Personal Statement Opener

[Shades McCool]

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I am going to post the opening paragraph of the rough draft my personal statement so you all can tell me what you think? Is it attention grabbing or not? I just wrote it and I would love some feedback.

It was probably the tires slipping off the interstate onto the shoulder of the road that woke him up. When that jolt brought his attention back to the road, he yanked the steering wheel to the right to try to get the Trooper back onto the interstate. This reaction proved to cost him his life. The Trooper flipped a total of seven times before it finally came to a stop. Even though he was strapped in by his seatbelt, the prodigious force of the accident killed him instantly.

Shades

 

[ZekeMD]

Originally posted by Shades McCool
I am going to post the opening paragraph of the rough draft my personal statement so you all can tell me what you think? Is it attention grabbing or not? I just wrote it and I would love some feedback.

It was probably the tires slipping off the interstate onto the shoulder of the road that woke him up. When that jolt brought his attention back to the road, he yanked the steering wheel to the right to try to get the Trooper back onto the interstate. This reaction proved to cost him his life. The Trooper flipped a total of seven times before it finally came to a stop. Even though he was strapped in by his seatbelt, the prodigious force of the accident killed him instantly.

Shades

When you refer to the car...I would say cruiser...not trooper. You use that word too much.

 

[Shades McCool]

Thanks, I guess I did use it too often and really close together.

Any other suggestions?

 

[klonoff]

Attention grabbing, yes. It doesn't seem very.... personal. Isn't the point to tell them about yourself? Just my opinion.

 

[Shades McCool]

Well the first paragraph is setting up my best friend's death. That event was a real turning point for me. That is what I am going to talk about.

 

[ASDIC]

i wouldnt open the PS with a negative situation. I understand that it was an important event in your life, but starting an essay with death will scare the hell out of the reader.

You might want to include this somewhere in the middle of essay. You want the reader to enjoy reading your essay and the initial impression that you give will determine whether the reader likes it or not.

This initial impression should be something positive (like you helped some people in the cancer ward) or interesting (like your recent trip to a clinic in Madagascar). Then you can link that with the car accident using a good transition and elaborating on why it was a very important event in your life.

Also try explaining how you perceive death (explaining your feelings and philosphy about it) and connect that with your aspirations to be a physician.

 

[Adapt]

I think a better opening would be, "Hi. I'm Shades." That would be tight.

Seriously though, I agree with kegal man. It's too negative.

 

[SaltySqueegee]

Looks good. Negative situation or not, if you feel as though it will truly describe you (i.e. personal statement), and why you chose to go into medicine, than so be it. But if you chose it because of the action scene type description, it won't have the impact you think it will. Seriously, think long and hard if it is a relevant opener that describes you, and/or your motivations for medicine.

In the end, if the essay is discontinuous, not fluid and random at best, you're essay reader will be frustrated by the end. In other words, you don't want the reader saying did this person just use his friend's death as an attention grabber, instead of his motivation for medicine?

 

[idq1i]

It sounds like you are writing a short story and not a personal statement. If I were on a committee, I would find this opening as over-the-top pretentious. Then again, we don't have the rest of the essay to put that paragraph in context.


My .02

 

[ASDIC]

well u can use the that incident as your major motivation for medicine...it will work.

But dont go too extreme in the beginning because with whatever tone you start, it will have a great impact on what the reader perceives. So if you start in a negative tone, you will have to compensate with more positive things in your essay (which is actually hard).

Its upto you if you want to start it that way, but remember its a risk. You are gambling between scaring ur reader and writing a real awesome essay.

 

[tBw]

After I-don't-remember-how-many interviews last year the one thing I do remember is that what we talked about was my personal statement. It's true that a lot of unfortunate things have happened in my life, and I have seen some fairly medically-unpleasant things - and many of them could have made potentially attention-getting things I could have made a powerful essay out of. However, I chose to focus on happy times and only mention sadder events in passing. The reason being not so much the essay itself but the interview. You need to go in there and do it again and again and both you and your interviewer will find it a more enjoyable experience if you get to talk about happy events than begin with

"so mr mc shades...um...err..." awkward shifting as socially-inept-academic tries to find a tactful way to express themselves "I see your friend died..." and failing resorts to standard psycho-mumbo-jumbo-phrases to avoid emotional involvement "How did that make you feel....?"

