Need advice on situation

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KBSama

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I am accepted to my instate school and I will be starting in the Fall of 2015. Recently, there have been issues at my house where my mother threatened to kick me out of the house. I am a spoiled kid and have been taken cared of my whole life. If I were to be kicked out I would have enough money for the first year of medical school and that's it.

My mom is kicking me out because she doesn't approve of my girlfriend even though she is a first year nursing student and is a great person.

I have no clue what to do if I were to get kicked out. Someone please give me advice on my situation and if I should be looking for good loan rates or anything. (Also I do not have any credit)
 
KBSama said:
I am accepted to my instate school and I will be starting in the Fall of 2015. Recently, there have been issues at my house where my mother threatened to kick me out of the house. I am a spoiled kid and have been taken cared of my whole life. If I were to be kicked out I would have enough money for the first year of medical school and that's it.

My mom is kicking me out because she doesn't approve of my girlfriend even though she is a first year nursing student and is a great person.

I have no clue what to do if I were to get kicked out. Someone please give me advice on my situation and if I should be looking for good loan rates or anything. (Also I do not have any credit)
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Considering most med students live off of loans 100% I wouldn't worry. But don't be dumb, if you were smart enough to get into Medical School, you're smart enough to take care of yourself. YES you'll need loans, duh, look up financial aid info for your school.

I'm guessing your South Asian.
 
KBSama said:
I am accepted to my instate school and I will be starting in the Fall of 2015. Recently, there have been issues at my house where my mother threatened to kick me out of the house. I am a spoiled kid and have been taken cared of my whole life. If I were to be kicked out I would have enough money for the first year of medical school and that's it.

My mom is kicking me out because she doesn't approve of my girlfriend even though she is a first year nursing student and is a great person.

I have no clue what to do if I were to get kicked out. Someone please give me advice on my situation and if I should be looking for good loan rates or anything. (Also I do not have any credit)
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Don't fret. If you get kicked out you'll just be like most other med students-- taking out tons of loans for tuition AND room and board. It's just a necessary evil.
 
Start learning how to cook.

But honestly this is not the end of the world, especially as you are already accepted.
 
First off - Apologize to your mom for being a "spoiled brat" (your words) and knock it off. You're an adult and should help out at home rather than expect to be taken care of. (Even if that's your mom's historical default role.) Surprise her with your helpfulness and maturity.

Once you start acting like a responsible adult (after several months), you can ask to be treated like one. That means asking your parents to respect your choice of girlfriend and not belittle her for reasons that have nothing to do with her character. If you know she's not the one you plan to marry, there's no harm in telling this to your parents. The flip side is that if she is the one, you want your parents to have a positive relationship with their future daughter-in-law. Explain that you'd like to have a social life and bring your girlfriends home to meet your parents rather than excluding them from this aspect of your life -- but that in order for that to happen, they will need to promise to behave civilly and open-mindedly.

If this is a cultural issue (I'm assuming it is), then discuss with your parents what your cultural heritage means to you and which aspects of mainstream American culture you find valuable and want to integrate. This seems to be a very sensitive topic, but really should be discussed openly. Cultural traditions should not be discarded casually, but rather thoughtfully blended into a liveable menage.

And of course, if worse comes to worse, do what everyone else does -- move out and take out loans.
 
Yes I am south Asian. My parents said to get my own car if I want to see my girlfriend. but they own seven cars themselves here. Then when I said i'm going to buy my own they got mad at me.... I have no clue what to do. Right now I only have around 11k and don't think I would have enough for insurance/gas for 4 years of medical school. Any advice on that?
 
KBSama said:
Yes I am south Asian. My parents said to get my own car if I want to see my girlfriend. but they own seven cars themselves here. Then when I said i'm going to buy my own they got mad at me.... I have no clue what to do. Right now I only have around 11k and don't think I would have enough for insurance/gas for 4 years of medical school. Any advice on that?
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Dude, loans will take care of it. Don't do something stupid like getting a job before Medical School. I'm pretty sure most, if not all, med students have loans from undergrad and only a meager amount of savings.

