Opinion on personal statement?

[np318]

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Does anyone have any suggestions to improve my outline for my personal statement (below)? Also, what do you think of my excerpt? Is it too emotional/mushy?

Medicine from the perspective of a patient (I was an accident prone child and had a lot of dislocations and fractures)

Medicine from the perspective of someone's who father was unable
to get appropriate treatment
" I was a naïve child that thought I could save the world. Now, I realize that I won't be able to save the world per say, but I would be able to save an individual's parent, child, sibling, friend, or lover; which in some cases may be the same. I know the feeling of losing someone close and having your world torn apart. My father died when I was 15 years old. He was in India on vacation when he had an aortic dissection and was unable to get appropriate care because he was at a farmhouse that was secluded from a hospital and any doctors. Regardless of the understanding that death is inevitable and a normal process of life, the pain it brings was greater than anything I have ever endured.
While spreading my dad's ashes over a holy river, I couldn't help but think that there was no one there to save him and that he could be alive if he had gotten to a hospital in time."

medicine from the perspective of an observer/volunteer
- I was working on a research project in the ED and was able to witness a lot of very interesting things, one of which was a 79 yo white male who presented with an aneurysm that was 6cm wide that was about to rupture and that he was able to get treatment (i was going to relate this back to my father)
- my ECS

Recap of all of my motivation to become a doctor


Thanks !

 

[runrunrudolph1]

Does anyone have any suggestions to improve my outline for my personal statement (below)? Also, what do you think of my excerpt? Is it too emotional/mushy?

Medicine from the perspective of a patient (I was an accident prone child and had a lot of dislocations and fractures)

Medicine from the perspective of someone's who father was unable
to get appropriate treatment
" I was a naïve child that thought I could save the world. Now, I realize that I won’t be able to save the world per say, but I would be able to save an individual’s parent, child, sibling, friend, or lover; which in some cases may be the same. I know the feeling of losing someone close and having your world torn apart. My father died when I was 15 years old. He was in India on vacation when he had an aortic dissection and was unable to get appropriate care because he was at a farmhouse that was secluded from a hospital and any doctors. Regardless of the understanding that death is inevitable and a normal process of life, the pain it brings was greater than anything I have ever endured.
While spreading my dad’s ashes over a holy river, I couldn’t help but think that there was no one there to save him and that he could be alive if he had gotten to a hospital in time."

medicine from the perspective of an observer/volunteer
- I was working on a research project in the ED and was able to witness a lot of very interesting things, one of which was a 79 yo white male who presented with an aneurysm that was 6cm wide that was about to rupture and that he was able to get treatment (i was going to relate this back to my father)
- my ECS

Recap of all of my motivation to become a doctor


Thanks !

The story is very moving, im really sorry you lost your dad. The only part I thought was a little emotional is the one I highlighted. I think that emotion is good but you could always go for something encouraging and medicine related from there like- this helped me grow...im so much more passionate about medicine because...

I was told the same thing by an adcom when I was discussing starting my ps with them. He told me to state the facts, acknowledge they changed you and made you stronger but don't attempt to get pity from the writer because they will have so much more respect for you due to it and he said it also shows strength.

my 2 cents

 

[SunDevilDoc]

Its per se, not per say, by the way. Down by the bay

 

[Slowpoke]

what's that term you use to describe two arguments, and one is blatently skewed so that it sounds so much better than the other?

This would be an example of that word.

The paragraph for the observer/volunteer could have definitely been more genuine.

Obviously the paragraph when you are discussing the story of your father's pass is much more moving.

That doesn't mean that you can't somehow incorporate both perspectives if that's what you really want to do!

 

[0Complications]

Does anyone have any suggestions to improve my outline for my personal statement (below)? Also, what do you think of my excerpt? Is it too emotional/mushy?

Medicine from the perspective of a patient (I was an accident prone child and had a lot of dislocations and fractures)

Medicine from the perspective of someone's who father was unable
to get appropriate treatment
" I was a naïve child that thought I could save the world. Now, I realize that I (won't) Unless you are being informal throughout would say "will not" be able to save the world per se, but I would be able to save an individual's parent, child, sibling, friend, or lover (I might say "loved one" here instead of 'lover')(; which in some cases may be the same)Would delete this, it doesn't add anything and makes it sounds like you're from the South where you have a brother and a sister who are lovers. I know the feeling of losing someone close (There is no felling of losing a loved one, phrasing is off. Might want to go with "I know what it is like to endure the loss of a loved one, or I know the pain caused by the loss of a loved one. This way the pain is related to the event, not 'the event') and having your world torn apart. My father died when I was 15 years old. He was in India on vacation when he had an aortic dissection and was unable to get appropriate care because he was at a farmhouse that was secluded from a hospital and any doctors. Regardless of the understanding that death is inevitable and a normal process of life, the pain it brings was greater than anything I have ever endured. I don't necissarily agree with the previous poster. I don't think this is too much. It could very well be true. The real question is, could you do without it and better emphasize your point in a different way, that you might not otherwise have space for.
While spreading my dad's ashes over a holy river, I couldn't help but think that there was no one there to save him and that he could be alive if he had gotten to a hospital in time."

