SDN isn't really the best place for personal statement critiques. I highly recommend you have some friends, perhaps a few professors, and maybe family members read it through. Get a lot of perspectives on it and different opinions on how to improve it, so that your personal statement will have a much higher chance of appealing to a random adcom person.
Make sure you're careful about whose advice/corrections you get too. Consider all the suggestions you get but take them all with a grain of salt.
As someone who already applied (and who isn't really doing much until med school starts), I'm more than happy to help out and read your personal statements - I know how stressful this part of the year is. Just send me a PM.
I was a science writer in college; had my own column in the Features section! Although I wasn't an english major or anything, I would be willing to critique a few personal statements. Don't expect big picture stuff or advice about content, but I can give grammatical advice, help re-word sentences, etc.
Might be easier if you send a particular paragraph that you are having trouble with and any sentence before and after the paragraph (for transition help).
Hey everyone, I'll show you mine if you show me yours
err... happy to give a pair of eyes to anyone who'd take a read through of mine. Specifically, I'm having trouble with a finicky conclusion. I feel like my last sentence just peter's off without making the impact or high-end note I'd like to end on.
Any takers? Will PM yall up-thread to gauge interest.