Live humbly, you'll be able to afford it but you need to figure out your financial aid package at your University and make sure you change all the information necessary if initially you'd said your parents would be supporting you.
 
KBSama said:
Yes I am south Asian. My parents said to get my own car if I want to see my girlfriend. but they own seven cars themselves here. Then when I said i'm going to buy my own they got mad at me.... I have no clue what to do. Right now I only have around 11k and don't think I would have enough for insurance/gas for 4 years of medical school. Any advice on that?
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Suck it up for four years to have your med school paid for? Will you be living at home during med school? If you aren't how would they know what you're doing after the next few months?

Med school is expensive. I would sort your feelings out about this girl but maybe just be pleasant to your parents until you move out?
 
DokterMom said:
First off - Apologize to your mom for being a "spoiled brat" (your words) and knock it off. You're an adult and should help out at home rather than expect to be taken care of. (Even if that's your mom's historical default role.) Surprise her with your helpfulness and maturity.

Once you start acting like a responsible adult (after several months), you can ask to be treated like one. That means asking your parents to respect your choice of girlfriend and not belittle her for reasons that have nothing to do with her character. If you know she's not the one you plan to marry, there's no harm in telling this to your parents. The flip side is that if she is the one, you want your parents to have a positive relationship with their future daughter-in-law. Explain that you'd like to have a social life and bring your girlfriends home to meet your parents rather than excluding them from this aspect of your life -- but that in order for that to happen, they will need to promise to behave civilly and open-mindedly.

If this is a cultural issue (I'm assuming it is), then discuss with your parents what your cultural heritage means to you and which aspects of mainstream American culture you find valuable and want to integrate. This seems to be a very sensitive topic, but really should be discussed openly. Cultural traditions should not be discarded casually, but rather thoughtfully blended into a liveable menage.

And of course, if worse comes to worse, do what everyone else does -- move out and take out loans.
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If he's Asian, which I suspect he may be, all of that will just piss his parents off more and blowback in his face.
 
MrLogan13 said:
If he's Asian, which I suspect he may be, all of that will just piss his parents off more and blowback in his face.
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Yeah you are right, it would blow up in my face. It really sucks but I really want to keep seeing this girl. If I have to buy my own car and be in a little debt I would.
 
You have 11K and an acceptance to your state med school. You're actually in a very good situation. Buy a decent car for a decent price, move into a reasonable apartment, and start living life on your own terms. That's what I would do, anyway...but I have zero tolerance for being manipulated. I will put myself out before I will let someone make my decisions, because independence is priceless for ME. What are YOUR priorities? Is a better financial future and a more luxurious home life worth being controlled? No one else can really answer that for you.
 
Sell your Porsche and fund another year. 😉
Then get loans like most people. It doesn't matter how much your parents make/have. You can still get loans. I would keep maybe $5k for emergencies, real emergencies not a quick ski weekend to Vail.
 
MrLogan13 said:
If he's Asian, which I suspect he may be, all of that will just piss his parents off more and blowback in his face.
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Which part of that would reasonably piss off his parents? The apology for being a spoiled brat? The helping out more around the house and acting like an adult instead of an entitled child? Or asking his mother to be open-minded about his choice of girlfriend so he could not-exclude his family from his romantic relationships? Or perhaps it the part where he discusses how his cultural heritage is important and can/should be blended into a workable American life?

Yeah, any parent would be pissed off an adult son respectfully said these things... 😕

KBSama said:
Yeah you are right, it would blow up in my face. It really sucks but I really want to keep seeing this girl. If I have to buy my own car and be in a little debt I would.
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Sure, there might be consequences you don't like. But part of being an adult is making tough adult choices and facing those consequences like the man you want to be.
 
They don't like being talked back to like they're wrong. My dad has pancreatic cancer and I really don't want to leave him right now. If I were to move out I would not be able to see him as much.
 
