Personal statement Cohesiveness?

[zeephro]

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Does anybody here devote a lot of time to any sports or another passion? I'm actually a serious competitive dancer (spend 20 hours a week in practice), and have spent about half my essay on it. I'm on my 15th draft now, and have some trouble making my essay sound cohesive, since I talk about dancing and research and medical school.

Anybody have experience writing a statement like this? Advice on making it cohesive? If you want to read my statement, PM me .. . or send me an IM: zeephro or msn: brlin at hotmail dot com

 

[nockamura]

Half of your PS on dance sounds a little excessive. Sure, they want to see what makes you tick, but you should have other things to help you fill the space.

 

[CerealBox]

Does anybody here devote a lot of time to any sports or another passion? I'm actually a serious competitive dancer (spend 20 hours a week in practice), and have spent about half my essay on it. I'm on my 15th draft now, and have some trouble making my essay sound cohesive, since I talk about dancing and research and medical school.

Anybody have experience writing a statement like this? Advice on making it cohesive? If you want to read my statement, PM me .. . or send me an IM: zeephro or msn: brlin at hotmail dot com

Yes, my husband and I own our own martial arts studio, I train/teach >20 hours/week, and have been featured in many DVDs, magazines, etc. My PS basically talks about an important decision I had to make, between choosing to work professionally in martial arts and pursuing medicine. My first paragraph describes my talents and a lot of opportunities I had. Then I flash over to all of the experiences I've had that have made me love medicine. Finally in the last paragraph I come back to the topic in my intro and state that I have made the difficult decision to let martial arts remain just a hobby and pursue medicine professionally.

 

[domukin]

Send it over.