MD & DO Medschool breakup (Long Post)

Started by HamstersUnite
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HamstersUnite

New Member
5+ Year Member
Me and my gf of 8yrs recently broke up. She's in an European Med school all 4 yrs. We have been doing long distance for 3 yrs now, and ever since last year she have become more emotionally distance. She has been blaming me since MS1 for not going to the European med school with her (I am non-Caribbean IMG doing MS3 and 4 in the US), which brought her a lot of stress as she cares too much about us, also she have some family issues in the past 2 years. The stress and the family stuff is causing her to do not so well in school. This year, when I told her my step 1 score, thinking that she should be the first one to know, she flipped out and got furious saying that I don't deserve what I got as I abandoned her and that I have not gone through the same hardship that she did.

During our relationship, I texted her as soon as the attending is not looking. I also spend the whole Sunday face timing her but it's not enough for her, she thinks I am not spending enough effort to maintain us or giving her enough emotional support. It's really been getting difficult, as MS3 is so demanding in terms of studying and hours, Sunday is one of the two (sometimes the only one) truly free days that I have. When I asked 2 weekends free to study my end of rotation exam, she again was furious blaming me that I am not putting enough effort with her and cannot even spare a Sunday for her. Her European rotation seems quite chill, I don't think she understand how demanding US rotations are. Finally, it worn her down and she wanted to split, which also broke my heart.

In her break up text she say I am not a good listener and that I cannot give her the emotional support that she wanted, she also say that she wants me to be happy and that she cannot hinder my success. I feel really guilty and felt that I should have done better, I wonder did I really made her fail? Is it my fault? In retrospect, maybe I did put too much effort into studying, that is because I wanted to match with her so I need good scores as we are both IMGs.

She will have US rotations in the summer for 4 months. I want to go visit her, if I have the chance, to try to revive what we had. However, I am afraid to do so because even if we ended up together again and we don't match nearby, it will be a disaster for both of us. I hate the thought of her dating someone else, including one of her fd, who she is quite close with. I need some advise what should I do, should I try to get back together because I do want to do that?
 
This is a time for you to be selfish. Take care of yourself, get good results in your rotations. See her if you can, but don't put expectations on anything. After all, you have no idea where you will do residency. It seems to me you have shouldn't put your life on hold.
 
My pathology teacher told me that people don’t fail at medschool because they are not smart, but because life gets in the way. It appears life is getting in your way. Now I am sorry to hear this, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Medicine is only going to be more demanding from here on out. Take the break up and work hard to get to,a place where you can establish a relationship that will work.
 
As people have said be selfish. This are your best years if it suppose to work out it'll work out, however you can't let this breakup hold your career back.
 
HamstersUnite said:
She has been blaming me since MS1 ..... which brought her a lot of stress as she cares too much about us
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No. No she doesn’t. If she did, she wouldn’t blame you constantly for her own stress. Man up, have some self-respect, and move on. To be honest, it sounds like you can do better. The worst thing you can do is crawl back to try to revive what is clearly dead. She doesn’t want to be together anymore, leave her to her life and go live yours.


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Thanks for the replies guys, it's just hard moving on, I am doing my best to move on right now even though it's difficult. She is always a nervous and stressed out person and have been my love for 8 yrs. It's just hard I guess for me, and I think for her. I just feel I need closure, she really have given me so much in life and try to put so much into our relationship, that I felt I am in debt because of that.
 
The way you paint this situation leads me to believe that you already know she’s being extremely unreasonable and just want reassurance which none of us can do since we are not involved in the situation.
 
I know this is very difficult to hear, but let her go. She's been with you for 8 years and has been unhappy for a very long time. She's not going to change her mind. She broke up with you. Girls tend to be very final about their decisions when it comes to break ups. She mentally prepared to break up with you months before it even happened, maybe even a year...so she's 1000% sure that she wanted things to end. And after 8 years? That means serious business. Up until this point most girls would be thinking about marriage, kids, e.t.c...but the relationship wasn't working for her and needed to end it. When girls complain, that means they're unhappy.
It's useless running after her, you're only going to hurt yourself, and in the end, resent her. She doesn't want you. I know that's difficult to hear, but you don't need to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Life is too short my friend. Free yourself and free her as well.

