Not quite sure what to do...true nontraditional here

[helpdoc111]

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I'm a nontraditional student, am a mom and am married. I managed to make it into a great school (accepted pre-child) and have done well in the preclinical class work. Then step one came. We only had about 4-5 weeks of dedicated study time, and I just messed it up. I tried, but I began having panic attacks and getting really depressed. I barely saw my child or my husband. I also had a miscarriage (pretty early in the pregnancy). I still did the best I could, but I couldn't make it through a bunch of uworld. My nbme scores started poorly but improved, but throughout the study time I kept wishing I could just stay home with my kid. I would cry for hours and the thought of hitting the wards started terrifying me (I used to look forward to it). I haven't been sleeping. In the end I think I basically gave up on step one. I took it after a night of zero sleep. I'm pretty sure I failed it and I have no idea what to do. I feel bad for putting my family through the stress of the last two years and I also wonder if it's just a ton of anxiety rearing its ugly head that held me back. My husband has also taken on a new job which will require him to travel a ton , leaving me with a lot more responsibilities. There's a huge part of me that's thinking I should just quit before 3rd year even starts. I just find that I'm not really looking forward to any of it. And then I think of all that we've all sacrificed to get me here and j just feel enormous guilt. But I don't know if this depression/anxiety is worth it and will hurt my family more than quitting. Would love some advice...

 

[togaedere]

First of all, congrats on your achievements this far. Being a medical student is never easy but I know first hand that there are extra layers of challenges when one has been out of school for a while, has a family, and especially has children. Lots of competition for attention and energy and you have worked hard to balance everything to this point.

The wording of your post makes it seem like you have not gotten your score yet. If so, right now you are experiencing anxiety that is shared by many, many people after they take the exam. You are catastrophizing right now given that there are so many unknowns, but given that you have not received your score you are bumping up against the horrible unknown. Right now, the most important thing to do is breathe and wait. Spend what time you have with your family, go to a restaurant, a park.. do whatever you can to reconnect with your support, see a therapist. If you think it would be helpful, talk to counselors at school. It seems like you are really internalizing a lot of feelings and piling on a lot of negative thoughts. You do not know if you failed. (repeat this as many times as necessary).

If this is useful to you you can PM me and we can continue to have a conversation. I just don't want to pile on a bunch of potential next steps without having your input on what might work for you. Message me though if you would like some additional support.

I'm a nontraditional student, am a mom and am married. I managed to make it into a great school (accepted pre-child) and have done well in the preclinical class work. Then step one came. We only had about 4-5 weeks of dedicated study time, and I just messed it up. I tried, but I began having panic attacks and getting really depressed. I barely saw my child or my husband. I also had a miscarriage (pretty early in the pregnancy). I still did the best I could, but I couldn't make it through a bunch of uworld. My nbme scores started poorly but improved, but throughout the study time I kept wishing I could just stay home with my kid. I would cry for hours and the thought of hitting the wards started terrifying me (I used to look forward to it). I haven't been sleeping. In the end I think I basically gave up on step one. I took it after a night of zero sleep. I'm pretty sure I failed it and I have no idea what to do. I feel bad for putting my family through the stress of the last two years and I also wonder if it's just a ton of anxiety rearing its ugly head that held me back. My husband has also taken on a new job which will require him to travel a ton , leaving me with a lot more responsibilities. There's a huge part of me that's thinking I should just quit before 3rd year even starts. I just find that I'm not really looking forward to any of it. And then I think of all that we've all sacrificed to get me here and j just feel enormous guilt. But I don't know if this depression/anxiety is worth it and will hurt my family more than quitting. Would love some advice...

 

[andrek82]

I don't have any great words of wisdom other than to ditto what @togaedere said. I have 2 kids, and my wife had some serious health issues that led to a diagnosis of lupus 3 weeks before Step 1. I had just barely scraped by the preclinical years, and was convinced I had failed Step 1. I passed, though below average, but picked it up in 3rd year where being human actually helps you succeed in clerkships. I'll be starting residency in a couple months just a few blocks from my in-laws. Long story short, if you want to be in medicine, sticking it out is worth it. I'd recommend school counseling services if you have them. They helped me significantly just to sort out what I felt with a neutral party.

 

[futuremdforme]

Is there any way that you can get some more help with the kids now that your husband is away more?

