Parents and their unreasonable expectations

[funshine]

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You know what I'm talking about--parents so darn proud of their little darling geniuses they think they can get in anywhere.

You are like "Yeah, if I get into Case/URoch/for that matter, ANY school, I'll be thrilled."

Dad: Whatever. Remember to add Harvard/Stanford/UCSF/JHU to your list.
You: Um, I won't get in those schools. You realize this right?
Dad: I can't believe you are just giving up like that! How do you know if you don't even apply!

He also refuses to believe the UC schools only accept cali residents.
WHen I mention the huge amount of money I will be wasting on these application fees, he gets FURIOUS at me, telling me that money should be of no concern. ok, we are by no means wealthy, but I think my dad likes to THINK we are, and he is incredibly sensitive about financial issues.

I really don't want to needlessly spend money on schools I know I'm not getting into, but I actually think this will *hurt my dad's feelings* as stupid as that sounds. Should I just go ahead and apply?! But won't he be even more hurt when I get rejected from those places?

 

[premedgeek]

I also applied to couple of schools because of parental pressure. I knew from the start that I have very slim chance of getting in. To name a few: Northwestern, Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Columbia.

Rejected from Northwestern and Cornell already, waiting to be rejected from Columbia and Harvard 😳 Ahh...

 

[funshine]

I also applied to couple of schools because of parental pressure. I knew from the start that I have very slim chance of getting in. To name a few: Northwestern, Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Columbia.

Rejected from Northwestern and Cornell already, waiting to be rejected from Columbia and Harvard 😳 Ahh...

Ahh yes, I have a feeling I will be in your situation a year from now. 😳
How do your parents take it?

Oh one hand, I'm angry that my parents can still pressure/influence me, and on the other hand, I'm sad b/c I already know I will disappoint them....altho sometimes, I think my rejections will serve them right. They should learn to let me trust my own judgment.

 

[Sunflower189]

Yeah. Happens to me too. What's worse are the multi-hour "you need more self-esteem" lectures every time I try to set them straight. 😴

In some cases, a little education might help. My dad's a genius and my mom's kind of a hick, so they both had a lot of trouble learning to deal with their kid's medium-high ability level. 😱 "What do you mean you aren't smarter than everyone else on the planet? You're (a [Smith], darnit!/smarter than any kid in my high school!)" 😳

They calmed down (some) after I started bringing friends around, both the legitimately average ones and the legitimate genius-freaks. It gave them a bit of context. So perhaps you could leave an MSAR lying around, or trick them into poking around mdapplicants.com, or bribe a smart friend to complain about med admissions within their earshot.

And, if they're thick, as most parents are, you can always pull out the "yes ma'am" and then do what you please. Remember: they're a pain in your behind because they love you, but it's your behind.

 

[DeterminedMD]

You know what I'm talking about--parents so darn proud of their little darling geniuses they think they can get in anywhere.

You are like "Yeah, if I get into Case/URoch/for that matter, ANY school, I'll be thrilled."

Dad: Whatever. Remember to add Harvard/Stanford/UCSF/JHU to your list.
You: Um, I won't get in those schools. You realize this right?
Dad: I can't believe you are just giving up like that! How do you know if you don't even apply!

He also refuses to believe the UC schools only accept cali residents.
WHen I mention the huge amount of money I will be wasting on these application fees, he gets FURIOUS at me, telling me that money should be of no concern. ok, we are by no means wealthy, but I think my dad likes to THINK we are, and he is incredibly sensitive about financial issues.

I really don't want to needlessly spend money on schools I know I'm not getting into, but I actually think this will *hurt my dad's feelings* as stupid as that sounds. Should I just go ahead and apply?! But won't he be even more hurt when I get rejected from those places?

Haaa haaa. my parents at the beginning of this process were like"you'll get in somewhere." Then I explained how hard it is to get in to med schools. After my first acceptance, they were like "well you prbably wont get accepted anywhere else so its good that you liked that school." 😕 Gee thanks for the encouragement........Its always nice to get that extra boost of confidence from them 😎

 

[uclabruin2003]

um theres nothing wroong with case. hurmph

 

[OSUdoc08]

You know what I'm talking about--parents so darn proud of their little darling geniuses they think they can get in anywhere.