Be selfish. Remember you're in an amazing position right now. You got a great step score, finishing up medical school, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Go out and have a few drinks and cry it out. 8 years is a long time. You're going to be okay, I promise.
 
HamstersUnite said:
Me and my gf of 8yrs recently broke up. She's in an European Med school all 4 yrs. We have been doing long distance for 3 yrs now, and ever since last year she have become more emotionally distance. She has been blaming me since MS1 for not going to the European med school with her (I am non-Caribbean IMG doing MS3 and 4 in the US), which brought her a lot of stress as she cares too much about us, also she have some family issues in the past 2 years. The stress and the family stuff is causing her to do not so well in school. This year, when I told her my step 1 score, thinking that she should be the first one to know, she flipped out and got furious saying that I don't deserve what I got as I abandoned her and that I have not gone through the same hardship that she did.

During our relationship, I texted her as soon as the attending is not looking. I also spend the whole Sunday face timing her but it's not enough for her, she thinks I am not spending enough effort to maintain us or giving her enough emotional support. It's really been getting difficult, as MS3 is so demanding in terms of studying and hours, Sunday is one of the two (sometimes the only one) truly free days that I have. When I asked 2 weekends free to study my end of rotation exam, she again was furious blaming me that I am not putting enough effort with her and cannot even spare a Sunday for her. Her European rotation seems quite chill, I don't think she understand how demanding US rotations are. Finally, it worn her down and she wanted to split, which also broke my heart.

In her break up text she say I am not a good listener and that I cannot give her the emotional support that she wanted, she also say that she wants me to be happy and that she cannot hinder my success. I feel really guilty and felt that I should have done better, I wonder did I really made her fail? Is it my fault? In retrospect, maybe I did put too much effort into studying, that is because I wanted to match with her so I need good scores as we are both IMGs.

She will have US rotations in the summer for 4 months. I want to go visit her, if I have the chance, to try to revive what we had. However, I am afraid to do so because even if we ended up together again and we don't match nearby, it will be a disaster for both of us. I hate the thought of her dating someone else, including one of her fd, who she is quite close with. I need some advise what should I do, should I try to get back together because I do want to do that?
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Sorry to hear this but I suspect she wanted to break up with you and was trying to find a reason or maybe even create one. I would definitely ghost her. There could also be a possibility that she was cheating on you.

If I were you, I would look into the bright future. And please don't waste your time thinking or worrying about her. Women rarely think about their exes or even care about them and so should you.

I wish you the best.
 
Prince090 said:
Sorry to hear this but I suspect she wanted to break up with you and was trying to find a reason or maybe even create one. I would definitely ghost her. There could also be a possibility that she was cheating on you.

If I were you, I would look into the bright future. And please don't waste your time thinking or worrying about her. Women rarely think about their exes or even care about them and so should you.

I wish you the best.
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Yup
 
JermanH said:
Girls tend to be very final about their decisions when it comes to break ups
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Prince090 said:
Women rarely think about their exes or even care about them
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^^ One could say the exact same things about men. Generally speaking, some people (regardless of gender) can be major douchebags when it comes to relationships.

@HamstersUnite I agree with all the other posters (save for the two lines I just quoted). If she really, truly loved you then she would be supportive of you no matter how much it hurt her to be apart from you. Someone who demands that much of your time even if it meant you doing poorly in life does not deserve your attention. This whole medicine thing is not like you wanting to run away and join the circus. This is a serious endeavor, one that requires an immense amount of time and energy, but one that will hopefully bring you some personal satisfaction and will allow you to help others. I say round up your fellow hamsters, have a few drinks, celebrate the years you had with your ex, mourn the loss of the relationship, then move on.
 
