My Personal Statement - Just The Beginning

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NoPropsInHere

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What do you think?

"I leaned back into the cool, form-fitted leather chair as we climbed through 10,000 feet. I was in the passenger area of the newest model Citation X jet, being flown by a friend of my father. This was the life I had come to enjoy, and it was all soon coming to an end. I left that plane on the tarmac my freshman year at my Ivy League university’s private airfield, and would not get a chance to enter it again for almost 3 years.

Life in college was drastically different than anything I had experienced before. I had no car, no driver, and no housekeepers. Suddenly, all the responsibility of cleaning my room, getting up in the morning, and taking my clothes to the dry cleaners was on me, and me alone. The change was hard, and led to an initial drop in my grades during that first year, but once I was able to move out of the dorms, and into a new, beautiful local villa, I was able to regain a part of my former self. Still, life was a daily challenge to go out and buy food, study for my finance classes, and navigate the bureaucracy of university life. However, I realized that my passion was not for finance, the numbers and equations were just too difficult, and actually, unnecessary. I switched my major to Psychology after realizing my true passion.

One summer in Hawaii, I was out in front of our house on the perfect, private beach of Na-Halu’Koke (the name that my grandfather gave it, meaning The Golden Shore). This was a place I had called home for every summer of my life, and was a place in which I felt safe. But, just as I had experienced a change when I went to college, I had a shocking change here. Normally, I can lie under the sun for hours, and I can tan perfectly. However, this day was different, and as I lay sleeping in the sun on the edge of the bungalow, my skin was being assaulted like never before. That day, I sustained a sunburn across the length of my shoulders, back, and neck. The sunburn was very painful, and lasted for multiple days, it made putting on and taking off my shirt very uncomfortable and I had to spend that time indoors, watching all of my friends enjoy the sun and surf without me. While I sat inside for those few days, I began to realize that the pain that I felt was the pain that the people of the world also felt. I had a moment of realization; I knew that my true calling was to become a doctor and to heal that pain. Just as my skin was burning, so was my desire to be a physician.

Being a physician would be the perfect job for me. Many of my family friends are doctors, and have amazing lives. I have watched them and feel that I would be fulfilled by following that path. Being a doctor would allow me to live the life I had always led before coming to college, and to continue to soar the skies in my very own jet plane. Rising upwards into the clouds, just as I would rise up to the challenge of becoming a doctor."
 
Surely this is a troll thread? Reading this makes me want to punch you in the face. Seriously. This personal statement encapsulates everything that is wrong with our society, and you should seriously think twice about your life in general after deciding it would be a good idea to write something like this.
 
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What do you think?



One summer in Hawaii, I was out in front of our house on the perfect, private beach of Na-Halu’Koke (the name that my grandfather gave it, meaning The Golden Shore). This was a place I had called home for every summer of my life, and was a place in which I felt safe. But, just as I had experienced a change when I went to college, I had a shocking change here. Normally, I can lie under the sun for hours, and I can tan perfectly. However, this day was different, and as I lay sleeping in the sun on the edge of the bungalow, my skin was being assaulted like never before. That day, I sustained a sunburn across the length of my shoulders, back, and neck. The sunburn was very painful, and lasted for multiple days, it made putting on and taking off my shirt very uncomfortable and I had to spend that time indoors, watching all of my friends enjoy the sun and surf without me. While I sat inside for those few days, I began to realize that the pain that I felt was the pain that the people of the world also felt. I had a moment of realization; I knew that my true calling was to become a doctor and to heal that pain. Just as my skin was burning, so was my desire to be a physician.

Being a physician would be the perfect job for me. Many of my family friends are doctors, and have amazing lives. I have watched them and feel that I would be fulfilled by following that path. Being a doctor would allow me to live the life I had always led before coming to college, and to continue to soar the skies in my very own jet plane. Rising upwards into the clouds, just as I would rise up to the challenge of becoming a doctor."

You want to be a physician because of a sunburn? I think you are already flying around in the clouds, come back down to the terrestrial plane.
 
9/10 because OP's done a very good job of emulating what 70% of personal statements sound like.
He didn't include the obligatory "my fascination in the sciences and lifelong curiosity of the biology of life and systems around me" paragraph so -1 for that.
Other than that, very good parody.
 
9/10 because OP's done a very good job of emulating what 70% of personal statements sound like.
He didn't include the obligatory "my fascination in the sciences and lifelong curiosity of the biology of life and systems around me" paragraph so -1 for that.
Other than that, very good parody.
No dead Grandma.
Missing opening onomatopoeia.
 
