marriages last (from my personal knowledge with friends in med school) than "relationships" due to the commitment. Just my observation with "revelations during medical school" from what I have seen through the eyes of those already in school.

 

[Shodddy18]

I've read a lot of the posts on this forum and I noticed that a few of you are in relationships or married and I was wondering how supportive your significant other was with you attending medical school. I am living with my boyfriend right now, and we have talked about getting married (eventually) and I'm worried about how attending med school is going to affect our relationship in the long run (i.e. studying all the time and no time for him, finances, etc...). I would appreciate any advice or your own personal experiences in this regards, and if you think a relationship can sustain the rigors of med school and residency. Thanks 🙂

You have to have a strong relationship. If it is weak, med school will tear you appart. If you are commited and work hard at it your relationship will survive. I guess a good analogy would be like going away in the military.

 

[72423]

My two cents:

I think the key is to understand ahead of time what the demands might be at their worst. My significant other started this year (I was waitlisted, and hope to start next year), and I knew, up front, that he would be in class from 8 - 4, and then need to study several aditional hours most days.

We had heard from one husband/dad/med student who was either in school or studying 18 hours every day (with the goal of being near the top of his class). We're not shooting quite so high, but still only count on having supper together (with kids) every day, and then some wind-down time (first with kids then just us) every night at bedtime. We also plan one dinner-and-video-family-date for every weekend, and this is working well. I've heard that he has some classmates with significant others who are feeling extremely neglected, as they weren't prepared for the massive amount of study time needed, but we knew what we were getting into! 😱

Good luck, with it, though!

 

[MasterShakeDO]

My wife was the medical student. We married after she finished her M1 year. The first two years of medical school were easy -- it was basically just like it had been in college. Classes were 4 hours a day, with the rest of the day spent studying. No biggie. The third year was a bit of a culture shock with overnight calls, etc. But it was very doable. The M4 year was a lot lighter. We elected to have a kid that year.

I was working full time (hurray software engineering) and she took out loans for medical school. Money didn't seem like an issue. We lived better than we did in undergrad! My wife's medical school had a family support group for those who needed it. SO's as well as spouses were welcome.

Then residency struck and well -- it sucked. The intern year wasn't as bad as PGY2 (but she had 7 months of inpatient wards the 2nd year -- ugh). Really though, you have a month of a hard rotation, then you get an easy elective and you have time to spend with your SO/spouse. It just rotates through. Some months suck. Other months are really awesome.

Then you're an attending and the world is a happy place once again. We made it and now I'm going back to school as a pre-med student. 🙂

4 hours a day??? I'm an OMSI and we're in class from 8-5 every day. But more to the point of the thread, my girlfriend went across the coast to go to medical school and we survived. I'm not saying it wasn't really difficult, but it was well worth it since now we're at the same school and together!
Long distance relationships are a different beast. Hopefully your bf will be able to go with you wherever you end up. Good luck tara!

 

[Captain Fantastic]

4 hours a day???

Her school used a PBL curriculum (Univ. of Missouri). There was a lot of time spent outside of class working up the cases, etc. I remember M1s having lectures from 8-12 and M2s having lectures from 12-4, that's what I was referring to. She was at school 8+ hours a day. I hope I didn't give the wrong impression. Anyway, M1 and M2 seems like an eternity ago and I could be mis-remembering it.

 

[smc927]

I'm married. My wife was with me all through undergrad, and we had two daughters along the way. Now, into the first year of med school, we're closer and happier than ever.

Good luck.

 

[Raven Feather]

My wife was the medical student. We married after she finished her M1 year. The first two years of medical school were easy -- it was basically just like it had been in college. Classes were 4 hours a day, with the rest of the day spent studying. No biggie. The third year was a bit of a culture shock with overnight calls, etc. But it was very doable. The M4 year was a lot lighter. We elected to have a kid that year.

I was working full time (hurray software engineering) and she took out loans for medical school. Money didn't seem like an issue. We lived better than we did in undergrad! My wife's medical school had a family support group for those who needed it. SO's as well as spouses were welcome.

Then residency struck and well -- it sucked. The intern year wasn't as bad as PGY2 (but she had 7 months of inpatient wards the 2nd year -- ugh). Really though, you have a month of a hard rotation, then you get an easy elective and you have time to spend with your SO/spouse. It just rotates through. Some months suck. Other months are really awesome.

Then you're an attending and the world is a happy place once again. We made it and now I'm going back to school as a pre-med student. 🙂

What med school did she attend?

 

[Raven Feather]

What med school did she attend?

duhh, guess I should have read other posts--Univ. of Missouri.