DokterMom said:
Which part of that would reasonably piss off his parents? The apology for being a spoiled brat? The helping out more around the house and acting like an adult instead of an entitled child? Or asking his mother to be open-minded about his choice of girlfriend so he could not-exclude his family from his romantic relationships? Or perhaps it the part where he discusses how his cultural heritage is important and can/should be blended into a workable American life?
Click to expand...

It might seems nuts to you but South Asian parents are the definition of Type A. The vast majority of them totally expect their children to behave exactly the way they want, anything deviating from that is the greatest form of betrayal, worth being disowned in their eyes. This spills over to marriage, the parents expect to choose a bride for their son.

My roommate in college was Indian, he met his fiancee in January through a set-up from his parents. He too was going to Medical School and had a girlfriend for 4 years. He wanted to marry her but his parents said they'd disown him and take away all of his financial stability if he choose to live a life they didn't approve of. In that situation, he caved, got engaged in February and married in March. I met with him a few months ago...pretty unhappy marriage, but I think that might even be a trend in the South Asian community.

OP, do you, my friend for sure wishes he'd stuck it out with his girlfriend.
 
DokterMom said:
Which part of that would reasonably piss off his parents? The apology for being a spoiled brat? The helping out more around the house and acting like an adult instead of an entitled child? Or asking his mother to be open-minded about his choice of girlfriend so he could not-exclude his family from his romantic relationships? Or perhaps it the part where he discusses how his cultural heritage is important and can/should be blended into a workable American life?

Yeah, any parent would be pissed off an adult son respectfully said these things... 😕



Sure, there might be consequences you don't like. But part of being an adult is making tough adult choices and facing those consequences like the man you want to be.
Click to expand...

Except for admitting to being spoiled, all of that would be seen as being disrespectful to Asian parents. It's a cultural thing, and it's hard to understand if you didn't grow up in that culture.

As a second generation American and a child of Chinese immigrants, I have a foot in each culture. I agree with you, but I also know how an Asian parent would react to a child doing what you said. They'd flip the hell out and probably threaten to disown him.
 
TheForensicGraduate said:
It might seems nuts to you but South Asian parents are the definition of Type A. The vast majority of them totally expect their children to behave exactly the way they want, anything deviating from that is the greatest form of betrayal, worth being disowned in their eyes. This spills over to marriage, the parents expect to choose a bride for their son.

My roommate in college was Indian, he met his fiancee in January through a set-up from his parents. He too was going to Medical School and had a girlfriend for 4 years. He wanted to marry her but his parents said they'd disown him and take away all of his financial stability if he choose to live a life they didn't approve of. In that situation, he caved, got engaged in February and married in March. I met with him a few months ago...pretty unhappy marriage, but I think that might even be a trend in the South Asian community.

OP, do you, my friend for sure wishes he'd stuck it out with his girlfriend.
Click to expand...

That is so sad..... I wish he did stick it out with his girlfriend. That girl must have been crushed......
 
I lived within an Asian-culture family for many years and am very familiar with the type of obedience expected. (And also with the racism that frequently accompanies it.) This is why I would always counsel that such discussions be extremely respectful and that traditional values be explicitly acknowledged and supported to the full extent that they honestly can be. That said, some 'blending' of cultures -- traditional with "mainstream American" is inevitable and should be expected to some degree by any parents who choose to raise their children in the U.S., as the OP's have.

Above all, parents want their children to lead successful, productive and happy lives. Asian parents often have pretty firm and detailed ideas about what those lives will look like, but so long as their core values are explicitly respected and the adult children maintain their composure, things have a way of working out.
 
DokterMom said:
I lived within an Asian-culture family for many years and am very familiar with the type of obedience expected. (And also with the racism that frequently accompanies it.) This is why I would always counsel that such discussions be extremely respectful and that traditional values be explicitly acknowledged and supported to the full extent that they honestly can be. That said, some 'blending' of cultures -- traditional with "mainstream American" is inevitable and should be expected to some degree by any parents who choose to raise their children in the U.S., as the OP's have.