Imagine the energy in that room. Imagine how emotionally draining talking about this again and again would be.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. If it really was 'life-changing' and you can do the delicate balance between the story and projecting a positive image then you should go for it. I'm also not saying you are 'using' the event to be attention-grabbing - and I am sorry to hear you lost a friend, - but I would think hard about using this in your essay just because I imagine it will be hard to depict your true emotions, and at the same time project your enthusiasm and energy that the interviewer will want to see.

 

[Shades McCool]

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Logan's death changed the way I approach every day life. They son of a gun lived more life in his 19 years than most people live in their whole lives. If he wanted to do something to make himself happy, then by god he did it.

After he died I realized that I dont do enough to make myself happy because I was busy pleasing everyone else. I was on the path to become a chemical engineer. I was even in the middle of doing my second semester of co-oping at a paper mill. Everyone was so happy with the way things were going for me. I was making straight A's in chem e, I was getting in good with the company my godfather was an executive at, and I had a girlfriend that couldnt wait for me to get out of college and start making money. Well everyone was happy except me.

Well as soon as I realized that I needed to do what was right for me (after Logan died), I walked into my bosses office and I told him that I wouldnt be coming back for my third and final co-op semester. I told him that I could not get up every morning and come do a job that I didnt have a passion for. It was hard thing to do since they had told me that they had plans for me when I graduated. Well I did it and I felt great. I soon changed my major and I was on my way.

I have always wanted to be a doctor. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain it. Some people feel that they have a calling to the ministry, well I have a calling to the medical profession. I have never felt as content as I feel when I am in the hospital. It is something that I dont feel anywhere or anytime else. Everyday I spend in the operating room with the doctor learning, the stronger and happier I become. The more I know that this is where I belong. I really dont know how I got so derailed in the first place. I guess I gave in to all the different pressures around me.

I am sorry that I got off on a rant but I am just getting fusterated because I just am having a hard time getting this whole thing to come together in a way that I feel is acceptable.

 

[Shades McCool]

I am now thinking about opening with the results of the whole matter instead of the matter itself. Maybe talk about how positive everything since I changed as a result of his death. Does that sound like a better way to approach the situation?

Basically I grew up wanting to be a doctor more than anything. I was in the operating room observing procedures when I was 14 & 15 years old. I was also a physical therapy technician at 15. Somehow I got derailed with doing what everyone else wanted me to do. Then after the reality check of Logan's death and the long months of thinking about him and his attitude towards life, the fire was lit again and was burning white hot. It gets stronger everyday my friends.

 

[ASDIC]

yes...positive rules.

hey...i can offer you some constructive criticism on your essay...please PM me.

 

[tBw]

Originally posted by Shades McCool
I am now thinking about opening with the results of the whole matter instead of the matter itself. Maybe talk about how positive everything since I changed as a result of his death. Does that sound like a better way to approach the situation?

one of the best ways to do this is just to write a couple of quick and dirty rough drafts. then put them away for a couple of days. when you come back and read them think about how each of them make you *feel*. Do you feel depressed? Would you reading this from a stranger be intrigued? Would you want to meet them? Work with them? Could you trust them? How about with your childs life? Do they sound committed? And yet still fun? (some schools don't like this last criteria but would you really want to go to those schools anyway? 😉 )

 

[acab]

I don't think that paragraph is really that negative...The reader will most likely be a doctor who has had to deal with death hundreds of times.

I think you should put yourself to write the whole thing first. With that first draft, you can go back and change things. I wouldn't worry too much about the tone or exact words. When looking at the whole essay, we'll be better able to improve it.

 

[Adapt]

Originally posted by Shades McCool
After he died I realized that I dont do enough to make myself happy because I was busy pleasing everyone else.

In a way, being a doctor is about helping and pleasing others and less about what makes you happy. Do not mention this in your personal statement because it sounds a bit selfish.

Focus more on your health experiences as that would show more evidence on why you want to enter into medicine.

 

[Newquagmire]

Originally posted by Shades McCool
Well the first paragraph is setting up my best friend's death. That event was a real turning point for me. That is what I am going to talk about.

I mentioned something like this in my ps, but it wasn't the major focus--which should be you and your reasons for going into medicine. Not to make it sound trite, but I'm sure that there are thousands of essays turned in every year that deal with the "tragic event" scenario. If you do choose to include this in your ps, you must be sure to examine the context and reasoning very carefully. If you want more help on it, plz pm me.

 

[ASDIC]

hey shades...i PMed you a lot of help for the essay.


