Personal Statement Help?

[BatGirl012]

I've written three statements for the schools I'm applying to--they're all somewhat similar, but also tailored to each of the programs and schools. And, of course, they're very much rough drafts--honestly I think they're jumbled and a complete disaster but you have to start somewhere.

Would anyone mind giving them a read? I've posted them on Google Docs (mostly so my friends, family, and professors could read them and give feedback).

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V1MYlxfSA9kz-HPfLBkdrVXdyVE7wugx5dxJ6gYcTjA/edit?usp=sharing

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17XvZ_GdyALdSF4gADZ0hEwRH8Lo-Tv2sd5X0I1C1hrI/edit?usp=sharing


https://docs.google.com/document/d/10nZnK26__escrYPm9Ms_mGkIGoYFWR_5WkPzDropJPo/edit?usp=sharing

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[wwmmkk]

Hey, I read through your essays briefly and have some thoughts. I'd be happy to share my general impressions through PMs if you want to message me. I also wanted to mention to you and anyone else reading this that I have a super small side business doing admissions prep work. I mostly work with high school seniors applying to top colleges, but I also have experience with college students applying for scholarships, summer opportunities, med school, and grad schools (mostly teaching programs, since that's my current field). Feedback and editing essays is by far the biggest part of what I do, and I'd be happy to give you some in depth advice for a significantly reduced price if you'd like.

[Mods-- feel free to delete if this isn't appropriate!]

 

[pms_testosterone]

ETSU essay - I'm not convinced. It says your rejection from vet school and your underprivileged backgound made you consider epidemiology...but why now? What event(s) or information really made you interested in epidemiology?
- I also think you could give a specific example of your work/volunteering rather than discuss it in general terms.
- Good flow, good grammar.

 

[Dwan]

I'd advise not talking about your rejection from vet school. This makes it look like public health is just a backup choice, and even if it were true, you don't want to convey that to admissions. The ideal applicant is someone who could get into both vet school and public health but chose to pursue public health. A rejection letter shouldn't be what convinces you the career isn't right for you, that would suggest either a weak applicant or someone who gives up easily. Rather, make the primary reason for going public health based on your personal preferences, not things related to competitiveness of a program.

 

[epiforme]

I'd like to echo what others have said so far, as well as add a couple of addition points.

1. Definitely drop the piece about not getting into veterinary school. It's fine to talk about changing focus from animal to people (I have a friend who did this in his med school applications; he previously wanted to be a dentist but quickly realized while practicing those sculpture things for the DAT that he cared about health but didn't want to spend his life working on such a fine scale), but avoid framing it as a "failure" to pursue vet. A great piece of advice I heard from somebody when I was writing my PS is that you want to sound intentional/deliberate in your pursuit of public health education.

2. On that note, provide specific examples in your PS. I was surprised that the instructions for your PS (at least in the header) did not specify to provide some sort of self-assessment of your skills and work to date. For example: "I would be an asset to the MPH program at ETSU because of my compassion fostered through volunteer work; dedication and relentlessness, as evidenced by maintaining a superior GPA and pursuing advanced education; and my desire to help protect the wellbeing of populations. I also work well both independently and as part of a team, a skill honed through my experience working in customer service and the vacation industry."

I think you can come up with a better example of dedication to public health than maintaining a high GPA. Also, a concrete example of your volunteer work or skills you've gained from your past employment (like teamwork, as you mentioned, or critical thinking, etc) would also strengthen this paragraph.

3. Delete fluff like this: "I value diversity and teamwork within the program because public health itself is synergistic, where nothing great would be accomplished if students were not first taught to work together before entering the workforce." This is valuable word count space that you can use to highlight what you bring.

4. I'm not sure if in-state tuition and convenience in relocation are necessarily the best way to start a sentence about why you want this specific MPH program. While certainly important considerations when selecting a program, it reads a little lazy to me, like 'I am not willing to go far to get the best/right education I can'. Even if the closest school will provide the best education for your goals.

5. "Among them, altruism, community service, dignity, diversity among students and faculty, and teamwork within the program as a whole are appealing to me because they match my own beliefs." I am not sure what "your beliefs" is referring to. These are also kind of generic. Can you also highlight specific courses that interest you?