Above all, parents want their children to lead successful, productive and happy lives. Asian parents often have pretty firm and detailed ideas about what those lives will look like, but so long as their core values are explicitly respected and the adult children maintain their composure, things have a way of working out.
Click to expand...

Ideally, that should be the case. But as you know, there are many Asian parents who aren't reasonable at all, and it's their way or the highway. I've been living on my own since I was 21, and that was over a decade ago. Never looked back. That may be what the OP has to do.
 
Yeah it literally is their way or the highway. Should I get a full time job and make as much money as possible to possibly pay for my car and get loans for the rest?
 
KBSama said:
Yeah it literally is their way or the highway. Should I get a full time job and make as much money as possible to possibly pay for my car and get loans for the rest?
Click to expand...

Dude, why do you think you need a job? You have the possibility of getting more than 300K+ in loans, it will cover everything. Once you get out of Medical School you can pay it back. Why are you worried about this?
 
KBSama said:
Yeah it literally is their way or the highway. Should I get a full time job and make as much money as possible to possibly pay for my car and get loans for the rest?
Click to expand...

I thought you wanted to stay around bc your dad is sick? Will they let you live in the house while not supporting you...
 
Yes they said once you leave you're on your own. And yes I do want to stay around since my dad is sick. I'm just afraid of having 300k+ in debt and repaying it back a long time afterwards. They have more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives and pay the medical school tuition of me and my siblings.
 
I can't pretend to understand the cultural boundaries of this situation- but I'm just curious, was there an event that caused your mom to not like your girlfriend? Maybe they need to put their cards on the table.

Again, I've never lived with this kind of situation- but I'll wish you the best. 🙂
 
Basically your choice is to either live on your own and have your autonomy do you whatever you want or keep relying on your parents for more money. Clearly having it both ways is unlikely and SDN is the last place to figure out how to find a solution where you win.

Clearly you want this forum to give you suggestions on how you can keep your girl while sucking off your mother's tit. I'm assuming you're pretty well off based on your previous posts which imply that your parents have the finances to pay for your med school education if they wanted. So instead of that, I'm just going to tell you: make a choice

Sincerely, an Asian American who has seen your situation and variations of it too many times
 
KBSama said:
Yes they said once you leave you're on your own. And yes I do want to stay around since my dad is sick. I'm just afraid of having 300k+ in debt and repaying it back a long time afterwards. They have more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives and pay the medical school tuition of me and my siblings.
Click to expand...

Lucky. How much do your parents make?
 
KBSama said:
Yes they said once you leave you're on your own. And yes I do want to stay around since my dad is sick. I'm just afraid of having 300k+ in debt and repaying it back a long time afterwards. They have more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives and pay the medical school tuition of me and my siblings.
Click to expand...

Also I hate to say this but if you cut ties and your dad gets sicker you'll regret it the rest of your life even if it's not your fault. If you stay make it clear to them that you are doing it because you love them (leave out the financial security part?).
 
DokterMom said:
I lived within an Asian-culture family for many years and am very familiar with the type of obedience expected. (And also with the racism that frequently accompanies it.) This is why I would always counsel that such discussions be extremely respectful and that traditional values be explicitly acknowledged and supported to the full extent that they honestly can be. That said, some 'blending' of cultures -- traditional with "mainstream American" is inevitable and should be expected to some degree by any parents who choose to raise their children in the U.S., as the OP's have.

Above all, parents want their children to lead successful, productive and happy lives. Asian parents often have pretty firm and detailed ideas about what those lives will look like, but so long as their core values are explicitly respected and the adult children maintain their composure, things have a way of working out.
Click to expand...

DokterMom, you can expect a lot of comments along the lines of "lol white people". Having respectful discussions such as the ones you described do not occur in many South Asian households.

OP - Why did you even tell your parents you have a girlfriend? That's rule #1 when an indian guy dates a girl of another race.