Hope it helps

 

[SaltySqueegee]

Originally posted by Slickness
In a way, being a doctor is about helping and pleasing others and less about what makes you happy. Do not mention this in your personal statement because it sounds a bit selfish.

I disagree, why can't it be about what makes you happy, and pleasing and helping others?

 

[SaltySqueegee]

Originally posted by MDTom
I disagree, why can't it be about what makes you happy, and pleasing and helping others?

What i mean to say is, "aren't we all driven by are own selfish desires even if that desire is to make others happy?"

 

[Adapt]

Originally posted by MDTom
I disagree, why can't it be about what makes you happy, and pleasing and helping others?

If you read my quote correctly you will realize I said this exact thing but in a different way. I said being a doctor is about helping others and LESS about being happy. You can still be happy as a doctor but the ultimate goal should be to help others.

 

[Spitting Camel]

"My friend Logan lived his life leaving no desire unfullfilled. It wasn't until after his death that I came to realize I wanted to do the same."

Go from there saying how you were on one track and decided to pursue medicine. You can use it Logan's death and the impact it had on you, but don't be so dramatic. It makes you sound immature.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost two friends in high school - 1 to a fire and the other to cardiomyopathy

 

[jlee9531]

it made me want to know what you are going to write next.

i do agree with the comment about it sounding more like a short story rather than a personal statement...but until you write the entire thing...i am not able to tell you how well it worked with the rest of your statement.

work on a draft and let us know how you are doing in a few days. im sure some of us will like to read it and tell you our opinions of it.

if it is a life changing event...then use it to show how that led you into the field of medicine or at least solified why you wanted to become a physician. its just a fact of reality that some of us face some negative situations that end up changing us in some way. if this is what happened...then stick with it or some variation of it.

 

[CalBeE]

When I was writing my personal statement, I was really tempted to go into really creative stuff. You wouldn't even guess the stuff I have thought of doing...attention grabbing, etc.

Then I realize one thing that's very different in med school app. Unlike in college app, where they look for creative people, med schools focus more on maturity and insights (though creativity is valued).

Your opening really sounds more like a novel than a personal statement. Depending on how you develop it, it may go into the direction of not saying much about you.

A sincere traditional essay won't keep you out, and a creative essay won't make up for the weaknesses in other parts of your app. Keep those things in mind.

 

[Please!]

I was at a meeting with the Dean of the University of Chicago Pritzker school of medicine talking about personal statements. I remember her saying that the admissions committee likes to see struggles, BUT they want to see how you OVERCOME the situation even more.

I think the essay should start with the struggle (2 or 3 lines), but it should quickly turn to the steps you took to over come it. The Dean told us that if you have a overall depressing PS, it will look like you have some unresolved issues to deal with, and they don't want you to figure it all out in Med. School.

Also, I urge you to share your ideas with your pre-med advisors, english grad students or professors and also any doctors that you know. They are the ones who would probably give you the best criticizm.

I've been told that your PS should be like a symphony...it should start off nice and interesting and it should build and finally end in a loud clash of triumph!

 

[JohnHolmes]

Originally posted by Shades McCool
I am going to post the opening paragraph of the rough draft my personal statement so you all can tell me what you think? Is it attention grabbing or not? I just wrote it and I would love some feedback.

It was probably the tires slipping off the interstate onto the shoulder of the road that woke him up. When that jolt brought his attention back to the road, he yanked the steering wheel to the right to try to get the Trooper back onto the interstate. This reaction proved to cost him his life. The Trooper flipped a total of seven times before it finally came to a stop. Even though he was strapped in by his seatbelt, the prodigious force of the accident killed him instantly.

Shades

The word "prodigious" is completely out of place here. Don't use this vocab at all if you cannot use it appropriately and most importantly EFFECTIVELY. It can leave your essay's reader with a foul odor.

Make sure you vary your word choice. When I talk about Virginia, I toggle between "state" "Commonwealth" "the Old Dominion" etc to represent the same idea without drying the topic. Trooper that frequently is redundant.

"This reaction proved to cost him his life." The flow is poor here. Remove this. You want to make sure you are as SUCCINCT as possible. Do not say any more than you need to while illustrating a point. You are limited to 5300 characters only! My essay was 5300 exactly, lol.

Some people on here recommend shipping your essay to an editing service. That is also another idea. I prefer having your English major friends glance at it and help you with the flow. I am assuming your topic and grammar will be perfect. Everyone has great grammar at the final stage. The real challenge is flow and tone. Master those, and you will have one sweet essay.

Good luck!
Coops