This sounds like a difficult situation OP, and I'm sorry to hear about it.

We would need more details, but it sort of sounds like this may be what's best for both of you. I dated someone for 4-5 years in HS/college. It was clear we weren't right for each other after a couple years, but it's difficult to walk away when you've been together that long. However, we eventually broke up on good terms, and a year later I met my wife. And she met someone and got married as well.

8 years is a long time. It's tough to walk away from a relationship with someone you've known them that long, even if they're not the right fit, because it's so familiar. Trek into the unknown.

The most important decision you will ever make--far more important than the job you take or specialty you go into, is who you marry. That person and your relationship with them will be responsible for the majority of your happiness in life. I would chose a miserable job and wonderful wife over a miserable wife and wonderful job anyday. No contest--your future spouse matters more than your job.
 
Hi I just want to thank everyone who took the time and commented. I am working on myself and is healing, talking about what happened and hearing things from others outside of my circle of friends/family helps. Even though they are great but they are super bias of course.

I guess my only regret is it happened through text and a quick call, 8 yrs of relationship, I think we deserve more than just that. I know if it happened in a video call or in person she can never breakup with me as it is too sad for her. It also pains her to break up as well, but she is simply not happy over in europe. I know sometimes it cannot be helped, we are both in no contact right now figuring out things for ourselves.

I have nothing but the best wishes for her and I know she will make it to the specialty that she wanted.
 
RangerBob said:
This sounds like a difficult situation OP, and I'm sorry to hear about it.

We would need more details, but it sort of sounds like this may be what's best for both of you. I dated someone for 4-5 years in HS/college. It was clear we weren't right for each other after a couple years, but it's difficult to walk away when you've been together that long. However, we eventually broke up on good terms, and a year later I met my wife. And she met someone and got married as well.

8 years is a long time. It's tough to walk away from a relationship with someone you've known them that long, even if they're not the right fit, because it's so familiar. Trek into the unknown.

The most important decision you will ever make--far more important than the job you take or specialty you go into, is who you marry. That person and your relationship with them will be responsible for the majority of your happiness in life. I would chose a miserable job and wonderful wife over a miserable wife and wonderful job anyday. No contest--your future spouse matters more than your job.
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To be honest, I think she is good wife material and I am attracted to her. Sometimes there are ups and downs of course like all relationship/marriages. She has been kind to me and supporting me emotionally throughout college, so much so that I felt I have not done enough for her. I have no family in the United States even though I am an US citizen, so her family also helped me tremendously all these years. Before med school, I had a job and we could have settled down, she acknowledged that as well ready to get married. But I felt I need to go to med school as that's what I want to do.

She has always been a competitive person, determined to be a MD no matter what and that's why she went to Europe. Once she said she cannot have a spouse of a higher degree as she is, she wants to be equals. When bad things happen to me she has always been there to support me, but we never talked about her academics much as she is hesitant to share them sometimes. I gave her resources so she could do better and tell her that she will do well, but I wish I should have ask her about her fears, know her at a deeper level.

Even though she may not be good at taking test. She is good at talking and making people like her. I think she has amazing language and good academic abilities and if she got into the outside rotation or observership, there should be no problem getting an interview. She never failed an interview before, 100% success rate in getting an offer. She really cannot do long distance anymore, it's so demanding of her emotionally.
 
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HamstersUnite said:
To be honest, I think she is good wife material and I am attracted to her. Sometimes there are ups and downs of course like all relationship/marriages. She has been kind to me and supporting me emotionally throughout college, so much so that I felt I have not done enough for her. I have no family in the United States even though I am an US citizen, so her family also helped me tremendously all these years. Before med school, I had a job and we could have settled down, she acknowledged that as well ready to get married. But I felt I need to go to med school as that's what I want to do.

