Personal statement, am I missing anything?

[sumstorm]

I graduated in 2001, and I feel relatively good about my personal statement, but keep getting the feeling that I am missing something important. Don't know if it is nerves, or if I wasn't clear enough somewhere. Thoughts? If anyone has enough energy to read.

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[twelvetigers]

I don't have Office 2007 because I'm stubborn... so I think that's why I can't read it.

 

[sumstorm]

I think I can fix that!

 

[Angelo84]

It looks good! You have had some amazing experiences and the essay flows well. I would say it is time to hit the submit button.

 

[cuitlamiztli]

I agree--it looks excellent. You've got some amazing experiences!

 

[Pomona2006]

Nice essay!!!

...and my how jealous of I am of your experience in Thailand! Good for you!

SUBMIT!!!!

 

[No Imagination]

Amazing essay. Enjoyed reading it, and like the previous posters said, great experience. Two comments.

You are currently (by my calculations, over the limit @ 5,048 characters w/ spaces. I think something has to go (a sentence or a few redundant words perhaps).

The ending. I worked for me, but the very last sentence seemed to lack the same passion that we saw in the rest of the essay. If you end up finding the room, perhaps close it with a ref. to your opening with Mae Perm.

Overall, loved it. G/L.

BTW, loved the subtle reference that you worked as an undergrad because you had to, financially. I had a bit of trouble alluding to that in my PS, you did a good job, without playing the "disadvantaged" card.

 

[sambone]

I agree w/ No Imagination about the ending. The rest of the essay is very cohesive and crafted together, but then last sentence just hangs there. I don't think it really makes a difference what you do, bc overall it's a great essay, but if you're a perfectionist it might feel good just to improve the ending.

 

[VAgirl]

I totally agree with the comments above. Tie the end back into the beginning and you'll have a beautiful, neat little package there. Right now, everything but the ending sings! (Not that the ending is in any way bad--the stuff you say there is great. But it doesn't feel as much like the final, strong note of conclusion that it should.)

Gotta say, you seem like a very strong applicant! Best of luck. Please let us know how the process goes for you!

 

[VeganChick]

Great essay (and that is without the amazing experience - and grades! - you have)! The only comment I would have is the same as the others' - the end is a bit dangly - would definitely wrap it back up the way VAGirl suggested. If you need to take something out to do so, I think I would suggest the part about Haverford vs. Knox - just tighten it up, maybe something like "...three years later, I transferred from Haverford to Knox due to the emphasis on independent study and research at Knox." What you have is a little wordy, plus you don't want to run into any AdComs that went to Haverford .

 

[stick91]

I agree too that the essay is great overall and you just might want to rearrange that last paragraph, perhaps incorporate your career goals a bit earlier.

Also, I think it is AWESOME that you did a Watson! I've known several people who have gone through that application process and it is a killer. I never did apply b/c I thought it wouldn't be fair to my horse to be away for an entire year. One of my close friends actually got one but had to turn it down (!) because her brother was getting married and they are so strict about not coming back to the US. Turned out ok though, since she got a Fulbright too and she's doing that instead.

Good Luck!