I really do not think you should quit, especially out of guilt about your family. Your family will be so proud of you!

 

[Dr Tony T. Chopper]

I'm a nontraditional student, am a mom and am married. I managed to make it into a great school (accepted pre-child) and have done well in the preclinical class work. Then step one came. We only had about 4-5 weeks of dedicated study time, and I just messed it up. I tried, but I began having panic attacks and getting really depressed. I barely saw my child or my husband. I also had a miscarriage (pretty early in the pregnancy). I still did the best I could, but I couldn't make it through a bunch of uworld. My nbme scores started poorly but improved, but throughout the study time I kept wishing I could just stay home with my kid. I would cry for hours and the thought of hitting the wards started terrifying me (I used to look forward to it). I haven't been sleeping. In the end I think I basically gave up on step one. I took it after a night of zero sleep. I'm pretty sure I failed it and I have no idea what to do. I feel bad for putting my family through the stress of the last two years and I also wonder if it's just a ton of anxiety rearing its ugly head that held me back. My husband has also taken on a new job which will require him to travel a ton , leaving me with a lot more responsibilities. There's a huge part of me that's thinking I should just quit before 3rd year even starts. I just find that I'm not really looking forward to any of it. And then I think of all that we've all sacrificed to get me here and j just feel enormous guilt. But I don't know if this depression/anxiety is worth it and will hurt my family more than quitting. Would love some advice...

Hey im sorry to hear about your current situation. Normlly Id say just tough it out and you'll be fine, but you seem very concerned about the idea of not having enough time with your child, which is a problem I believe will not go away come rotations. You need to have a long sit down conversation with your family before you continue...

 

[Goro]

Very sorry to hear of your woes.

I suggest a LOA, and take time to heal.

Then come back stronger.

And get counseling STAT! Don't be a noncompliant patient...you're going to see tons of them when you're in practice.

I'm a nontraditional student, am a mom and am married. I managed to make it into a great school (accepted pre-child) and have done well in the preclinical class work. Then step one came. We only had about 4-5 weeks of dedicated study time, and I just messed it up. I tried, but I began having panic attacks and getting really depressed. I barely saw my child or my husband. I also had a miscarriage (pretty early in the pregnancy). I still did the best I could, but I couldn't make it through a bunch of uworld. My nbme scores started poorly but improved, but throughout the study time I kept wishing I could just stay home with my kid. I would cry for hours and the thought of hitting the wards started terrifying me (I used to look forward to it). I haven't been sleeping. In the end I think I basically gave up on step one. I took it after a night of zero sleep. I'm pretty sure I failed it and I have no idea what to do. I feel bad for putting my family through the stress of the last two years and I also wonder if it's just a ton of anxiety rearing its ugly head that held me back. My husband has also taken on a new job which will require him to travel a ton , leaving me with a lot more responsibilities. There's a huge part of me that's thinking I should just quit before 3rd year even starts. I just find that I'm not really looking forward to any of it. And then I think of all that we've all sacrificed to get me here and j just feel enormous guilt. But I don't know if this depression/anxiety is worth it and will hurt my family more than quitting. Would love some advice...

 

[doc05]

your degree of anxiety is not normal. take a leave of absence, and get professional help. good luck.

 

[Crayola227]

can't dx ppl on here but you sound.... clinically depressed / anxious or at least high risk
never a good time to make major life decisions

**I suggest you immediately make a PCP appt, get some counseling set up, if your physician recommends medication please seriously consider following through on that, and if you stand to benefit from medication you likely stand to benefit from on going counseling

**Family meeting as suggested above, you have so much invested, unless your husband has $150K+ earning potential coming to him within 5 years, his job needs to take a backseat if that is at all financially survivable for your family

**One resource is the school ombudsman

**If you are diagnosed with a mental illness, taking meds, I suggest you go see your school's disability accommodations office now to work out how to care for your mental health within the context of 3rd year clinical rotations, I have 2 guides here about mental illness & accommodations in med training, a little off topic but there's tips/info that applies to anyone any system any illness
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/thr...ability-accommodations.1179885/#post-17333196
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/resident-friend-joked-about-suicide.1116935/#post-16240366

**this is little guide I wrote about self care
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/how-should-i-proceed.1162787/#post-16954878

