Personal Statement Thoughts

[JamesUW]

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I everyone. I posted my personal statement below. I was hoping a few of you could read it and provide me w/ some feed back if you're not too busy. Thank you so much.
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[QofQuimica]

OP, I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I'd advise you to tear up this PS and start from scratch. Your essay is highly negative, and it leaves me with a negative impression of you. When you write your PS, you want its tone to be positive, and you want the person reading it to walk away thinking that you are a qualified, interesting person whom they would like to invite for an interview. You should not apologize for your past mistakes in the PS. Rather, use it to focus the reader's attention on how qualified and motivated you are to study medicine NOW. What's in the past is in the past, and you can't control it any longer, so focus on the present and the future. It's great to explain how your previous experiences motivated you to study medicine now, but don't denigrate yourself, your qualifications, or your motivations.

I think that the first paragraph that I left quoted below is the best part of what you've written so far. It gives some positive details about you and suggest that you are a person who likes to help others. The only thing that still lacks, however, (and this is a BIG lack!) is an explanation of why you want to go into medicine in particular. (In other words, why don't you become a teacher or a counselor if you want to mentor other people? Why become a physician?)

The second paragraph that I quoted below gives your career goals as a physician, but these are very disparate goals, and I don't follow how you plan to accomplish them. That is, how are you going to have a computerized genetics medical practice in the Amazon jungle? I'm not saying it's impossible to do this, but it's certainly not going to be very easy! I think if you are wanting to bring technology to the Amazon, you are going to have to explain this in more detail so that it sounds practical and feasible to do. Also, you should explain why doing this is important, and how you are qualified to bring this goal about. Have you ever lived in S. America or worked in the indigenous areas there? If so, it would be very relevant experience for you to bring up to show that you do have a realistic understanding of the problems and solutions needed there. If not, how do you know that you would like this to be your life's work? I'm not saying you can't know, but there must be some compelling reason that would convince a relatively well-off American to pick up and move to the South American jungles, besides just having spoken about it to someone else who has done this. 😉

Finally, I suggest that you come up with a theme for your essay, something that ties it all together. I suggest that this theme be something along the lines of why medicine is the right field for you. You kind of have a theme now, but unfortunately that theme is how unqualified an applicant people will perceive you to be, and that you agree with them. So come up with a *positive* theme, something that will let the reader understand why you want to go into medicine. I can't give you a very specific suggestion here, b/c I don't really understand your motivations very well myself after reading this first essay.

I'm sorry if my criticism was hurtful, but I hope it helps you with writing a great PS that will be a boon to your application. Best of luck to you.

-Q

I everyone. I posted my personal statement below. I was hoping a few of you could read it and provide me w/ some feed back if you're not too busy. Thank you so much.
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<indent>Vital to academic success is a balanced life. Aside from medicine, I pursue numerous hobbies, including basketball, writing, and computers. Since 1997 my online business, The Runner’s Shoebox, has educated visitors about training, nutrition, injuries, and of course, shoes. Running is my passion and there is no amount of stress ten miles on the trails cannot cure. I am currently writing the book I wish I could have read prior to starting my college education. Inspired by students who regularly seek my advice, it outlines key elements central to an exceptional undergraduate career. (remove negative sentence about your mistakes) These activities excite me, foster the development of character and integrity, and allow me to bring happiness to others. A mentor once told me, “Find work that you love and you’ll never work another day.” Someday I hope to run a practice I love, and share with patients not only my medical expertise, but the rewards of pursuing passions in life.</indent>
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<indent> (Remove unnecessary sentence) My goal is to think creatively and utilize technology to become a leader in innovative patient care. By coupling business and computer ingenuity, I hope to engineer a wired practice in which medical records, prescriptions, diagnostic results, and appointments are completely digital and available instantaneously. In addition, I crave to augment my knowledge of genetics as I believe genetic engineering and gene therapy will play an even more crucial role in our approach to healing. Finally, inspired by Dr. Linnea Smith, an MD who practices in the Amazon jungle, I plan to continue learning Spanish and someday work in underprivileged regions of South America.</indent>

 

[nontrad314]

JameUW,

You asked for feedback and here is mine for what it is worth (probably less than the proverbial internet 2 cents).

Based only on your PS it looks like you are in a really tough position.

But, as usual, I agree with Q [ anyone notice that Q's just about always right? ] about the tone of your PS and the need for a unifying theme.

Correct me if I am wrong, but your first 2 paragraphs suggest that you have regret and are requesting a second chance. It also seems that that is something you want to say in your PS. So, the problem seems to be to find a way to account for that with a different attitude / tone.
[Assuming that you still want to address this part]

Here are some proposals (thinking out loud) about possible ways to go about changing the tone, which are probably really basic and obvious. They are just proposals (not advice) offered because you asked for feedback.

First, the regret. Errors are basically unforeseen outcomes. Everyone makes errors, even the best. Happens to everyone. Your withdrawal was presummably unforeseen. Would you call it an error? Some errors are under individual's control and some errors are beyond individual's control. The errors
'in control' can be accounted for if whatever caused them is changed; similarly with external factors if some measures are taken etc.