You are like "Yeah, if I get into Case/URoch/for that matter, ANY school, I'll be thrilled."

Dad: Whatever. Remember to add Harvard/Stanford/UCSF/JHU to your list.
You: Um, I won't get in those schools. You realize this right?
Dad: I can't believe you are just giving up like that! How do you know if you don't even apply!

He also refuses to believe the UC schools only accept cali residents.
WHen I mention the huge amount of money I will be wasting on these application fees, he gets FURIOUS at me, telling me that money should be of no concern. ok, we are by no means wealthy, but I think my dad likes to THINK we are, and he is incredibly sensitive about financial issues.

I really don't want to needlessly spend money on schools I know I'm not getting into, but I actually think this will *hurt my dad's feelings* as stupid as that sounds. Should I just go ahead and apply?! But won't he be even more hurt when I get rejected from those places?

yes, apply

people get into great schools with terrible stats-----its not all based on that

 

[Sarikate]

Set limits with your parents. Tell them that you are applying to medical school and inform them about the process, and then simply tell them that you want their support. Tell them you are not looking for advice from them on this topic. Apply where YOU want, because it will not hurt their feelings, it will perhaps just confound them a bit. Reassure them that you are applying to places where you feel you would be HAPPIEST and where you think you will get the best education for YOU. Tell them you would appreciate their understanding. Talk to them like an adult, stand your ground, command respect from them. Thank them for their support. Tell them you love them and understand why they are giving you this-and-that tidbit of "advice," but that you need to make this very important decision for yourself! Good luck!

 

[soprano]

Set limits with your parents. Tell them that you are applying to medical school and inform them about the process, and then simply tell them that you want their support. Tell them you are not looking for advice from them on this topic. Apply where YOU want, because it will not hurt their feelings, it will perhaps just confound them a bit. Reassure them that you are applying to places where you feel you would be HAPPIEST and where you think you will get the best education for YOU. Tell them you would appreciate their understanding. Talk to them like an adult, stand your ground, command respect from them. Thank them for their support. Tell them you love them and understand why they are giving you this-and-that tidbit of "advice," but that you need to make this very important decision for yourself! Good luck!

I absolutely completely agree with all of this. As difficult as it is sometimes to break away from your parents expectations, especially given all the support they give you through school/college etc, now's the time to do it. The decision to go to medical school, and the decision about where to go, is an intensely personal thing. Like it or not, we're all about to make huge sacrifices with our lives, and the worst possible thing to do is to realize 10 years down the road that "I went to X school because my mom/dad/sister/pastor/neighbor wanted me to" or "I chose this specialty..." etc etc. Let them know that you appreciate their support through this incredibly arduous process, but make the decision for yourself.

(and also, on a slightly more cynical note, you're going to want something more than "my parents wanted me to apply here" when adcoms ask you at interviews why you want to go to their school... 😉 )

 

[musiclink213]

now, i'm not enforcing this in any way, and i think it's really wrong, but i am surprised no one's mentioned it yet, since it seems like your dad is paying for the apps. So i figure this is the smart, proper, SDN thing to do:

you could always take the money and run 😀 If he writes a check, tell him you're not sure where it's supposed to go, but if he leave the To: line blank, you'll be more than happy to fill it in for him. Course, this might come back to bite you in the butt if your parents look at the check receipt thingie's, but with the cost of apps these days, you could be safely in mexico by then.

ok, does that make me really mean? i'm just surprised no one has thought of it yet.

 

[Sarikate]

This is why it pays to be financially independent! Seriously...one of the (many) reasons I waited three years before applying.

 

[stoic]

or just lie.

"well i applied dad, but they just didn't want me as an applicant. those bastards"

 

[Potato!]

