Personal Statement

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Jenny.hog

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This is my personal statement. Can anyone check or give me some idea about this? I appreciate it.

“Little noise, little water” this is what do people hear in a dental office, and this is a part of the dentists life. I am fascinated with dentistry because the passion, the respect with the dentists and the oral surgeons that put many efforts to diagnose my father illness and because of my love of science.

I remembered when I was a secondary school; my dad had oral cancer. The dentists and the oral surgeons fought cancer to save my father life. It was the tough time in our family, but we were not alone. In the cancer battle, the dentists and oral surgeons were always side-by-side our family and conveyed the strength to us. During this period, I witnessed the talents, the passion, and efforts of the dentists and oral surgeons to find the best cancer treatments for my father. With all their efforts, they retrieved my father back from the dead. At this point, I realized that I wanted to be the dentist. Moreover, with the love of science, being the dentist is my best decision in my life.

To desire to be a dentist, I put myself under pressure to motivate myself to work hard in studies. As a result, I completed my prerequisites for dental school with a 3.80 GPA. My overall GPA is 3.53 and my science GPA is 3.65. With my GPA, I was honored in Dean’s List 3 times. Besides, I find that I am extremely exciting in biology and chemistry. Therefore, I have chosen zoology as my main major and chemistry is my minor in order to get an in-depth understanding of anatomy, physiology, and chemical reactions in organisms. I took many science classes although they were difficult and challenging. Difficult challenge stimulus my curious and I enjoy intellectual challenges. Beyond, I like to be able to explore the world of human biology and the diversity of chemistry. Beside biology and chemistry, I took some classes in physic and mathematics to boost my analytic and logical abilities. These science classes give me a firm foundation in dental science.

Besides the love of science, I love working with my hand and people. In my free time, I often decorate my room, my nail and make handmade presents for my friend and my family. These activities help me counter with the stress from studies and life and make my hand dexterous, which is vital for dentists. Aside from loving working with my hand, I also love working with people. I volunteered in different elementary schools and hospitals. I prepared the meals, cleaned up and talked with various people. Every year, I participated in the Big Event- the biggest volunteer event in my school. The event was the big thankful to our community. The volunteer activities aided me a chance to thank my community and developed my communication skills.

Likewise, the experience that I gained in summer has reinforced my decision to study in the dental field. Last summer, my friends and I made a trip to the north of my country for helping the ethnic village. We gave clothes, foods and books for them. We spent two weeks for teaching the children in the village. The kids were smart, delightful and friendly. Nevertheless, I saw many children with cleft lip and cleft palate. Although they were born with this faults, they enjoyed their childhood with all their happiness expressed by the bright smile on their face. Through the trip, I realized that the smile was the most beautiful expression in the world. It was a joy and happiness. Everybody deserved a beautiful smile. This experience was incredibly rewarding for me as it made me grow not only a person but also the prospective dental student.

To gain insight into the reality of dentistry, I spent many hours to shadow different dentists in private offices and hospitals. I was exciting to see what it was like to work inside someone’s mouth. I witnessed many dental procedures such as fillings, dental implants, whitening teeth and root canal treatment. I also observed the way that the dentists interacted with patients and collaborated with staff. From shadowing the dentists, I learned that dentistry was not only the care and the treatment of teeth but also about the communication, business, social interaction and teamwork.

Although there is a long and arduous journey for being a dentist, I believe that with my well-performed education, couple with my external skills that I gained from undergraduate school and the love of science and human that will help me success in the dental schools.
 
English is not my first language.
 
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He's referring to the multiple errors in capitalization and mechanics. They're all fixable though. I would say to bring it in to your school's writing center.
Thank you for your explanation.
 
Your personal statement needs a lot of work. Bring it to your school's writing center, find someone you know that will help you edit it, or find an English professor to help you. I think you have the potential to make a good personal statement, but you need to have someone edit it.
 
Your personal statement needs a lot of work. Bring it to your school's writing center, find someone you know that will help you edit it, or find an English professor to help you. I think you have the potential to make a good personal statement, but you need to have someone edit it.
This is my first draft. I will bring it to my English professor. Thank you !
 
This is my first draft. I will bring it to my English professor. Thank you !
Just revise before you take it to them. I'd be embarrassed lol

Other than that.. the content is good and with better delivery can make for a great personal statement
 
“Little noise, little water” <----- how does this phrase have anything to do with the rest of your PS? Sorry, I just can't see the reason why you put this in. If you want to keep it, I think you should refer back to it somewhere in your PS.
 