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What do you think?

"I leaned back into the cool, form-fitted leather chair as we climbed through 10,000 feet. I was in the passenger area of the newest model Citation X jet, being flown by a friend of my father. This was the life I had come to enjoy, and it was all soon coming to an end. I left that plane on the tarmac my freshman year at my Ivy League university’s private airfield, and would not get a chance to enter it again for almost 3 years.

Life in college was drastically different than anything I had experienced before. I had no car, no driver, and no housekeepers. Suddenly, all the responsibility of cleaning my room, getting up in the morning, and taking my clothes to the dry cleaners was on me, and me alone. The change was hard, and led to an initial drop in my grades during that first year, but once I was able to move out of the dorms, and into a new, beautiful local villa, I was able to regain a part of my former self. Still, life was a daily challenge to go out and buy food, study for my finance classes, and navigate the bureaucracy of university life. However, I realized that my passion was not for finance, the numbers and equations were just too difficult, and actually, unnecessary. I switched my major to Psychology after realizing my true passion.

One summer in Hawaii, I was out in front of our house on the perfect, private beach of Na-Halu’Koke (the name that my grandfather gave it, meaning The Golden Shore). This was a place I had called home for every summer of my life, and was a place in which I felt safe. But, just as I had experienced a change when I went to college, I had a shocking change here. Normally, I can lie under the sun for hours, and I can tan perfectly. However, this day was different, and as I lay sleeping in the sun on the edge of the bungalow, my skin was being assaulted like never before. That day, I sustained a sunburn across the length of my shoulders, back, and neck. The sunburn was very painful, and lasted for multiple days, it made putting on and taking off my shirt very uncomfortable and I had to spend that time indoors, watching all of my friends enjoy the sun and surf without me. While I sat inside for those few days, I began to realize that the pain that I felt was the pain that the people of the world also felt. I had a moment of realization; I knew that my true calling was to become a doctor and to heal that pain. Just as my skin was burning, so was my desire to be a physician.

Being a physician would be the perfect job for me. Many of my family friends are doctors, and have amazing lives. I have watched them and feel that I would be fulfilled by following that path. Being a doctor would allow me to live the life I had always led before coming to college, and to continue to soar the skies in my very own jet plane. Rising upwards into the clouds, just as I would rise up to the challenge of becoming a doctor."

Needs improvement


:blackeye:
 
Last edited:
What do you think?

"I leaned back into the cool, form-fitted leather chair as we climbed through 10,000 feet. I was in the passenger area of the newest model Citation X jet, being flown by a friend of my father. This was the life I had come to enjoy, and it was all soon coming to an end. I left that plane on the tarmac my freshman year at my Ivy League university’s private airfield, and would not get a chance to enter it again for almost 3 years.

Life in college was drastically different than anything I had experienced before. I had no car, no driver, and no housekeepers. Suddenly, all the responsibility of cleaning my room, getting up in the morning, and taking my clothes to the dry cleaners was on me, and me alone. The change was hard, and led to an initial drop in my grades during that first year, but once I was able to move out of the dorms, and into a new, beautiful local villa, I was able to regain a part of my former self. Still, life was a daily challenge to go out and buy food, study for my finance classes, and navigate the bureaucracy of university life. However, I realized that my passion was not for finance, the numbers and equations were just too difficult, and actually, unnecessary. I switched my major to Psychology after realizing my true passion.

One summer in Hawaii, I was out in front of our house on the perfect, private beach of Na-Halu’Koke (the name that my grandfather gave it, meaning The Golden Shore). This was a place I had called home for every summer of my life, and was a place in which I felt safe. But, just as I had experienced a change when I went to college, I had a shocking change here. Normally, I can lie under the sun for hours, and I can tan perfectly. However, this day was different, and as I lay sleeping in the sun on the edge of the bungalow, my skin was being assaulted like never before. That day, I sustained a sunburn across the length of my shoulders, back, and neck. The sunburn was very painful, and lasted for multiple days, it made putting on and taking off my shirt very uncomfortable and I had to spend that time indoors, watching all of my friends enjoy the sun and surf without me. While I sat inside for those few days, I began to realize that the pain that I felt was the pain that the people of the world also felt. I had a moment of realization; I knew that my true calling was to become a doctor and to heal that pain. Just as my skin was burning, so was my desire to be a physician.

