Personal statement help needed!

[soxinabox90]

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Hello,

I have just written a first draft of my personal statement. It's very rough and probably cringe-worthy at this point. If anyone has constructive feedback, I would really appreciate it! The more feedback I can get, the better it will be.

One side-note.. I was approved for the fee assistance program so I have to submit my application by July 11th (5 days from now). I'm also taking the DAT on July 11th so I'm kind of freaking out. Would it be worth it to send the personal statement in to a professional editing service?

Here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oyuzQC1APtPg47zObLyNtV8NuqMxD6UiPwrb-dB6Hwo/edit?usp=sharing

 

[BrooklynSmilez]

Hello,

I have just written a first draft of my personal statement. It's very rough and probably cringe-worthy at this point. If anyone has constructive feedback, I would really appreciate it! The more feedback I can get, the better it will be.

One side-note.. I was approved for the fee assistance program so I have to submit my application by July 11th (5 days from now). I'm also taking the DAT on July 11th so I'm kind of freaking out. Would it be worth it to send the personal statement in to a professional editing service?

Here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oyuzQC1APtPg47zObLyNtV8NuqMxD6UiPwrb-dB6Hwo/edit?usp=sharing

I would not reccomend rushing to send out your application. I would be more concerned with the DAT and then work on your Personal statement even if that means foregoing the few hundred dollars you save using FAP because if you rush it out and can't focus on your test you may have to retake and spend some more $.

 

[smoore7]

You have some good stuff to say in there, but some of the best personal statement essays have anecdotes and other stuff that make it not just informative but entertaining to the reader. Admissions people read thousands of these so you want to really grab their attention. You also want to make it more clear why you want to be a dentist

Here is an example pulled from the internet: http://sites.duke.edu/predental/files/2011/10/Sample-Essay-3.pdf

 

[soxinabox90]

You have some good stuff to say in there, but some of the best personal statement essays have anecdotes and other stuff that make it not just informative but entertaining to the reader. Admissions people read thousands of these so you want to really grab their attention. You also want to make it more clear why you want to be a dentist

Here is an example pulled from the internet: http://sites.duke.edu/predental/files/2011/10/Sample-Essay-3.pdf

I appreciate your feedback! Thoughts on this revision from anyone would be helpful!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oyuzQC1APtPg47zObLyNtV8NuqMxD6UiPwrb-dB6Hwo/edit?usp=sharing

 

[smoore7]

I think you made a lot of improvements! You made clearer why you want to be a dentist and provided support through experience. It was also a lot easier to read.

I didn't read it word for word so I don't know what to say about anything else you need to look at.. I do think saying that shadowing Doctors made you want to pursue being a advanced clinician may hurt more than help. Nothing's wrong with saying that shadowing physicians helped you narrow down that you wanted to be in healthcare, but saying you want to pursue being an advanced clinician they'd wonder if you would be equally happy being a physician as being a dentist