**consider meeting with your Dean... but tread carefully

get a handle on the immediate feelings of doom and gloom, do that first, then do some introspection and try to reconnect with why you went for medicine in the first place
there is nothing to gain by quitting before you get your Step 1, even if you failed it, you can come back!

feel free to PM me

 

[njtrimed]

I'm a nontraditional student, am a mom and am married. I managed to make it into a great school (accepted pre-child) and have done well in the preclinical class work. Then step one came. We only had about 4-5 weeks of dedicated study time, and I just messed it up. I tried, but I began having panic attacks and getting really depressed. I barely saw my child or my husband. I also had a miscarriage (pretty early in the pregnancy). I still did the best I could, but I couldn't make it through a bunch of uworld. My nbme scores started poorly but improved, but throughout the study time I kept wishing I could just stay home with my kid. I would cry for hours and the thought of hitting the wards started terrifying me (I used to look forward to it). I haven't been sleeping. In the end I think I basically gave up on step one. I took it after a night of zero sleep. I'm pretty sure I failed it and I have no idea what to do. I feel bad for putting my family through the stress of the last two years and I also wonder if it's just a ton of anxiety rearing its ugly head that held me back. My husband has also taken on a new job which will require him to travel a ton , leaving me with a lot more responsibilities. There's a huge part of me that's thinking I should just quit before 3rd year even starts. I just find that I'm not really looking forward to any of it. And then I think of all that we've all sacrificed to get me here and j just feel enormous guilt. But I don't know if this depression/anxiety is worth it and will hurt my family more than quitting. Would love some advice...

You're going to be fine. Just breathe, and let go of any guilty feelings you have for putting your family through this- you are more than capable of succeeding, or you wouldn't have made it to this point. Just think of it this way: you could have been working 80 hours a week in a dead-end job and you wouldn't be where you are now. You are halfway through a rigorous program that guarantees you will by a physician in the end. You can and WILL make it through this. This won't be the last time you doubt yourself, but just know that you would never have been accepted if you could not succeed. You can and will do this, and you will use this experience to show your child that nothing is impossible.

 

[wxman393]

I'm a nontraditional student, am a mom and am married. I managed to make it into a great school (accepted pre-child) and have done well in the preclinical class work. Then step one came. We only had about 4-5 weeks of dedicated study time, and I just messed it up. I tried, but I began having panic attacks and getting really depressed. I barely saw my child or my husband. I also had a miscarriage (pretty early in the pregnancy). I still did the best I could, but I couldn't make it through a bunch of uworld. My nbme scores started poorly but improved, but throughout the study time I kept wishing I could just stay home with my kid. I would cry for hours and the thought of hitting the wards started terrifying me (I used to look forward to it). I haven't been sleeping. In the end I think I basically gave up on step one. I took it after a night of zero sleep. I'm pretty sure I failed it and I have no idea what to do. I feel bad for putting my family through the stress of the last two years and I also wonder if it's just a ton of anxiety rearing its ugly head that held me back. My husband has also taken on a new job which will require him to travel a ton , leaving me with a lot more responsibilities. There's a huge part of me that's thinking I should just quit before 3rd year even starts. I just find that I'm not really looking forward to any of it. And then I think of all that we've all sacrificed to get me here and j just feel enormous guilt. But I don't know if this depression/anxiety is worth it and will hurt my family more than quitting. Would love some advice...

I haven't taken Step 1 yet but I feel your anxiety/guilt regarding your family and the sacrifices everyone makes. I'm also a nontrad, married with young children. My wife and kids do not live with me during the work week as my school is a few hours away from our house. I typically only get to see them on the weekends. It is emotionally taxing. However, just think where you will be in 24 months....hopefully starting your intern year! The thing that has worked best with me is communication, both with my wife and my kids.

However, as others have said, reach out to the mental health resources at your school or your PCP. One person cannot survive medical school and residency alone. You have to rely on others to be ultimately successful. Take a knee, connect with your family, recognize you've made it this far, and drive on.

Feel free to PM me anytime!


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[wholeheartedly]

I'm sorry you're going through this. A friend recently had a miscarriage and it was extemely difficult for her. I think taking a leave of absence and talking to a professional could be really helpful. Plus the time away will give your family the opportunity to adjust to your husband's position.