my boyfriend won't move for me

[Gabby]

---

Members do not see this ad.

I'll be blunt. You don't think enough of yourself to dump this obvious waste of your time. So, in an attempt to force yourself to do what you know you should do, you ask a bunch of strangers online that don't know you or your boyfriend. Either suck it up and do what you know you need to do or spend your late 20's regretting being someone's emotional door mat for an extra 4 years.

Whoa, bitter much? That's an awfully judgmental way to approach this. First off, I think the OP is the one being unfair. Has she committed her life to him? Why should he pick up and move for her. What would you say if the situation was reversed and he pressured her to move with him to start a new life without putting a ring on her finger? Sorry, but unless you're engaged, there's no reason for your SO to uproot his entire life so that you have someone to come home to during med school.

Second, how does any of this make her his emotional doormat? So many people post without reading the posts. In the post where she mentioned the football game, I believe she also said that he goes with his family. Did I dream that? Why should he leave his family when he's obviously close to them so that he can figure out if this relationship is going to work? Forget it. You're asking too much.

I've done long distance for more years than I care to count and I'm still with the guy. The fact that you won't even try it suggests that maybe the problem isn't with him, but with you. I think you're being selfish.

 

[TheRealMD]

Lol, I feel I need to repeat this again. The boyfriend is not a bad guy! 🙁

 

[Raoul9]

My two cents are that you have to remember that this is your decision, and that means two things:

#1: Congratulations, it’s your decision! Your life, your education, your chance to do what you’ve been wanting to do, near your family (a rare blessing) and in familiar territory! You are young, and there are many things to consider in your life. Perhaps this guy is to one, and so I don’t want to say that you shouldn’t consider how you might make it work, but I would caution against talking yourself into a major concession to an as-yet-unproven relationship…

#2: Be careful, it’s your decision! The fact that you’re the only one with a reason to leave means that he would have no choice but to uproot his life based on your decision. It might sound scary to him to hear you say “I want to go to X school, and I’m not sure I can handle long-distance.” (male translation: “I am in control, making this decision that will impact us both for many years and you don’t have a reasonable counter-offer.”) He might not want to simply say “I’m ready and willing to hitch myself to you, wherever your schooling and residency and career might take you.” He has no reason *not* to move, as you say, but neither does he have any reason *to* move (besides you) so he might be a little nervous.

If he’s worth his salt, he should support you and help you reach your dreams, wherever that might take you. If your dreams are reachable elsewhere and he is willing to demonstrate commitment commensurate with your sacrifice of location/family, then that’s something to consider.

 

[SQUmedic]

yeah i kind of agree with someone who said 2 years is a short time

 

[da me ka don]

.

 

[da me ka don]

I am almost in the same boat, so imagine how personal this thread is to me. I am trying to view things less negatively and try to see things his own way. But things are easier said than done. God help me!!🙄

 

[Just Joshin]

He has no reason *not* to move, as you say,

No reason not to move? How about a family, a job, and a life? This is his hometown and he's been fortunate enough to start his career there. Why should he drop everything to move with her when they're not engaged and she's selfish enough not to even consider long distance?

Who does that? Seriously?

 

[Mombosuthu]

People are all so different. I knew well before one year had passed that my then-boyfriend was "the one." He knew it too. My then-boyfriend is now my ex-husband. My best friend, on the other hand, did not know for over four years that her boyfriend was "the one." She and her man have been married now for eight years, have two gorgeous kids, and are living out the Happily Ever After that little girls wish upon stars for. There are no rules about 'when you know and when you don't' when it comes to marriage/long-term commitment. Each experience is different just like each person is different, just like each world created by the union of two individuals is different. Two years and you don't know if this guy's the one? So what? He may still be the one, sista! And if he is, you'll know it when you know it. Just do what makes you happy and sane. Maybe give it a chance while in med school and if it doesn't work out, then let it go.

This is a real sensible post.

A lot of people are talking all this "if you don't know by 2 years" stuff. But so what you don't know by 2 years? The person above knew before 2 years, and look at what happened? and then it took her best friend 4 years and lo and behold, they're still together.

In essence what I'm saying is, I especially thought those of you who are married will know that it is not white and black. There is no rule that says you should know if you want to marry someone by 2 years. So what it takes you 4 or 5 years? The most important thing is that once you get married, you stay married.

Also, a lot of people are saying that he wants to dump you because he said you should go to your top choice. That might be true, but it can also mean that he wants the best for you. I don't know him or his intentions, so I can't judge him by a statement you make.

Lastly, OP, stop listening to people that are judging your boyfriend. I don't care how many years they've been married or how many degrees they got in marriage counseling. You've been with your boyfriend for 2 years so you know him better. Judge for yourself.

 

[Rotinaj1985]

Dear GOD, please, please let this topic die.

 

[moe_4eva]

Dear GOD, please, please let this topic die.

Even though I'm jumping in late (though I have been following this thread loosely), I'd say let it live!

For my 2 cents, I can see his trepidation at moving, although I personally wouldn't and didn't hesitate to follow for love. My fiancee (then girlfriend) made the decision to move to colorado to start veterinary school at CSU. I followed her despite the fact that I knew absolutely no one, had no prospects, was hired on at a terrible job as a phleb. (was a firefighter and LOVED it), etc. etc. Sure, I disliked it for the first couple months, and even kind of regretted moving, but once I found my groove (new job, finding new friends, etc.), I have actually come to love this state more than where I moved from.