You haven't been kicked out yet so I don't know why everyone is suggesting you start looking to take out loans. If you're extremely wealthy you do not want to lose that financial support no matter what. Beg your parents for forgiveness, kneel on the floor beneath them if you must, have your siblings support you. Anyway, why can't you just tell your parents you broke up with your girlfriend and just see her anywhere except for your house. I don't know if you're in college now or taking a gap year but I'm sure you can pull that off for the next seven/eight months until you go to medical school. That way you can reap the rewards of having no loans, and still maintain your relationship with your girlfriend.
 
Disowning a child is a two-way punishment that no one really wants - especially not now while your father is so sick.

So it all seems to boil down to three basic choices:
  • Continue to live as an obedient child
  • Pretend to live as an obedient child while acting like a deceitful teenager
  • Or act like a respectfully independent adult and risk the consequences
 
If I get kicked out is it possible to get a loan for medical school even though I haven't started it yet? And use the income for an apartment, car etc?
 
KBSama said:
If I get kicked out is it possible to get a loan for medical school even though I haven't started it yet? And use the income for an apartment, car etc?
Click to expand...

Yes, you can.
 
Do you guys suggest I get a job and quit when I start school?
 
Ok, judging from the posts, OP you should be very grateful that you didn't even have to hold a job while going to school. However, take this experience as an opportunity to learn how to be independent. No matter what, parents always love their children, maybe try to talk to them first. But if they don't listen, then go ahead and do these:
a) First, you need a job in order to support yourself. If you never had a job before, then this might be a bit difficult, maybe try to find some job at school such as tutoring, etc
b) You need to find a place to rent, maybe ask your friends to see if you can share a room with them for now
c) Don't buy a car now, it's a bad choice since you are low on money (car can be very expensive, gas, inspection, various fees, tickets, ect), it's wise to use public transportation for now
d) Try to ask your relatives for help or talk some sense into your mom. Asian family tend to be very close and they are willing to listen to other family members.
 
MrLogan13 said:
Oops. Missed the "even though I haven't started" yet. Replied too quickly on that one.
Click to expand...

Haha. Don't get his hopes up! Apparently OP is most concerned about the car situation (I assume so he can drive to see his girlfriend?) and that isn't going to be solved until school starts.
 
DokterMom said:
Disowning a child is a two-way punishment that no one really wants - especially not now while your father is so sick.

So it all seems to boil down to three basic choices:
  • Continue to live as an obedient child
  • Pretend to live as an obedient child while acting like a deceitful teenager
  • Or act like a respectfully independent adult and risk the consequences
Click to expand...
Honestly i think the act obedient option is best considering that by making an ultimatum the patents aren't showing the most maturity either.
 
I can work the next 6 months before school and make around 10k. So total I will have around 20k for a car. I really don't know if that will last me 4 years though.
 
KBSama said:
I can work the next 6 months before school and make around 10k. So total I will have around 20k for a car. I really don't know if that will last me 4 years though.
Click to expand...

How will you be paying for housing during that time?
 
Well my parents own a house about 15 mins from the school. I think they would let me live there but I would have to pay rent. I dont know for sure. If I am really on my own, wouldnt I need to get loans for all of that anyways?
 
DokterMom said:
First off - Apologize to your mom for being a "spoiled brat" (your words) and knock it off. You're an adult and should help out at home rather than expect to be taken care of. (Even if that's your mom's historical default role.) Surprise her with your helpfulness and maturity.

Once you start acting like a responsible adult (after several months), you can ask to be treated like one. That means asking your parents to respect your choice of girlfriend and not belittle her for reasons that have nothing to do with her character. If you know she's not the one you plan to marry, there's no harm in telling this to your parents. The flip side is that if she is the one, you want your parents to have a positive relationship with their future daughter-in-law. Explain that you'd like to have a social life and bring your girlfriends home to meet your parents rather than excluding them from this aspect of your life -- but that in order for that to happen, they will need to promise to behave civilly and open-mindedly.

If this is a cultural issue (I'm assuming it is), then discuss with your parents what your cultural heritage means to you and which aspects of mainstream American culture you find valuable and want to integrate. This seems to be a very sensitive topic, but really should be discussed openly. Cultural traditions should not be discarded casually, but rather thoughtfully blended into a liveable menage.

