It's been a couple years since the last time I've posted to a forum and it looked like this was a good one for getting stuff off my chest. Which I desperately need right now because I feel like I'm THISCLOSE to going completely over the edge (not quite in homicidal maniac territory but maybe very nearly ready to chuck everything, change my name, and start traveling the country doing performance art with a trained gila monster and some plastic forks.) Here I am, almost halfway through fourth year, supposedly the time to kick back and reap the benefits of the past three years. It was all going fine. I was jumping through all the hoops. I studied. I took notes. I looked at hundreds of slides with pink and purple things on them. I came home several nights a week smelling of various combinations of formaldehyde and tuna fish. I allowed scrub nurses and ob/gyn residents to yell at me while fighting the urge to kick them in the shins. Despite all that, everything was still going fine and I was having a great time. I passed everything except psychiatry. Then I did psychiatry again. It went just fine. It looked like everything was running smoothly. Then I got a little bogged down during my acting internship, missed the deadline for this paper that we have to write during third year, and failed that course. It turns out that the paper counts the same as a clerkship, and if you turn the paper in late you fail (never mind that I HAD been working on the paper and not blowing it off). On top of that, if you fail two third year clerkships on the first try, you're slated for dismissal. No matter what. So now I'm doing well during fourth year so far, I'm in the middle of doing residency interviews, I'm about six months away from graduating, and now there's a very good possibility that I'm going to be kicked out of med school. Not that that's guaranteed--I am in the process of appealing and I'm still able to continue with all my coursework. I guess what's really burning me right now (and the reason I posted) is that I feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I can't talk about it with anyone in my class because I don't want to start a bunch of rumors. I can't tell anyone in my family because it was embarassing enough to tell them about failing psychiatry (I've never failed anything before in my life), and it's only going to worry them. The administrators that I've dealt with have been fairly understanding, but only up to a point--after all, it was a stupid mistake on my part that got me in to this whole mess. My husband is the sweetest guy ever, but talking about it to him only makes me feel more guilty about having to drag him into this whole thing. Meanwhile, I'm still going to interviews and trying to act like everything's okay. To add insult to injury, I just found out today that I can't get any of my federal loans next quarter because of my academic status. Now I have to go home and tell my husband that we have to either tighten our belts and see if we can squeak through on what we have in the bank, or take out an even more expensive loan until I can get the appeal cleared up. All the people in the dean's office that I've talked to have told me that my appeal will most likely be approved since I've been a good student overall and haven't had any other problems. But I'm at the point where I'm wondering if they're just trying to make me feel better so I don't go off somewhere and take a bunch of pills (not that I would, for those of you out there thinking SIG E CAPS). What if I actually do get kicked out? What kind of work is out there for a med school washout, especially a med school washout who's already in debt $40K+ ? More importantly, am I going to go completely batty from trying to keep up this facade of everything being okay when I feel like there's an axe over my head that's ready to drop?