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opening sentence

Discussion in 'Pre-Dental' started by hpa250nz, Jun 13, 2008.

  1. hpa250nz

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    i m finishing up my PS.

    can you tell me if this opening sentence sounds funnny?

    ".To assure myself in making the right decision, I decided to attend (this), a dental enrichment program to help me further explore the profession." .
     
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  3. Livineasi

    7+ Year Member

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    ummm...yes. it sounds funny.

    try something like this....

    To further explore the dental profession and re-confirm my passion for dentistry, I attended a dental enrichment program.
     
  4. mannygrk

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    i like the second version
     
  5. SugarNaCl

    SugarNaCl Dental Student
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    :thumbup:
     
  6. aphistis

    Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

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    Still no good. Why leave that big infinitive phrases dangling at the beginning for no good reason?

    I attended XYZ Dentalfest to further explore dentistry as a profession.

    Of course, this version still has a few organic problems that hamper its effectiveness as an opener (*further* explore? The reader doesn't know yet that you've explored it at all!)

    When it comes to application essays, though, shorter descriptions are usually better. As Thomas Jefferson put it, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do," and Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."
     
  7. blankguy

    7+ Year Member

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    I agree with Aphistis.
    A rewrite is in order. I bet a lot of PS start out with something bland like "I am interested in dentistry" or something to that effect.
     
  8. SugarNaCl

    SugarNaCl Dental Student
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    Yeah, I think Aphistis makes a good point.
     
  9. DCRedskinsRule

    10+ Year Member

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    ...lol...I hope this doesn't get me in trouble here...but I just think it's funny enough to point out that you used two examples to make the same point, and one of your examples was the TJ quote... :laugh:

    ...Again, seriously not making fun. Just enjoying the beautiful irony. :D
     

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