Where did you learn English?
I am almost positive this was written in another language and sent through google translate.
The content's fine. Bring it to someone who's good at English and have them help you.
English is not my second language. This is my raw draft. I am not good at writing. I will bring it to my English professor. Thank guys for these comments.
 
It looks as if @tooth knockn was typing this PS with his teddy bear paws.......
See what I did......
there.......
lol.
No offense to OP or tooth knockn : )
 
“Little noise, little water” <----- how does this phrase have anything to do with the rest of your PS? Sorry, I just can't see the reason why you put this in. If you want to keep it, I think you should refer back to it somewhere in your PS.
This phrase is from my doctor. He always says it with his patients. I put this in my PS to get reader's attention.
 
Writing mechanism errors like everyone has already said, but it's your raw draft so let's move to the contents. Any advice I am giving is solely intended to improve your statement and not to be offensive or being rude to your work. Ok, here goes. What you think is an attention getter is not an attention getter. This is a "cookie cutter" concept. -You (family) were in "pain", dentists fixed "pain", amazing! I like to be dentist!- If this is your motivation, explain how this situation has gradually developed you in wanting to be a healer in oral science. Show what you can do to contribute to the profession based on what you experienced. Be self-center! Be declaritive on how this! You bored the audience half way through your work. Your statement contains too many meaningless descriptions of your volunteer work. Be precised and clear how these volunteer experiences developed you as a person and relatively connected you to dentistry.
-"Beautiful smiles" - they see too many of these...

Conclusion: what you have written so far is a history of your past and a description of yourself. I do not feel your passion when reading it.
Suggestions:
You want to write a statement that connect your readers to your passion for dentistry. Put out emotions that they can feel it, and not just descriptions and information so they can only absorb it. This may be a little difficult for you because English is not your first language (me neither), but keep revising and leting many people read it and you will eventually have your passion and determination conveyed.
 
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Wtiting mechanism errors like everyone has already said, but it's your raw draft so let's move to contents. Any advice I am giving is solely intended to improve your statement and not to be offensive or being rude to your work. Ok, here goes. What you think is an attention getter is not an attention getter. This is a "cookie cutter" concept. -You (family) were in "pain", dentists fixed "pain", amazing! I like to be dentist!- If this is your motivation, explain how this situation has gradually developed you in wanting to be a healer in oral science. Show what you can do to contribute to the profession based on what you experienced. Be self center! Be declaritive on how this! You bored the audience half way through your work. Your statement contains too many meaningless descriptions of your volunteer work. Be precised and clear how these volunteer experiences developed you as a person and relatively connected you to dentistry.
-"Beautiful smiles" - they see too many of these...

Conclusion: what you have written so far is a history of your past and a description of yourself. I do not feel your passion when reading it.
Suggestions:
You want to write a statement that connect your readers to your passion for dentistry. Put out emotions that they can feel it, and not just descriptions and information so they can only absorb it. This may be a little difficult for you because English is not your first language (me neither), but keep revising and leting many people read it and you will eventually have your passion and determination conveyed.

Thank you for interpreting my PS. I appreciate it. I will keep fixing it and post a new one after that.
 
Your essay has to be 4,500 characters ( roughly if i remember correctly). You might have to take some stuff out. I had to take a lot out for mine as well!


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
 
Hey Girl!
English is not my 1st language either, and I still communicate in my mother tongue all the time. I assure you if I can do it then you can too.
Here are some tips to improve your essay:
1.) Take out your GPA and classes because Adcom could see that. You want to emphasize other areas about your life that they do not know about you- relate it to dentistry.
2.)“Little noise, little water” this is what do people hear in a dental office.." lol, I think it's cute. It almost sounds like you're writing an early education book. You mentioned that your dentist says that you? Perhaps tie it back to the interpersonal relationship that your dentist has built through the years and blah blah.... I think you have the right idea of having getting the audience's attention at the beginning. You could use what you have or your dad's illness- use one or the other, but not both.

Keep working at it!
 
I really liked your opening but I agree with everyone that you should focus on showing rather than simply telling your story! I revised a bit to clean up grammar/structure, but I also strongly suggest meeting with writing tutors to strengthen your essay. Best of luck!