medicine from the perspective of an observer/volunteer
- I was working on a research project in the ED and was able to witness a lot of very interesting things, one of which was a 79 yo white male who presented with an aneurysm that was 6cm wide that was about to rupture and that he was able to get treatment (i was going to relate this back to my father)
- my ECS

Recap of all of my motivation to become a doctor


Thanks !

Overall, I think it's pretty good. I'm sorry to hear about your father. I can relate to that pain, with the loss of my father.

I made a few suggestions for you. It's not a comprehensive review, but in my opinion it would be stronger with the changes.

Its per se, not per say, by the way. Down by the bay

Is that where you frolic in the hay every other day?

 

[np318]

thanks for all of the advice!!!

 

[Ultimeaciax]

Don't ever use contractions in a formal essay.

 

[redsquareblack]

Does anyone have any suggestions to improve my outline for my personal statement (below)? Also, what do you think of my excerpt? Is it too emotional/mushy?

Medicine from the perspective of a patient (I was an accident prone child and had a lot of dislocations and fractures)

Without reading your draft, it's hard to know whether or not this should be up front. Compared to the next section, it doesn't seem anywhere near as compelling, and so I think that you should probably reorganize your outline so that the greatest impact is up front.

Medicine from the perspective of someone's who father was unable
to get appropriate treatment
" I was a naïve child that thought I could save the world. Now, I realize that I won’t be able to save the world per say, but I would be able to save an individual’s parent, child, sibling, friend, or lover; which in some cases may be the same. I know the feeling of losing someone close and having your world torn apart. My father died when I was 15 years old. He was in India on vacation when he had an aortic dissection and was unable to get appropriate care because he was at a farmhouse that was secluded from a hospital and any doctors. Regardless of the understanding that death is inevitable and a normal process of life, the pain it brings was greater than anything I have ever endured.
While spreading my dad’s ashes over a holy river, I couldn’t help but think that there was no one there to save him and that he could be alive if he had gotten to a hospital in time."

Now THAT'S compelling. This is the stuff that should lead the essay. I have a few ideas for what I'd change, but I won't go too far into it here. If you're interested, by all means PM me and we can work on it.

All in all, not bad. The first sentence of this excerpt is actually a decent first sentence for a personal statement. You might consider reworking the second sentence, for a few reasons:

1. Per say is a common phonetic confusion, but it's wrong. If you're going to use the phrase, you should know two things: A) It's spelled per se, and B) it means "of itself", or "in itself". The meaning is that something is intrinsic, without regard to extraneous factors. You might not want to use it unless you're absolutely sure it belongs there.
2. It comes across a little clumsily. When you list the people you can save, and then follow it by saying "which in some cases may be the same", I know you mean the same as saving the world, but it reads grammatically as though you're saying that someone's "parent, child, sibling, friend, or lover" may be the same person. Ew. After playing around with it, I came up with something along the lines of this: "I used to be a naïve kid who thought he could save the world. Now I realize that I may be lucky to save one person's parent, child, sibling, friend, or lover. To that one person, however, it will have been their world." Maybe that wasn't what you were going for, but it's just off the top of my head.

I have more, but those are the things that jumped out at me from the get-go. Either way, I would strongly advise against burying this in the body of the statement, when clearly it's your strongest point.

medicine from the perspective of an observer/volunteer
- I was working on a research project in the ED and was able to witness a lot of very interesting things, one of which was a 79 yo white male who presented with an aneurysm that was 6cm wide that was about to rupture and that he was able to get treatment (i was going to relate this back to my father)

Yes, by all means do relate it back to the story about your father. That will be very strong, and will give your statement cohesion.

- my ECS

Recap of all of my motivation to become a doctor


Thanks !

If you're pressed for space, I'd consider eliminating the section on your ECs. That's what the work/activities section is for, and unless you have something really important to add, It's sort of redundant.

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents to start. Like I said, if you're interested, PM me and I can help you tighten it up, check for grammar, etc.

Good luck!