And of course, if worse comes to worse, do what everyone else does -- move out and take out loans.
Click to expand...
I second this. Seriously if you can get through med school without loans or a payback option (i.e. military) then do it.
 
KBSama said:
I can work the next 6 months before school and make around 10k. So total I will have around 20k for a car. I really don't know if that will last me 4 years though.
Click to expand...
What are you doing now? I'm assuming based on the wording of your posts that you're not in school and not working. If that's the case, by all means get a job (if you can find one that will hire someone for only 6 months). You can get a decent used car for far less than 20k. You don't need the money to last you 4 years, as you can take out all the loans you want once you start med school.
However, your best bet is to try to stay on good terms with your family. If you have a way to not go into $200,000 in debt, do it. Try to figure out why your parents might not like your girlfriend, and see if there's anything you can do to mitigate that issue.
 
Right now I work very part time and make only around $100 a week.
 
Putting in my 2 cents as an asian immigrant that has dealt with this same situation (but with college instead of med school):

Some questions you should consider:

would you be able to see this girl in med school? do you see this relationship lasting through med school, or residency (where you don't even know where you will be)?

if you and the girl aren't going to be in the same area for med school, are either of you willing to do long distance for 4 years of med school (i doubt you are ready to get married any time soon)+ possibily however many years of residency?

If this relationship isn't going anywhere, you might be better off ending it now and patching things up with your parents. Family is forever, a girlfriend isn't.

Are you really willing to be on bad terms with your parents for years and not being there for your dad because of this girl?

have you asked the girl what she thinks?

Why doesn't your mom like the girl?
 
She will be attending the same state school. She is a 2nd year nursing student and I intend to marry her.

She wants to get married and be with me.

I asked my mother why she doesn't like her and she said she doesn't like her mom and has a "bad feeling" about her... no real reason
 
DokterMom said:
First off - Apologize to your mom for being a "spoiled brat" (your words) and knock it off. You're an adult and should help out at home rather than expect to be taken care of. (Even if that's your mom's historical default role.) Surprise her with your helpfulness and maturity.

Once you start acting like a responsible adult (after several months), you can ask to be treated like one. That means asking your parents to respect your choice of girlfriend and not belittle her for reasons that have nothing to do with her character. If you know she's not the one you plan to marry, there's no harm in telling this to your parents. The flip side is that if she is the one, you want your parents to have a positive relationship with their future daughter-in-law. Explain that you'd like to have a social life and bring your girlfriends home to meet your parents rather than excluding them from this aspect of your life -- but that in order for that to happen, they will need to promise to behave civilly and open-mindedly.

If this is a cultural issue (I'm assuming it is), then discuss with your parents what your cultural heritage means to you and which aspects of mainstream American culture you find valuable and want to integrate. This seems to be a very sensitive topic, but really should be discussed openly. Cultural traditions should not be discarded casually, but rather thoughtfully blended into a liveable menage.

And of course, if worse comes to worse, do what everyone else does -- move out and take out loans.
Click to expand...

Apologizing, yes.

Asking your mom to respect you as an adult? that would probably end badly. In my experience, respect in is earned, especially in case of asian parents. Telling your mom to respect your girlfriend will come off as the girlfriend is more important that the mom and the mom's authority being challenged.

His parents still views him as a child, and until that stops (which will take several years, and most likely only when he has an actual job/career), telling his parents to behave civilly and open-mindedly will backfire in the worst way possible.
 
KBSama said:
She will be attending the same state school. She is a 2nd year nursing student and I intend to marry her.

She wants to get married and be with me.

I asked my mother why she doesn't like her and she said she doesn't like her mom and has a "bad feeling" about her... no real reason
Click to expand...

have you discussed this situation with your girlfriend? what does she think?

what does your dad think?

how long have you guys been together? is this intention of marriage realistic? or is this more of a puppy love dream (not trying to belittle your relationship or anything)?
 
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