My personal statement...the opener!!!!!!

[SharpWhistle32]

Advertisement - Members don't see this ad

At ten years old I spent some summer mornings catching goats for vaccinations and maneuvering through cow feces to keep up with the veterinarian and I still had a smile on my face. I grew up in the rural mountains of North Carolina. As a child, I remember my great grandmother and other relatives raising cattle, poultry, goats, and horses as a way to support their families. A host of dogs and cats were also around as companions. I was fascinated at the animals around me. I wanted to help care for and know everything I could about the animals I saw. My great aunt used to explain to me why she had cows and goats, and the importance of having the meat and milk to feed the family. This is where my interest in veterinary medicine started. I stopped being a spectator on the fence, and started joining the food animal veterinarian in the pasture to learn more about herd health.





So...is this an ok opening? Be critical. I honestly don't mind. Any ideas appreciated.


Thanks!

 

[nyanko]

Here's an idea: your very first post here shouldn't be asking people to help you when you haven't done anything to help anyone else. 🙂

 

[Shorin]

Not that I know anything (believe me, my own PS needs help), but here are my opinions.

You know, what I like about this PS is the fact that it immediately shows an understanding of food animal medicine extending beyond the individual. You mention herd health, and show an understanding of why these animals are kept in the first place. There's an appreciation for the animals without delving into "Oh the majestic cows I will save you". This PS very quickly introduces you, a glimpse of your past and your starting motivations, and also touches on your area of interest (I think, if you're going into food animal medicine). IMHO, the first line is awfully long. But ah, the crow calls the raven black.

Initial comment: work on that first sentence! It's a bit lengthy (too much "and"), and it doesn't do you justice as a good hook. It starts out more as a "This-is-the-stuff-that-I-did-when-I-was-little-weeeee" and less of a "HEY! HEY YOU! Lookit me I'm cool. Keep reading."

Maybe take that first sentence, get the memory conjured up in your head really well, and paint us a really immersive image in that same amount of space.