When I was in secondary school, my dad was diagnosed with oral cancer. It was a difficult time for my family, but we were not alone. The oral surgeons were always by my family’s side, accompanying every step of the way, consistently providing hope and reassurance throughout the treatment when we needed it the most. During this period, I witnessed their talents and passion in dentistry first-hand, and their personal mission to achieve the best treatment outcome for my father. Thanks to their utmost effort, my father was able to recover fully. This was the point when I realized that I wanted to become a dentist. I hope that my love for science and motivation to help people can be of service to others as a future dentist in the same way my oral surgeons have left a lasting impact on my family.


In order to pursue my dental dreams, I challenged myself to work hard in my studies. I always found biology and chemistry exciting. Therefore, I chose zoology as my main major and chemistry as my minor in order to gain an in-depth understanding of anatomy, physiology, and chemical reactions in organisms. I took many science classes although they were challenging. Difficult courses stimulate my intellectual curiosity, and I enjoy this aspect of learning regardless of how they will impact my GPA. Also, I took classes in physics and mathematics to boost my analytical and logical skills. These science classes will provide a strong foundation for a career in dentistry.


In addition to my passion for science, I love working with my hands and interacting with people. In my free time, you can easily find me decorating my room, or making handmade presents for my friends and family. Not only do these activities serve as the positive outlet to relieve my stress, but also to practice my manual dexterity skills, which are vital for dentists. (Focus on one meaningful volunteer activity/event rather than using a list) The volunteer activities gave me a chance to thank my community.


My trip to (name of the place) this past summer has reinforced my decision to study in the dental field. My friends and I made a trip to the north of my country to help the ethnic village (not sure if this is politically correct). We provided clothes, foods and books for them. We spent two weeks to teach children in the village. The kids were smart, delightful and friendly. Nevertheless, I saw many children with cleft lip and cleft palate. Although they were born with this condition, they still enjoyed their childhood as evidenced by their big, bright smile. Throughout the trip, I realized that the smile is the most beautiful facial expression in the world. It is a universal symbol of joy and happiness. Everyone deserves a beautiful smile. This experience was incredibly rewarding for me as it helped me grow both personally and professionally as the prospective dental student.


To gain more insight into the field dentistry, I spent many hours shadowing different dentists in private offices and hospitals. I was motivated to observe what it was like to work inside someone’s mouth. I witnessed plethora of dental procedures such as fillings, dental implants, whitening teeth and root canal treatment. I also observed dentists’ interactions with their patients and staff. From shadowing the dentists, I learned that dentistry was not only about providing oral health care, but also about communication, patient interaction, and teamwork.


Although becoming a dentist involves a long and arduous journey, I firmly believe that my strong academics, coupled with my communication skills, and my passion for science and the human body will help me succeed in reaching my dream one day.
 
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Thanks guys for interpreting my PS !! I really appreciate it.
 
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Not trying to be rude, but there are still a handful of basic grammatical errors. It is much more understandable now.
 
Don't take this personally, and I am not the best writer out there, but you have some serious revision to do.
When you read it on computer screen, it's sometimes hard to spot what sounds awkward.

Print it out, read it, or even read it out loud. See if there's something that just sounds too awkward. I think you will benefit from using college writing center's help.
If they are not of big help, you can find people that does this kind of service on craigslist as well. Make sure you check their credentials, though.

Good luck!
 
Hi Jenny, I may be paranoid but be careful posting your PS online to a bunch of pre-dental hopefuls 🙂. I've reviewed PS's before but always in a private message - I would never post mine online unless I were already enrolled in a dental program. Anyway, best of luck to you!
 
Hi Jenny, I may be paranoid but be careful posting your PS online to a bunch of pre-dental hopefuls 🙂. I've reviewed PS's before but always in a private message - I would never post mine online unless I were already enrolled in a dental program. Anyway, best of luck to you!

Thank you !!
 
Don't take this personally, and I am not the best writer out there, but you have some serious revision to do.
When you read it on computer screen, it's sometimes hard to spot what sounds awkward.

Print it out, read it, or even read it out loud. See if there's something that just sounds too awkward. I think you will benefit from using college writing center's help.
If they are not of big help, you can find people that does this kind of service on craigslist as well. Make sure you check their credentials, though.

Good luck!

Thank you so much !!
 
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