Being a physician would be the perfect job for me. Many of my family friends are doctors, and have amazing lives. I have watched them and feel that I would be fulfilled by following that path. Being a doctor would allow me to live the life I had always led before coming to college, and to continue to soar the skies in my very own jet plane. Rising upwards into the clouds, just as I would rise up to the challenge of becoming a doctor."

Fixed your intro for you:


"Haram!" I thought of my surroundings. The cold and gilded interior of the newest model Citation X jet was a stark hedonistic contrast to my last 6 months teaching health to a Bedoin tribe in the Sahara desert. "No Wahlid, this is how you put on a condom!", I had desperately yelled many times to a crowd of bearded men armed with AK-47s. Cultural sensitivity has always been my forte. "Assam Alaykom!" (We Love You!) they cheerfully and lovingly responded to my efforts. As a dual major in Pre-Med and Arabic at an elite Ivy League university, I was glad my education had paid off.
 
To give this thread some purpose, what are your thoughts on basing a PS around a siblings death?
As long as it doesn't look like a pity party. I think that would be the biggest thing to be aware of. Other than that, I think that's a fine topic.
 
Fixed your intro for you:

"Haram!" I thought of my surroundings. The cold and gilded interior of the newest model Citation X jet was a stark hedonistic contrast to my last 6 months teaching health to a Bedoin tribe in the Sahara desert. "No Wahlid, this is how you put on a condom!", I had desperately yelled many times to a crowd of bearded men armed with AK-47s. Cultural sensitivity has always been my forte. "Assam Alaykom!" (We Love You!) they cheerfully and lovingly responded to my efforts. As a dual major in Pre-Med and Arabic at an elite Ivy League university, I was glad my education had paid off.
The renown DAB Personal Statement finally has some competition!
 
Not sure why people are rating this 0/10...are you jealous you couldn't write as accurate a parody as OP?
Good job, OP. Just don't post something stupid now and ruin your credit.
 
The renown DAB Personal Statement finally has some competition!

Oh man! Being compared to PandaBearMD (Peace be upon him) by none other than you totally made my morning!

Tbh, I'm not a very good writer and I've always been in awe of Panda. I actually "borrowed" some of his work in writing that:

PandaBearMD said:
The genital mutilation ritual practiced among the Laconda Tribe in the Peruvian foothills looked painful. And it was. Very, very painful. And, as the cermonial dagger was first dipped in the urine of a llama, I don’t think it was very sanitary either. Never-the-less I have always thrived in diverse cultures.
“We need to celebrate diversity.” I said to the flight medic as the Peruvian Army helicopter airlifted me to the hospital in Lima where emergency surgery would later save most of my penis.

“El ******* mas grande en el mundo,” The flight medic said as he adjusted my oxygen mask and I was gratified that he agreed. (I guess my six-day immersion Spanish course was not a waste after all!)…
 
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If there is or will be a South Park episode about the med school process, there has to be a PS like this one in the episode.
 
If I were ever a dean of a medical school, my secondary would ask for a parody PS like this. The OP would be straight up accepted with this PS, no interview required. 😉
 
Fixed your intro for you:


"Haram!" I thought of my surroundings. The cold and gilded interior of the newest model Citation X jet was a stark hedonistic contrast to my last 6 months teaching health to a Bedoin tribe in the Sahara desert. "No Wahlid, this is how you put on a condom!", I had desperately yelled many times to a crowd of bearded men armed with AK-47s. Cultural sensitivity has always been my forte. "Assam Alaykom!" (We Love You!) they cheerfully and lovingly responded to my efforts. As a dual major in Pre-Med and Arabic at an elite Ivy League university, I was glad my education had paid off.


HAHA yes! (except, by "assam alakom" I suspect you mean " Salam Alaykom" or other phonetic spelling, which, though literally translates to something like "God Bless you", is a greeting "Hello!" and not so much "We Love you", but that's neither here nor there. My source is me. Being multilingual is fun, except when English is not your first language, at least in my case). But yes, I would say you've improved upon the OPs PS tremendously. Bravo!

Also, OP, Citation X, eh? You know, in these high circles (you know, the mile high group), the Citation is oft call the Slo-tation. I'd have expected better from you.

And if it's not clear: I'm being glib (I grew up quite impoverished), and I do hope the OP's PS is solely for entertainment and not a serious inquiry. And if it is, I am sure interested in hearing your stories and living vicariously through you, at least for a little while. Oh servants, maids and cooks. Must be nice. And that beach! Perhaps next time I can keep you company.

But really, this was fun.