6. "The university’s Master of Public Health epidemiology program focuses on the consequences of their research and attempts to utilize their findings in an effort to work with trans- and multidisciplinary teams in order to best devise methods for follow-up intervention methods. This approach emphasizes the care taken during research and the program’s belief in prioritizing diversity and teamwork both among the program’s faculty and students and within the relationships formed with other professionals."

A concrete example of specific work on contributions by the school that have caught your interest might be nice to add here (it would make it less generic).

I hope this helps.

 

[mypoopcanfly]

Overall, great start with your personal statement.
I agree with what others have said.
Here are some of my thoughts on other parts of the essay:
- When did you realize you wanted to pursue a degree in ph? Discuss what made you passionate about ph. You mentioned growing up in a rural are where "health care/ health edu. were inaccessible" Dive deeper into it. Is that what made you interested in ph? Make your decision switching from vet. to ph a positive rather than a negative. Don't be afraid to make your personal statement personal.

- You could also add topic/ transition sentences to provide better flow to the overall essay. Organizing your essay in chronological order would help. In my essay, I started with what made me passionate about ph. Then, I discussed my work experience and how it reaffirmed my passion for ph, how an mph will help me, and my research interests. After, I discussed my goals with an mph. Finally, I stated why I wanted to attend the school and why I am a good fit.

- Work on economy of expression. Some sentences can be reworded to avoid wordiness and redundancy.

-Word choice. You use phrases, such as "less fortunate" and "needy communities." Try underserved communities or something to the like.

"I am passionate about helping to protect people on a broad scale, however my ability to ultimately do so depends on your giving me an opportunity at admission into your program." To me, this sounds a little pushy. You can try, "It would be a great pleasure to have the opportunity to learn and work with...."

"I feel a desire to help needy communities that are unable to help themselves." The wording of this kind of create the mentality of us vs. them; that some communities need to be saved because they are incompetent, similar to the white savior complex in films. You can try saying "My desire is to empower underserved communities to..."

-You included your experience with vets and your educational background in agriculture and bio at the very end. That just popped out of nowhere. It can be included in the body or why you are interested in ph and how your experience/ background is able to prepare you for an epi program.

-You can also name drop a prof./ lab you want to work with/in. This would show the admission comm. that you researched their school and are passionate about the program, but that's my opinion.

-Try to have a hook with your intro. Grab the readers attention.

 

[beeboops]

Adding to everyone else's points, I think you should include more of your personal experiences with public health. As your statements are now, they're rather bland and impersonal. There's nothing that really grabs me other than the rejection from veterinary school, and that doesn't grab me in the most positive way. What I can surmise from your statements is a bunch of beliefs/qualities that you have, but you don't really give me the evidence to back up your claims, i.e., "show, don't tell".

What would make this essay stand out to me is if you included how your specific activities/classes/etc. shaped your interest in public health. What drew you more to human health rather than animal health? Why specifically do you want to work with "needy" communities (side note: better words for "needy" would be "underserved communities", "vulnerable populations", etc.)? Was there a club, person, class, project, something that really drew you to public health and specifically, towards the fields in public health that you're interested in? I need details!!!

I concede that I read over your essays rather quickly and may have missed some finer details, but as someone who used to work in graduate admissions and reviewed applications, this is exactly how I would read anyone's personal statement.

In regards to mentioning veterinary school, from one "career switcher" to another, I would not mention your rejection. Instead, I would try to shape it as a normal progression in your interests. For example, you knew you were interested in some kind of healthcare, so you initially believed that veterinary school aligned with your interests. However, through XYZ activity (now you know why I'm harping on you about adding specific activities), you realized that your talents and interests were better suited for public health. If you would like, I can PM you the part of my personal statement where I talked about my progression from medical school to public health.

I know you've probably built your resume around the intention of going to veterinary school, so you may be reluctant to completely ignore that part of your life in your personal statement, and that's fine! I just think that you should try backing up your decision to switch with more concrete examples/anecdotes so it doesn't seem like you're applying to MPH programs as a second choice.

 

[BatGirl012]

Okay...so since I can't reply to everyone, I just want to give a huge thank you to everyone who contributed! I didn't expect to get much in the way of replies, and certainly didn't expect to get such detail, example, and input!

I was worried about the intro--after all it's generally the hardest part to write. I've been told in the past that my writing is a bit too wordy and flowery (I used to be an English major my first semester of college), and I was also worried about that. I'll definitely take into account all of the tips each of you mentioned and try my best to edit these beasts!

Thank you again!