She has always been a competitive person, determined to be a MD no matter what and that's why she went to Europe. Once she said she cannot have a spouse of a higher degree as she is, she wants to be equals. When bad things happen to me she has always been there to support me, but we never talked about her academics much as she is hesitant to share them sometimes. I gave her resources so she could do better and tell her that she will do well, but I wish I should have ask her about her fears, know her at a deeper level.

She is good at talking and making people like her. I think she has amazing language and good academic abilities and if she got into the outside rotation or observership, there should be no problem getting an interview. She never failed an interview before, 100% success rate in getting an offer. She really cannot do long distance anymore, it's so demanding of her emotionally.
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Ultimately only you can decide if she's the one for you. Ups and downs are a part of life--marriage can get messy. Things come up--kids, cancer/illness, and other things that put a relationship to the test. Long-distance is obviously a huge stress. I agree a text and a quick call is an unfortunate way for her to break up with you. Whether that says something about her or just more how she was feeling at the moment is tough to say--you know her best.

All I can say is marry the right person, and stay married to them. Lots (most!) women are good wife material, and most young women are attractive. The bigger issue is if she's the right wife for you. I'm a proponent of the idea that you should marry your best friend (one that you're attracted to!). Youth fades (attractiveness doesn't necessarily). You want someone you can grow old with--sit on the park bench when you're both all wrinkly, taking 10 medications a day, and needing help with getting off the toilet and wiping your backsides. And you want someone that makes the journey of life a fun and pleasant journey.

Still, plenty of others have different ideas of marriage and do well, but that's my opinion. You have to do what's right for you.

I'm not sure what your last paragraph is trying to get at--are you worried she might not get a residency program in the US? As an FMG certain specialties will essentially be closed to her, but if she is doing very well academically she would hopefully be able to find a position in a less-competitive specialty.

I've known lots of couples that broke up and got back together. Even if you think you two are meant for one another, it may not be the worst thing for both of you to take some time apart. Long-distance is very tough and it sounds like you're both getting near your breaking points (it sounds like she reached hers). Time may help give both of you clarity on what you both really want. Right now it sounds to me like you might be more invested in the relationship than her.
 
HamstersUnite said:
Me and my gf of 8yrs recently broke up. She's in an European Med school all 4 yrs. We have been doing long distance for 3 yrs now, and ever since last year she have become more emotionally distance. She has been blaming me since MS1 for not going to the European med school with her (I am non-Caribbean IMG doing MS3 and 4 in the US), which brought her a lot of stress as she cares too much about us, also she have some family issues in the past 2 years. The stress and the family stuff is causing her to do not so well in school. This year, when I told her my step 1 score, thinking that she should be the first one to know, she flipped out and got furious saying that I don't deserve what I got as I abandoned her and that I have not gone through the same hardship that she did.

During our relationship, I texted her as soon as the attending is not looking. I also spend the whole Sunday face timing her but it's not enough for her, she thinks I am not spending enough effort to maintain us or giving her enough emotional support. It's really been getting difficult, as MS3 is so demanding in terms of studying and hours, Sunday is one of the two (sometimes the only one) truly free days that I have. When I asked 2 weekends free to study my end of rotation exam, she again was furious blaming me that I am not putting enough effort with her and cannot even spare a Sunday for her. Her European rotation seems quite chill, I don't think she understand how demanding US rotations are. Finally, it worn her down and she wanted to split, which also broke my heart.

In her break up text she say I am not a good listener and that I cannot give her the emotional support that she wanted, she also say that she wants me to be happy and that she cannot hinder my success. I feel really guilty and felt that I should have done better, I wonder did I really made her fail? Is it my fault? In retrospect, maybe I did put too much effort into studying, that is because I wanted to match with her so I need good scores as we are both IMGs.

She will have US rotations in the summer for 4 months. I want to go visit her, if I have the chance, to try to revive what we had. However, I am afraid to do so because even if we ended up together again and we don't match nearby, it will be a disaster for both of us. I hate the thought of her dating someone else, including one of her fd, who she is quite close with. I need some advise what should I do, should I try to get back together because I do want to do that?
Click to expand...
Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren
 
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