My Dad = "MAYO, well your MCAT score is higher than their average so you should be fine"

......if only it were that easy

 

[davedavedave]

my parents' friends have unrealistic expectations too...i told one i got into jeff in phili, and her first reaction wasnt congrats, it was, "how about upenn?" 😡

 

[nikibean]

If I get in, I'll be the third generation and the first woman in my family to be a physician. If I get into UCSF, I'll be the third generation of my family to attend (yes yes yes I want to go there, but not for that reason!).
I have been put on hold at SF, Irvine and SD. Rejected from Cornell and LA. Waitlisted at UVA. No interview invites since Sept at UVA. Davis, are you out there? SF, please?
So, I told my parents, "Well, since I'm older, I've also been thinking that if this doesn't work out this year and/or next year that I might go the FNP route."
I've *never* seen my dad get so angry. It was incredible. You'd think they'd be encouraging, but nope, now that I made the decision to go medical, it's like physician or nothing. Wow.
And my stats are fine, they're good- it's just TOUGH to get in. I wonder if my age is holding me back (I'm 27).
I had not felt any pressure until that conversation, which occurred about a month ago. Wild.
Even though I'm pretty independent, it's still weird when the padres start pushing. Even weirder for me since they haven't really done that since I was about 20/21. 😱

 

[RustNeverSleeps]

You know what I'm talking about--parents so darn proud of their little darling geniuses they think they can get in anywhere.

You are like "Yeah, if I get into Case/URoch/for that matter, ANY school, I'll be thrilled."

Dad: Whatever. Remember to add Harvard/Stanford/UCSF/JHU to your list.
You: Um, I won't get in those schools. You realize this right?
Dad: I can't believe you are just giving up like that! How do you know if you don't even apply!

He also refuses to believe the UC schools only accept cali residents.
WHen I mention the huge amount of money I will be wasting on these application fees, he gets FURIOUS at me, telling me that money should be of no concern. ok, we are by no means wealthy, but I think my dad likes to THINK we are, and he is incredibly sensitive about financial issues.

I really don't want to needlessly spend money on schools I know I'm not getting into, but I actually think this will *hurt my dad's feelings* as stupid as that sounds. Should I just go ahead and apply?! But won't he be even more hurt when I get rejected from those places?

It doesn't get any better when you get into med school, unfortunately. 😛 Then your parents just assume that you will be in the top of your class or get excellent grades because they think you are so special and smart...It's nice that they are supportive, but it definitely causes extra stress, I think.

 

[Neuronix]

my parents' friends have unrealistic expectations too...i told one i got into jeff in phili, and her first reaction wasnt congrats, it was, "how about upenn?" 😡

That's funny, the opposite happened to me. I heard "What happened to Jefferson?" a couple times and I didn't even apply there (not MSTP). Where I'm from, Jefferson is better known. Ah well, it really doesn't matter.

 

[freaker]

I love my parents! 👍 Seriously, while they questioned me constantly when I was deciding to drop out of a top 10 law school to go this route, they never forced me in any of this, never told me I was being crazy.

To be fair, they want grandkids, and that's where most of the pressure was coming. "You know, you're going to be XX when you graduate med school, and you'll be wanting to have a family, won't you?"

I think my dad believed I'd have an easier time getting in than what I have given my stats and background (still no acceptances, yet, but 6 interviews, and I'm confident one of those is going to yield something). Still, once the early reject from Vandy came in and then the later rejection from UVA, he completely understood that just getting into any school would suffice.

My mom has always been impressed with anything professionally related, and as long as I'm earning enough to feed a family and live a modest life, she's pleased (so long as I pump out those grandkids soon 😉 ) Any incumbators willing to donate 9-months? 😉

 

[abraxas20]

My dad told me really early on that he knew someone at one of the Carribbean schools and could hook me up. He really thought that was helpful and inspiring.

So of like saying "I'm sure someone will take you".....gee thanks 😕

Then again, my dad wasn't that excited when I got into my first choice. I think he really is wishy washy on this whole doctor thing.

 

[Jeff05]

dude,
med school is gonna cost you 200-250k. don't worry about spending an extra couple-a-hundred bucks on applications. it's your future, no need to conserve. especially when daddy's paying.