Need to vent

[Grungie]

It's been a couple years since the last time I've posted to a forum and it looked like this was a good one for getting stuff off my chest. Which I desperately need right now because I feel like I'm THISCLOSE to going completely over the edge (not quite in homicidal maniac territory but maybe very nearly ready to chuck everything, change my name, and start traveling the country doing performance art with a trained gila monster and some plastic forks.)

Here I am, almost halfway through fourth year, supposedly the time to kick back and reap the benefits of the past three years. It was all going fine. I was jumping through all the hoops. I studied. I took notes. I looked at hundreds of slides with pink and purple things on them. I came home several nights a week smelling of various combinations of formaldehyde and tuna fish. I allowed scrub nurses and ob/gyn residents to yell at me while fighting the urge to kick them in the shins.

Despite all that, everything was still going fine and I was having a great time. I passed everything except psychiatry. Then I did psychiatry again. It went just fine. It looked like everything was running smoothly. Then I got a little bogged down during my acting internship, missed the deadline for this paper that we have to write during third year, and failed that course. It turns out that the paper counts the same as a clerkship, and if you turn the paper in late you fail (never mind that I HAD been working on the paper and not blowing it off). On top of that, if you fail two third year clerkships on the first try, you're slated for dismissal. No matter what.

So now I'm doing well during fourth year so far, I'm in the middle of doing residency interviews, I'm about six months away from graduating, and now there's a very good possibility that I'm going to be kicked out of med school. Not that that's guaranteed--I am in the process of appealing and I'm still able to continue with all my coursework.

I guess what's really burning me right now (and the reason I posted) is that I feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I can't talk about it with anyone in my class because I don't want to start a bunch of rumors. I can't tell anyone in my family because it was embarassing enough to tell them about failing psychiatry (I've never failed anything before in my life), and it's only going to worry them. The administrators that I've dealt with have been fairly understanding, but only up to a point--after all, it was a stupid mistake on my part that got me in to this whole mess. My husband is the sweetest guy ever, but talking about it to him only makes me feel more guilty about having to drag him into this whole thing. Meanwhile, I'm still going to interviews and trying to act like everything's okay.

To add insult to injury, I just found out today that I can't get any of my federal loans next quarter because of my academic status. Now I have to go home and tell my husband that we have to either tighten our belts and see if we can squeak through on what we have in the bank, or take out an even more expensive loan until I can get the appeal cleared up.

All the people in the dean's office that I've talked to have told me that my appeal will most likely be approved since I've been a good student overall and haven't had any other problems. But I'm at the point where I'm wondering if they're just trying to make me feel better so I don't go off somewhere and take a bunch of pills (not that I would, for those of you out there thinking SIG E CAPS). What if I actually do get kicked out? What kind of work is out there for a med school washout, especially a med school washout who's already in debt $40K+ ? More importantly, am I going to go completely batty from trying to keep up this facade of everything being okay when I feel like there's an axe over my head that's ready to drop?

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[Kovox]

Grungie:

Take a deep breathe. Listen to those people and go ahead and appeal. You've been a great student which will show via your grades so they will know that you're not a slacker.

Thinking of "what ifs" situations is bad because then you'll start thinking and acting as though the "what if" happened, what you feel will show through how you act.

Tell yourself "Da#$()#U, I made it into medical school, I made it to 4th year, and I WILL make it through this appeal"

Keep confident and focus on your appeal, don't let your worries sidetrack you.

-k

 

[Olanzapine]

Grungie,
It sounds like you are in a very stressful situation. It does sound like things will end up working out in the end once you go through your appeal process. If all else fails in the appeals process, there is always the legal route. It seems stupid for them to deny you your MD after 4 yrs of hard work simply because you turned in a paper late and failed one rotation, and I'm sure that a lawyer could make your school see that if your appeal failed. Regarding borrowing money to finance your semester, wouldn't it be possible to borrow just enough money to finance one quater? Once your financial aid situation got straightened out, I'm sure that you could borrow the amount that you missed borrowing to repay the loan immediately. If you and your husband cannot convince the bank to loan you the money, perhaps they would loan one of your parents the money or would accept it if one of your parents co-signed. I would also recommend speaking with a counselor about all of this. I had my own legal troubles from my med school recently, and I definitely found that even though the counselor could not make my troubles go away, it helps to talk about it.

 

[notstudying]

Hang in there, Grungie. The above advice is very good-jump through the hoops now so you can finish-you won't regret it. You have come way to far (and taken on too much debt) to give up without a big fight-think of the reasons you went to med school in the first place, hopefully they are still there somewhere.

 

[DoubleDoctor]

Take a deep breath and relax. I can't believe that the med school wants to kick out a fourth year student so they probably won't but they want you to know that this is serious. Medical education is a huge cost to universities and your tuition is only a drop in the bucket so you have to realize that they have a huge investment in you already and I seriously doubt that they are willing to lose that investment unless you just can't handle the work (which is not true in your case) or they think it's a waste to continue the investment (which doesn't sound as if it's the case). That being said, it was totally unacceptable to miss turning in that paper. You knew in advance that it was due and it should have been done at all costs. Getting a little bogged down is not as excuse and I'm sure that they don't see it as a valid excuse but what's done is done. Talk to them and take responsibility for your actions and convince them that this will never happen again.
Keep your chin up and focus on the positives (like your residency interviews) for this too shall pass.....

 

[Castro Viejo]

You will live through this, just as hundreds of our fellow fourth-years have lived through it. Take one step at a time. Don't put false hope into your administration, and know that you have everything in your power to fight your way out of this. You hold the cards, not them.

And, of course, if this doesn't work, there's always litigation. Seriously. I've heard things.

See you on Match Day 2003.

 

[WSUreds]

Acting Internship......you are at UC.

 

[Gator05]

I'm very sorry to hear about your dilemma...

The saying, "It's darkest before dawn" came to mind when reading your post. Life usually rights itself; my prayers are with you!

Gator

 

[Castro Viejo]

And if dawn doesn't come, find it in litigation.