The really depressing part is that now I found out I got into school where I just came from, and me and my fiancee will be apart for a number of years. I'm incredibly depressed at the prospect of leaving her, and surprisingly at moving from Colorado! It's almost comical how the fear of the unknown can be so unfounded in reality. When I finish school, I'm definitely pushing to move back here (or to Oregon, I really like Oregon...).

 

[Habibti]

This is a real sensible post.

A lot of people are talking all this "if you don't know by 2 years" stuff. But so what you don't know by 2 years? The person above knew before 2 years, and look at what happened? and then it took her best friend 4 years and lo and behold, they're still together.

In essence what I'm saying is, I especially thought those of you who are married will know that it is not white and black. There is no rule that says you should know if you want to marry someone by 2 years. So what it takes you 4 or 5 years? The most important thing is that once you get married, you stay married.

Also, a lot of people are saying that he wants to dump you because he said you should go to your top choice. That might be true, but it can also mean that he wants the best for you. I don't know him or his intentions, so I can't judge him by a statement you make.

Lastly, OP, stop listening to people that are judging your boyfriend. I don't care how many years they've been married or how many degrees they got in marriage counseling. You've been with your boyfriend for 2 years so you know him better. Judge for yourself.

It all depends on what you're looking for. I was looking for the one; the knock-me-off-my-feet one. From everyone I've talked to (family, friends etc), if this is what you're looking for, you'll know early. However, some people aren't looking for that. People can have absolutely happy marriages without ever feeling this and even wondering about whether or not they should marry that person. If this makes you happy, go for it. It's not what I personally look for.

As for the anecdote about the 'one' being her ex-husband: Deciding that someone is 'the one' doesn't guarantee that the relationship will work out. Neither does spending four years deciding if that person is 'the one.' It isn't just being in love that makes relationships work. If that was it, everything would work out... all the time.

IMO, relationships require sacrifice. It's called sacrifice because it's not easy. You don't always get what you want. It's not always 'me me me' and 'MY dreams'. There is another human being who you have to consider, and they have dreams too. It's give and take. Compromise. You figure out what is most important to you and he needs to figure out what's most important to him: Is it being together, you living your dreams, or him living his dreams? Can you make it work, given that info?

 

[armybound]

Successful relationships aren't about the "feeling" or the "knowing" or the off-your-feet sweeping. They demand patience, hard work, compromise and sacrifice. Your special someone might not be perfect, but neither are you. You're meant for each other if you're both willing to go through the BS to be with each other because you see that the effort is worth the reward.

Asking him to uproot is difficult for him. He may see the risk of you breaking up with him after he goes through this big personal sacrifice too daunting. Ask me how I know.

I think the OP should be willing to try long-distance. Sometimes it brings you closer together.

 

[fireflygirl]

I think armybound said it best. I also think that it's time that this thread ended. OP, as a girl myself, I can understand your need to get another, objective opinion about your situation, and being in the same situation of sorts, I can understand your frustration and concern. However, you have gotten 4 pages worth of advice, both positive and negative, and some of these diverse opinions have probably confused you even more.

My suggestion is that you talk with your boyfriend and solidify whether you are willing to do the long distance. Only the two of you know how committed your are to each other and no one else can answer that for you. I hope it works out for you - if you do the LD, know that it's not going to be easy but that if you are dedicated and committed to each, your relationship will be strengthened and you will be better partners for each other.

 

[Lindindite]

It all depends on what you're looking for. I was looking for the one; the knock-me-off-my-feet one. From everyone I've talked to (family, friends etc), if this is what you're looking for, you'll know early. However, some people aren't looking for that. People can have absolutely happy marriages without ever feeling this and even wondering about whether or not they should marry that person. If this makes you happy, go for it. It's not what I personally look for.

As for the anecdote about the 'one' being her ex-husband: Deciding that someone is 'the one' doesn't guarantee that the relationship will work out. Neither does spending four years deciding if that person is 'the one.' It isn't just being in love that makes relationships work. If that was it, everything would work out... all the time.

IMO, relationships require sacrifice. It's called sacrifice because it's not easy. You don't always get what you want. It's not always 'me me me' and 'MY dreams'. There is another human being who you have to consider, and they have dreams too. It's give and take. Compromise. You figure out what is most important to you and he needs to figure out what's most important to him: Is it being together, you living your dreams, or him living his dreams? Can you make it work, given that info?

Just to clarify, I used the term "the one" in place of "I was 100% certain I wanted to marry this person." As Habibti mentioned, some people look for the knock-me-off-my-feet-in-two-hours partner and others don't. I don't. And OP, I think Habibti is right in saying, well, saying everything s/he said.

And I double fireflygirl's motion to push the OP to discuss all this with her boyfriend. And OP, I'm with ya on getting as many differing opinions as possible. It only helps to hear thousands of perspectives when you have no clue what to do, as long as you don't forget to constantly return to the truths you know and believe in.

Of course, this is all my opinion, just as all of these posts are someone else's opinion. Best of luck. And remember to use compassion and sense, not fear and defense! 🙂

 

[omgmedschool]

Thanks so much for all the advice 🙂 Yes I would also like to end this thread. I feel like I got a lot of opinions and that is what I wanted. Thank you to all those who really genuinely shared their life experiences and advice with me...I really appreciate it. Here's to hoping that everything will work out somehow.

Officially ends thread!