Sorta basic, but I'm really trying to account for the agency here head on and directly. Your first draft PS basically does this in attributing the withdrawal to a bad fit in learning style, personality, and goals.

Is it possible to be more concrete / direct here in terms of what exactly the mismatch was; e.g., problem based versus other curricula, specificity in the personality mismatch, and specificity of school mission versus your specific goal. Addressing those kinds of things could suggest you won't withdraw again (which presummably is the major concern). You PS mentions your goals; so perhaps this suggests a unifying theme (as Q posts).

Second, the second chance part. Did withdrawing strengthen your convictions about your goals? Did it teach you something about who you are? Did you 'grow' in some way as a result? In other words, did you learn something from it; and has that made you a better candidate then you were before (after all you were good enough to get in the first time and this process has changed you in someway that is presummably for the positive). Put another way, will you ultimately be a better physician because you withdrew before? If so how and why?

Your first draft PS seems to have said this things already, so it seems as if you are most of the way there.

As I said previously, your position looks likes it is tough one to be in. So, I hope this helps.

nontrad314

 

[blee]

It looks like you have two fairly in-depth critiques here, so I'll spare you from another one. I do, however, agree with what's been said so far.

The first impression that I got from this personal statement is that the author is tentative and unfocused, unsure of himself, his ability to succeed as a medical student, and his overall career goals. I don't know whether that's how you really feel, of course, but that's what I get from this statement. That's not the best way to sway an adcom's opinion. I would focus more on your positives, and perhaps on some more recent developments that highlight your strengths as an applicant. Best of luck.

 

[metalkaren]

I also agree with what's already been said, but I just wanted to weigh in here and give a few more details. Writing is my profession so I'm used to giving and receiving harsh criticism, which is the only way to be a good writer. I hope you don't take what I say too personally.

I really don't like the first couple of paragraphs, and the "theme" of the statement, which is basically that you've screwed up and you want another chance. The whole thing just sounds like you're making excuses. And you are. But some of the excuses, in my opinion, reflect some immaturity, which is exactly what an adcom doesn't want to see. For example, saying that it really wasn't your fault you had to drop out of med school because the school "wasn't the right fit" ...this sounds like what someone who got fired says when he's trying to get a new job. It's a euphamism for "I couldn't hack it there/I didn't like it there/they didn't like me, etc." They want someone who is mature and versatile, and doesn't fit into only one mold. But I can see why you feel the need to address that, as I'm sure having withdrawn from med school once will count against you. I'm not sure there's anything you can do about that, but making excuses for it sounds worse.

The next paragraph was my least favorite. You are making excuses for things they probably don't even know about. "To start, I am innately bad at scheduling classes." People usually withdraw from classes because they're doing really poorly and they don't want the bad grade, or the work is too hard. The adcom knows that. Saying you are bad at scheduling classes is a rather silly excuse, and it will also backfire on you. It wasn't your fault cause your schedule was terrible? Medical school is going to be an around the clock schedule isn't it? You will have to adapt to the worst schedule you've ever had.

Saying that your last year was "psychologically draining" sounds very immature. I do understand that feeling...and college was probably "psychologically draining" on all of us. I felt the same way, but now that I'm almost 30 and I've experienced what it's like to go to grad school and work a fulltime 9-5 corporate job at the same time, being a fulltime undergraduate student seems like a walk in the park. (And what exactly is it to be an RA fulltime? Aren't all RAs fulltime? It's just means that you're "on call" for students all the time, but you're not actually working, outside of a few set hours in the office when you can usually do homework anyway). Anyhow I only bring this up because the adcom might look at it the same way. Also, talking about your state mind is totally unnecessary. They can see that your grades slipped, and they can speculate as to why, but you don't need to volunteer that you were overwhelmed and having trouble handling the load. Med school is going to be a thousand times harder.

As for the second to last two paragraphs about the business that you started based on your outside interests, and how you want to translate those interests into medicine, I thought these were wonderful, and more of what adcoms want to see.

Anyway I hope this helps you and again, I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but in my experience, that's the best way to help. Good luck.

 

[Uncle_Tbag]

One small thing I would add in addition to the excellent advice you've already recieved, is to take care regarding your statement of "hope to engineer a wired practice . . ." You may already realize this, but this already exists in the form of EMR/PACS/HIS/RIS systems that are in place in many hospitals and even outpatient facilities.

If you bring this up in your PS, make sure you are ready to converse on HL7 and digital patient record management. Make sure you emphasize you want to help improve it and not "invent" it like Gore invented the Internet 😉

 

[Mr. Darcy]

Keep in mind that when you do get interviews your personal statement may be ALL your interviews read. They may be given nothing else. Thus, no grades, no history, just what you thought to write down in your personal statement.

Thus, be positive !! You are a star. The personal statement is NOT the time to make any apology for your past, nor to point out a flaw in your amazing talents. Here is where you claim to climb mountains while reading james joyce, like to help the poor and feed lama's in south america!

Best of luck