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opening sentence

Discussion in 'Pre-Dental' started by hpa250nz, Jun 13, 2008.

  1. hpa250nz


    Apr 6, 2008
    i m finishing up my PS.

    can you tell me if this opening sentence sounds funnny?

    ".To assure myself in making the right decision, I decided to attend (this), a dental enrichment program to help me further explore the profession." .
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  3. Livineasi

    Livineasi 7+ Year Member

    Mar 13, 2007
    ummm...yes. it sounds funny.

    try something like this....

    To further explore the dental profession and re-confirm my passion for dentistry, I attended a dental enrichment program.
  4. mannygrk

    mannygrk 5+ Year Member

    Apr 14, 2008
    i like the second version
  5. SugarNaCl

    SugarNaCl Dental Student Moderator Emeritus 5+ Year Member

    Apr 28, 2006
    Akron, OH
  6. aphistis

    aphistis Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

    Feb 15, 2003
    hSDN Member
    Still no good. Why leave that big infinitive phrases dangling at the beginning for no good reason?

    I attended XYZ Dentalfest to further explore dentistry as a profession.

    Of course, this version still has a few organic problems that hamper its effectiveness as an opener (*further* explore? The reader doesn't know yet that you've explored it at all!)

    When it comes to application essays, though, shorter descriptions are usually better. As Thomas Jefferson put it, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do," and Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."
  7. blankguy

    blankguy 7+ Year Member

    Aug 11, 2003
    I agree with Aphistis.
    A rewrite is in order. I bet a lot of PS start out with something bland like "I am interested in dentistry" or something to that effect.
  8. SugarNaCl

    SugarNaCl Dental Student Moderator Emeritus 5+ Year Member

    Apr 28, 2006
    Akron, OH
    Yeah, I think Aphistis makes a good point.
  9. DCRedskinsRule

    DCRedskinsRule 7+ Year Member

    May 27, 2008 hope this doesn't get me in trouble here...but I just think it's funny enough to point out that you used two examples to make the same point, and one of your examples was the TJ quote... :laugh:

    ...Again, seriously not making fun. Just enjoying the beautiful irony. :D

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