opening sentence

[hpa250nz]

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i m finishing up my PS.

can you tell me if this opening sentence sounds funnny?

".To assure myself in making the right decision, I decided to attend (this), a dental enrichment program to help me further explore the profession." .

 

[Livineasi]

ummm...yes. it sounds funny.

try something like this....

To further explore the dental profession and re-confirm my passion for dentistry, I attended a dental enrichment program.

 

[mannygrk]

i like the second version

 

[SugarNaCl]

ummm...yes. it sounds funny.

try something like this....

To further explore the dental profession and re-confirm my passion for dentistry, I attended a dental enrichment program.

👍

 

[aphistis]

ummm...yes. it sounds funny.

try something like this....

To further explore the dental profession and re-confirm my passion for dentistry, I attended a dental enrichment program.

Still no good. Why leave that big infinitive phrases dangling at the beginning for no good reason?

I attended XYZ Dentalfest to further explore dentistry as a profession.

Of course, this version still has a few organic problems that hamper its effectiveness as an opener (*further* explore? The reader doesn't know yet that you've explored it at all!)

When it comes to application essays, though, shorter descriptions are usually better. As Thomas Jefferson put it, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do," and Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

 

[blankguy]

I agree with Aphistis.
A rewrite is in order. I bet a lot of PS start out with something bland like "I am interested in dentistry" or something to that effect.

 

[SugarNaCl]

Yeah, I think Aphistis makes a good point.

 

[DCRedskinsRule]

When it comes to application essays, though, shorter descriptions are usually better. As Thomas Jefferson put it, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do," and Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

...lol...I hope this doesn't get me in trouble here...but I just think it's funny enough to point out that you used two examples to make the same point, and one of your examples was the TJ quote...

...Again, seriously not making fun. Just enjoying the beautiful irony. 😀